Blue Eyes I First Saw

Chapter 4

With a rush, I ran out of the train and walked up to the bus stop to ride one. Going to Narusawa via train buys a lot of time and money and thoughts. I can't elongate my misery and just wanted to hang myself. Taking a bus is the most convenient choice, it's cheap and an hour earlier than a train's travel. A three-hour ride will make my thoughts run wild.

A bus going to Narusawa, Yamanashi stopped and I hurriedly went in and settled myself on the farthest seat. 

My tears won't come; a smile didn't show up. I can't feel sadness nor happiness. From Sad Zyosei on the train, I feel just empty now.

I deserve to leave the surname of my parents, bearing their name made me waste it. Their last name doesn't suit me. Kanasimi are for someone who is as intelligent as my father. Someone who can perfect all of his or her tests. Or someone who reads a lot like my mother. 

They don't want a daughter from the very start. I saw their plans on the album placed in the house’s library. They want a son. A son and it's not me. I can't fulfil their plans and expectations. For them, I am just an unwanted obligation.

The trip to Narusawa feels like forever. My mood shifts randomly, I cried, I felt empty, I felt happy, I cried again feeling all the pain and the mood shifting went on. There's one thing I did not feel, regret. I don't and won't regret leaving and dying. Leaving my parents means freedom, and dying means there's no pain.

When the bus finally stopped, I got up and got out of it. At last I'm near my last moment. Feeling the cool fresh wind that caresses my face, I briskly walk on the road that will take me to Aokigahara forest.

I always admire the place. It has trees and the vibe is so relaxing— well, not today. All I feel and think is suicidal.

Walking briskly made me lose my track. I looked for my phone but remembered that I left it at my parent's house. All I bring with me are Japanese yen for the travel fairs.

I sighed and my thoughts drowned me once again. I can't leave. I can't die. Why does the world make me suffer even on my way of taking my life? Does the world contradict my plan? I don't hope so. Even my parents approved— well, non-verbatim, they allow me to go.

Then a bystander walked past me. I do hope he knows the way.

“Excuse me?” I got his attention and a creeptic smile plastered on his lips with worldly eyes as he looked at me— on my body particularly. I feel violated but I have to go ask, I'm dying, anyway. “Do you know the way to Aokigahara— uhm— forest?”

The man stepped closer to me and pointed a way that leads to the outskirts of the nearest mountain. I took a few steps back before glancing at what he pointed out. 

“I can accompany you.” he offered but I know enough about the next thing that will happen. I don't want to die violently like that. 

I stared at the road as I slowly stepped away from the man. He kept on staring at me, violating my right as a woman. He stares at me like I'm a prey and the wild predator— literally he is, and I'm as weak as a prey.

When the traffic light turns red, I hurriedly run and thank myself for wearing a sneaker. Hearing the man's grunt made me run more to the track. As the grunt became inaudible, I stopped to look back. The man did not follow me, so I sighed in relief and caught my breath. 

As I heave my deep breathing, my tears slowly cascade down my checks. Why does the world make my last moment harder? I just want to die and vanish and everything. I just want to make this pain go away. I just want to be happy. Why is my decision against the world? What did I do to deserve all of this? 

As if the world heard me, the cool wind of Narusawa blew that embraced my exposed skin, making me cry more. 

With my tears flowing, eyes that are now sore and puffy, running nose, I got up to do what I should do. I slowly found myself walking, eyes are on the way yet my mind is flying. 

Looking up to the side, there I saw the sign that I am at the entrance of Aokigahara forest. There are quotes that encourage someone to change their mind, but not me.

The entrance seems so peaceful— like the place I want to go. Huge and tall trees can be seen from where I'm standing. The darkness inside feels endless and ready to swallow anyone who enters. The silence is inviting. All of it is inviting me. For the first time, I feel welcome somewhere. 

A smile made it's way to my lips as if I see something amusing— it is. The tears continuously flow but I started walking to enter the forest.

As soon as I enter the forest. The calmness of it embraces me. The sound of dangling sounds of skeletons filled my ears, darkness swallowed me yet I managed to walk on the moist soil. I smell home. This is where I belong. This is where I should be. This is where I can find my happiness.

Kaizo will surely be curious about my absence tomorrow at Kokusai Koko. He is great yet I don't deserve his company and kindness. He's so happy for me to corrupt it with my negativity. He's so cheerful during my always gloomy days. Nonetheless, he can't do anything about it. I'll just be one of those missing people on the papers down the alleys of Tokyo.

