Mentally in love

Chapter fifteen - I won't let you do it

Lesley's POV:

Dean wants to spend more time with me. I appreciate that, but sometimes I prefer to be alone. I know why he is doing it. He wants me to stay away from the painkillers. I still use them when he is not around. Maybe I'm addicted, but I don't care. I won't stop using them. It's already too late for that. Also, if I stop using them, my anxiety might come back. I'm not hundred percent sure I have it. If I don't take them, I start shaking. I have noticed that a couple of months ago. Let's say that I one day forgot to take them. That was one of the worst days in my life since I started relying on them. When I went home, I immediately took some. Since then, I am sure I have them every morning before breakfast. If I tell someone else about that, they will try to get them away from me, too. Mom won't like it. That's why I won't tell her. She is stressed enough at work. I don't want to make things even harder for her. It's more than enough that she takes care of me every day. Dad is also helping. Here is one thing. If something happens to me, my mom will be the first one next to me. I don't know if it's because of her instinct or something else, but she is always with me. It's getting harder for me to talk with her. I want to tell her everything, but this means breaking her. I can't do this to her. She is my mom. I will feel bad for doing it. I can talk to my dad about it, but I'm sure he will tell her. It's better if they don't know about it. I will tell Dean. He won't speak with anyone about it. I know I can trust him for everything. That's why we are friends. Honestly, he is my only friend. I don't trust anyone else more than him. It's good that he wants to take care of me. That way, I know there will always be someone by my side. I hope that we'll be able to keep our friendship for a long time.

Weeks are passing like days. I have been going to school for a month. It's the weekend, so I don't plan to do anything. I always say that. Then Dean makes me go out with him. Why can't we stay at home for once? I don't think he will want it. He always makes me do something. I appreciate his effort. The thing is that sometimes, all I want is to lay in bed all day. It's not that bad. My friend is always welcome to join me.

I woke up and checked my phone. Luckily, there were no messages. This means I don't have to get up. I turned to the other side and saw a boy in my bed, sleeping. When did he come here? I'm sure my parents have let him. As good as it is, he can't do that whenever he wants. There is something called privacy. Well, I can't be mad at him. Now I wonder why he came. I have to wake him up, but I can't. He sleeps so peacefully. I slightly tried to get out of bed and go to the bathroom. Soon, he grabbed my hand and pulled me close. I need to take my daily dose of painkillers before he wakes up.

- I won't let you take them.

- I need them.

- No, you don't. I have told you this many times. You will spend the day with me today.

- What do you want us to do?

- Go outside. It can be now or in the afternoon. It's your choice.

- I don't want to go.

- You will.

- Why can't you understand that? Stop making me do things I don't want to do.

- You can't stay inside all day.

- I can do whatever I want. I'm old enough to make decisions for myself.

- If I leave you, I know what will happen. I can't let you do it.

- You don't know anything.

- I know enough. Please, Lesley. I care about you.

- Really? I don't believe it.

- But you have to. Get up. We'll get food.

- Out?

- No, here. Get dressed.

- I'll go to the bathroom quickly.

- I'll come with you.

- What? No! That is private.

- I know what you will do there.

- I want to pee.

- Really? Is it that or to inject something?

- What are you talking about?

- That I don't trust you when it comes to this.

- I can leave the door slightly open. Will this be good for you?

- Yes. I'll be good as long as you don't reach this cabinet.

- Ok, fine.

This is a disaster. Now I can't do anything. I know he is watching me. I tried to reach the cabinet, but I saw him looking at me. I need to start hiding them in another place as well. Maybe somewhere around the trash can. I know he won't go there. When I was ready, I walked out. We went to eat in the kitchen. Mom has left some food for us. I immediately noticed how my hands started shaking. I won't tell him about this. If I hide, he won't see anything. I tried to eat as calmly as I could. This is not easy for me, especially in this condition. This is why I take these painkillers. They help me stay calm.

- Are you ok?

- Yes, I'm fine.

- Then why are you not eating?

- Because I'm not that hungry.

- Lesley, what is going on?

- Nothing. Can we go out later?

- Really? Do you want this?

- There is less time until lunch. I want us to eat here.

- Oh, we are eating outside.

- What? No! I want to eat at home.

- I'm sorry.

- Why are you doing this to me?

- I want to help you. It seems wrong to you, but you will thank me later.

- I don't want to do it.

- You have to. Eat now.

- I will go to the bathroom.

- Use the one downstairs. You can close the door.

- But I need to get something from my room too.

- Then I'll come with you.

- Really?

- I told you I didn't trust you about that.

- Fine. I hate you. - I mumbled to myself

- I heard that.

After half an hour, we were outside. Now I feel like my whole body is shaking. I don't know what is going on. It feels worse than when I did it on purpose. Somehow, I survived school that day. I will make sure to get one when I have the chance. For that, I need to get rid of him. I can go and buy one, but he is always with me. I expect him to grab my hand soon so I can't run away. For lunch, we went to a diner. I ordered a salad. I can't even put the fork in my mouth, but I'll ignore it. The problem is that Dean is watching every move of mine. I can't do anything.

- Can you stop watching me? It's getting annoying.

- I have no idea what you are talking about.

- Oh, you do. I will go home. Without you. - I said and got up

- That won't happen. - he said and grabbed my hand

- Let me go.

- Why are you shaking?

- Because I want you to leave me.

- Lesley, what is going on?

- Leave me alone. - I said, removed his hand and ran away

I went home as quickly as I could. I know he was following me. I managed to reach my bathroom. The syringe is much needed. He can't understand this. Ok, here we go. I closed my eyes, ready to do it, when I felt an empty hand. Where did it go? I looked up to see him standing in front of me. If his eyes could kill, I would be dead.

