Silent

chapter 5

After what felt like years, I finally landed on the cement floor, my whole body aching. I weakly looked up at the stairs to see Felix walking down them towards me. I rolled on my stomach and tried getting up, just as I got onto my hands and knees I felt him start kicking me on my side. It caused me to fall down and have blood drip from my mouth like a leaking faucet. He was about to kick me again but I held my arms out, a weak attempt to block him. I heard him scoff, then he moved from his spot and grabbed the hood of my sweatshirt. My eyes widened as he yanked me back into a sitting position and punched me in the eye, hard. I felt my eye get hot as it started to swell. He grabbed my band-aid and ripped it off my forehead, the scab coming off from the force. More blood oozed out of it, the blood going over my swollen shut eye. I mouthed to stop but he didn't listen, instead, he took out a pocket knife and shoved me to the ground. I looked at the knife, then at Felix and he smiled evilly. “Sweet dreams honey. ``After that, everything went dark. When I woke I was at my mother's inherited home... This place seems so foreign now. The narrow streets flow like rivers, winding around hills and fields rather than cutting a romanesque line through them. For the most part, the lanes are one car wide and the corners blind, obscured behind the hawthorn hedgerow that has been growing unchecked through June and July, giddy with the sunshine and rain. I remember the white blooms and how they are so often overhung by spreading trees, darkening in the sunshine faster than I can tan. I recall the bird song and the gentleness of the sun, even in summer. Even the aroma takes me back to my mis-spent youth. But I've been gone too long, so much time has passed that it seems that memory is like a half-forgotten peaceful dream and it was. Hours later, I woke up from my painfully beautiful memory with my whole body aching in excruciating pain. What did he do to me in my sleep? I opened my eyes well and shot up into a sitting position, which was a horrible idea because my body wasn't satisfied with the sudden movement. I stayed still until the pain became tolerable. Looking at my arms, there was nothing there but the failure of my suicide. I rolled my sleeves back over my arms, then rolled up my pant legs, looking at my calves and thighs. Nothing. I then rolled up my shirt and sweatshirt and looked at my stomach. My hands dropped the shirt and sweatshirt as I buried my face into them, crying silently. I can't believe he’d forever scar me with such hideous words, now nobody will love me... I heard the basement door open and footsteps making their way down it, but I didn't care, he couldn't do anything more horrific than what he put on me. “ Good morning or should I say goodnight”? He chuckled at his lame joke. I didn't answer, I just hugged myself, wanting him to die. That's all I'm asking for, is that too much to ask for or something? “Come with me Ariwyn, I need to take you outside”. That's the first time he's used my real name in a long time. He usually calls me sweetie, honey, or sweetheart. I grabbed the pole and lifted myself up, turning to him. He watched my every move, making sure I didn't try any slick moves. I shakily walked over to him, ignoring the pain my body has. He grabbed my forearm, squeezing it tightly, and we both went up the stairs and to the backyard. He let my hand go and I tumbled over, not having a good balance. “ Now we wait” wait for what? is he waiting for something.. Someone to come and hurt me? What is he waiting for! I needed to... my train of thought was interrupted by a burning pain that ran through my spine. I fell to the ground wishing to be put out of my misery. Next, I felt my legs and arms throb, as did my head. I wanted to holler out for help but I couldn’t. I had to go through intense pain without someone to ease it. Seconds later, the pain stopped as if it was never there. Felix was screaming at me as I looked at him. I watched as he came towards me and I stood up and ran... Faster than I've ever ran before. I flew by trees ignoring his shouts for me to come back. I won't ever go back. In the forest, I breathe in every way that it is possible to expand: in the lungs, in the brain, in the soul. In the forest, there is a sense of kinship with the flora, of an ancient soul that stretches into everything that lives. It is here under the nascent rays of a sun born to rise each day that I am so very alive. How could I not love the forest so? From simple seed, with mud, water and sun, comes all this, these towering gentle giants that are so anchoring to all that I am. I stopped by a stream, feeling thirsty. I walked over to the water and looked down at it. I was hideous.. My anger would come like an impossible build-up of steam, burning me on the way out, burning the one on the receiving end. I can tell you honestly, every time I ever blew I reckoned the other person deserved it. There was the explosion and then the mental framework afterwards to avoid guilt, avoid owning the shame that was mine. That's how I was so foolish for so long, so immature, refusing to learn over and over - sacrificing who I was supposed to be to keep a pristine ego. But that pain, that realization, when I let it in, was more school than any classroom ever was. If I kept on being angry, how could I love anyone right? How could I begin to love myself?