Raven the loner and the beautiful stranger.

New Identity

With the new identity I began to live my life like a new person, a born again person, I had a purpose now, a new direction. I was now a child of God, my way of doing things had changed, I knew what my squad was supposed to look like.

I had a way forward, and I had to live a clean life, a pure life. I knew it was impossible to be perfect but I had to at least try.

So I distanced myself from anything that was against God's will. I chose my friends wisely and told them about how God had changed my life.

He had transformed my life in such a way that I didn't care who liked me or didn't like me, God's love for me was all that mattered at that moment and time.

I'd make sure not to miss church, and I also read my Bible a lot, way more than I read my books, I would even read it at school during lunch time.

So it happened as time went by that I developed a crush for someone from our church, I like the way he carried himself and was always kind, but that was a sin because according to everything they had thought me at change, I wasn't supposed to look at anyone with those kinds of desires.

So I fought with my feelings, I couldn't afford to have such sinful thoughts about my church mate. But I couldn't get over it and so I took the second option to confess to a church elder so they could pray with me and advise me on how to deal with the situation, one of the things I was told to do was to keep my distance from him. That wasn't difficult at all and soon those feelings were gone..

Even though I felt like the church elders were keeping an eye on me.

The story of my life continued and I was a devoted child of God, I loved this new identity I finally had a father (God) who loved me unconditionally.

I loved how God answered my prayers and filled me up with his Holy spirit, what could've been better than that? As they say life is a journey with a lot of ups and downs and we never stop learning in life, it is a teacher on its own. Some days are dark and lonely, but some are bright and full of love /joy.

I still hadn't forgotten my goal to make a name for myself. I worked hard and continued to get good grades at school.

But one thing I had not realized was that I never moved on from my past, I just buried it. I was now very discreet about my life, I had built walls and made it a point that those around me couldn't read me or see through me.

I let it sink in my thick skull that no one cared about me, they all wanted to use me for their own benefits and every time I was hurt or disappointed I became more aloof and walls grew even thicker, no one could understand me nor read my emotions. I always had a blank expression that was covered by a fake smile every time I had to socialize or deal with people.

I kept all my problems and worries to myself, they had hurt me beyond repair and I refused to let history repeat itself. It was my fault I let them hurt from the very beginning of it all, I felt guilty of helping them this whole bullying thing.

Now I was strong, well at least I felt strong enough to take on the whole world, no one had access to me unless it was granted to them, by me of course. After all they had done enough damage already.

I became my own shoulder to cry on, my own very true best friend.

Time for sulking was over, I had take charge of my life and say no to being bullied, I was young. Unlike all the other girls, I knew how to stand my ground and say no to anything that went against my beliefs.

I remember how some of my classmates would open up to me about their deepest secrets and problems they faced at home.

I think it's because I never judged them, I knew how to listen and give the best advice, because sometimes all you need is to be heard and that's all.

My biggest mistake was I never dealt with my own skeletons, I just buried and found comfort in reading the word of God, it was my greatest support system.

I liked how my peers considered me to be the voice of reason, they trusted me, and I must say I was worthy of their trust even though I did not feel like it at that time and moment.

I was good at keeping their secrets after all I had done the same with my own skeletons, I kept them a secret.

Being a child of God was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I also started my own extra classes after school for free, I loved helping others it made me feel purposeful and important in other people's lives.

And it also helped me improve my presenting skills, as I would stand in front of a group of learners trying to make them understand certain things they couldn't understand in class..

Life was good, I was a straight A student, a child of God and a place of comfort to others.

But I had no one to confide in, I was slowly but surely running out of energy, my own skeletons needed to be dealt with but I kept them in a place where the sun does not shine.

I couldn't afford to lose control, I had come to far to let the past ruin it all for.

I passed my 8th grade with flying colors and I was happy, but I felt it was never enough for my family. They thought I could have done much better than I did, to them it was always a matter of not studying enough, fooling around with boys but because I was good at brushing things off, I did just that and carried on with my life, after all life goes on.

I thought I had it all figured out, I chose not to deal with my skeletons and just buried, it was better than reliving the past.

My 9th grade was a breath of fresh air, I passed all the terms like I was born to pass.

I would help my classmates with their homework after school, then when I got home I would do mine and study because I had a goal to make a name for myself.

I would also help my little cousin with his homework too, I was very good at multitasking.

A majority of learners from my school knew about, I don't know how that made me feel considering I hated being the center of attention.

Some hated me, and they couldn't even pretend to like me.

My insecurities were still there but they were buried too with rest of my skeletons or maybe they weren't buried I just wasn't aware of their presence., it become part of me to be insecure. I always chose to wear loose clothes that didn't show much of my body shape.

My big belly was hidden underneath my loose jersey and tunic, my tunic was long enough to hide my knock-knees.

And my oil skin was taken care of by a certain powder that sometimes made me look like I just dipped my face in a bucket of flour and my classmates would laugh at me behind my back.

Not because they couldn't face me but they just didn't want to offend me or perhaps they feared I might refuse to help them with their school work if they told me.

But I didn't really care what they thought about me, why was it even their problem that I overdid the face puffing?..

With my title as a child of God we started a prayer group at school with some of my church mates who went to the same school as me.

We would go behind the classes during break time to pray and read the word of God then head back to class afterwards, some learners would randomly join us and it was a fun experience.

I loved everything that had to do with God. I became friends with my desk mate because the girl who had been my best friend the previous year had changed schools..

9th grade wasn't bad at all.. But..

" And things are not always okay but even from rock bottom I can still see the sky, I can still see the stars" __Michelle K.