Mentally in love

Chapter twenty-one - It's over

Lesley's POV:

I have been at Dean's workplace every day after school for the past week. He told me he wanted to spend more time with me because now he is working. I understand that, but it's not the real reason. I know what he wants to do. My friend is scared that I might do something to myself. It's not like I haven't thought about it. After all, I still take my painkillers every day. Luckily, my parents don't know about them. Otherwise, they will take them away from me. I don't want us to argue about that. It's stupid. I'm not saying I'm not wrong for using them, but I got addicted. They help me stay calm throughout the day. Let's say this is my drug. Some people take weed and stuff like that. I take painkillers. That's why I know my friend is worried, but I won't do the same as him. I wouldn't make it so obvious if I wanted to do it. Here is the thing. Part of me wants to end everything. The other one likes being with Dean. I can't leave him alone. He will hate me forever. Also, he doesn't need to go through the same thing as me. I mean, when he was gone. The good news is that he came back. If I do it, I won't come. School is not helping me with my problems. Once, I tried to talk with the therapist. All I did was ask her something. I told her it was about a friend from another school. To make it believable, I told her the boy's name. Also, I said the school's one. I didn't want her to know it was about me. The advice she gave me was stupid. Brianna said more truthful and helpful things when I met her. I won't blame the woman because the principal picked her. She is there to stop bullying. Not to help people with negative thoughts. I never went to talk with her again. Since then, I have dealt with everything alone. Well, that was before Dean came back. I hope that after some time, he won't worry so much about me.

I still wonder why I go to school. I barely pay attention in class. My concentration is gone again. I don't have tests soon, but I still have to study. At least my friend is helping me with everything. The problem is that he is working. He can't spend all his time with me. Honestly, I go there only because of him. I prefer to be at home. Well, if I do that, he will get worried for me. It's enough that he has to work. I don't want him to think about me too.

I woke up and went to get ready for school. I put on jeans with a hoodie. The disguise continues. For some reason, this works. People don't talk to me. Maybe, except for Leo. I see that he feels a bit better. He still hasn't talked with Tasha. Let's say he wanted to ignore everyone and spend some time alone. I understand that, but it's a temporary solution. I have told him to call me if he needs something. Part of me regrets it now. When I was ready, I went to put on my shoes. I don't want to eat breakfast. I looked around to be sure my parents weren't there and went out. My school is about forty minutes away if I don't walk fast. I saw Leo coming and walked up to him. He probably won't talk with me, but it's worth a try.

- Hey, good morning.

- Oh, hi, Lesley. How are you?

- The same as every day.

- I see. I'm the same.

- How do you feel? Do you still think about her?

- No. As I see, she has moved on.

- What do you mean?

- I saw her with friends the other day. She doesn't need me.

- Maybe she uses them as a distraction from you. I don't think she will stop thinking about you.

- She better do it. I don't want to mess with her anymore.

- Why do you sound hurt when you say it? Are you upset that she moved on?

- What? Of course not. I don't need her.

- But you need her presence. Am I right?

- I have no idea what you are talking about.

- Totally. I will believe it. Well, when you stop nodding your head to everything I say.

- Touché.

- I think both of you need each other.

- Yeah, right. If she needs me, she won't give up that easily.

- You didn't do anything for her. What do you expect?

- If you want something, you will fight for it, no matter how long it takes.

- Hold on! You want her to fight for you? Why? You have to do it. Tessa did everything she could to keep his friendship. It's time for you to fight for her. Otherwise, you might not see her again.

- It's not worth it. After high school, I probably won't see her again.

- What if you end up in the same university?

- We won't.

- You are too sure.

- I will check where she is so I don't apply there.

- What if there is your wish? I mean what to study.

- What if you stop saying what if? Huh?

- Ok, I get it. Let's go to school now.

Leo and I walked to school. I can't understand his logic. It's visible he wants her back. Maybe I have to talk with her again. I want to stay away from this. I should focus on myself. I took what I needed for my first class and walked to the classroom. I did some doodles in my notebook until the teacher came. I want to listen to her, but I can't. Something else comes to mind when I try to focus on her words. This time it was my friend. I don't know what is going on with me.

On the lunch break, I went to the hall. I pulled a book that I took with me today. It's about how to have self-control and bring your happy life back. I don't believe any of the things I read. All of that won't help me. At least I understood how many problems I had. I wanted to text Dean, but he might be working. I won't bother him with my stuff. Also, I will see him at school. Maybe I can go home today. Well, if he lets me do it.

After school, I walked to Dean's coffee shop. Mia was taking an order. I'm glad that she is helping him. I don't mean only with the work. He has told me that they talk often. Soon, my friend came out of the staff room.

- Hey, Lesley. How was school today?

- It was good.

- Did something happen? I don't see my favorite smile.

- No, everything is fine. How are you?

- I'm good. What do you want me to make you?

- Make me one banana split for home.

- Ok, I will make you one banana split. Wait, what? For home? Why?

- I want to stay at home today.

- What happened?

- Nothing. I don't want to stay here. I have missed my bed.

- You sleep on it every night. Spill the tea.

- I have nothing to spill.

- I won't make you a drink for home.

- Then I won't drink anything. Simple.

- Lesley. What is going on?

- I don't want to stay here. I only do it because of you. Dean, I don't need a babysitter. I know why you want me here, but it won't happen. I will go home, and you can't do anything about it.

- Please, Lesley. Stay here.

- Don't insist. I already made my decision.

- But.

