Mate's Redemption

Chapter 3: Emotional Roller Coaster

The next morning I woke to an empty room. I couldn’t smell that delicious scent as strongly anymore, so I’m fairly positive James has been gone for a good while. Being an alpha, it didn’t shock me. I’m sure he was very busy. Rogue attacks had become more and more frequent in the last year. All packs were working together to handle this issue but to no avail. In fact, the attacks had actually become more frequent, brutal and gory in the last month. Pack members of the Black Blood Pack were not permitted to walk alone. Except me. No one ever participated in the buddy system with me. I was on my own. I think a few hoped I would be picked off because I was on my own. And I had no wolf. Late bloomers existed but just about everyone had shifted by the time they were sixteen and if not then, then at eighteen. But my eighteenth birthday was some days ago now and I still haven’t sensed my wolf yet. I had begun to lose hope of ever meeting and becoming one with her. And if that never happened then James would have to reject me for sure, if I was his mate. The thought made my throat constrict and tears pool in my eyes. Why did the concept of him rejecting me make me so sad already? I wasn’t even sure we were mates ourselves. I pushed the thought aside and went to the bathroom.

After a nice warm bath I came out feeling refreshed wrapped in my towel. The bath bomb must have covered James’ scent because I opened the door to James standing in the room waiting for me. His eyes trailed up and down my body and the towel that now felt way to small in my hands, barely covering my body. I could feel my cheeks scorch like they had been burned by the touch of the sun itself. 

“What are you doing in here?” I yelped after gaining composure.

“Well, it technically is my room.” He smirked.

I went to argue but stopped. He was right. I huffed and turned around and dashed back into the bathroom locking the door. Wolves like the chase though, especially males chasing their mates and I should’ve remembered that. But it’s been so long since I seriously considered these things that I forgot. I heard a bang at the door behind me and screamed, running to the other side of the bathroom. 

“Cassia, I’m sorry. My wolf was ready for the chase. He is having a hard time not taking you and marking you where you stand even now.”

I was stunned. I hoped he wouldn’t forcefully mark me. I was tired of men forcing themselves on me. Suddenly, anger bubbled up inside of me. It felt forgein. All I was used to was abuse and pain these last four years and it had broken me severly. This anger was too much to contain and I snapped.

“YOU WON’T PUT THOSE GODDAMNED CANINES ANYWHERE NEAR MY NECK UNLESS I GIVE PERMISSION.” 

“Cassia…” James warned. This tone was different. I could tell it was his wolf, the alpha warning me to stop testing him. He had been patient and kind so far but he was still an alpha and I had to remember that. The warning was enough to snap me back into submission as flashes of being beaten senseless flashed across my mind like an old movie. 

“S-s-sorry alpha.” I whispered. I knew that most wouldn’t be able to hear me through the door but being an alpha, James would hear me with ease. I sniffled. Even when I tried to take some control back in my life it was ripped out from under me cruelly. Why Goddess? Why could I not have just died with my entire family and my pack four years ago? What did I do to suffer so much? What pain have I ever caused someone that would warrant me to feel pain as I do now? I couldn’t understand it. The door was forced open, the handle broken as gently as possible and James slowly entered. He could see me sitting in the jacuzzi style tub head in between my knees and the tears streaming freely. I didn’t bother looking up this time. If I had an outburst like that and he was going to hurt me, he already would have. And even if he decided to kill me where I sat crying, I wouldn’t care. At least then I would get to see my family and pack again. I yearn for my mother’s hugs and comfort. I even miss Christoff and Hank teasing me. I just miss my family! The sniffles turned to quiet sobs and I hear James cross the bathroom. He slides into the tub with me and slides me into his lap. This time I don’t fight or run. I don’t have the strength. I’m exhausted. This entire last day has been nothing but emotional roller coaster after emotional roller coaster. Sitting in James' lap felt oddly comforting. Eventually, I quieted down and my eyes fell closed again. I vaguely remember James laying me in his bed and sliding in the side and wrapping his arms around me. He slowly pulls me to him and I turn into his chest and close my eyes. I haven’t felt this safe in four years no scratch that. In my entire life! I hope to Goddess that this isn’t some cruel joke or a dream.

