Honey, why?

4. Hazelnut and Honey

1999

"Let us start from the very beginning."

We do this every night when she comes back. Mommy claps her hands two times and she starts the music again. After my school, I will practice with my aunt, and then with mommy when she arrives from work. I'm always tired but I like what I'm doing.

Holding the Mikey in my hands, I follow the tune of the music and sway to it. I keep on listening until that note comes then I begin to move my mouth.

My other arm sway up and then down, and I move my head here and there. I am looking at mommy the whole time. I'm doing what mommy does. I wanna be like mommy.

I am standing so high on the chair, being like mommy, and my aunts and my little sister and my naught little baby brother are all clapping their hands. I feel so, so happy.

We practice more and more and then the day comes for me to go on stage. There are a lot of people. Many, many people. I see my friends Jesse and Paula and I know my other friends and classmates are there too but I can't see them because there are tall people everywhere. All I see are knees and waist and legs.

My aunts and my sister and my brother are all there, waiting for my turn. They told me they will clap and shout for me when I come on stage. They said they will blow me kisses and throw me roses. And I will do my best for them.

My mommy places necklaces on me and rings and bracelets. She combs my hair again and again and then it's time to wait beside the stage. The teachers says I'm next. After this one I'm next.

It's cold and dark. I want to go home. But mommy says not yet. She says she's never gonna leave me. After this, she says, we can go home. It's okay, she says. She will stay with me.

I hear my song playing so loud. It can be heard all around this big place. But it's not yet my turn. I peek at the stage and see a boy standing in the middle.

He has the Mikey on his hand. He follows the tune of the music and sways to it. He keep on listening until that note comes then he begin to move his mouth. He's singing my song.

His voice is so beautiful. And his face is so beautiful. I feel like he is singing to me. I look up at mommy and I see her mouth move and her face angry. She's facing a teacher.

I look for my aunts but they disappeared from the dark. What is my mommy saying? I can't hear with the loud singing of the boy on the stage.

I look at him again. The song is finish and he stopped singing. I hear the  people clap and shout and they stand for the boy. He bows two times and waves his hand to everyone. His smile is the biggest smile I have ever seen.

He looks so bright. Like an angel. I feel mommy's hand hold my hand tighter. My hands are wet now and mommy is hurting me now. I can hear her shouting now. So fast. She's still talking to the teacher.

I look at the stage again. The boy is walking to me now. He stops in front of me and smiles at me. He's really an angel.

"Good luck out there," he says to me, his hand on my shoulder. He goes away and I breathe faster and faster. I'm next. Mommy leads me to the stage, letting my hand go.

"But mom -"

"No, no, honey. You have to get out there alone. Mommy's gonna be here, okay? Just do as we practiced. You'll do great."

Then she kisses my head and pushes me a little to the stage.

"Go on now, Ace. In the middle," she says. So I walk to the center of the stage until I cannot hear mommy anymore. The light is blinding but I feel better with that. I don't like the dark.

My song starts to play. I can hear the people talking from below but I cannot see their faces. My breath is still fast. I listen to my music. Oh no! I missed the first notes! I began to sing, running after the notes I missed. I catch up and it's okay now. 

I look down and see mommy below. She's so close to the stage. I follow her hands and I do what she's doing. I hear nothing but my own voice. Now I don't feel the beating in my chest anymore.

Suddenly, everything went black. I hear screams all over and I can't see anything. I want to run to my mommy but I don't know where she is because it's so dark. I shout her name but all I can hear are other voices. I cannot hear my mommy.

My tears feel cold on my cheeks and my nose is all stuffy I cannot breathe anymore. I fell to my knees and cry harder. I think I just had a boo boo on my knee.

And then something squeezes my arms. It hurts so bad! It's a monster! I shout even louder, I don't want to go with the monster!

But the monster was strong and it made me stand up and it run fast so I run fast, too. Down the stairs. Left and right. I bump my head too much but the hand of the monster squeezing my wrist hurts much more.

I don't want this anymore. I want my mommy. She told me she's never gonna leave me. I shut my eyes and wish this is just a dream and I will wake up when I open my eyes.

The monster stops running. Is it gonna eat me now? I look up. I am standing outside in the parking lot. It is nighttime but there are lights here.

And the one who took me is not a monster. No, not at all. He let go of my hand and start to walk away but I hold his hand again. I don't want to be alone.

I sniff and sniff and then the boy hugs me. I cry and cry again. I think it's a very long time that I cry on his shirt. It's so wet now. Your chest is so wet now.

I'm sorry. So so sorry.

"It's okay, just let it all out, honey," he says. His hand pats my head, and then I feel his chin on top of it. He's saying something to me. I don't understand. His voice doesn't sound okay. Is he singing?

I sniff sniff and I can smell his perfume but only a small bit. My hands are crumpling his shirt.

I'm so sorry. So so sorry.

He pushes me away from him but nicely, looking at my eyes. "You look horrible. But your voice sure is amazing. Much better than that guy who sang before you." He winks at me. I like the colors of his eyes.

He smiles and I smile and I don't feel alone anymore. The tall boy wipes my face with his shirt and tells me I cry ugly. It's okay, I don't care. At least I'm not alone.

"You're weird," he says. And the I hear my mommy shouting my name. She sound so far but her voice sound louder and louder.

I looked back and see her running to me. I smile so big and I turn back to the boy to tell him that's my mommy but he's gone. I look all over but I can't see him. He's gone and I didn't say thank you to him.

Mommy reaches me and hugs me so tight I feel like being crushed and then my family is there all of them and the teachers and the guards and even the little boy who sang my song was there, too. He has a funny look on his face. My aunt is wiping my face and my nose and everyone looks so worried that I start to cry again.

I am carried by my mommy and I cry cry cry so much on her shoulder and I can't remember what happens next because when I open my eyes again, I'm on my soft bed and everything is alright and my mommy is beside me. I wake up from my dream.