Raven the loner and the beautiful stranger.

_let me take you through the journey of my life. Many thought I was a distant person, but that was not the case, I've always been a loner or an introvert as many would say. Not because I chose to be one but rejection lead me to it. I wasn't only rejected by my peers at school but even by my friends and family especially my cousins who were the same age as me, they always treated me like I was a nobody, an outsider who didn't deserve to be in the same family as them, like I didn't belong until I felt a sense of unbelonging. I've always been the ugly kid whom no one wanted to associate themselves with,I wasn't only the ugly, improperly shaped kid but I was also the clumsy and untidy one. They only kept me around because of my intelligence, I'd even write they're assignments for.. You must be thinking what a fool I was, but that was my way of trying to get acceptance.When it came to academics, I wasn't a straight A kind of student but I was very good at my books. And one more thing that made me get their attention was my sense of humor, I had a great sense of humor so that's how I'd get their attention sometimes. I was the type of girl no boy wanted to date or be seen with, I think it's because I was always dirty and improperly dressed. No one really cared about me or how I looked so I decided to hide behind bigger clothes and avoided anything that would bring me their attention. Not I didn't long for their attention but it always ended with me being the laughing stock. I looked like a granny most of the time and they always gave me the role of a granny whenever we were playing dolls. I'd accept it with great excitement because it was the only way I'd be part of them and play with them. My childhood wasn't all roses and sunshine, considering how I wad always asolated and reminded of being the 'daughter of a deceased man ', trust me it is as harsh as it sounds. I never understood what was my fault in all of it, but I continued trying to gain favor in their eyes, I even resorted into being their errand girl just so they could accept me. I was no longer living for myself, but I was now living to impress those around me because clearly my good grades weren't good enough to impress them. As a result I grew up with a lot of insecurities, lack of confidence and a low self-esteem. I tried to change myself so I could fit in but it never worked In my favor, instead the joke would be on me once again. They'd refer to me whenever making an example of someone they'd rather die than to be in a relationship with or even be friends with. So I let it sink in that I was never good enough, that I was ugly, fat and most definitely disgusting (because of the funny faces they'd make whenever they crossed paths with) or maybe I was stinking too. I decided to focus on my books and forget about them even though It wasn't easy but something told me I needed to make a name for myself, to become something great in life so I wouldn't have to depend on anyone in the future. Many nights I cried myself to sleep, I had a lot of anger. Why wae I the only one who got treated that way? Was I that ugly that even my own family couldn't sympathize with me? Maybe that's why my papa left a few months after I was born, maybe he couldn't stand me as his first born child. Those were the thoughts that ran through my mind almost every day but I brushed them off and decided I would work hard, make lots of money, buy make up for myself so I could hide all the ugliness and maybe they'll learn to love me. I knew I was making the right choices but I didn't know that my reasons were wrong. I wanted to prove a point to my haters that even ugly people can become successful. I continued to live my life as a people pleaser after that's all I was.. Ohh and I wasn't only bullied at home but even at school too, in our neighborhood too.. I remember when I almost got paralyzed, the cause was unknown but my left knee had shifted and I ended up with knock- knees. It added more heat to the bullying, they'd refer to me as the cripple now I looked like a real grandma with all the limping,especially after school I had to limp until I reached the taxi rank which was a few meters away.. Some would push me just so I could fall and watch me struggle to get back on my feet. Not even the teachers came into my aid, they watched it all happen right in front of their eyes. But I didn't blame the teachers nor did I blame the bullies. I took the blame for it all. I shouldn't have been ugly, I shouldn't have allowed myself to limp maybe going to school was a bad idea. But I had a goal to make a name for myself, so quiting school was out of the picture. I never realized how much I emotional damage the bullying caused me, I didn't even see any of it as bullying, I just saw it as bad luck or maybe as a curse. The misery continued until I left Junior school and it was time for high school which I wasn't ready for. Sleeping had become a serious issue in my life, at first it was just a phase, but as time went by It got worse especially with all the stress I had from being