Love is not only Romance

Chapter 7

Everything changed that day. I didn't speak about it. neither did anyone else. The girls didn't want to admit it. I felt more alone than ever. I felt so emotionally unstable that there were times when I couldn't keep my tears in.

Elle constantly tried to convince me to talk to the girls. She told me to be direct. To not care how they feel and just tell them how I feel. She told me that if I always cared about how they would react, I would always feel this way. I trusted her, so I did what she advised. The day when I finally had the guts to do it, made me feel so many emotions at the same time. We stood under the staircase and opened up about my darkness.

I told them about how blue I get. I tell them that I can't see myself being alive in the future. I can't sleep at night because my heart is so heavy that it sinks into my lungs and I can't breathe. I feel like I can't talk to them because all they do talk about is boys. I tell them that I get so lonely at times and I just need them right now. I tell them that I'm so sad because I have all this darkness and I have no idea where it came from and what to do with it. I tell them that I’m tired of listening to everyone and I'm tired of being there when it feels as if no one is ever there for me. I tell them that I need a rope to pull me out of this ocean that I am sinking in.

You would expect them to understand. I expected them to understand. Fudge you expectations. Fudge you.

They told me that they don't only talk about boys. And I would know that if I didn't spend so much time with Elle. They told me that they couldn't know what was happening if I never talk to them. They asked me how they can help.

I told them that I didn't know. I didn't even know how to help myself with whatever that was happening with me. I wiped my tears and told them that we would work this out. If you're wondering, we didn't work it out.

After that day I realized that I still felt lonely, but I also felt alone. I was the only one who remembered my confession. I started to wonder if I spoke to deaf ears that day. Weeks passed and I ran out of ideas. Google told me to talk to my mom and get professional help, but I ruled that out. Mom had enough stress; I could never add to that. Never.

There is always going to be that one moment where things overwhelm you. They wipe out all your senses, all the parts of your brain that stop you from doing something irrational.

This was my moment.

In my room, I stared at the ceiling. My homework waiting for me on my desk. I forced myself to take deep breaths. I forced myself to remind myself that I am alive. that thought alone ruined me. I didn't want to be alive. I didn't want to, but I had to. I had to for my family. They needed me, I needed to help them. I needed to save them. How can I be a hero? I can't even control myself. I didn't even know who the hell I am.

I didn't cry. The numbness didn't leave.

Elle held my arm, a few days. I wasn't expecting her to try to pull me towards something that caught her eye, so I hissed from the stinging. She froze, she was confused. I couldn't meet her eyes. Truth is, I was scared. She had been the only constant I had in my life; I couldn't handle the thought of her leaving me. she didn't say anything about it. she waited till break. And although our conversation didn't hold up, I prepared myself for when we finally spoke about it.

As soon as the bell rang for break, Elle pulled me to this secluded part of the school. Teachers barely used the classrooms and children never went there. We went right to the end of the corridor. I felt awkward, not knowing where this was going. She told me to sit, and she did too. I would like to think her manifestation began at that moment, but I knew it was ongoing. I guess this was the moment she made her biggest impact.

She asked to see my hand. I didn't hesitate, I couldn't lie to save my life and she would be able to cut through all my excuses. She looked at them, but I didn't get an ounce of sympathy, I was always grateful for that. She let go of my arm and began her story.

Her life is not perfect. Her family is not perfect. She was never perfect.

She told me how she had gone through her darkness. She told me how there was a time that she felt alone. She told me that she cut herself before. She showed me her darkness. She told me that it was okay to have darkness within you, as long as you saw the light as well. She told me that there are moments where she doesn't want to acknowledge her darkness. She would rather keep herself in the light. The shadows of her past were revealed to me. she made herself vulnerable because she cared for me and she was worried. She didn't want me to go too far. She didn't want me to leave. She made me promise to stop. She made me promise to talk to her anytime, any day; something that still sticks with us.