Mentally in love

Chapter three - First life lesson

Lesley's POV:

I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I have a lack of motivation for everything. Nothing entertains me the way it used to. I'm bored all the time. Going out is not an option. I prefer to stay at home. At least people won't see and criticize me. That is one of the reasons why I'm inside most of the time. When I was little, my parents took me to the park so I could play with the kids. Now, it feels too crowded there. Also, it's too noisy for me. I don't think I can survive. Honestly, I have no idea why I act like that. I would love to bring my younger self back. She was funnier and didn't care about anything. Growing up, I changed myself a lot. Sometimes, my parents get worried that I'll never socialize again. That is the last thing in my head. Let's say that I have too many things there. Some of them decided to stay permanently. I can't get rid of my thoughts. The other thing is that I became negative-minded. I'm not doing this on purpose. I can point out at least ten things about what can go wrong in every situation. You can guess the rest. Before, I had goals and dreams. Now, all of this is dead. I don't care about that. At least, not the way I used to. I wish my best friend had been here. I learned a lot of things from him. I had to grow up to understand what he meant. It's not like this will change something. No matter how much I want it, I can't bring him back. That's why I will always keep the memories. That is the only thing that left me from him. Well, except for the bracelet he gave me. I don't know if it meant something to him, but it did for me. Since the moment I got it, I have never taken it off. It became like something glued to my hand. I'm afraid that I might lose it. After all, he gave it to me for a reason. I hope we can meet again one day, even if it's not in this world.

I'm counting the days until I have to go to school again. They are not much. It's the weekend, so I plan to spend it at home. I don't have any activities that will make me go out. My parents will probably go shopping. They always invite me with them, but I deny it. This wants too much energy. I'll probably watch a movie in my bed. That became my everyday life. Watching other people's problems makes me forget about mine. Well, that is a temporary solution. It doesn't help all the time.

Currently, I am in bed. I got up to eat breakfast. It's not like I ate much. Then I took a blanket and laid down again. I feel lazy today. As I know my parents, they will probably make me do something. I don't mind, but I wish it hadn't been today. My mood is upside down. Honestly, it has been like that for the past couple of months. I don't know what is going on. I was looking at my phone when my dad came in.

- Get up. We are going shopping.

- Bye.

- Lesley, you are coming with us.

- Why? I'm eighteen. I don't need to go with my parents everywhere.

- You know why we do it. Let's go now.

- I'm not going anywhere. You can't make me do it.

- Please.

- No! I'm staying here.

- Is she ready? - my mom asked

- No, she isn't.

- Lesley, get up. I won't wait a whole day. - my mom said

- I'm not going anywhere.

- Why? It's still sunny. Use the chance.

- Can't you leave me alone?

- I will if you eat everything I put you for lunch.

- What? No!

- It's that, or you are coming with us.

- Fine. I'll eat it.

- Good girl. We'll be back soon. - my mom said and left with my dad

While my parents were gone, I watched a movie. The girl has a crush on a boy. She is afraid to talk to him because of his friends. I don't know why they always fall for the popular ones. Find someone who won't make you feel miserable. Only their package is good. On the inside, they stink. Luckily, I don't have to deal with that.

I heard my mom's voice after two hours. Great. Now I have to eat something. Why did I agree to do this? Well, I better do that instead of going on with them. I have nothing against them, but sometimes I like being alone. Honestly, I appreciate that they care so much about me. Not every kid is lucky to have that. The thing is that I don't make their lives easier. That's why I wish they didn't pay that much attention to me. I'll be fine one day. I went into the kitchen when I heard my name.

- I'm here.

- Good. I want the food on the plate to be gone. - my mom said

- Fine.

- Do you want juice? - she asked from the kitchen

- No, thanks. - I said and put some of my food on my parents' plates

- Hey, Lesley. I see you are hungry.

- A little bit.

- You shouldn't have skipped breakfast.

- I know. I'm sorry. I wasn't hungry in the morning.

- You say this every day.

- Hey, I didn't have that much food. - my mom said

- What do you mean?

- Lesley, I told you to eat everything.

- I am eating what you put on my plate.

- Really? I'm sure I put more than that.

- Well, I ate some of it.

- Nice try.

- I have no idea what you mean.

- Ok, eat.

- I'm doing it. - I said and took a bite

After lunch, I walked back into my room. I wish my best friend had been here. We could've talked about my day and what was happening around us. I will never have the opportunity again. I should've spent more time with him. Sadly, now it's too late. At least he taught me many things about life. Now it's time to tell you about the first life lesson I learned from him.

~FLASHBACK~

Math is my last class for the day. The teacher gave us our tests back. I'm so happy that I have an A. I was afraid I made too many mistakes. That means I would have a lower grade. Luckily, that is not the case. My parents will be happy. I took my things and walked out. I'm in a good mood today. Maybe my mom will let me have something sweet. She doesn't like it. I mean, when I eat a lot of sugar. I know it's not healthy, but it's so delicious. I walked the long way, but my friend wasn't there. That made me a bit upset. Some money has left me from this week. I can buy ice cream. I was about to go inside when I saw him at the top of a building.

- Hey, how much ice cream can I get for five dollars?

- You can get two balls of these flavors. - the man said, showing me five flavors

- Ok, I want two balls of vanilla, but in two cups.

- No problem. Here you go.

- Thank you. Bye.

- Bye.

I took the ice cream and went to this building. It took me some time to understand how he got there. Somehow I managed to do that. It makes me sad to see him alone. I walked up to him and sat down.

- Hey.

- How do you always find me?

- With my skills. I bought you ice cream.

- Why?

- Because I'm in a good mood.

- Did something happen?

