The Journey Series

Stupid US

BELLE

It feels like a dream, so that is how it feels. How some of the Kradama scenes feel in reality. I know it’s wrong but don’t judge me. It feels really right within me. I can feel our connection. The moment his lips touched mine, it works on its own and I don't even have the audacity to think about what is right or wrong. All I know is that this person gives me so much emotion, so much that it pains me. It pains me to think that Lee is not mine and God knows if he would be mine.

He went to the restroom after our moment, I’m not sure if he is mad at me or what. 

I went to the door and knocked, “Lee, are you mad?,” I hesitantly asked him.

“Jesus! Why would I be mad, Belle’, he replied. “Just give me a few minutes to calm myself, sweetheart.” he said in a warm voice.

I went back to my seat and I tried to browse on my phone. Lee is trending on Twitter and f*******: about his video leaving the airport and going somewhere. I don’t know how his agency do it but if there’s something I learned, never ever trust all the things the media says. I think it is all business for them, whether what they write will break the person.

I could still feel the sensation on my lips. I consciously touched it and thought about, what if I didn’t let him stop? Where will it lead us?  I’ve finally settled my inner battle now and I have decided to talk to Henry soon. I don’t think I could continue to be with him and especially to lie for myself. I deserve to live in a peaceful way. It doesn’t matter if I wouldn’t end up with Lee but I know for sure that what I feel for Henry is not that strong enough.

Lee came near me and hugged me and told me, “Please let me hold you for a bit, this emotion is so new to me and what we have shared tonight will hold a special place in my heart, Belle and I promise I will wait for you. Please go to Korea during your summer vacation.”

“Fipa and I are really planning to visit Korea this summer but I will let you know if this will pull through,” I explained to him.

We spent almost the entire night talking. I called Nana to explain that I will come home really late and that I need to talk to her and she said she’ll wait for me when I’m ready to open up and that she completely trusts my decisions. Again, Nana saved me, saved me from beating myself up with my irrational decisions. Damn! 

Lee also made a Facetime call with her grandma and he introduced me to her. Although we don’t talk much due to language barriers, I can feel her warmth.

“Thank you, Lee, for letting me see this different side of you and for making me realize something about my feelings,” I told him and I boldly gave him a smack on his lips and he hugged me so tightly again, that’s where I started crying. It feels so heavy, it feels so hard to say goodbye to the person that even though we haven’t spent a lot of time together, it feels like we‘ve known each other for a long time.

Lee wiped my tears and kissed me again. I swear, I don’t want to live but I know our situation is not okay right now. I promise I will talk to Henry and explain a lot of things after I finish all of my commitments back in Seoul. Thank you for staying with me before my flight. I think it’s almost time. I need to drop you home and I will go directly to the airport.

Lee combed my hair and looked at me with watery eyes, I wish I could capture this moment. It feels unreal but my raging heartbeats made me realize that I’m not dreaming and I have this beautiful man in front of me. Gazing at me and sadly and saying goodbye to me.

Lee

Who would have to experience first hand the real feeling of all the things I’m filming in my dramas and who would I’ve thought I’d fall in love with this small human being in front of my eyes. Reality bites f*****g so bad that it is ripping my heart apart. Things like this made me wish that I’m just a normal person and not an actor. I will trade anything to be in Henry's position.

My manager already sent me a message that I need to be at the airport so I gave Belle one last hug before I put my mask and hoodie on and held her hand before we left the room. I made a mental promise to myself that I will definitely come back as soon as possible.

I squeezed Belle’s hand and started to let it go before we went to the elevator.  I’m not yet leaving the country but I can’t fathom the heaviness in my heart. I know for sure how I feel and I’m hoping that one day when we see each other again I will be able to call her mine and I promise I will never let her go. I want her to be the mom of my future kids and I can't wait to wake up each morning with her beside me.

I dropped her off at the house and I also said goodbye to Nana. I am so thankful for her understanding regarding our situation. I get inside the car and I have to meet my manager at the airport now. I’m trying to calm myself and I started looking at her photos. I wish I have the power to control the time and I will definitely freeze the time that I’m with her. 

I stepped out of the car and camera flashes blinded me a bit. I didn’t expect there would be press people this morning. I just bow down and greet some of them, some are familiar places. You know those people that are on my agency's payroll. I spotted my manager at the airport’s lobby and greeted him.

“Hello, how’s your few days off? I asked him.

“Tell me about it! I spent the entire day yesterday cleaning up your mess!”, he replied.

“Thank you and before we go can I ask another favor? Can you hook me up to a flower shop online? I need to do something.” 

I quickly made an arrangement with a floral shop to send Belle flowers once a week for the entire year. I didn’t even expect that from me but it made me feel better. I started to get ready to process my boarding. I will definitely miss this place. I’m thankful I have a few normal days here before I return to chaos. My schedule is full for the entire year and the only thing I’m looking forward to is that I can at least talk to Belle if I need to feel better.