I wake shortly after in James' arms, still. I feel warm and safe. The feeling of being home still around me. I wonder if it's because of the mate bond like James is insisting we share, or if it's because he's the first person to show me an ounce of kindness in four years. I decide it must be the latter as I can't understand why the Moon Goddess would pair me up with such a handsome man. I had been convinced I was deserving of nothing good in life these last four years. Especially love and tenderness. It had become something I resigned to accept. James snored quietly in my ear but my bladder screamed, begging for release. I tried to slip out of his iron grip but it was of little use. My wriggling woke him and his voice came out in a sleepy gruff.

"Cassia, just where do you think you're going?" The sleep evident in his voice made my heart race. The automatic alpha tone, while he likely didn't intend to use it with me, stirred something foreign deep inside of me...

"I have to use the bathroom Alpha James." I whispered.

He sighed, pulled me closer in a gentle final squeeze before releasing me. I got up and scurried across to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door before heading to the toilet.

The bathroom was equally as stunning as the bedroom. It was stark white marble from floor to ceiling. To my life was a couple's vanity with beautiful gold faucets and giant gold rimmed circular mirrors above each sink. Across from the vanity was the walk-in shower. The marble continued inside of the shower, but the ground of the shower was cement. It weirdly worked. The water handles and shower head were also gold and just to the right, with shelves built into the marble directly across from the shower head. The glass door was amazing. It allowed total transparency while inside the shower, but from outside, with the press of a button the glass shifted so no one looking in could see. Perfect for privacy! I stepped out of the shower to look at the back wall where in the back left behind the vanity was a small cubby like area with a half wall. The toilet was tucked in the far-left corner behind the half wall to again, offer some sort of privacy. to the right of the half wall, a good distance away was the jacuzzi tub fit for two. I could see all of the jets and wondered how it must have felt to have a bubble bath in it.

I went to toilet to relieve myself and was getting ready to leave when I noticed a tray sitting next to the tub and on it was a bowl of bath bombs, a bowl of epsom salts that smelled lovely, and a bottle of bubble bath. I bit my lip. No. I wasn't given permission to use his bath or his things, I shouldn't touch anything. I should leave. But...I hadn't had a relaxing bath in four years, and the door was locked annnnnd Alpha James was still asleep so what could it hurt? Before I knew it I had turned the golden spigot on to steaming hot water and plugged the gold drain. I watched the hot water begin to accumulate, a forest of fog growing above the surface. I waited a minute for some more water to gather before I added some bubble bath, epsom salt and hell, I even threw a bath bomb in there. Once the tub was full, I stripped down quickly and hopped in. I sank into the hot water up to my chin and closed my eyes. It burned my skin but it felt exquisite. I moaned in approval and smiled to myself. I must have fallen asleep because I was startled, I don't know how much later, by an urgent knock at the door.

Shit, f**k!

I flew out of the tub and almost ate s**t on the beautiful white marble floor in my haste getting out. There were a few loud slipping noises and a small thud when I grabbed the side of the tub to catch myself from totally biffing it.

"Cassia? Are you okay, love?" I could hear the concern in who I now came to recognize as Alpha James.

"I'm fine, sir. I'm so sorry. I-I didn't mean to use your things without permission." I looked down ashamed realizing I had basically stolen from this man.

"Would you mind me coming in, or you coming out to get dressed, Cassia?" He gently asked through the door.

I bit my bottom lip nervously, "I-I will come out in a moment."

I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. I was prepared to be beaten as soon as I crossed the threshold into the bedroom. I almost didn't move, frozen with fear. It took me a good minute to finally start for the door to the bedroom. I opened it slowly and stepped out even slower than I had opened the door. I walked out tentatively ready for a blow from any direction at any moment but it never came. Instead, I saw James sitting across the room in the chair on the other side of the bed where I had been sleeping. I looked to my left, right, and behind me. We were the only ones here it seemed.

"D-do you need me to kneel?" I asked, looking down.

"Kneel for what, love?" He asked, genuinely confused.

"I-I d-don't know i-if you want to beat or a-a-as-assault me in some other way for stealing your bath items and having a bath." By the time I finished I was barely audible.

Silence.

More silence.

I didn't dare look up. My heart was pounding and I was expecting to be ripped forward by my hair at any moment. But...it never happened.