Faya won't mind not having me in the class. She stopped caring for me when she distanced herself from me. I thought she'll stick by my side like what we promised before. I was wrong, she left me when things got harder. She left me without any reason why. She left me like a puppy waiting for it's owner. She left me and faced her challenges alone. Challenges that I can't conquer by myself. 

Guki might be curious about not having me tomorrow afternoon, but I know. She'll just assume that I finally went to a professional to seek help. Her thoughts of me will just vanish eventually due to her business. She studies a lot and it'll make her thoughts away from me. 

My parents. They will just think of me studying until dawn for not going home. A dinner without me is normal. Sometimes I don't dine with them at all so I don't regret it. I can hear their talks and laughter whenever I peek on the entrance of the dining room. They seem happy without me so I'm finally giving it to them.

My room— I will miss my room. It's the only thing I have that accompanies me to everything. From studying to death up to crying to death. The room of agony— as I call it.

The hot shower that always revives me. It makes me function in my plain miserable world.

The three bookshelves in my room are full of thick books. Making me realize that my only function in this world is to study. To please everyone with my grades. 

It's tiring. I don't know why I live anymore. It feels like I don't have a life of my own. Like a puppet or like a robot with unsaid thoughts and pain. I don't even know why I am still here, if I can end my life in the earlier years. Bottling all of my emotions is hard. Perhaps, this is the year where my bottle of pain is overflowing that made me wake up and find happiness. After all those years, here I am finally ready to turn my back on all the pain.

Goodbye to my maintaining grades, my maintaining posture, maintaining attitude. Goodbye to everyone, goodbye to my future, good bye to my past. I bid my farewell now to everyone who knows me, to everyone who met a side of me, to everyone who has seen me. Goodbye to everything.

I stopped from walking and just stood in the middle of darkness. I feel like I'm a part of it. The darkness inside me felt at home. 

Glancing around the rainforest, I saw a perfect tree nearby. It's one of the huge forest trees that has a rope tied on one of it's branches. The rope is perfectly tied in a loop that can occupy the head of someone like me— who is dying to hang herself. On the bottom are rotten clothes with some bones on it. 

There are a lot of remains in the forest. Some are dangling on the branches, some are lying on the moist soil. Some iron and metals are shattered— mirror, knives, razors, everything that can help someone die, maybe some use it to escape the pain like what I have in mind.

Deciding what to do, I climbed up the tree where a rope is tied. I may be physically weak but my determination made me eager on what to do. Climbing on the tree is hard, I heard numerous ripping sounds that came from my dress. 

Successfully, I am now on the branches. Pulling the rope is also hard. It's heavy and thick, like the ropes used on ships by marines. It's heavy and dirty but I know my thoughts will be forgotten once I finish my life.

Holding the heavy rope on my hands feels like a sin. I am fully aware that it is a sin to kill but I am also aware how pointlessly living my life is. I make sin everyday by lying to everyone, by pretending that being fine and doing well. By making myself believe that I can do everything they want me to do. I feel like my life is full of lies about being fine although it's far from that. 

The combination of all I am feeling is terrifying. What if my parents knew I was sick? Would they send me to some psychiatric institution? To some rehabilitation center? I don't want that, I am fine. What if they found out I don't want to follow their steps? Would they stop paying for my tuition? Are they going to send me to my grandparents? No, I can't let that happen. My grandparents aren't nice. They like domination and control of everything just like my parents but more of that. Their discipline accompanies verbal abuse and I can't take that.

I can't face the future. The future of being someone who always obliged and pretends to be fine. I can't do that anymore, I lived eighteen years being that kind of person— minus the years that my mind still does not work properly— my infant, toddler years. My future is terrifying. 

I also do not know myself. Yes, I'm a female, dresses and acts like one, stood 5'1 feet tall, pale and all, I know my name and such, but I don't know who I really am. My future course, career, plans in life, decisions for myself, everything. This is the first time I decided to myself and it is to take my life. How awful my life is.

Knowing someone might have a worse case than mine, here I am asking the world to just take me.

“Let's end this, Sei.” I spoke to myself and slowly placed the rope on my neck. More tears cascade down my cheeks. I just have to jump off this tree and that's it. 

I heaved a deep breath and counted. “One . . . T—two . . .” I sobbed.

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