Mentally in love

Chapter nine - I don't want to talk with you

Lesley's POV:

Leo is Dean's younger brother. I'm still processing this. We were way closer than I thought. I grew up with miss and mister Harris. Since my parents started inviting them at home, they have always cared for me. Despite that, I have never met her kids. Technically, I did, but I didn't know he was her son. Now I feel bad for her. I wondered how Dean's parents were taking this. I got the answer. This explains why I didn't see her for more than two months. I wasn't at his funeral. That was because I didn't know anything about him. Well, except for his name. The mystery is solved. It's not like this matters. We can't bring him back. The good news is that now I can understand more things about him. That's why I want to talk with miss Harris about that. Maybe I have to do it when Leo is not around. I'm not sure, but I think he is mad at me. He barely talked with me at school since he understood I knew his brother. I tried to make a conversation with him. There was no result. I have no idea what I did wrong. In my defense, I had no idea they were related. Honestly, I don't know why he reacts this way. Even if they were close, he couldn't get mad about it. There is a chance that something else has happened. Whatever it is, that was in the past. He needs to move on. It's not like I did it. I still think about Dean every day. Especially when I'm about to do something to myself. I have to say that I was clean for the past week. Maybe that is except for the painkillers. I can't stop taking them. Otherwise, I will get worse. After all, I don't want my parents to see me this way. It's more than enough that they have to deal with me. That is something I have to do on my own. I can't mess anyone with it. I hope that one day, I will be in a better state.

I have to go to school again. It's not like I have a choice. Well, I met Leo there. Things were getting well until he understood about his brother and me. We were only friends. After all, I was thirteen. Honestly, I don't know why this is bothering him so much. He didn't know who I was back then. I don't see where the problem is. Maybe I have to talk with miss Harris about that. She can tell me why he is acting this way. He is not Dean. I still would like it if we could be friends. This might help me to move on.

I woke up and went to get ready for school. I think the sunny days are slowly fading away. It's not like I'm surprised. After a couple of months, the winter will come. I got dressed and walked into the bathroom. Maybe I should try without painkillers today. I think I use them more than I need them. I'll pass today. When I was ready, I went to eat. Surprisingly, there was no one at the table. I checked the time on my phone. It was too early.

- It looks like I will eat alone today.

I made myself two toasts and sat down. I grabbed one, but I noticed that my hands were shaking. I barely managed to put it in my mouth. What the heck? Also, my appetite was gone. I took one more bite and went to my room. I put a syringe filled with painkillers in my backpack. That is in case something happens. Then I walked to school. I saw Leo talking with some people. I went to him, but he walked away. I guess I will see him in class. I took my things and walked to the classroom.

- Leo, do you want to sit with me?

No answer. He passed by me without saying anything. I don't know what is wrong with him. I didn't do anything. I think I have to pay a little visit to his mom. That will be after school.

On the lunch break, I walked into the hall. Leo was in front of his locker. If I go there, he will go away. There must be a chance I can talk with him. Maybe I don't have to do anything and go. I walked up to him, but he didn't notice me. Leo was about to go, but I grabbed his hand and stopped him.

- Let me go.

- Why are you mad at me?

- I don't want to talk with you.

- Why? What did I do to you? Everything was fine.

- It was never ok. I knew there was something wrong with you since the beginning.

- What?

- Stay away from me. I don't want to have anything in common with you.

- Won't you tell me what I did to you?

- Even you were with my brother. It's always about him because he is disabled and can't do anything alone.

- Your brother wasn't disabled. He had problems.

- It doesn't matter. I still had to do his job. He was supposed to care about me like the big brother he pretended to be.

- He is your big brother.

- Really? It didn't feel this way. With or without him, it was the same. I had no support.

- I'm sure it wasn't like that.

- Shut up! You don't know anything. He left me when I was growing up. I will never forgive him for that. It's good that he is gone.

- Leo, you can't talk like that.

- What? I didn't lie. You have no idea what was going on. You didn't even know that I existed. That's why you don't have the right to speak. You were never at home to see what happened. I had to watch his failing attempts. I wish he could've done it earlier.

That was the moment when I lost it and slapped him. I wasn't there to know what happened, but he can't talk like that about Dean. It's disrespectful and hurts me. Leo looked at me with no emotion. I don't understand why he is acting this way. It's like something snapped out of him. He didn't say anything and left. I want to tell him some things, but now it's not the time. Things are already complicated. They don't need to get worse.

He didn't talk with me for the rest of the school day. It's better this way. I don't want us to argue more. After the last class, I walked to miss Harris's hair salon. She used to work for someone until she opened her own. I have to say that she is doing a great job. When I arrived, one woman walked out. She was cleaning after her.

- Sit down, Cassie. I'll start in a minute.

- Miss Harris.

- Lesley. What are you doing here?

- I came to talk with you. I hope you don't mind.

- Not at all. How can I help you?

- It's about Leo.

- What did he do?

- Nothing. Maybe, except for the fact that he is ignoring me.

- I will talk with him.

- He hates Dean.

- What?

- Leo is glad that he is gone.

- Please don't tell me he said it.

- He did. I don't know why me knowing Dean is bothering him. Everything was good before that.

- I don't know. I promise to talk with him.

- Did I do something?

- No, I don't think it's because of you. I have no idea what is happening with him.

- I can try talking with him again, but I'm not sure if he will want to.

- Don't do it today. Give him some time.

- Do you think we can be friends?

- It's not impossible, but I don't know. I think you should ask him.

