Together We Fall

Inside and Outside

I wanted to go to my cubby but it was a good chance Joe was in there watching tv or stealing candy from babies and plus I really wanted to be alone. I walked as fast as I could without bolting to my bedroom. . I stripped my jeans and replaced them with my shorts and crawled into my bed. I scooted as close to the wall as possible and curled into a ball. The moment my head hit the pillow, the dam broke and the tears flowed freely. Crying was suppose to be something that helped relieved pent up emotions but to me it was just a reminder, and those I was not too keen on having.

I couldn’t tell if it had been hours or minutes before the knock came at the door. I didn’t answer but I knew that since Norah wouldn’t knock that it was one of the boys and I didn’t want to see any of them right now. Of course after a few seconds the door opened, despite the lack of an invitation. Since my body was facing the wall, I had no idea who it was but I felt my bed shift under the added pressure.

“Cal, I’m really sorry.” Joshua sighed. “I was just trying to help. I thought that if I brought it up this time it would be different.”

“Well we see how great that worked out.” I answered my voice heavy with sarcasm and anger.

“I’m not giving up. I meant it earlier. I’ve got your back.” Joshua protested.

I shot up and turned to face Joshua so that I was staring him. I could see his reaction when he saw my wet cheeks and my red eyes but I didn’t care.

“Just don’t.” I spat. “ How can you possibly have my back? What about what just happened at dinner? Was that having my back? What’s going to happen when you leave me and move two states away Josh? Are you going to have my back then? I never asked you to do that. These past six years, you never once sided with me when I asked so why now?”

Josh’s face darkened and I could tell I hit a nerve but I also knew that something was up. “ Cal, what happened at dinner got out of hand but you have to take responsibility for what you said. That made everything worse. You should have known they would react to that. It was totally out of line and anything I said would have made it worse for you. You know that.”

“I don’t care Joshua. I’m tired of treading on ice around here while everyone else just does and says what they want.”

“I never wanted you to hurt like this Cal. Lately, I’ve been seeing a darker side of you and I don’t like it.” He moved to touch my hand but quickly retracted it like he was afraid to touch me. He stood up and forced his hands into his pants pocket. It was then that I realized he had changed from his basketball shorts to jeans. I knew he was leaving for the night, for a freedom that I couldn’t even imagine.

“Well, I figure yall can make a club or something and I’ll be the mascot. Is that being social enough for you?”

“Caleigh! Stop it.” Joshua almost yelled and the bass in his voice made me jump a little. “I can’t help you when you act like this. Act your age and maybe we can make some headway. I’m not giving up and neither should you.”

“When do I ever get to act my age Josh? You don’t even know me. You should give up Josh because he will never change and I will never leave this freaking house. He’d tie me to this freaking bed if he could.” I snapped. I was almost never upset with Josh and never angry enough to actually curse at him. “Just leave Josh. Go have fun with all your friends doing God knows what and I’ll just stay here like the good little prisoner I am.”

I could tell that Josh didn’t take too kindly to my cussing but he was the nice brother so he wouldn’t give my s**t about it tonight. He looked conflicted and I could see in his features that he was being sincere and was really worried about me. But what could he do?

“Just leave Josh. Trust me, I’ll be here in the morning.” I said as I lay back in my spot on the bed and faced the wall again. I heard him sigh and a few seconds later the door closed.

I started to drift off shortly after that but a little while after that I was awoken as Norah climbed in bed with me. She gripped me in her arms and rubbed my hair, like she normally did when I was sick or something. This time I wasn’t actually sick but it was the same feeling I usually have. There was something wrong with me but I didn’t know what it was and that thought was actually terrifying. New tears arose in the edge of my eyes as I snuggled closer into her arms.

“I’m sorry Norie.” I said as I fell into another night of darkness.

I woke up the next morning alone and the screams fading. My throat was burning and it felt dry. I crawled out of bed, my body aching, and made my way down to the kitchen for a class of water. It wasn’t until after I took a sip from my cup that a noticed I wasn’t the only one up. Joe was sitting in the corner of the dining room. His back was to the wall so he should have seen me as soon as I entered the kitchen but he didn’t move. His eyes were fixated on the table, like he was caught in a trance or reading a really deep message in his coffee.

I immediately placed the glass on the countertop and turned to leave when I heard him shift in the chair.

“Caleigh, wait.” My feet were no longer a part of my body because while the rest of my body yelled to keep moving they refused. The chair legs moved scrapped against the floor and I could hear his footsteps getting louder and closer until he was in front of me and glaring down to look me in the eyes.

“I don’t want there to ever be a repeat of what happened at dinner, do you understand me?” There was so much authority and venom in his voice and scrutiny in his eyes that I had to look away.

“I understand, Joe.” I replied. My teeth grinded together as the words left. Anger rose up my spine and I was taken aback momentarily but I was equally pissed. I turned on my heals and went back to my room. As I sat on the edge of my bed, and for the first time I thought of how I could break out of the prison.