Honey, why?

2. One Missed Call

Hey, have I told you how I ended up being text mates with the boy of my dreams? It was a silly story, really. I was just being so dramatic that one night, during the beginning of summer year two thousand and nine.

There I had laid on my bed staring up at the glow-in-the-dark covered ceiling of our treehouse, wondering when will my true love realize that I'm the one for him.

It was the day of the twins' birthday party which just came to an end. I was amazed by how time just flew by, it seemed like they only turned one-year-old yesterday and today, they're suddenly a year older. I can still remember the day they were born and how I wasn't present at the time of their delivery, but that's entirely a different story.

My cousins and my siblings laid in a deep sleep in their own sleeping bags, we shared the only room in the treehouse, while our aunts stayed outside at the small living area, sleeping on the sofa bed and the couch that dad and uncle Frank managed to put there.

We all decided to sleep here for the night since the twins were stubborn about it and since it's their birthday we all figured, what the heck. Why not squeeze in a small wooden box that we weren't even sure could accommodate two toddlers, two middle schoolers, a high schooler, and three young adults?

Everyone was partied out including me, even mom who did go back to her clinic in the middle of the disappearing bunny act of Mr. Hermit the Magician, and dad, who went back to his office when we were cleaning up.

Now, I can only think of two occasions celebrated in life that makes one think about every decision he has made and then, the inevitable futures. Those events are: weddings, and you guessed it right - birthdays. 

So during that whole time that the twins ran around and fell back on their bums on the grass, laughing and eating and playing and crying with their playmates, I was struck with an uninvited dread. Like I've said, it seemed to me like time just flew by them, flew by me. And I thought the whole duration of the party how I was then a senior in high school, the last year of my secondary education before I fled for college, only a thin wall barrier left against the real hard world.

I know, silly, right? What a way to think when you're just seventeen years old. I guess I read too many Bildungsroman novels that time. Or watched too many Woody Allen films.

I went so crazy with my emotions. Then I did something that was so utterly out of my zone.

How could I have been so stupid?

He was like Luke, but he's more... what's the word? Well, he wasn't such a playboy like Luke. He's this straight A's grade conscious guy whereas my best friend is the artsy creative one. And even though he is a flirt, he's not physically a flirt like Luke, if you know what I mean.

I have gone mental and needed to be admitted to a psychiatric institution. I needed to get therapy from doctor Reys asap because I was losing it.

Since freshmen year I've been crushing on him. I was just so good at keeping my feelings in check and putting on a straight face.

I've had quite a fair share of awkward and embarrassing moments around him but, whatever. I figured that it was the last impression that matters the most. I wanna end that school year with a bang, bang, bangity bang.

I just never knew what to do feeling all of those feelings, you know? I've seen a lot of relationships gone from heaven to hell and there's more failed battles of love than successful ones.

Gah! All those novels and films really messed up my vision on love. Not to mention...

Sigh. Anyway.

It was too late for any hesitation, anyway because the damage has been done and if I was being honest with myself, I have to say that what I did is quite a breath of fresh air. I was glad I did what I did, and that something unexpected came out of it. Maybe it's time for me to stop being such a wuss and start actually living. It felt like something heavy was lifted out of my chest.

I began listening to a lot of Taylor Swift that whole summer because the MP3 player I borrowed from my sister was full of that crap. Before I knew it, the lyrics started to make sense to me and boy, did I associate those songs to my one-sided love.

The hooting of an owl and the sound of cicadas outside made me even lonelier that one fateful night. In addition to that was the heartbreaking howling from my headphones. It was past 1am on that Saturday when I suddenly (and stupidly) decided to confess my undying love for him.

Clutching my midget shirt in my palms, I sat up with resolve, making the wooden floorboards of our tree house creak slightly.

"Sheesh," I whispered. I saw the tiny body of my sister Lily tensed, before going slack again. I let out a breath and reached for my phone underneath my sleeping bag.

I had all of my classmates' mobile numbers, since i was the class representative. And mon amour, on the other hand, was the student body representative. See how compatible we were?

If you only knew me,

we could be a beautiful miracle.