What eventually followed after the eternity of silence was a loud, frustrated sigh.

"Cassia, what do you think you're here for?" He asked, curtly. But this time I didn't faint. I remained strong because I needed answers. Fear couldn't control me forever. I was beginning to adapt here and not feel on edge so much.

"I-I..." I began but couldn't finish. I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes, threatening to break free.

"I think I am here to be a slave of some sort. Maybe even a concubine." I finished quickly. My eyes trained to my feet.

"WHAT?" He roared. I flinched and glanced up terrified. I could see the red almost totally taking over his eyes. His wolf was dangerously angry at the thought of me being his slave or his concubine, it would seem. I could feel my head becoming light but I could not allow myself to fall. I steadied myself.

"W-well, you see, Al-James," I began. "A-at the B-black Blood Pack, Beta John would beat and assault me for a-anthing." I finished in a whisper.

I heard a frustrated sigh. "Cassia, I mean it when I say we are mates. I would never dream of hurting you in any way. I have been waiting for you for so long..." I could hear the yearning in his voice as he trailed off. This gave me the courage to do more than steal a peek at him. When my eyes came to rest on his face, I could see the anguish in this beautiful man's eyes. For all I had endured, for everything I had been through, I could not bear to see this man in pain. This big strong alpha. Hurting for...for me, it would seem. And being that I had been through so much pain myself in life, I would never want to inflict that on anyone but the Black Blood Pack themselves. Revenge was one thing. Avenging my family was one thing. Hurting an innocent, like I had been time and time again was something I would never do. I took a tentative step in his direction and pushed myself forward. I slowly crossed the distance between us and reached for his hand. He didn't move the entire time I did this. He silently watched me, cautiously. We had hardly spent any time together at all and what we had spent together was me in hysterics, panic attacks and essentially going through my trauma. I began to feel guilty. Why was it his responsibility to deal with my issues? It wasn't. Plain and simple. And I needed to be grateful he was being so patient and kind with me. After being treated so cruelly for so long, I felt the need to repay that debt. I dropped his hands, and to my knees in front of him. I was used to being forced to do this, so it really was nothing that I wasn't used to.

"Cassia?! What the f**k are you doing?" Alpha James hissed as he shoved my hand away from his belt and took an enormous step back.

I was genuinely confused. This was what I was always made to do when the Black Blood Pack had decided I owed them a favor for not being tortured or beaten to severely that day. This time though, part of me felt hurt at the rejection. How strange. I had never felt anything but hatred for this part of being the pack slave before. I looked at him in genuine confusion.

"I am sorry, sir, I mean, James." I stuttered.

"Usually, at the Black Blood Pack that kind of thing was expected of me when Alpha Ross or Betta John thought they were owed it for not beating me senseless on certain days." By the time I finished explaining myself, my cheeks were the color of the ripest tomatoes you'd ever seen and the anger radiating off of Alpha James was palpable.

"THEY FORCED YOU TO DO WHAT?" He roared.

I flinched and stepped back. I was ready for the space between us to be closed and me dragged to the basement to be beaten or tortured, but it never came. The longer I stood there, in Alpha James bedroom the more things began to sink in logically. I had had a good minute to finally realize that he would not have brought me up here if he had been lying about being mates. It was possible because I did not have my wolf yet that I could not feel the bond fully, but it would explain why I felt unexplainably safe around this god-like man. I chewed my bottom lip as I mulled this thought over.

"Please, Cassia, stop..." Alpha James voice came out low, and gruff.

He walked across the room, grabbed my jaw as gently as possible, and pulled my lip out from under my teeth.

"Wha-" I began, but I was cut off by the crimson in his eyes before I could finish my question. Then I understood. His wolf was having a hard time containing itself and taking me right there. Fear shot through my body and my eyes widened in fear. He was trying to control his wolf but..what if he couldn't? Was I to be r***d and forced Luna of this pack? I quickly broke contact and began backing away towards the bathroom to escape.

"Cassia, please little one, I didn't mean to scare you.." He stepped towards me with his hand out, but then he stopped and dropped it.

I was already through the bathroom door, shutting and locking it as I heard him finish that sentence. When the door was closed and locked, I let out a sigh of relief. Sure there was no real security. If he wanted, Alpha James could rip through that door any second if he wanted to. But the barrier made me feel better at least.

