Blue Eyes I First Saw

Chapter 12

As the lecturer distributed our test papers, my mind flew to it's journey about ghosts.

If I can now see ghosts, is it possible to see more of them? That thought is cringe and unnerving. I think I can't survive seeing more than one. The kid made me anxious and overthinking up until now, what more if I see many. 

A crumpled paper threw on her that made her go back to her reverie. I looked around to see who the hell threw me but I met the lecturer's gaze instead.

I gulped and looked down on my papers. I answered the questions that I have a sure answer and began computing the items who needed it. It took me minutes before I got distracted by the tree outside the room.

It's spring and the Sakura flowers bloom brightly. I wonder if someone hanged him or herself in there, students committing suicide in this school isn't a news. Surely students and some staff grieve but are able to move on for their own lives.

I wonder if I can just move on about that ghost kid and forget it afterwards. Given how my mind thinks, I surely can't. I can even remember the words my parents threw at me when I didn't pass the examination when I was in grade five, resulting in taking a summer class online and at home. My parents kept it a secret as they think it's a shame, it is. 

My parents are professors at The University of Tokyo, are known to be sharp and intelligent, my dad even made it to Harvard. I would be really ashamed if everybody who knew them found out that their daughter failed an exam. 

I sighed. I still don't know what I really want to do to myself in the future to succeed, and if I can't make my parents proud, what's the point of living? I feel useless.

‘. . .help me.’

The kid's voice rang in my ears again. He's dead, what can I do to help? To accomplish his revenge? To make whoever pays for his death?

But he's kind. He talked to me and convinced me not to hang myself. He helped me live, I should help him too, or atleast thanked him.

I roam my eyes in the room. The lecturer is on the far corner observing, my classmates are busy answering their assessment papers, there is no sign of ghosts or supernatural creatures. The room is filled with silence, and academic pressure.

Will I see him again? I don't think he followed me. I was just terrified or anxious or paranoid to see eyes and silhouettes. 

I bite my lower tortured lip to stop from chuckling. The people in this room might think I'm crazy— well, maybe I am. I was afraid to even look or go near the ghost kid yesterday, yet I am willing to find him now to thank and help.

Pinching myself hard I went back to where I am. I should finish this test.

Before I can even hold my pen and write, I yawn. My eyes grew wide as I realized that my lecturer might see me. 

Thankfully, he didn't.

“Pass the papers forward. One.” 

Wait— what?! My inner self protests as my classmate passed her paper to me. No! I just answered three fourths of the whole test! Oh, hell!

“Zyosei, pass the papers to the front.” my classmate from behind hissed.

I sighed in defeat and looked down on my paper. As soon as I passed the papers, I knew I'm doomed.

Why am I even spacing out during the test?!

Taking a deep breath, I slump my head to my desk.

How can I be this coward?! I nearly got late, I haven't reviewed enough, now, I'll get a perfect zero. To think that my test papers have unanswered questions left, my parents will really freak out.

All these thoughts are making my head throbbed, plus the fact that I haven't slept enough and haven't eaten properly since yesterday. 

Closing my eyes to breathe, I dozed off for sleep.

“. . .help me.” the kid's voice echoed with a sob.

“. . . Can you help me?” he asked again while tears were streaming down his dirty bruised cheeks. 

The ghost kid is helpless, and here am I thinking about my parents’ initial reaction to my best possible score. The ghost is not at peace, he's not where he should be. 

“. . .help me.” his voice echoed again. Looking at him pains me. 

If I succeed in leaving the world, will I be like him? Probably, yes. That is why he kept on telling me, that I'll regret what I am about to do. That is why. 

“. . .help me.” 

‘Yes. I will. I will help you.’ I can't voice out my answer. I feel like a coward mute. 

I will help him myself without hurting anyone. 

“. . .help me.” his voice rang again, making me desperate to answer.

‘I will help you. I will help you, I promise.’ my voice can't form a word like it's hidden somewhere I can't find. Like how I can't find my own peace. Like how I can't find myself in the future.

Slowly, the kid's voice became silent and the darkness filled with light from the outside of my eyelid. I felt myself awake but still with my eyes closed.

The bell suddenly rang that startled me.

The silence filled with noise of my classmates grunts and remarks about the test. 

“That test killed me every time!” my classmate almost cried.

“I don't think I answered anything right.” another one said in a cool but nervous manner. 

Right. I'm still in my classroom.

Adjusting myself, I sat properly and my eyes flew to Faya who's quiet while packing her things. 

