Blue Eyes I First Saw

Chapter 2

He got taller again. Boys grew so much, they grew taller and manlier each year. His features are sharper than our junior high. His hooded eyes scream happiness, thick brows are in a calm manner, I admire his aquiline nose, he has a heart shaped face too, but sharper than mine.

I stopped on my track and pulled my jacket tightly. My jacket is my shield from being conscious, without it I can't socialize. “Yes?”

“I'm heading to Narusawa, wanna come and check the mountain?” right. It's the weekend so students are heading to their hometowns. Kaizo lives near the outskirts of a mountain. We used to study below the trees with our biology club mates before.

Kaizo knew I love nature, yet now's not the time to enjoy it. I have an unstable mental health to shake first. “My parents are expecting me to go home.” no, they actually don't. They expect me to study in the library or somewhere.

“Okay. See you on Monday, then?” I just nodded. His bright smile made me envious. I used to smile like that before. How come senior high school made a lot of students get sick?

I blinked enumerable times when I felt Kaizo's hand on my wrist. His hold is firm but gentle. “I'll accompany you up to the station.” he said and started to walk.

I get back on my feet and walk with his hold on my wrist. My other hand squeezed the bottom hem of my jacket. I can't endure a long physical contact, it's suffocating.

“Uh— Kai, can I get my wrist back? Can't walk properly.” That's my best reasoning on pronto.

“Sorry.” he smiled reassuringly and walked beside me in a slower phase to catch up. I am now squeezing the hem of my jacket with two hands. “I miss having you in Narusawa— I mean, the study session we used to have before.”

Narusawa, that's where Aokigahara is. Might as well go to the unliving life when I got there.

“Things changed like our grades. We must learn to study without anyone.” half-meant statements make me overthink. What if he got the hidden message? 

“We'll enter college soon. Our independence is a must.” I added to ease my thoughts.

Kaizo went silent until we reached the station. “Take care, Sei.” he smiled brightly again.

I smiled at him and said, “Might see you on Narusawa when I visit.” Then I went inside the train leaving Kaizo with a smile.

Sitting on one of the train seats is somewhat tiring. Some passengers kept on glancing so I pulled my jacket tightly, again. Also, keeping my head low while my knees are shut. Their eyes are making me anxious. I thankfully sighed when I no longer felt a glance.

As the train in Tokyo speeds up to Shibuya City. It took me fourteen minutes to admire the surroundings outside while peeling my lips’ skin. It took me a few more minutes to continuously peel and walk before I entered my patrimonial house.

A gulp reached my throat as I stared at my father's desk. Pulling the assessment paper on my satchel in a slow manner, I nervously place it on the black office desk. Wishing my paper to vanish, a strong wind blew although it's impossible for my father's private office room at our house. Sure thing it has a window but a glass was permanently placed on it. Even dust can't enter this room.

My shoulders slumped as I went to my bedroom to wash up and drown myself with my thoughts. 

My lips are sore from peeling. I took off my jacket, coat, uniform, long sleeves, skirt, everything before sitting on the floor below the hot running shower.

How I wish my parents would be satisfied by my score. They always think it's low, probably not my best. Studying is hard, but meeting my parents’ expectations is harder and far from reality.

I should be like this so I can be like them. I should end like this so I can be more than what they are. I should be impossibly smart so I can gain their praises.

Who am I is not who they are. I am their own blood and flesh but my intelligence quotient is lower than what they have. 

I envy those students in the movies. Their parents want them to enjoy while attending classes, some only want their child to pass and graduate. How I wish my parents treated me like that too.

After washing myself up, I went to my closet for some comfortable clothes. There I saw my dull self. My heart shaped face looks tired with my monolid depressed dark bark eyes, sharp nose, unsmiling chapped bleeding cupid lips that are now red. My jacket, sweater and jeans are hiding my pale porcelain skin. It hides my weak petite shape too.

The eighteen-year-old me looks like a ghost with my long straight jet black hair up to my waist so I tied it into a ponytail before going out of the house again, heading to my neighbor— who's a psychology student. An acquaintance.

“Still taking your antidepressants?” Guki asked in her soft gentle voice. She's in her twenty-three yet she speaks like a well-behaved ten years old. 

I gulped before nodding. Eyes on my feet, thoughts are running wild. “Y-yes.” I lied. I do not take medications anymore. I lose my hope of living normally, my parents aren't helping my situation either.

Hearing Guki's sigh, I knew she knew that I'm lying. She'll be a great psychologist.

“What I'll tell you isn't news anymore. Go to professionals that will surely help you.” She suggested that a lot of times. I first visited one before I met Guki.

“Guki, my parents—” 

“Tell them.” She cut me off. 

My parents don’t know a thing. They are assuming that I am attending Juko— a cram school to study, which is not. I'm here at Guki's house instead, asking for psychological help.

I shook my head. My reason for being here isn't for me to heal, but to bid goodbye. I'm afraid that Guki might guess what I am into.

“I'm going now, Guki.” I stood up and headed to her doors, not having any eye contact. “You'll be a great psychologist.” Then I went back to my house.

“Wait, Zyosei!” I heard her rush that made me hold my breath. Did she guess my plan?

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