Finding Happiness (sneak peek)

Have you ever felt so insecure about yourself that you ate your feelings? No? I have multiple times.   I never liked my weight, and I have tried multiple times to lose it. Not seeing any results caused me to become depressed, which lead me to eat my feelings away. All in all, I gained ten pounds over time.  It all started when I was dating my now ex-boyfriend, Ezra. I thought we were in love, or at least I was in love with him. Everything was going great until one day, he started picking at my flaws and stopped calling me beautiful. Instead, he tore me down until I believed everything he had to say, thinking it was all true. There were times he told me I looked a little too round and go run. One time we went out to eat, and he made me eat a small healthy meal. I'm not sure what changed his mind about me, but it hurt.  My weight was the biggest flaw. Ezra did not like the ten pounds I started gaining over time. There were multiple occasions where he asked me to go to the gym with him. Every time I turned the offer down, which caused him to make little remarks. It was always "If you would just go to the gym with me, you wouldn't have that extra weight on you." Then he started on my clothes. He would make comments on how I didn't dress like the other girls at school. In his eyes, I needed to show more skin.  When we first started dating five months ago, he would always tell me how much he loved my hair. I never kept the same color for too long. But, as time went on, it became a flaw. He said I needed to have a natural color and not something out of a crayon box. That hurt considering it was a feature that attracted him to me. Everything he commented about started three months into our relationship. By the fourth month, Ezra was too far into my head. Every bad thing he picked out about me was playing like a broken record on repeat. That was just the beginning of it all.  I decided I wanted to do something cute for Ezra. So what did I do? I made myself feel and look pretty that day. I took the time to do my makeup and wore a cute t-shirt dress. I planned on seeing if he wanted to go to the movies or maybe have a movie day inside.  When I arrived at his house, I knocked on the front door, but there was no answer. Sometimes Ezra told me to just let myself in if his car was in the driveway, so that's what I did.  Once inside, I took notice that there was no one else here.  Ezra must be in his room. With a smile on my face and a little pep talk, I made my way upstairs.  Standing in front of his door, I took a deep breath before turning the knob and walking into his room.  The sight in front of me broke me. Ezra was sitting on his bed making out with one of the girls he said he'd never date. A cheerleader.  They both had their shirts off, showing off their perfect bodies. The girl he was with didn't even have an ounce of fat on her body. No wonder he wanted me to go to the gym. Those ten pounds were starting to bite me in the ass. I must have made a noise because they broke apart to look at me. At first, his face showed a hint of guilt, but it quickly changed, or maybe I was seeing things. The words he said next became my breaking point. “Get out, you fat cow!” I could not believe what I was hearing, but I did as he asked and left, heading straight home. No questions asked. That was the day things got rough for me.  Standing in the safety of my room, I stood in front of my mirror and picked out everything I thought was wrong. Everything he thought was wrong.  There was not one thing on my body I liked. Standing there with my reflection staring back, I decided to change things. Thankfully, it was summer, and I had a few months before I had to face them.  Two weeks. For two weeks, I've been wallowing in depression. Some people will be like, "You were only together for five months. That's not long enough to get depressed." What people don't realize is the trauma I went through for two months. I was criticized and degraded to the point, I believed the things that were said about me.  Thankfully, it was still summer break, and I have no reason to see anyone. Especially Ezra and the girl he was with. I'm not exactly sure who she was, but I also didn't know any of the cheerleaders.  In these two weeks, I've probably gained an extra five pounds, adding to my depression. Today was the day I decided to change things. I couldn't keep doing this to myself because of one guy. I Raine Ellen Brooksam better than this, or at least I think I am. Gathering up my wallet, keys, and phone, I decided to go to our local gym. This was the start of my happiness. My goal is to lose the little extra weight I've gained and tone up.