- I will go home. You can come to see me after work. I won't do anything to myself. Don't worry.

- I don't trust you. You keep saying that, and look at what you do.

- This time, it will be different.

- I don't believe it.

- The problem is not mine. Bye.

- What about your drink?

- You said you wouldn't make me one for home. I don't want to drink it here.

- Lesley.

- I'll see you later.

It's over. I don't want to always stay with him. That is because he is scared I will do something. I feel better when I'm at home. The first thing I did was to eat. I'm not hungry, but I will leave some leftovers so my parents will think I have eaten. I made a sandwich and separated it in half. That is more than enough for me. During the other time, I drink water. That makes me go to the toilet often, but this suppresses my appetite. I have to eat a lot for dinner.

After some time, the front door got open. It was my dad. He looks like a car ran over him. I have never seen him so tired and weak. I bet something happened at work. I walked up to him and took his things. I might need to call my mom or a doctor. We made it to his room. He sat on the bed and looked at me.

- How are you today?

- I'm fine.

- Good.

- Dad, are you ok? I'm sorry, but you look terrible. What happened?

- I had a lot of work today. We work with a company, and they want us to create a big project for a month.

- So? You have enough time.

- They want fifty tasks. I have only five people.

- Then add more.

- I can't. Everyone is working on something. They will break their partnership with us if we don't do it. This means we'll lose a lot of money. I can't let this happen.

- Hold on! You are stressed because of a project. Dad, this is not healthy. I think you need to calm down. Everything will be fine.

- I don't know.

- Please, don't make me call my mom. You know what will happen.

- No, no. Please, don't do it. I'm fine. - he said and put a fake smile on

- I don't know what to do with you.

- I will take a shower. By the way, weren't you supposed to be with Dean?

- Let's say that I left.

- Why? Did he do something?

- He cares too much. I was going there only because of him. I prefer to be at home.

- You know he is worried for you.

- I don't care. He is not my babysitter.

- Dean is not that.

- Really? That is how it feels. Anyway. I don't want to talk about this. I'll be in my room if you need something. Don't stress out, ok?

- I will try.

- Dad, I'm serious. It's not the end of the world. You will find another company.

- This is the biggest one in town. No one will want to work with us if they cut us off.

- You are dramatic. One project won't define the future of the company. You need to relax.

- I can't. It's too much pressure.

- Take a chill pill.

- Take a what?

- I don't know. I heard it in a movie.

- I think you need to take one and talk with Dean.

- Not that again. I already told you.

- You told me nothing. - he said, chuckling

- Dad! It's not funny.

- It is for me. I think you are dramatic.

- DAD!

- Look. My good mood is back. I need to take you to work with me.

- You know I can't do any of the things you do.

- I will teach you.

- If you say so. What about your shower?

- Oh, yeah. I will take one.

- Why don't you make dinner for my mom?

- Because no one likes burned food.

- It's not about the food. It's the effort.

- I am good at other things.

- If you say so.

Dad and I talked for a while. Later, he went for his shower. I was in my room, listening to some music. I have to talk with Dean. The thing is that I feel like we'll argue. I don't want to do that. He is my friend, and I care about him. Maybe there is something else we can do. I was lying on my bed when I felt someone doing the same. I can open my eyes and see, but there is no need to. One touch was enough for me to guess the person. Soon, I was pulled for a hug. Some things never get old.

- Why are you here?

- To check on you and apologize for what I did. I only wanted to help you.

- You have to trust me more. I'm not a little kid.

- I know, but I'm scared you might leave me. I don't want this to happen.

- I won't leave you. If I do something, I'll take you with me.

- What?

- I'm kidding. I won't do anything to myself. You can calm down.

- If you say so. I will believe it when I see it.

- How can I prove this to you?

- By spending the weekend with me.

- That is something I can do. Ok, then. We have a plan.

- Yes, we do.

- Will you stay for dinner with me? Please.

- I don't know. I planned to have dinner with my parents.

- Invite them here.

- Don't you think this became a habit?

- One healthy habit.

- Only in your dreams.

Dean stayed with me for an hour. Sadly, he went home. Well, he told me he would call me before bed. It's still something. I'm glad that I have a friend like him. Maybe I need to be more respectful towards him. After all, he puts a lot of effort into me. It's not like I have made him do it, but I appreciate that. It feels good to have someone by your side whenever you need him. Mom was home and made dinner. I guess my dad listened to me because he helped her. It was a good surprise for her.

- I wonder who made this delicious dinner. - I said, chuckling

- Your dad helped me a lot. I have to give him credit. - my mom said

- It looks like someone decided to listen to me.

- Maybe I did. - my dad said

- Can I know what you two are talking about?

- Dad and I had a little chat in the afternoon. That's it.

- I wonder what you have told him.

- That is something private.

- Why Dean didn't stay?

- He wanted to have dinner at home. My friend loves spending time with his mom.

- She is worried for him.

- He won't do it again. I know it.

- But she doesn't. She can't lose him again.

- That won't happen. I promise. I won't let him go that easily.

- It's good to know.

The rest of the night I spent with my parents. We watched a movie in the living room. Maybe I need to spend some time with them as well. I know they are worried for me. That way, I can prove to them I'm fine. It will be a lie, but at least they can focus on their work. I mean, especially my dad, who was a nervous wreck. I don't know why he is worried so much. The man has a successful job. Mom has to talk with him about that. I can tell her, but it won't be right. That is something between them. It will be better if I don't mess with that. After all, I have other things in my head. I hope that Dean and I will always have such a good friendship.