Blue Eyes I First Saw

Chapter 5

“. . . Three.” 

“No!” a voice echoed the whole rainforest that made me anxious. Is there someone who's watching me?

My eyes immediately roam around the place of darkness thinking there is someone. The place looks how it looked moments ago. Calm, dark, and . . .creepy— I just found out the creepiness now.

Slowly, I pulled the rope out of my neck and surveyed more around. There's no one near or even far from me, no shadows or silhouettes or anything that a living thing has. I don't believe in ghosts, but I'm scared of them. 

Surely, there's no ghost or living thing in here. Am I hallucinating? Or is this the world speaking for me to stop— the world really is against my plan. 

Zyosei, you got to grip your thoughts. There's no one in here, if there is, they just have some kind of same thoughts as you. People who went here are suicidal or just some tourists who find the place a spot to roam.

I sighed and held the rope firmly. Closing my eyes, I think of so many thoughts again. My parents, Faya, Kaizo, My grandparents, the future, everything. 

With my eyes closed and trembling hands, I slowly lift my hands ready to put it on my neck once more.

My thoughts ran wild again as the tears carved my cheeks for enumerable times that day. Putting the rope on my neck once more, I felt relieved and somewhat happy.

Happy that I'll be free from the cruel world. Happy that I can finally let myself decide without a care to anyone. 

I'll now let go of my fears. The fear of me being touched, being on the spot, being a failure, my fear of everything that shaped me into someone I am not. The fear of living is pointless.

After this, I won't need to fit into my family anymore. I'll be free and happy. No pain and negativity. 

“Don't do that.” a voice once again tried to stop me but I didn't bulge. I won't go back to that cage dressed like a house anymore. I won't let their words stab me. A hot shower won't be needed to ease all this. 

Then I heard with the same voice, “No, please. You'll regret it.” 

Why is he meddling? Who is he? I won't regret this. I won't. I won't?

A thought of possibilities rang on my little brain. What if Guki is right? No. No. No, my future would not make me happy. I have to deal with all of the pain around me in the future, it won't change.

“I— won't.” I answered with audible sobs. His cries and sobs are making me feel he was right and I am wrong. Who is he? A suicide savior? “I w— won't.” repeating it sounds like I addressed it to myself.

I won't regret this, will I? How will I know? I'm not living after this.

“You will, because I am.” he answered as if he had read my unsaid questions. “I knew, trust me . . .please.” His plea is painful. I might not see him because my eyes— somewhat my mind too -- are close, but I can feel the pain and regret in it.

“N— no. Go and don't bother me!” for once in my life that's my first time shouting because that's what I want. 

For once, let me decide for myself. “Leave me alone.” I started to cry that made my hands weak, letting the rope on my neck like a huge necklace on me. “Just g—go.”

“You're the one who still can go.” he answered back. I slowly opened my eyes directly from where the voice was coming from.

“No!” he shouted again, echoing in every inch of Aokigahara forest. “Don't open your eyes— yet.” he added. 

Shutting my eyes again, I know I saw a blur silhouette of a boy.

My suicidal thoughts slowly calmed down and got replaced by curiosity. My brows furrowed. “Why?” 

“Pull out the rope out of your neck.” he instructed me in a careful and gentle voice of his. It's soothing but I'm tired of obeying people.

“No.” I answered firmly. My palms are now wet because of sweats. Whoever I'm talking to, I'm nervous. I feel like whatever comes from his mouth will change something. “Leave me alone!” I shouted again. 

I can't make him change my decision. There's no way I'll leave this place in one piece and go back to hell. “Just please go.” My plea sounds like a whisper to me. My voice became weak and so was my body.

Break down. I feel weak due to emotional breakdown. 

I took a very deep breath and calmed myself. “Just go.” I commanded him once again.

“I won't leave you,” he promised.

A bittersweet smile crept on my lips, tears were able to form again even though my eyes were still closed tightly. 

Memories of my friendship with Faya invaded my whole being. 

‘Sei, we should start doing things together. We get along very well. You're a friend or more like a sister to me.’ She said that when we met in the library for the nth time looking for some books to read. I helped her find the book she's looking for.

‘Is there something wrong? You can tell me, Sei. I told you my problems, you can trust me.’ Faya assured me when I suffered a sudden emotional breakdown in the school comfort room. It was when the both of us didn't pass a quiz.

‘Promise me, Sei. You won't leave me, because I won't leave you. We are not sisters for nothing.’ she said that when we argued about her not showing up for our group study together. Yet, she's the one who left and pushed me away like she always does.

‘Don't talk to me.’ I can feel her madness and coldness when she said that to me with straight, unregretful eyes. It was the weekend and she came three hours late for our study session and I got welcomed by her facade.

I doubt if it really is a facade or the truth. She kept on treating me like that after the encounter.

“People tend to leave me.” I said truthfully. The saddest voice I had spoke for me. I'm letting myself lose in the woods. “I am actually leaving myself any minute from now.” logically speaking, it's true.

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