- I have an A on my Math test.

- Good for you. What grade are you?

- Seventh.

- When you become a senior, things will be different.

- What do you mean?

- It won't be easy.

- Will you eat your ice cream? Otherwise, it will melt.

- Ok, ok. I like vanilla.

- Well, I had only five dollars.

- You didn't have to do this, but I appreciate it.

- Ice cream always makes me feel better on a bad day.

- Well, it made mine less terrible.

- Yay! I did something good today.

- Yes, you did.

Both of us ate our ice cream peacefully. It was so delicious. I'm happy that I bought him too. I looked at my friend. I saw that there was no smile on his face. I thought everyone liked ice cream.

- Don't you like the ice cream? - I asked

- I do. I already told you.

- Then why are you not smiling?

- I don't need to smile whenever I eat.

- Why are you upset?

- I never said I was.

- You don't have to do it. I see it. Did I do something?

- The world doesn't spin around you.

- Then what is it? I won't tell anyone. I'm good at keeping secrets. Well, except to keep them from my parents.

- I'm good. You don't have to worry about me.

- But I don't want to ruin my mood.

- No one said that you have to do it.

- Then be happy.

- Kid, things don't work like magic.

- Will you stop calling me like that? I'm only five years younger, not twenty-five. - I said, and he chuckled

- Ok, ok. You are a grown-up kid.

- No, I'm not! - I said madly, which made him start laughing

- You are so easy.

- At least you are smiling.

- What?

- I fixed your mood.

- Yes, you did.

- Can I know why you are upset?

- You won't understand.

- Why are you so sure?

- Do you want me to tell you?

- Yes.

- I don't know. I wake up like that every day.

- Maybe something happened.

- I wish I knew. I can't do anything about it.

- Have you tried?

- I will tell you something, hoping that you will understand.

- What is it?

- When you grow up, things won't get easy. You have to fight with yourself and the criticism about you every day. There is no right or wrong way to do it. That is called surviving. You might think waking up every day is easy. Well, it's not. That is a big struggle for some people. All you can do is never give up and keep doing what you always do. Otherwise, your mood will take over. You might do some things that you will regret later.

- Do you regret something?

- Yes, I do.

- What?

- Being in the state I am now.

- You can always ask for help.

- It's not that easy.

- Do you have an older brother?

- No, I have a younger one. Why?

- Because you act like one. Why are you telling me this?

- I was sure you wouldn't understand.

- I do. I want to know the reason for this.

- When you grow up, you will understand everything.

- But I want to know now.

- Enjoy the life you have now. Also, don't worry about the future. Use every moment that you have.

- For what?

- To enjoy it and be happy. That is what you have to do.

- Will you do it too?

- It's too late for me. I should've done it when I was your age.

- Why?

- It doesn't matter.

- Can I at least know your name? You have never told me.

- Dean. My name is Dean.

- I like it. Lesley and Dean. It's like the two besties you find in a movie or a book.

- I never said we were besties.

- But I do. You are officially my friend.

- If you say so.

- I have to go home, but I'll see you again. I promise.

- I can't wait.

- Bye.

- Bye.

~ END OF FLASHBACK ~

Remembering this always makes me upset. I was only fifteen when I understood what he meant. Waking up became a daily struggle for me. I don't want to continue like that, but I have nothing else to do. I wish he had told me how to deal with this. Maybe he did, but I didn't listen carefully. Well, I can't go and ask him. I was lying on my bed when my mom came to me.

- Hey, how are you?

- Bored.

- Do you want to help me in the kitchen? I have to make dinner.

- Thanks, but ask dad.

- Won't you tell me what is going on? I haven't seen you smiling in a long time.

- I'm fine.

- It doesn't look like that to me. I know you miss him, but you have to move on. It's not healthy for you to be stuck in the past.

- He was my friend.

- Nothing will change that. I'm trying to say that you can't go back in time to help him. He made his choice. Now you have to make yours. Hopefully, it won't be the same.

- I won't be so sure.

- Lesley, no! I won't let you do the same.

- You can't control these things, mom. This is my choice.

- But it's wrong. Get this out of your head. Otherwise, I'll ground you.

- How? I don't even get out of my room. I will give you my phone. Nothing there satisfies me anymore.

- I'll call you when dinner is ready.

- Ok, good. - I said, and she left

The rest of the afternoon I spent listening to music. It makes me think about many things. Mostly, it leads to old memories. I want to move on and get my life back together, but I can't. It's too hard for me. Maybe this is why Dean did this. He couldn't survive what was happening. I can't do it either, but I'm trying because of my parents. After two hours, my mom called me. She always puts a lot on my plate as I'll eat it.

- The food should be gone. - my mom said

- You too.

- Excuse me?

- I'm sorry.

- What do I have to do to make you eat?

- Nothing. You can't do anything.

- Please. I want you to be healthy. Is it that much?

- I'm not hungry.

- But you didn't even try the food. If you don't like it, I'll make you something else. You can tell me what you want. I'll do it for you. No problem.

- Mom, it's not that.

- All you have to do is say it.

- I'm not hungry! How many times do I have to tell you?

- But you have to eat.

- No, I don't. - I said and left

I walked to my room and locked the door. I went into the bathroom and took a syringe. They are filled with painkillers. I have been using these for more than a year. Luckily, my parents don't know about it. Otherwise, they will throw it away. I can't let this happen. I need this to get me throughout the day. Sometimes, I have wondered what Dean was using. He never told me. Well, back then, I was only thirteen. He will never say this to a little kid. I'm trying my best to survive. It gets hard every day. I don't know for how long I can keep doing this. I hope that one day, the end to this will come.