Blue Eyes I First Saw

Chapter 3

“You'll take my advice, right?!” she said that loudly and with full of hope, while I'm unlocking my patrimonial house's gate.

“I'll think about it!” I weakly shouted and went straight to my room.

Shower. I need a hot shower. 

After soaking myself below the rinsing water. I pulled out some sleeping jackets and pants.

My thinking being went unconscious for a deep slumber. I hope my parents are busy tomorrow morning so I won't be able to see and hear them for breakfast. Their scolding is my early breakfast every weekend for so many years. I am already tired of hearing it.

Smashing the digital alarm clock with my hands. My eyes opened in irritation and tiredness. The clock says it's six in the morning but my mind says it's time to brace myself for my parent's dialogues. 

Tokyo, Tokyo, what would I do? 

Can I just leave Tokyo?

Of course, I'll leave Tokyo. The world rather.

Just endure a few more hours, Zyosei.

You'll end the pain soon.

I sighed and went to my bathroom.

Mr. and Mrs. Kanasimi's eyes flew to me as I sat in front of the two of them. It's frustrating, and like daggers full of pressure. 

“Let's eat.” Mr. Kanasimi— my father said. 

“Itadakimasu.” We said in unison to praise whoever works hard to prepare our food.

Picking my chopsticks, I busy myself on my Miso soup.

“What happened on your assessment?” and my genius-professor-father started his dialogues.

‘Didn't reach your expectation.’

“Good.” My tone is low and obviously uninterested while choosing another food that got my appetite to eat. Surely my appetite will vanish after they end their litanies.

My mother—Cata, placed my assessment paper on the table. “Your score is not good, Zyosei.” She stated what she thinks is obvious.

‘It's always not good for you.’

Having my— for them ‘low’ ratings paper on the table feels like I was born for it. Like I was born to just study and don't feel a thing.

“I told you to study so you can ace the assessment, or at least have a maximum mistake of one.” Hiko— my father's voice was low as he spoke.

‘I did study. I always do since I don't have a choice’ my mind argues but my mouth is shut into silence. And since when did one get the maximum title?

“You should be like our student.” my mom said nonchalantly like it's so easy for me to hear.

And here's the comparison between me— their own child, to some of their students at the university. Sure enough students at University of Tokyo— where they are teaching, are smart. So smart that it made me feel small. “Katu is a very bright man. He aced the exam, you should be like him.” The manly voice of Mr. Kanasimi made my appetite run away.

Katu. Their incredibly smart student who is one of the ten University of Tokyo scholars. My parents should adopt him. Seems like they prefer that someone to be their child instead of me.

“When we are at your age. We always ace it so you should too. You're our child, my family name is with you.” my dad said.

My mom seconded. “Indeed. Kanasimi's are known to be bright and hardworking.”

‘Can I at least finish my breakfast? I haven't eaten half of my servings.’ but then of course I was still silent and unable to talk while my thoughts were running wild.

Maybe I can just starve myself to death. There will be no pressure, comparison, disappointment, and anything accompanies to those after I met the death of me.

Whoever that Katu is, I wish I am you.

My parents continued their dialogue. Insensitive to my state giving me more reason to hang myself.

“Being smart is in our blood . . .”

Stop. I'm tired. I just want to eat.

“. . . We want you to follow and step on our achievements . . .”

Stop. Stop. I can't. I won't. I'm not you.

I stopped eating. It feels like my last supper though I am fully aware that it will be. I've had enough. I can't take this further.

Run. Hide. Escape. Disappear, Zyosei.

All the pressure is my rope. It chokes me well and makes me suffocate. The food in front is like a poison tempting me to eat it. The walls of our house feel like bars, caging me like a weak flappy bird. The air is suffocating and it makes me breath in a heavy manner.

“Dad, Mom, Can I go to Narusawa?” I still ask for permission. Kaizo's words about group studying embraced my thoughts. “We'll be having a subject discussion.” lies.

My Mom Cata flashed a smile on me. She always does when it comes to studying. “Of course you can.” she permitted me.

She permitted me to hang myself.

“Just make sure you go there to study, Zyosei.” my Dad Hiko strictly said.

I gulped. Did he know? Did he know that his only daughter wants to die?

“Of course. I'll study well— more.”

