What If's (Short stories of real people with real emotions)

Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pagsosolve ng madugong math problem ng maramdaman kong tila may nakatitig sa akin. Inangat ko ang aking mata at iginala sa aking paligid nang magtama ang aming mga mata. Nahihiyang nagbaba ako ng mata at ibinalik sa math problem ang aking atensyon. 'Baka coincidence lang' sabi ko sa aking sarili to dismis the fact that my heart raced a little. Ipinagkibit balikat ko na iyon at nagpokus sa klase Sampung minuto nalang bago matapus ang klase when I felt it again. I looked around and caught him looking at me. This time he smiled when our eyes met. I blinked twice to make sure I am seeing it right. Could it be na tinitingnan talaga nya ako? Me? A not so ugly but not so pretty girl, in short average. And him a perfect male specimen, at least for me he looks perfect. But heck, is he really smilling at me. After few moments of contemplating I smiled back. And that was my first mistake. Things kinda accelerated fast after that. We exchanged numbers, added each other in f*******:. We were in almost the same class since we were taking the same course. It became obvious to our friends and classmates that we liked each other since we were inseperable, well maliban nalang pag naglalaro sila ng DoTA. Our professors would even tease us by calling me by his last name. We would study together, spend vacant times together. Minsan hinahatid sundo nya ako. He has his own wheels which is not very common for the students in that State College we were attending. We haven't officially said our I Love You's yet but I knew we were in the same page. I can feel it with the way he looks at me and I made sure I showed him what I felt as well. We stayed like that for the next few weeks, months and honestly I was content. There was never a need to say I love you cause our actions already spoke volumes of how we felt for each other. I was happy and content. And that was my second mistake. I felt so content that I never felt the need to make us official. I regret that later when I realized labels are important for the battle I am about to enter. It started when I received a text message from a random number. The girl who texted me introduced herself as his past girlfriend for 3 yrs. She said they broke up before the school started and now they would like to reconcile but I am in their way so she wants me to back down since were not officially a couple yet. Fudge, the audacity of this girl! I asked her how she got my number and she said AJ gave it to him. Ouch! That broke me but I refused to back down. After all I gotta have a little faith right? So I replied casually and said that if AJ really wants to get back with her, he doesn't need my permission to do that. I told her that if she really wants him back, she shouldn't be texting me cause that's only making her look pathetic. The pathetic word must've triggered her and she went nuts. Telling me AJ was with him last night and they were doing intimate things. She even went on a said AJ is pitying me and is feeling guilty. For that I replied "Oh really? Fine, I'll ask him later after class" and turned off my phone and tried to calm myself. I held back my tears cause I refused to look pathetic in front of my friends. Class was about to begin and I saw AJ entered the classroom. With a smile on his face he went straight to my direction. I didn't smile back, and he already knew something is wrong cause he silently sat down next to me without a word. The class dragged on for what felt like forever. His elbow was on my arm rest and I can see from the corner of my eye that he was glancing at me every now and then. I maintained a straight face void of any emotion. When class is over, I immediately fixed my things and got up to leave but he stopped me asking me whats wrong. I gave him the coldest stare I could manage. "Let's talk" I turned around to leave. We found ourselves in an empty classroom. Without a word I showed him the text saying they were intimate last night. I saw him stiffened, then guiltily lowered down his head. For the first time I silently cried in front of him. He was about to say something when I stopped him and left. That was my third mistake. Not letting him explain. Not giving him a chance. But whats a girl to do? Not only my heart but also my pride was hurt. I treated him coldly after that. I stayed away as much as possible. Often times I would still catch him looking at me from a far with a sad look in his eyes. I knew that look, he misses me as much as I miss him. Often times I see him struggle to be near me and I would always pleadingly look at him shaking my head. That went on for two weeks when I received another message. It was from the girl and she was asking for my help. She thanked me for giving away but she also wants my help. F*ck! I don't know what she's playing at and I am starting to get pissed. She said she got back with AJ but he is no longer the same. She said he's always not in the mood, they would always argue over little things and she thinks its because of me. Since I have been ignoring him at school. The nerve of this people! What do they expect me to do? Celebrate their relationship? I said it has nothing to with me and asked her to stop texting me. Suddenly my phone rang and it was her calling me! I answered politely and I heard her crying in agony. She told me she really loves AJ and she can't live without him. She said sorry for the way she treated me and admits that she was the one who made the move to get back with him. I told her I forgive her