Why Can't I Hate You?

CHAPTER 1

MICHELLE

I laid on my bed trying to get out from the influence of my everyday nightmare. My breathing heavy and my eyes tightly shut. My right hand burned and I flickered my eyes open to find my dearest mother pressing a very hot curling iron onto my wrist. A very sharp scream escaped my mouth from the pain and burn, but she held my hand in place giving me no space to recoil. Tears rolled down my eyes and I couldn't help but scream when she moved the hot iron rod just above my burnt wrist. I strove hard to get out of her grip shouting from the pain that my mother is inflicting upon me.

Dominic and Alex rushed into my room hearing loud noises.

"Vanessa! What the hell are you doing?" Cried Dominic. His hooted brown eyes held as much terror as mine. Alex, my step brother, froze beside his dad. Mom kept quiet, her eyes on my burnt hand, unflinching. She moved the iron further up. Dominic ran to grab her shoulders, pulling her away from me and snatching the iron out of her hands before throwing it to the corner of the room. I immediately sprung out of the bed away from my mother holding my burnt arm, weeping. 

"Vanessa! Are you crazy? What were you doing?" Dominic yelled at her. She yanked his hands off her shoulders and looked at me with venom filled eyes. 

"She reminds me of him. Punishment was necessary." Mom replied, before rushing out of the room. 

I sat on the edge of my bed holding my burning arm. I don't believe my own mother treats me like s**t. Punishes me for things I am not responsible for. I loathe myself. What is the point of all this? Going through all the pain, for whose benefit? It's of no use. Nothing.

Dominic sat beside me while Alex rushed downstairs. He took my hand in his, examining the burns. Rapid footsteps approached us and Alex rushed back into my room with a huge bowl filled with milk in his hands. Dominic dipped my hand into the bowl and an instant cool spread in my body. I exhaled loudly through my mouth in relief. 

Alex sat down near my legs, pushing my brown hair behind my ears. I gave him a small smile which he returned with a bright one. "How is your hand now? Does it still hurt?"

I nod, "It's okay now."

"Let's get you to the hospital. " Dominic said, while getting up from the bed. I caught his hand.

"It's okay. I'm fine. The hospital is... unnecessary."

"Should I call a doctor then?" he urged. 

"No, no. My hand is better now. Don't worry, I'll be all right." I assured him and he sighed in defeat.

"You need to eat something. Take your time and come down for breakfast, okay?" Dominic said, pushing a strand of hair behind my ears. I nodded in agreement. He gestured his son to come along. Alex bent down and kissed my cheek before they both left, shutting the door behind them leaving me alone in my room. I pulled my hand out of the milk bowl to examine the burns. Three dark brown bands on my arm looks hideously painful. But that was the least of the pains I was feeling right now. I couldn't help but recall everything that has happened. She burnt my hand while I was asleep just because I remind her of my father. My dead father. How can someone hate a person just because they died. Who chooses to die? 

You do, said a voice in my head. Yes. I do wish to die. Do me a favor of death and spare all of this misery. And, if I continue to live here, I might just end up dead someday. Mom might herself kill me as a result of her hostility towards me. I need to escape this place before it eats me alive, but there is only so much I can do. I pushed the thought behind and went to washroom to freshen up for breakfast. 

I couldn't help but thank Dominic and Alex for being there for me and stopping my mother from hurting me every single time. Being a stepfather, Dominic never made me feel like an outsider. He is the closest to me of all. Meeting new people and adjusting to a new environment has always been a b****y big deal to me. It usually takes me a bit longer than normal people to harmonize with others, but Dominic consistently made it easy for me. Our connection sparked instantly. He perhaps loves me equal to Alex. But when I really think about it, I don't see why anyone would love me. I mean, my own mother doesn't. I scoffed standing in front of the mirror staring at my tear stained reflection. 

Yeah, but you shouldn't insult Dominic's love. He seems to genuinely care for you, said my subconscious mind. I ponder on her words for a little while. This is my usual way of thinking, discussing things with myself because I never had another person to talk to, or perhaps I didn't allow anybody else to get to know me that way. So it's always been just her, my subconscious mind, that I really talk to. 

"Yeah! Seems so, but there has to be something he wants from me. People in this world are extremely selfish and they do not do a thing if they aren't benefitting out of it." I mumble, looking at my reflection. If you say so, said she.

Dominic pretends to love me for now. And once his purpose with me is done or if I do something which he doesn't approve of, all this façade will be gone. Forever. Just as it did with my mother. I secretly wished for that day to never come, but deep down, I knew it certainly will and he will stop caring for me. Alex, on the other hand, is like a friend. He made sure to spend time with me, almost every day, playing petty games or narrating his complete day. He is just a month older than I, but acts how I imagined a big brother to be like. Even though my step family seems to be sweet and caring towards me, I cannot bring myself to truly trust them. And I am not very sure whom to blame for my lack of faith: my mother or myself.

