Just a Little Bite

I like s*x with Steven when he was happy and drunk. He’d last a little bit longer and was softer kinda felt like he cared more. Cause when he wasn’t happy but nonetheless sober he was rough and punishing. Like beating me into the mattress would fix it all, or he just felt more powerful. Having someone weaker than him don’t get me wrong Steven was no string bean. Yet he wasn’t the Adonis the girls raved about either. We were the run-of-the-mill foster care runaway love story. Kinda stuck together just to say you had somebody to love, even if it was only sometime. I wouldn’t say I was a small girl with big dreams to see the world like some fairytale. However, living and not just surviving scraping by the skin of my teeth. Hiding whatever I can make from one of Steven‘s get rich schemes. He bets it all and loses it just as fast as he stole it from me. Then he comes in here pisser than the horse he bets on and I’m the blame. Somehow we get out of it and somehow I fix it an his ideals get worse. Maybe I’m an enabler, I should’ve cut the cord long ago. But then who would I have and who would have me after all I’ve done. 16 seems so long ago from the 21 year-old life eating away at my years Steven eating away anything left. He never apologizes just makes excuses on how it’s my fault again he wasn’t always like this. You know but always doesn’t erase it all away now does it? I remember a time he batted me so hard in the face in a rage. Over why I couldn’t just help him out this time, but this time is all the time. He said he didn’t mean to that I was standing too close. I guess three strides and a slugger was personal space. Better yet even now a locked bedroom door and a bathroom didn’t define distance. He kicked the door in dragging me out of the crapped damped bathroom by my hair. f**k you, Steven f**k you. I shot it to the top of my lungs kicking and screaming. Steven was big, and clumsy, tripping over himself, which gave an opening when I kicked him square in the face, my victory was fleeting as I made a dash for the kitchen. The drawer clutter to the floor with me knives and spoons alike sliding across the floor as he dropped his weight on my chest. Dammit Apple, he gripped, squeezing my cheeks in between his fingers. Desperation clings to this man like an attic to a pipe. I have a guy on the inside. It’s a sure win. I promise you he shouted. I continued my struggle as he pinned my wrist down to the floor. Where is the money? I know you have some. He growled. Steven get off of me aren’t you tired of living like this? Being this version of yourself. All you said you didn’t wanna be you’re so much like him that nailed my coffin. Hank his no good gambling father and here his son shaking me endlessly. I just wanted it to stop “take it”. I croaked , take it and nodded my chin towards the cabinet sink. He did take it, all of it. There was no thank you or please no consent or can I he just took it like everything else. With everything out of his control maybe this was a power play to show me my place beneath him without mercy peppering , kisses into my neck to hide the sweet lies in his eyes. Just on how he’d get the money back this time. I just laid there scalp burning where he surely ripped chunks of my hair out, staring at the ceiling, he long gone naked from the waist down, counting the black dots and wondering who would kill me first the mold growing in my shitty apartment or Steven. Once I finish moping around on the floor, I got up taking in the havoc he brings and I allow it. My body ached in places, I try not to think about it too hard. I wish I could have one of those fancy baths in the big tubs with the jets & expensive bubbles. Like that one movie with the escort and the fancy rich man, who looks like he should’ve had a british accent but didn't. Instead, I settled for my rickety showerhead, groans of the ageing pipes,heard through the thin wall as cold water shoots out. I make it quick. Dressing comfortably as I step over the falling door that once concealed the bathroom from view. I pulled the dresser from the wall stashed behind It, was a hole kicked in long ago and forgotten, I grabbed a bag where my real stash hide. The other a couple hundred dollars a decoy at best you know Small sacrifices just so he’s off my back. This was one of those months month kind of things. I already spoke with the landlord, though if not for voluntarily leaving. I’m sure I would’ve got kicked out eventually Steven never been a peacemaker. His tantrums getting bigger with every visit. I kicked him out months ago but he always rears his fat head. When I least expect it, but this time I was waiting for him. It definitely hurts a bit on the inside, realizing I need to continue without him. I saw a tv series on something similar to this point in my life some months ago called Stockholm syndrome. Wonder if I have that did I unconsciously romanticize my own abuser. Maybe I did an it started way before I even realized it was happening. Just like our first time together partying too hard young I 18 he 21 back then we were just friends. Steven was getting a bit too high,bit too drunk. I was dancing when he offered me some coke. I had never had it and under pressure I tried some. It was my first & last time, especially after what happened. I felt out of it all over and dazed I tried to go lay down somewhere along they way blackout. I woke to Steven kissing me and on top of me. For a moment I was frozen because we were friends family, and I tried to push him off. He'd already lifted my skirt up around my waist with his pants half down. I'd tried to push him off me with failed protest Stevens what the hell were you gonna do it even with me passed out. He said I’m gonna always take care of you, but you have to take care of me too. I should’ve known it was the biggest lie man created back then. Steven was like a kid in the candy store if you leave it unguarded he would take it. An opportunist at its finest Steven never really took care of me. Maybe a bar fight here & there to stop some guy from getting to close. But I know better to think anything other than a starving dog protecting his bone. I finally got in to my new place It was a small studio hotel with a half kitchen. Though the rent was a monthly at least. I did get a discount you know five stars only for me. The new owner I worked for bought it out. Renting it to only the female staff with the clubs crazy hours the commute in minutes. Speaking of work I had to go in for my first shift. I'd done the walk-through already, with the manager Sissy. Met her a few years back on one of our live to struggle adventures. Back then she was twenty-two working some bottle girl & more service. She put me on when I was down bad 17 fibbing cus the working age was 21. She'd say all u have to do is laugh at there bad jokes n make them feel important. Whatever you negotiate after that is yours to keep men just want a pretty little think like you on their arm.