- Give me that.

- No, I won't do it.

- It's not funny, Dean.

- I know. I won't let you do it.

- I need this. How many times do I have to tell you?

- That doesn't matter. I'm not allowing this.

- It's not your choice. When you were doing it, I didn't stop you.

- Things were different. You can live without this.

- No, I can't. Just give it to me.

- No, I won't. You can stop asking me.

- Please.

- Nothing works on me.

- Please, give it to me. - I said and sat down

- I won't do that. Come here. - he said, sat down, and pulled me for a hug

- I need this.

- You don't. Now I want to know about the shaking. Where did it come from?

- I don't know.

- Lesley. Come on. Tell me.

- I did. I have no idea how it happened. It appears only when I don't take this.

- Are you sure?

- Yes. Please.

- Let's go to bed. One nap will be good for you.

- I don't need a nap.

- I think you do. Come on.

- Dean, please.

- I can't hear you.

Somehow, he managed to convince me. Sleeping is not the solution to my problems. The painkillers are. I don't know why he doesn't want to understand it. What is wrong with him? He wants to help me, and I appreciate that. The thing is that I don't want him to mess with it. Maybe it will be better if I end everything. I will get rid of that feeling, and he of me. It's not a smart move, but what else should I do? Soon, I felt drifting off.

I woke with something on my head. It was my friend's hand playing with my hair. I don't know how he can stand me. Sometimes, I am impossible. No one has said it, but I know it. I looked at him, and he only smiled. No words are needed here. I do feel a bit better, but my shaking is here. I can't control it. I have no idea how it appeared, but it won't go away. That is one of the main reasons why I take these painkillers. Otherwise, people will think there is something wrong with me. It's not like this is not the truth, but I don't need them to know it. After some time, we went for dinner. His parents were also there.

- Hi, miss Harris.

- Hey, Lesley. How are you today?

- I'm good, thanks. Where is Leo?

- Where can he be? Outside.

- Did he say with who he was going out? - Dean asked

- No, why?

- I'm curious.

- He didn't say anything. It's not like I expected something else.

- Are you two fighting? - I asked

- I don't know. I think he is still mad at me, for you know what.

- You didn't do anything wrong.

- He doesn't think the same.

- Maybe you have to talk with him again. I don't know.

- I will, but not today. I prefer to be focused on someone else. - he said and looked at me firmly

- I won't do anything. There are people here. - I said, whispering

- Let's say that I believe you.

- Really? I thought you trusted me.

- I do for everything else besides that.

- Why?

- You know why.

- Ok, ok. Let's eat now. I'm getting hungry.

- Are you sure you can eat? - he asked, whispering, looking at my hands

- I'll be fine. Don't worry. I know how to hide.

- You didn't do a good job today.

- Because you were watching every move I made.

- That's why I am your friend.

- I swear you are not right. I don't have the energy to argue with you.

- Are you tired?

- A little bit, yes.

- You can try to go to bed early.

- You think.

Dean and I kept talking the whole dinner. Our parents didn't bother us at all. They are busy with their conversations. I don't know how my mom and miss Harris became best friends, but I'm happy. She deserves to be happy, too. Soon, my mom brought the cake. It looks so good. Dean kept one of his hands on top of mine. That was to make me calm down. It helped a bit, but he felt the shaking.

- Here it is. I hope you will like it. I made it at the last minute.

- Mom, it looks delicious.

- Thank you, Lesley. I want you to eat a lot.

- You want me to eat sugar.

- I want you to eat whatever it is.

- You have to wait for that.

- Hopefully, it's not that much.

- I won't be so sure.

- Please, eat. We don't need to argue about that.

- I keep telling you this every day.

- I wouldn't say it if you were eating normally.

- I know how much is enough for me.

- That means you won't eat at all.

- Mom, that is not true.

- Are you sure? I can bet you don't eat anything at school.

- Yes, I do.

- Really? What was today's main meal?

- Meatballs and mashed potatoes.

- Leo told me something else.

- You didn't talk with Leo.

- Yes, I did.

- No, you didn't. He doesn't want to have anything in common with me. That includes you, too. You don't have to lie to me.

- I know what you are doing.

- You don't know anything. - I mumbled to myself

After dinner, Dean and I walked into my room. I tried one last time to get into the bathroom. He won't let me do it. Little does he know that I have a plan. I created an alarm for midnight. He will be at home by then. Even if I'm asleep, I will wake up to get what I wanted for a whole day. He can't keep me away from this.

- You won't get it.

- Ok, fine. The day already passed. All I want is to sleep. I'm tired.

- We didn't do much today.

- That is more than enough for me. I get tired quickly.

- This is your problem. I think you need to be more active.

- As if I will ever do that.

- You should do it if you want to stay up more often.

- I'm sorry, but no. Good night. Sweet dreams. I will sleep.

- Lesley. I'm not falling for that.

- It's your choice. Move now. - I said, and he did it

- What are you doing?

- Sleeping.

- I hope this is not another of your plans.

- I want you to dream of me.

- You too.

I don't know when Dean left, but my plan worked. I woke up even before my alarm. I quickly went into the bathroom. I will call this a win. He might be right about this, but I don't care. It made me feel good. Later, I went to sleep again. When I wake up, I will take another one. It wasn't that terrible spending the day without taking that, but I won't do it again. No, I can't. I am addicted to the point where I can't live without these things. It's like life support for me. Maybe it's not that healthy, but there is no turning back. I already did it. I hope that this won't end up getting bad for me. That is the last thing I want to happen.