Some of my classmates formed their circle to chat, the others left, while the others remained seated like me.

Faya made her way to the exit door soon after packing all of her things. I sighed. I should try rebuilding our friendship.

Getting my pen and satchel, I stood up and followed Faya outside.

“Kanasimi!” one of the girls on the circle called as I lay my step near the exit door. I turned my head to her and raise my brow. “Did you find the tests easy? I saw you stifling a smile like you know—”

“Uhh— no.” I cutted her sentence off and hurriedly left the room. 

I'm glad they think I'm smiling because I find the test easy rather than I'm smiling because I'm crazy. Soon enough, they will know that the test isn't easy for me as well. When the results come, I'm sure as hell I'll be doomed.

The hallway was crowded but I spotted Faya walking slowly. “Faya!” calling her name isn't a good decision at all. He walks faster this time.

Oh hell. This monday is full of running. 

Faya left my vision as she entered one of the club rooms. Running up to the door, there I saw her inside with her guardian— Ms. Yamachi.

I stood there, stare at them for a while. They seem calm, but looks can be deceiving, just like how I deceive people that I'm fine.

The door opens and it's Faya with unshed tears on her lovely eyes. I stood there stiff, and unmoving.

“What do you want?” her voice broke.

“I'm . . .I'm always here, Faya.” my words came out as a whisper. I want to fold my arms on her and fully embrace her, but that move might drift her away from me. I'm trying to rebuild our friendship.

Faya looked at me deep in the eyes before she slowly nodded and walked past me.

I sighed and began walking for the gate. It's not bad for a good rebuilding. At least, she didn't push me away like she used to.

On my tracks, my mind wandered about friendship.

Friendship. Amity. Brotherhood. Sisterhood. Fellowship. Whatever that all means is the bond of people or simply a platonic love. A familiar love is called Storge in greek.

I wonder if my friendship with Faya will soon be established again. I miss her being jolly and cheerful. I should work hard for that.

As I stepped out of the Kokusai koko gate, my eyes landed on my wrist watch that said quarter to four. 

My dream. My most recent dream. Right. I have to talk to that kid.

Instead of going to the train station, my feet walk up to the bus stop where buses going to Narusawa are found. 

I settled myself on the seat near the driver beside the window. This ride will take up to three hours and twenty-five minutes so I let myself doze off to sleep. 

The bus stopped, which made me wake up and opened my eyes. I groggily stood up and left the bus after paying some Japanese Yen.

Clutching on my jacket tightly, I opened the Google Map of my phone for directions. Asking for directions to a stranger scares me, the last time I did, I feel violated and it's a traumatizing memory.

I began walking down the road, following the directions on my phone to the destination I'm going— the Aokigahara forest.

The sunset is showcasing its aesthetic ambiance giving the sky a reddish orange color. It's a view along with the trees and mountains surrounding the place. 

Some people took a glance at me as I walked. Maybe because I look awful or because of my high school uniform that is obviously not from here. 

The walk feels endless, like I wasn't here on my own feet yesterday. There's no way I can remember a road going to the forest, perhaps it's because my mind is full of suicidal clouds that blinds me on my way here. 

It's funny to think that I just went here yesterday to fade like dust, but here I am now, still living and eager to live. Time changes people along with the words that people throw.

The ghost kid's words somewhat help me to think rationally. I may not know what I want to be, I may not make my parents proud, but at least I'm living and can still hope like how I'm hoping for my friendship with Faya.

Maybe after helping the ghost, after being on good terms with Faya, I'll be able to know what I really want. As long as I'm living, hopes cannot be buried. The kid says I'll regret taking my own life, he's right. If I died yesterday, I won't be able to hear Kaizo's side about his liberation. I now feel at ease and comfortable with him after this morning.

As the sun sets to the mountains, I can now see the wooden arc in the entrance of Aokigahara forest. It looks the same but way more creepier and in horror this time. The darkness on the inside is undeniable. It's getting dark and the night is soon to arrive but the forest is naturally dark as it is. 

I took a deep breath before walking, keeping my phone in my pocket.

The darkness is getting nearer making me clutch the hem of my jacket more tightly. My palms sweat as I imagine seeing the horrifying scenery inside, my knees are trembling as I step nearer and nearer.

I halt. Hell, Zyosei! You can do this!

But what if I saw more ghosts like other dead people? The kid looks lifeless and awful. I can't take any more of that. My insides might give up on me. I don't want to pass out again in the forest.

Heaving a deep breath I slowly took steps to continue. “You can do this. I can do this.”

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