Unbelievable.

Instead of just invisible.

Taylor's words just kept popping into my head and I can't even turn her off. But it made my heart ache. So much.

I found his name on my contact list and pressed dial. I felt so bold and empowered. But really, I was just lying to myself.

I knew he won't be able to answer my call. I knew he won't  even be able to listen to a single word that I have had to say. I knew because I don't have any credit on my phone, so the call won't connect through. I just want to vent out my feelings to him because I feel like I might explode.

It's our last year this year, and I don't want to go to college without ever getting this out. But let's be honest, even if I did get my feelings out, I won't be getting him out of my mind.

I just wanted to feel like I was really talking to him even if I really wasn't. I mean, come on. I was not that brave. And I didn't want to make it seem like I was desperate. Although I really was.

So I whispered onto my phone as it continues to ring and started to tell him how much he means the world to me. I began by saying his name, the words flowing out of my mouth in hushed tones and I could only imagine myself reading a page off of my journal as I (pretended to) talk to him.

Lily was snoring softly on the other side of the room in her own sleeping bag, and I tried to concentrate on my own steady breathing despite the beating of my heart as I continue my confession.

I tried to spill the undercooked beans of emotions as I waited for the voice that would have said how my phone balance was zero.

At the corner of my eyes, I felt the tears swelling up. What I was doing was so childish and foolish. Not to mention pathetic. I had been hiding my feelings for him all those time.

In our classroom, he was all I see. I see him doodling on his notebook when I enter the room through the backdoor, because he was seated at the row third to the last one. I see him furrowing his dark brows as we all study for our quizzes whenever I pretend to ask my classmate Nessie, who was sitting behind me, some questions I already knew the answers to.

I see him walking in and out of our room every time the school have a program and he's organizing everything. I see him as the student representatives of all the classes and organizations have a meeting at the Council Room.

He was all I see. He was all I hear. Although most of the time, the pounding of my heart against my ears drown his voice as I watch his lips move. All those years I watched him flirt with other girls, girls who were not me.

And each time I felt my heart sank to my stomach. Because the way he treats them, it's the same way he treats me. I'm nothing special. Just another girl who fell head over heels for him. Someone who will never get his attention.

Don't get me wrong, he's not a bad person. He was just so dam charming and good with the public. He was kind and it's not hard to fall in love with him. And I was not the only one who have realized that, I know. I saw it whenever I watch some friends, classmates, school mates, strangers act around him.

So back to the recounting of the events that led into what we could call a harmless text mate situation right now, here's what happened next:

I was in the middle of telling him about how I thought he will never look at me the way I want him to and that I knew he'll never see me the way he sees her, when he picked up. Yep. He picked up.

He PICKED UP THE DAM PHONE.

Apparently, I still had some credit left when all I thought was that I used it all up. I was too clouded by my emotions and drowsiness that I didn't even noticed the continuous ringing on the other end of the line.

Well that's stupid. This is stupid. I am so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid girl.

"Hello? Ace?" he said groggily. I squeaked and was so startled to hear his voice I panicked as I sat up and tried to end the call. I wanted to throw my phone to the wall and hurl myself in the ocean.

Sheep. Did I just wake him up? I did, didn't I? Or he was awake all along? Oh my freaking goat how much of what I said he heard? I felt my face getting wet by the growing falls of sweat dripping from my scalp. My armpits begun to cry as well.

That was beyond embarrassing. My whole face heated up. Then I felt the dried up tears on my cheeks. It was supposed to be a silent plea. A secret confession. How did it turn out that way?

In my haste to push the end call, I accidentally threw my head back and hit it square on the wall so hard out of extreme anticipation and an outburst of feelings.

I hissed at the shot of pain that coursed through my entire head going down to my shoulders and back, and I was absolutely positive that he heard it before I hung up.

Holy guacamole.

I was rummaging for excuses to say to him for the day when see him at school, when my phone vibrated.

Now who could it possibly be - OHMOFREAKINGLIZARD IT WAS HIM.

He texted me. And I still have that text message he sent to me saved here in my phone.

That message that started it all.