bullied and the stress of how my high school life would be. I'd cry myself to sleep my heart ached a lot from everything I had been through the previous years, I suffered a lot, in silent. Did I mention that my mom owned a tarven where we lived before I moved to my grandma's place then later moved to my aunt's place in the city to get enrolled in a high school. So I was exposed to a lot of ish at a very young age. At some point I even got sexually harassed, but it never got to the point of me being r***d. I'd see people getting stabbed in broad daylight, I remember I saw one and her throat was slit, I could see blood coming out of her throat but I couldn't do anything I wanted to help, I was afraid she'd die right in front of me. At times my mom would get arrested and then we'd be left alone with some old man who used to stay in the back room. But she never stayed the night, she'd come back during the night, safe and sound. I never thought much about it, I'd be grateful she came home in one piece. That's the only thing that mattered to me, I never really about it's impact on my mental health, I was a kid for heavens sake.! I continued to live my life hoping for the better until I moved to my grandma's place, which was a nightmare on it's own because that's where the bullying started. While at my grandma's I'd randomly pick up her Bible and read it even though I didn't understand many of the things written in it but there was something about it that gave me hope, a sense of belonging and some peace of mind. Moving to the city was a huge transition, I was leaving everything behind not there was anything special about what I was leaving behind, actually I felt relieved that I was leaving the bullies behind. I thought I'd come back after I had made it in life and rub it in their faces that their toxic behavior towards couldn't stop me, that their hatred fueled me to become the best version of myself. But who was I kidding, I might have left them behind but the insecurities, lack of confidence and the low self-esteem followed me to the city. I felt their heaviness on my shoulders, but now they had new companions anxiety and fear these two were the strongest. They whisper in my ears 'how sure are you that the bullying won't continue in the city'.. 'you're ugly and the ugliest compared to the city kids'.. 'they're are much better than you'.. Like Sarah Jakes Roberts once said "sometimes your greatest enemy is in between your ears, it's what you tell yourself, all the negative things you whisper to yourself". These voices kept going especially when I passed by a group of people 'they're laughing at' one voice would say, I was a nervous wreck who felt like running whenever she was in a crowded place. I used to wonder if the city kids saw the ugliness too, would they accept me for who I am? Or I had to change myself to be able to fit in? Maybe I made the wrong decision, I shouldn't have come to the city, maybe my mom was right I should have moved back home with her, but how would I live there when I felt like a stranger in my own home? How was I going to make a name for myself if I was such a nervous wreck? Now I had to figure out my next move without taking my eyes off the main goal which was to make a name for myself. Maybe being bullied in a foreign city was much better than being a stranger in your own home, I wouldn't have been able to survive that. So I took a leap of faith and tried out the city life, but unfortunately we lived in a township, a small township with a lot of scandals and toxic people, how wad I going to improve my life in such a place? How was I going to make a name for myself?what would be my next move? First I had to settle in, be lowkey, no more forcing friendships and trying to fit in. After I all I had failed in doing that the previous years and I was to insecure to compete with the township, I come from the rurals. So instead of trying to blend in with the crowd, I'd just be as low key as possible even if it meant being invisible to the majority, at school I'd be the corner kid who never raises a hand in class. The aim was to be completely invisible to the world. Well I managed to do that in my 8th grade but I was too smart for that, I got good grades and they made the noise and soon the class knew about me. I got straight As in mathematics and other subjects, not all of them though. Most learners would come to me for help, history was repeating itself but I was too busy to care about any of that, at least they didn't bully me. I also got attention from boys which was new to me, but I kept my distance because my granny had warned me about boys who'd try to be friends with just to get in my pants. I couldn't afford to get distracted, I had a goal to make a name for myself and I wasn't taking my focus off of that, all this while I had no idea I was already in loner introvert mode. But I avoided having friends, I feared rejection and so didn't try to make friends. One of the things that changed my life for the better, I was finally introduced to the man I had been reading about in my grandma's Bible, God. My aunt took