Blue Eyes I First Saw

Chapter 31

“You should go home. It's late.” Souru said and  I didn't refuse. “Seika—”

I stood up, cutting him off. “I'll go because it's late not because your brother doesn't want—”

“I was about to say that Seikatu might be at work. You're so defensive.” he chuckled again.

Right. This kid is brilliant and annoying sometimes. I shrugged. “Whatever.”

On the arc, where the moon is at its brightest, I remember Seikatu on the station. The small smile he offered me. 

“Souru.” I look at him from where he is. “Your brother still smiles.”

That made Souru flash a genuine smile. “Really? Have you seen it?!”

I nodded and smiled. “Mmm. He smiled at me one time at the train station.” 

That made me reminisce about that moment. It's just once in a blue moon to see.

“Should I be the one who must be more happy?” Souru made me go back to my sane reverie.

I looked at him and smiled with guilt. “Y— yeah. I'm just happy for you.” I uttered.

“I wish I saw that.” Souru said afterwards and I just plastered a sad smile. If I can just take a photo of Seikatu smiling.

I sighed. “You will. I promise.” 

Souru smiled at me. “You must go.”

I nodded. “See you again!”

“Take care, sister-in-law!” he teased and I just laughed.

At one in the morning, I finally laid myself on the soft mattress of my bed. Unable to sleep, I went to the balcony and sighed upon seeing the stars in the sky.

“Will Souru be at peace when he finally talks to his brother?” 

I sighed. There's no assurance that it will be the case. Seikatu can't even talk about his brother. I know he's avoiding me. I know he always walks me to the station for me to just go home. He can't still accept the fact that Souru is . . .not living anymore.

If I were in his place, I wouldn't believe someone like me too. I chuckled. It's just not me. 

Ghosts, spirits, mythical creatures, I don't believe them all. Me now, is not me weeks ago.

The Zyosei I have known the past week are very different. She's depressed, she's sad and tired and suicidal. She can't talk to anyone, she's overly sensitive, she's uncomfortable by other people's stares and touch. But now . . .

Now it is different. I can smile freely, I can feel an amount of joy, I may still feel sad sometimes but it all just fades when I think positively. I can now try letting anyone stare at me, without a jacket— I've done it two times now! I can now socialize too! I talked to Faya, Zire, and Seikatu! Faya even swats me and Seikatu . . .I can tolerate him being near me although I don't know why. He's just different. 

Stars, look how far I've survived. Days ago, I wanted to be one of you but now. I don't want to. The books on my shelf must be finished first before leaving this world. Souru's peace must be given first before I die. Seikatu must smile often too before I leave the world. Things must be in place before I leave my life and things don't have endings.

Going back inside my room, my phone reminded me that I'll be visiting Mrs. Kana— my shrink— today. 

I smiled. “Healing is on it's way, Zyosei.” I talked to myself.

I slept for about five hours and woke up after that. My head is about to burst and I regret sleeping at dawn. 

“Can I not go to school?” I grumpily asked myself.

An hour later, I found myself walking to the road bound to Tokyo Metropolitan Kokusai High School in a moody mood. 

Who would have not? I'll surely not learn a thing today and I'm so sleepy! My head is floating like a balloon and I can't sleep at lecture hours— I can, maybe.

What heck of a day is this.

In the room, my head found its place on the desk and I got a light sleep, earning more headache.

I don't know what the lecture or subject my lecturer was teaching but I just woke up having him in front. He's our second or third subject in the morning? 

“Sei!” I heard a whisper.

Being sleepy, I glimpsed at Faya who's mouthing something to me. I frown. “What?” I mouthed too.

“Are you okay?” she mouthed with a thumbs up and I smiled at her gesture. 

Nodding. “This day is boring.” I mouthed my comment and she agreed with me by nodding.

The day went on and it's dismissal and I'm still having my airhead. 

“Sei, you going to Metro, Sei?” Faya asked as we walked side by side from Kokusai. She's busy typing on her phone— I saw Zire's name on it. 

I nodded. “I have an appointment there.” 

“Oh. We can go there together. I'll meet Zire today.” she stated— more like giggled.

“Okay.” I just answered half-asleep while walking. My head really aches. 

Faya and I parted ways when we reached Metro Tokyo. I went to Mrs. Kana's clinic and Faya went to I don't know where.

Mrs. Kana was so glad to see me and was more than happy as I told her how my past days went. She also advised not to sleep so late— sleep at dawn as it may trigger my anxiety attacks.

“Uhm . . .I know that you and my parents might know each other and . . .” I'm nervous to tell you this but fine. “. . .please don't tell them for the meantime.”

“May I know why?” 

I bit my lower lip. “I want to do it by myself. Also, I don't want them to worry.”

Mrs. Kana reassuringly smiled at me. “Tell them when you're ready, okay?”

I nodded. “Thank you!” 

