What About Me?

I could do it. I would too, especially if I didn't fear what would happen if I did. Sadness, pain, regret. These are not feelings you want to associate with someone you love. Unfortunately, we all have them. Some are more extensive than others. The torment of the mind plays tricks on us. How can we determine what to act upon and what to discard? How do we deduce the reasoning for what we are feeling? My name is Marni. I don't know about you, but I'm not happy with my life. I have friends. I mean a LOT of friends. Everyone loves me, but I don't really feel the same towards everyone else. Is that wrong? Maybe. Don't get me wrong, I have empathy and I feel for people. I'm just kind of numb to what you SHOULD feel. What made me this way? Who knows? I survive my life and take it day by day. I don't really feel like I'm living. Maybe one day that will change. I have 2 sisters and a brother. Yes, my selfish ass has siblings. Go figure. I love my siblings like no one's business, but I still feel a weird detachment towards them. Before you ask, NO, we are not adopted. We all have the same mother and father, although my youngest sister is questionable (haaa haaa). Let's start with the first memory I have had. I was two. I don't remember falling down the stairs, but apparently I did. I DO remember being placed in a restraint that looked like an ironing board. (I could be wrong, but as a child, this is what it looked like). I remember breaking out of the restraint, and it took a total of 6 people (doctors, nurses?) to hold me down so they could stitch my head closed. I remember being traumatized. It still looks like a movie reel to me today. Like it happened to someone else and not me. Yes, I still have the scar to this day. I don't really remember anything else that happened until I turned 5. When I was 5, I broke my nose. Basically, I shattered the bridge of my nose, and it needed to be repaired. How does this happen? Well, it was due to us playing a game of side and seek. Yes, it was in the back bedrooms, where we were not allowed to play. We had friends of the family visiting and we were all playing in the bedrooms where we were NOT supposed to be playing. OK... what kids actually listen to their parents? Anyway, I was afraid of the dark, and ran through the rooms. One of the kids we were playing with grabbed my ankle and I fell. Right. On. My. Face. That hurt like no one's business. I cried, of course, like little kids do. Cut me a break. I was 5. I remember going to the hospital, and needing them to set and place stuff in my nose. My nose is still crooked to this day. Well, maybe not crooked, but it definitely is not even... I remember being 7 or 8 and liking a boy in school. He called me for the homework assignment and I like him so much, I didn't want to give it to him. I asked him to kiss me for the homework assignment. ( I had no shame). He was upset and just wanted the assignment. I don't know how my dad found out, but he was so upset. He asked me why, and I honestly couldn't answer him why I did that. That was the first time my dad was really upset with me. I guess being so young and wanting attention from a boy is upsetting. Moving on, I turned 9 and the only thing I remember is my dad passing away. It was such a dark time for our family. My mom asked my father not to go to work, but of course he needed to go to provide for his family. He never came home. The reasons are sketchy as to why he passed, but we are not going to go into that. It makes me wonder if the way I am is due to my dad passing? I mean, I was raised by my mom and she is the most amazing woman you would ever know. She is loving and caring and went through a really hard time when my dad passed away. There are so many things that I don't remember, but I question what they were. That is another story or a different chapter. We had a really hard time after my dad passed away. We moved to different places. I didn't actually feel settled until I was in my 40's. Yes, it's been that long. (For another day!) My mom tried to stay at her sister's place, my aunt, but according to my mom, she didn't want us there due to her starting her life with her husband. She already had a son and didn't want my mom there with my brother, but me and my sisters can stay. That didn't last long. We then moved in with family friends. We grew up with adults as aunt and uncle and the children like cousins. We loved them like our own blood. Unfortunately, I felt like I was the only one that was picked on. It was by the middle son. He LOVED torturing me. He always used my dad's death, saying it was because of me he died. He had his own bed, but made sure to sleep where he needed to because it was HIS house. He could sleep where he wanted. I never gave a fight. I always wanted peace, UNTIL I couldn't take it anymore. I remember one day he followed me to the library near his house. I wanted some peace and quiet. (in case you didn't know, I was a nerd), I remember him tripping me and making a scene, but I got in trouble with the librarian. I was so embarrassed. I needed to be free of the torture, and I went home, and wanted to cry. My mom, who is amazing, by the way, saw how much I was suffering. My mom has always taught us that fighting was never the answer. That day though, she was home and called me over to her. I was terrified, thinking I was in trouble. She actually grabbed the chain I was wearing, took it off of me and said, Go ahead! What? I had permission?!?! Side note, I do NOT like to fight. This is something that I needed to do for myself. I have to be honest, I don't remember much. I black out. I remember him jumping like a maniac when I broke his chain. This was a chain that was quite thick and he wore it every day. I don't remember breaking it. I blacked out. After the fact, I was told that I beat his ass, and he was bunched up in the corner crying because I was wailing at him and didn't let up. I personally don't remember that. All I know is that after this happened, he didn't bother me again. Maybe it was because his mother hit him for hitting a girl? I don't know. All I know is he didn't bother me again. Next thing I knew, we moved to a different place. It was not big, but it was a place where we lived with no one we knew. I actually loved that house. The house itself was a huge house. It had a wrap-around porch and had many different apartments in the building. We had an apartment that had a kitchen, bathroom and back room which doubled as a living room/bedroom. Being a kid, I was embarrassed at not having such huge accommodations. As an adult now, I am completely grateful for everything I have had. You realize everything you have as an adult that you may have taken for granted as a child. We lived there until I was about sixteen. I have to say I was quite rebellious as a teenager. My mom being a single parent was very hard on me. I was not sympathetic about it being hard on her. I was and am kinda selfish to this day. I had a boyfriend when I was 15. He told me he was 17, but in reality he was 23! I didn't find out until I was moving and he had already taken my virginity. How was I to know he was a kind of pedophile? I lost my virginity to him, but I was a child of rebellion. I had oral s*x with someone else. I didn't give, but received oral s*x. I was 15? I don't really remember. I remember after I moved that my boyfriend called me a "virgin w***e". HOW could I be a w***e, when I gave him my virginity? How did I know what different s*x there was? I found out he knew about my shenanigans from a friend that was supposed to be a friend. I used to be upset with her, but honestly, I am not. We were all young, and I should have known better. Being young and inexperienced does not excuse me from being not careful with myself. As I got older, I realized what power I had to be sexy and innocent. I am not saying I knew it at the time. I am saying now, as a mature woman, I had the power and didn't use it to my full advantage. I am bringing myself into an older woman. Here we are, in my 20's and ready for the world... or so I thought.