Once done with my morning routine, I walked towards breakfast area. Dominic was in the dining room speaking to someone on the call. I sat down beside him, and helped myself with the food. Mom and Alex were no where to be found. 

"Where is Alex?" I asked Dominic once he was done speaking on the call.

"Alex went shopping. Someone he knows is going away." He said while stuffing his mouth with sandwich, "How's your arm?"

"It's better. Thanks."

"Mish, do you remember my sister Judy? She came here a few years ago for summer." 

"Yes. She was nice. " I smiled. Judy had come here like three years ago and she treated me well. Like her own, like a friend. I forgot my problems when she lived here. 

"Yes. She lives in Seattle. Would you like to go there?" I looked at Dominic with wide eyes. He continued, "You can complete your major in Seattle University." It took me a while to register. Dominic was offering me freedom and a ticket to a new and easy life, away from everything here. But, it's too good to be true.

"She won't agree to that." I said in the low and dejected voice. 

"Leave that to me. Just tell me if you want to go or not."

"Yes! I would love to." He gave me the brightest smile and continued eating his food, "And, the tuition fee?"

"You have a scholarship there, remember? Most of the fee will be covered from your scholarship, I would have had to pay dorm fees, but as you will be living with Judy it's not needed any more." I completely forgot about the scholarship. I was home for quite a long time, assuming studies was it for me. If this actually happens, it will be the best thing in the world. I can start breathing finally. But, let's no keep our hopes high.

"But there is one thing," I looked at Dominic waiting for him to continue, "The classes have started already. It's been a month or more, so you will have to work so much."

I nodded, "That's fine. All these things can happen when I am allowed to go there, right? I don't see why she would allow me to go anywhere."

"Leave that to me." He repeated. Conviction evident in his hard voice. "I have contacted the University for your admission and you are expected there in two days from now. So you better start packing."

"Two days?" I yelled.

"Michelle!" Alex's voice boomed in the room and I jumped. He placed a blue gift wrapped box in front of me and crossed his hands near his chest as if waiting for me to open it. I looked between him and Dominic as they both wore a big smile on their faces.

"What is this?" I asked Alex.

"Open it." He wiggled his eyebrows.

I opened the gift wrap careful enough not to tear the paper. It revealed a plain white rectangular box. I threw a glance at both of them before opening the box. A bright red coat with silver fur lined hood, folded neatly in the box. It was so beautiful. I looked at Alex with a huge grin.

"I've heard Seattle is very cold." He shrugged with a smile. I giggled and took the coat out of the box. It was long and reached to my knees. It's velvety touch instantly spread warmth in my body. The fur was so soft that I could keep touching it all day and still wouldn't get enough of it.

"Thank you." I said and he kissed my cheek.

Dominic and Alex literally pushed me back to my room to begin with the packing. It's difficult to believe that I will soon be going to Seattle or anywhere outside Oklahoma, for that matter. I highly doubt about going to Seattle, but the conviction in Dominic's voice was something that gave me courage to at least begin with my packing keeping aside all my doubts. Even if he couldn't get my mom's permission, it's no big deal. They both are worth this effort.

A few hours had passed by when I heard noises from Dominic's room. I tiptoed towards the voices. I stood just behind the door, cautious enough to not be seen. 

"You booked the ticket? What's the matter with you, Dominic! You could have asked me, for heaven's sake! " Shouted my mother. He booked the tickets without asking her? I don't want Dominic to be in trouble because of me.

"What's wrong with that?" he argued, "She wants to go there and study. I don't see a problem here."

"Well, Of course you don't see a problem. She is my daughter and you have no right to decide for her." She glared at him, "Cancel her ticket right now. I don't want her to leave anywhere. She needs to be in front of my eyes." Just as I expected. I knew she won't allow me live my life freely. 

"No," countered Dominic, his face composed. "The moment you married me, Vanessa, she became my daughter too. So, if you want me to cancel her ticket, you better give me good enough reason, or else she will go and you won't stop her." He proclaimed. That was the best thing anybody had ever done for me. Mom seems to have caught off guard. She took a while to fathom things before she rushed out of the room.

She glanced at me with a predatory look once she was outside. Those stares were nothing new to me. I have been getting such angry and ferocious stares since I was seven. I averted my eyes from her gaze. She let out a loud sigh and dashed out of the house while I stared after her. I didn't notice Dominic coming out of the room until he placed one hand on the top of my head. 

I turned to find him smiling sweetly at me. "Thank you." I said, meaning the words with every fiber of my being. 

He tilted his head to one side and said, "Go pack. You are leaving tomorrow."