The session ended and I'm back to being light-headed as I walk on to the streets of Tokyo. 

Then a familiar physique on my near front caught my attention.

“Seikatu?” then he got nearer, confirming that he is. “Seikatu!”

The frown never left his brows as he stared at me and to where I came from. I become nervous in an instant.

Seikatu stopped in front of me and looked at where I came from once more. “Are you okay?” he asked seriously and put the back of his palm on my forehead. 

I blinked. Sheep! My system is in chaos again. “I— I . . .y— yeah. Why not?” I smiled nervously.

Seikatu removed his back palm and put it back in his jean's pocket. “Zire said you're sick earlier this morning, according to Faya.”

I frown. “Huh? No. I'm just light headed today.” 

Seikatu nodded and signaled me to walk first so I did. He walked beside me, near the main road where he always walks when we're together. I stayed on the very sidewalk.

“I— uhm . . .”

“About last weekend.” he started and I bit my lower lip. “I didn't mean to scare you.”

The silence stretched. I should talk too, right?

“I—I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say what I said to you too.” I bowed my head. 

He didn't reply. We just kept on walking until I heard him sigh. 

“May I ask?” he asked hesitantly. I nodded and gulped. “Why are you in that place?”

At Mrs. Kana's clinic? “I . . .I'm having anxiety attacks and it's . . .it's better to ask for professional's help.” Is it right to share with him that part of me? I cleared my throat. “I'm healing though.” I chuckled. “Thanks to your brother who saved me from hanging myself.” 

A lone tear escaped my eyes. Then followed by another. And another until I stopped walking to just wipe my tears from falling.

Seikatu caresses my back. “I'm sorry.”

“I—It's not your fault. I was . . .so depressed that— I want to end my life. It was your brother—Souru who made me not turn my back to the life I'm having— amidst what I'm going through.” I cried.

Seikatu was just beside me, caressing my back and making me sit on the sidewalk's side. Even though he doesn't talk, his presence is enough to make me cry and calm at the same time. I feel like he will not judge me on how minimal I'm feeling than anyone else.

I chuckled. “I'm sorry for crying in front of you.” 

He answered me with silence so I looked up, meeting his gaze. “Please, don't pity me—”

“I'm not.” He sighed and looked on the sidewalk, giving me a full view of his side profile. “Don't ever be sorry for crying. Your tears are valid, so is your feelings.”

I chuckled and looked up at the sky to stop my tears who might fall again. “Thank you.” I utter and wipe my tears with my hands. “Just thank you.”

“You're welcome.” Seikatu replied with a smile. “Are you calm now?” I nodded. “Let's go?”

I stood up, making me stand inches away from me. Making my breathing hitch. “I'm sorry.” I took a step back and started walking.

Seikatu chuckled and that made me smile too. The tension between us is nervously bearable and I can't change it. Maybe it's my perception of him being intimidating.

Seikatu and I walked through the streets of Metro Tokyo and I enjoyed every minute of it. My headache even disappeared.

We might not be friends but I can say that we're acquaintances. Maybe I'll slow down about Souru and make him talk to him when he's ready.

Seikatu might smile not so often but he's good to be with. He might not talk so often but you can feel his presence near you. He might be intimidating but his gentleness slips in unexpected moments. I still find him serious but he has a side of consoling people like what he does to me.

Seikatu treated me to some street food and we strolled around until we reached the station. “Does your head still hurt?” 

I shook my head. “No. Not anymore. Thanks to you.” 

He shrugged like he's boasting. I chuckled. “You can leave me here.”

Seikatu looked around first before nodding. “Be careful.”

I nodded. “You too.”

Turning my back, Seikatu called my name. “Huh?” I faced him again.

“Message me when you make it. If you still have my number.” he smiled. I guess it's his nightly issues.

“Okay. Bye!” Then I went and settled myself on the train.

Seikatu waved his hand at me when the train accelerated and I waved at him too, making my smile not leave my lips until I entered my room.

Who would have thought that the man I thought who's only serious and intimidating has a cute side— aside from his manner, the one where he pushes his tongue on his inner cheek. 

Now, I can see the Ikemen's alikes. They are both cute but Souru is more verbally expressive while Seikatu has a different way of expressing. They both are caring.

I just wish I had seen them before together, where Souru is still living and they are both genuinely happy.

I messaged Seikatu when I placed my satchel somewhere, making my night refreshed unlike how I started my day.

In the shower all I think of are the people around me. Their transition and how I've seen it.

Faya was so lonely like me back then but look at her now who's being cheerful everyday. Kaizo, who likes friendly gestures that manages to keep his hands when he's with me. Souru who always cheered me up and was helpless when I first met but is now hopeful. Lastly, Seikatu who I think is serious and intimidating but is comfortable to be with. I just feel nervously safe with him.

A day can't be a day without people realizing a thing.

Then my phone received a message.

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