“Do more than great when it comes to studying, Zyosei.” my dad half-scolded but I just shrug it off and eat my breakfast as fast as I can. Sitting on a table feels like the Dean's office.

I went to my room after leaving my parents for dinner. Took a hot shower, scrubbed every corner of my skin, and washed my hair to its peak. Enjoying my last hot shower in my entire life.

I picked a beautiful combination of clothes today, I should look at least presentable on my last breath. A floral white dress that suits the spring season, thick stockings, white sneakers, and a white cardigan to match my dress. I can't go out of my room without any piece to cover my whole body.

My jet black hair is neatly braided, around my head like a crown. I'll look lovely unbreathing.

I gathered all my thoughts and sighs as I stared at myself before I went away. “You'll be free, Zyosei. The pain will vanish with you.

My sight became blurry as the tears started to form. This is my last cry but my parents are still in the house with me so I should stop myself from tearing up. I took a deep breath again and gathered all the courage I got before going downstairs.

My nostril welcomes the familiar smell of Lavender caused by the air freshener. Some people feel relaxed by the smell including my parents, but for me, it's the smell of my wake.

As usual, my Dad is sitting on the couch in front of the television, reading some newspaper. My mother is nowhere to be seen, probably in the kitchen, or elsewhere.

“Dad, I'll go now.” my voice nearly broke. This is my last glimpse and my goodbye to him. I received a nod from him without taking his eyes off the newspaper.

I tried to look for a glimpse in the kitchen and there was my mother. A lone tear escaped from my eyes as I saw her preparing food for our dinner or merienda, perhaps. She must be waiting for something in the oven while reading a book.

My tears started flowing endlessly once I closed the front gate. Seeing the two-storey modern house from the outside made me feel free. Free from pressure, free from comparisons, free from expectations, free from pain, free from everything. I felt like a dove who was about to leave her cage for a long time.

I started walking down the road, tears kept on flowing but I didn't have to care at all. This will be my last time crying so why stop it. The tears aren't caused by pain, it is somewhat because of the end— that will free me from everything that pains me.

As I reached the Shibuya Station and waited for the train. My mind wanders about happiness. For a long time, I let a smile escape my lips along with the tears that were flowing. I must be creepy to look at because I just saw a toddler looking at me with fear. I just hope he grew up well unlike me.

The train stopped by making the station crowded. Passengers were going in and out of the train so I hurriedly went in and settled myself on one of the seats.

Clutching the hem of my white cardigan, I looked down on my shutted knees to let my tears fall on my cheeks down to the skirt of my peaceful white floral dress. There's still a small smile on my chapped, dry, bleeding— tortured lips that made me look like a psycho but people won't care. It's a smile of freedom.

Taking a deep breath, the train started moving on the line to Tokyo as I sat straight on my seat. There's a man across my seat, wearing a black shirt and jeans. His elbows are on his knees, while his head is on his hands. He looks problematic, lost, lonely, and barely living. His situation is like a man's version of me, I think or even worse. Then he seated straight, his blue dead eyes met mine so I bowed down to face my lap again. 

Zyosei, you're not alone. See that man on the parallel seat? He might result in your decision too. 

I remembered Kaizo, how I wish I was like him. Living to the life's flow and happiness. I just hope that I, in the parallel universe, is as happy as him or even happier. 

Then, there's Faya. We used to rant together, console each other, cry with each other, unwind in the parks together, study together. Of course, time changes so does our friendship. I hope I am like her too, who can handle all of this alone. When Faya left me, I left me too. The blame is on me though, maybe I'm not as good as other friends like. Will she be happy if I don't come to class tomorrow? I will surely be dead by that time. Our last conversation isn't enough but I respect her decision to stay away from me.

Who would've been at the side of someone like me who always focuses on her problems and pains. Who is the representation of negativity on earth with a hand and feet. Who has all the drama in life. Who would stay by my side if I always envy people.

I let myself sob that made my chest contract by emotional pain.

The train stopped so I looked up, meeting the gaze of the man with the dead blue eyes. My dead soul mirrors his eyes. I envy his eyes, and I envy his vibe, he can freely let everyone know he's miserable unlike me who hides everything within myself.

He stood up gazing away from me, so did I.

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