but AJ's cold attitude has nothing to do with me. She then went on and said AJ's must have cared for me deeply and is now having a hard time because of his guilt. She asked me if I could talk to AJ and convince him to work things out with her. I don't know what came over me but I said okay, I'll try. That was my fourth mistake. "Lets talk." I saw his face lit up and hurriedly followed me in an empty classroom. We sat opposite of each other so I can clearly see his face. "She messaged me again." That's all I said and he immediately started saying how sorry he was for keeping things from me. He explained how she reached out to him again few month after she broke up with him. He told me he was only confused cause he felt familliar with her. He admitted that he still loves her but went on and said he loves me more. He was crying at this point and my heart cried with him. He said since I became distant with him he tried to work it out with her but she always find himself thinking about me. He said he was hurt that I didn't let him explain and how I easily gave up on him, on us. I cried with him. He asked me why it was so easy for me to let him go and I couldn't answer. He said he will break up with her and asked me for another chance. I looked at him and nodded. "Okay, lets try this again." I tearfully said. "But you have to properly end things with her this time." I added remembering the reason why I talked to him again. He said he will call her later but I said you have to talk to her personally for the last time. It's rude to break up over the phone. He refused at first cause he knew it won't end up nicely if they talk in person. But I insisted and said it's only proper. And that was my fifth mistake. For the next few weeks everything was finally back to normal. Somehow its working out between me and AJ. I was happy though not completely cause I know that girl is hurting. But there's nothing I can do about her pain cause I already gave way to her but it didn't work out. It has nothing to do with me anymore. Or so I thought. "I'm pregnant." Those two words came to me like a bomb. It shattered me to pieces. I was pretty sure I stopped breathing and I wished I did. My vission got blurred and I realized I was crying silent tears. AJ suddenly showed up in front of me with a somber look in his face. He already knows too... Months passed. Second semester started. AJ and I parted ways. He doesn't want to at first but I gave him no choice. Its no longer just me and him and the girl, a baby is involved. And I am not getting in the way of the baby having a complete family. Yes, a family. So I distanced myself further this time, flirted my way around a classmate who had a crush on me, dated a senior at school. Showed him he doesn't mean anything to me anymore. Through a friend I kept tabs on them. They appeared to be doing just fine. Wow, AJ is going to be a dad soon. And again, I broke down in tears It was raining. We were out practicing for our PE class field demonstration somewhere in the town proper and its already 9pm. The boarding house I'm staying at is about 20 mins away on a tricycle. I was a bit worried getting on a tricycle by myself since my boarding house is in a remote bario and road was not lit. I have an alternative route which was to ride a boat and cross the river from the port but it's raining and the river is wider due to the high tide. I started to ask around if any of my classmate was headed to the same direction and if we can share the ride. Unfortunately for me no one was headed in that area. I had no choice. I have to go home. I boarded and tryc and gave instructions to the driver when AJ shooed me in and sat with me inside the tryc. It was a silent ride home. That's the closest we had been for the past few months. I wanted to ask him how's he doing, he seemed to have lost some weight. But I kept my mouth shut. I was suddenly reminded of how happy we were and didn't realize I was crying. He held my hand softly and pulled me in to his shoulders and cried with me. We stayed like that until it was time for me to get off. We looked into each other in the eye, he smiled sadly and I smiled back. He was reluctant to let go of my hand. His eyes where a mirror of mine. He's hurting. He's longing for me the way I longed for him. He slowly let go of my hand and turned around. I saw him board the tryc again back to the town proper, back to his pregnant girlfriend. And I knew in my heart that that was our goodbye. I cried the whole night for myself and for him. If only I didn't let him meet with her for the last time. Or maybe if I went with him when they met, we couldve avoided this situation. A lot of if only's and what if's ran through my mind. I blamed myself for the pain that's reflecting in his eyes and mine. It was all my fault... Another month passed and the semester is over. I packed my bags and said goodbye to my friends. I have decided. I am not enrolling the following year. I have decided to transfer to Manila and to work at the same time. I need to put some distance between me and them. Not only because it still hurts but also cause I do not trust myself with him around the campus. My feeling for him intensified during those long nights of thinking of the would have's and could have's and I knew that if I stayed, I might make another mistake that we both cannot handle nor fix. It's time to put an end to our story and to do that I need to be as far away as I can. This is the end.. I told my self repeatedly, trying convince myself. And I did convinced myself. It was the end of our story. Or so I thought....