"I'm sorry Cassia," I heard him through the door.

Then, I could hear footsteps getting further away and what must have been the bedroom door click. I closed my eyes and let the tears come. I was trying so hard to not let these last four years plague my every moment of existence but it was to much. All of this was to much. All of a sudden, I could feel myself starting to separate from myself and I was having an out of body experience. Could this be dissociation, I absentmindedly wondered?

I watched myself head to the tub and start the water. I could kind of feel the thoughts of thinking a bath was a good idea but I had no control over what I was doing. I was on autopilot. Tears were streaming down my face, I could see and then I was sucked back into my body. No longer was I watching third person but living it in first person, as usual again. I robotically went into the cabinet, and pulled out a cartridge of fresh razors. The tears were coming so violently now I could hardly see. I cut myself a few times trying to get a single blade out but finally I was successful. I hardly noticed the blood dripping on the white tile floors from my bleeding fingers as I walked to the tub and sank in, right in my pajamas. I took a shaky breath and brought the razor to my arm. I dug the blade in as deeply and quickly as I could and ripped it straight down in a vertical line. I didn't even feel the pain. I went to my other wrist but before I could open my other arm I felt to weak to continue. I must have really sliced myself deep. Good. I felt waves of relief wash over me as I waited for myself to be consumed by death and reunited with my family by the Moon Goddess.

I barely heard the bathroom door kicked in and Alpha James yelling

"CASSIA? CASSIA CAN YOU HEAR ME? Hold on little one. I've got y-..."

Blackness consumed me.

I was floating in a black void. Weightless. Free from stress. Free from pain. Happy. I was happy, finally. I knew I must be dead if I could feel happiness again and that I must be reuniting with my family soon. After floating in the black abyss for what felt like too long I noticed a white light coming in from the right side of my vision. It got bigger and brighter and overwhelmed the black abyss I was in. Suddely, I was standing in a prairie. Tall waves of grass swayed in the breeze. It looked like a sea of the softest feathers. The sky, however, was grey. I could see streaks of bright blue, like a clear blue sky was trying to break through, but the gray clouds kept the sunshine out. In a funny way I could relate. My flame was almost extinguished but not quite. Embers of my soul stirred ever so often and then I noticed it. Well, I should say her. It was a beautiful silver and copper marbled wolf. Her eyes a bright sapphire, and she was the biggest wolf I had ever seen! She looked at me and rolled over on her back. I walked over to her and sat down in the waves of grass. Our wolves never spoke to us, our bonds were unspoken as we were one. However, as werewolves, we could still silently communicate in our own ways with our wolves. I could feel her pledge to me to always be one with me and help me whenever she could. And I made the same promise in my own heart. Our bond being sewn together, I leaned in and touched my forehead with her. She whimpered and broke free to look behind me. I turned and saw a woman.

The woman motioned for me to join her so I obliged, though I did not want to leave my wolf. I mean we had just met and formed our sacred bond. I wanted to deepen that bond any way I could! The deeper we were bound with our wolves, the more powerful we became in werewolf form.

"Cassia," the woman began.

"Hello?" I answered her.

"I have come to give you a choice, pup," She continued on, her voice like velvet on my ears.

I waited for her to finish.

"You can either go back, or go forward."

"I'm sorry?" What the f**k did that mean? I wondered silently to myself.

"It means," she continued on. s**t! Could she hear my thoughts?

"That you can either go back to your life and fulfill your destiny or you can quit and move on. What will it be, pup?" She gently pressed me.

I took time to think for a moment. Here I was, being given a choice to go live my hell of a life or be reunited with my family in the afterlife. The offer of being reunited with my family was tempting, I do admit. I almost chose it.

But my father never raised a quitter, and I couldn't bring myself to disappoint him now and not finish what the Moon Goddess had set out for me to do in life.

I finally answered her.

"I choose to go back." and with that the prairie disappeared, and I was sucked out in a funnel before I even got to say goodbyes to my wolf. Before I could lament on that I heard loud monotonous beeping, and as I opened my eyes, bright white light flooded my vision causing my eyes to blink rapidly to adjust.

"Cassia?" I heard a sweetly familiar voice pulling me further into consciousness.