me to church, I received and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior, so he became my hiding place, an escape from all the misery that haunted me every night. I was finally free and happy. It was fun, we'd attend church even in weekdays, after school I'd rush home so I wouldn't be late for the 5pm service at church. I met other young people who loved God, they didn't judge nor criticize me, they accepted me for who I was. My aunt would also give me pocket money every morning when I went to school which was something new to me. So I wasn't eating the school food anymore and I'd buy some snacks during lunch break, I also became friends with my desk mate, the friendship was good, she was genuine and she accepted me for who I was.. I wasn't born a loner, life taught me to be one... I became fond of Solitude, only a few had access to me. The clumsiness was got, I was no longer untidy, I did really care how I looked anymore as long as I was clean and up-to-date. I preferred sitting alone in a corner than to be in a crowded place. I felt more lonely around people than I was in my own space. Life had taught to find peace and joy my own company. I had no interest in the complications that came with being in some sort of a squad. I carried myself in a respective manner and it actually lead to others respecting me. I loved solo walks on a quiet road, I loved poetry and I actually wrote about everything even the way I felt about certain things. I now knew that I had it in me to become the best version of myself. It was like the I had forgotten about my previous life. I didn't want to be known or recognized by the world. I avoided anything that would make me the center of attention. But I still felt a certain void in the depths of my heart, I was happy but not completely happy. My desk mate became the best friend I could ever ask for. She was smart and so was I, so there was no competition between us. I wasn't much of a talker nor was she.. Sometimes we'd sit in comfortable silence. I realized that maybe all I needed was to start afresh in a new city where no one knew me me or my past. I'd still wonder if they would treat me differently if they knew my past, maybe they would have reminded me of who I was before high school, but thankfully none of them knew me. I remember how I'd randomly cry because I woke up sad for no reason at all, my aunt thought it was because I missed home, but that was not the case, I still felt ugly and unwanted. Their insults were still fresh in my ears. I wanted to know why? Why was I bullied? Why was it it still following me? Why did it still hurt? I had a lot of unanswered questions and I couldn't just move on from my past. At times I'd be awfully quiet which got my friend concerned but It was too loud in my head that it kept me zoned out most of the time. I was like the depressed kid, who doesn't smile often, but always smiles when talking to other people. They'd refer to me as the sweetest one, if you ask me it was weird considering I was always bullied in Junior school and no one saw anything good in me. But I was happy someone finally saw something good in me. Even though something always discouraged, I mean what if they saw the ugliness but didn't want to offend me since they needed me to help them whenever they struggled with their school work. So I needed to be careful and not get too comfortable, incase they change their mind about me. I wasn't strong enough to face anymore rejections in my life, even with my new best friend I always left space for disappointment, after all she was way too beautiful to be my friend. Maybe she just did it out of pity, you know. Even at this point and time I still didn't realize how much damage the bullying did to me, but I was always on panic mode. The teachers loved me though as I I was the most respectful one and my school work was always up to date. One thing I loved about my new life, I felt a little sense of belonging, I didn't feel the need to impress anyone anymore, if you had a problem with me, you had to deal with it. I didn't seek any validation from anyone, but I knew something big was coming and I had to prepare myself for the future. One thing I had learned was that in life nothing lasts forever, one minute you're happy the next you are sad. What was in store for me in the future? Maybe I was stressing way too much, but that's what life thought me to always be on the guard in case things take a turn for the worst. What would I do if my fears were to come through? Would I be able to survive if they changed their minds and started pointing out my insecurities too? Would I ever be happy? Or get over all I went in my previous life? Yes I did cut all ties with my former school mates, but all they did to me was still following me. I should have cut ties with the memories too, but how would I do that? Is it even possible to completely erase memories? Unfortunately, a bigger storm was still coming.. Would Raven be able to survive it? I had a new identity now, aside from being a loner /introvert I was a child of God... Stay tuned for the next episode. ?