- Can I go to see him? I mean, at your house.

- Of course. Why are you even asking? Do you want a key?

- No, thanks. I will use the bell.

- Ok, good luck. Hey, Cassie. Sit down. I'm sorry, but I have to work.

- It's ok. I will go now. Thank you.

- You're welcome. - she said, and I left

I walked to Leo's house. I don't know if he is there, but that's what I hope. I used the bell. No one answered. That's why I knocked on the door. I was about to go away when it opened. Thank god he is here. He tried to close the door, but I put my foot there. He won't escape that easily. I don't know why he is mad at me, but I will understand.

- We need to talk.

- I have nothing to tell you. It looks like I have to change my address.

- Please, Leo. I want to know why you are mad at me.

- I already told you. Now, you can leave me alone.

- No, I won't. I'm coming in. - I said and walked inside

- Hey, you can't do that.

- I did it.

- Go away! I don't want you here.

- I will go after you talk to me.

- I won't tell you anything. Leave my house.

- This house belongs to your parents, not to you.

- But I live here.

- That won't change anything. I talked with your mom, and she let me come here. She even offered me a key.

- What? That's not true.

- Yes, it is. Unlike you, she likes me.

- Because she is crazy. This woman was obsessed with Dean. She was taking care of him as a baby.

- Are you jealous?

- What? Of course not. Why would I be?

- Because that is how you sound.

- Leave!

- Please. I only want us to talk.

- Why?

- I want us to be friends.

- Me? Your friend? Did you hit your head somewhere? That will never happen.

- I can't be that bad.

- No, you are terrible. I don't want to see you.

- What did I do to you? We haven't met before.

- Every person associated with my brother is crazy. That includes you. I'm sure you have problems.

- Why are you so selfish? It won't kill you to care about someone.

- So what? It doesn't matter if you do it or not. No one will say thank you. That's a waste of time.

- No, it's not. I care about someone, and I will always do it.

- Let me guess. That is Dean.

- I was about to say my parents, but yes. I care about Dean, too.

- He is dead. Accept it already. Let him rest in peace, and stop talking about him.

- You care. Right? That's why you are so mad when someone talks about him. You had a strong bond with him, and it hurts you that he left you. Am I right?

- You are crazy. Now leave!

- It's ok to feel this way. Maybe he left at a moment when you needed him the most.

- Leave! - he shouted in anger

That's when I noticed the tears. He is hurt, but I don't know why he doesn't want to admit it. What is he trying to prove? Trying not to care shows the opposite. He misses Dean a lot. Maybe more than anyone else. Somehow, this turned into hate and anger.

- It's ok. I can help you.

- Why don't you understand? I don't want you here. Leave this place already.

- You are not alone. - I said and stepped close

- Stay away from me. We have nothing in common.

- I only wanted to hug you.

- If you think you can come out of nowhere and take part in my life, you are wrong. That will never happen. Go before I call the cops to take you out.

- You won't do that.

- Watch me. - he said, grabbed his phone, and dialed the phone number

- Ok, ok. I'll leave.

- Finally.

- I want you to know that.

- LEAVE!

- Fine. Since you don't want me here, I'll go. You should know this is not the end. - I said and left

This is not how I planned this to go. I lost more time arguing with him than actually talking. Well, I understood something. Leo cares about Dean. The problem is that he doesn't want to admit it. On the way home, I texted miss Harris a short message about what happened. I told her about the problem. She said she would talk with him at home. I can't do anything else about him. I walked home and saw my dad on the couch. I guess he came early.

- Hey, dad.

- Oh, hey, kid. Where have you been?

- I tried to talk with Leo.

- What does the word try mean?

- He didn't want to listen to me at all. It was a disaster. We spent more time arguing than talking.

- I'm sure you didn't give up.

- I didn't want to do it, but I had to.

- Why?

- He said he would call the cops to throw me out.

- I'm sure it was pretending.

- Dad, Leo took the phone and dialed the phone number.

- Oh, I understand.

- I sent a message to miss Harris. Hopefully, she can do something.

- I think you should stay away from him for a while. At least until he calms down.

- Maybe I have to do it.

Dad and I talked until my mom came home. Later, I went to help her with dinner. The thing is that I wanted to share this with her, too. She told me the same as my dad. I guess I have to get distant from him. It's not like I mind, but that is not what I wanted to happen. Sometimes, you have to sacrifice something. It looks like it will be our good relations. That was good until it lasted. After an hour, dinner was ready.

- Don't stress about this. Soon, he will forget about it.

- I don't think so. He is mad at me because of Dean.

- Well, it's not easy to bring memories back.

- I didn't mean to do it. I had no idea Leo was his younger brother. I only knew that he had one.

- It's ok. Calm down.

- How am I supposed to do that?

- Take a deep breath.

- Ok.

- Good. Now eat.

- I'm not hungry.

- Lesley. We have talked about this.

- I know. You don't have to remind me. - I said and took a bite

- Are you ok? - my dad asked

- Yes, why?

- Your hands are shaking.

- I'm fine.

- If you say so.

That was another lie. I didn't take any painkillers today. There are two possibilities. I am addicted to them, or they help me. Maybe it's a little bit from both of them. I take two every day. One when I wake up and one before I go to bed. Probably, that is not healthy, but I don't care. I can't survive a day without them. I can try to use only one in the middle of the day. The thing is that I don't think I can do it. I take them before bed so I can sleep well. I tried some pills for that, but it didn't help me. Since I was already using them, I thought to take another one. That is how it started. I hope that one day I can get better.