Reclaiming Her Heart

Chapter 72 - What Wasn't Said

Adam

What wasn't I saying?

The question caught me by surprise, and I paused to digest it.

What wasn't I saying? The question kept reverberating in my mind.

Closing my eyes, I reached for deepest parts of myself. For the past several weeks, I'd been suppressing some of my emotions because Jadea needed someone who was stoic and strong. Someone who wasn't insecure. Someone who wasn't weak.

"I am scared I am going to fail her," I began evenly.

That I already failed her.

I'd been scared I wouldn't be enough. And, I'd felt more pressure to keep up that facade after Jadea and Caden told me how great a Dom and Alpha I was being. When, in reality, I felt like the biggest fake. Yes, I'd become bolder after her return, willing to take life by the horns because each day was not promised. I had felt that shift within myself. But, ages old insecurities didn't just disappear overnight.

Before she'd been captured, we'd been working on them. And, with her I'd made great progress.

If I was being completely honest with myself, I'd overcome many of those insecurities after her return.

I knew my insecurities were just self-deprecating talk. They were all so prominent, especially after what I'd just done to her. A real mate wouldn't have done what I did; wouldn't have stooped to such lows. Wouldn't have hurt her like that...

I knew I had grown and evolved. Changed. Especially over the months in her absence. I wasn't the same person I used to be before... And maybe that was what scared me most. While this Jadea accepted me, I didn't know if—after she remembered everything—I would be what she wanted. I felt so different. Had I changed too much for her? Was this new, bold, decisive side of myself going to be something she couldn't accept? Because I had a feeling I would be making far more mistakes and clashing more with her with this change.

And from my failures, I was afraid I would lose her. And I couldn't stop the spiral. I didn't know how to stop it...

"That's good, Adam," Dr. Andrew praised, and it was then I realized I'd been speaking my thoughts out loud. "She is upset and feeling like she trusted you too easily. However, she doesn't remember your shared history. I'm sure if she did, she would understand this was simply a misunderstanding. Your wolf reacting on fear and instinct. Wanting to keep her safe, and this was his only means of controlling that."

I hesitated with my next question. "Is it too late? Did I go too far?"

"No. You haven't. You still have a chance to win back her trust." He assured.

I felt relief wash through me.

"You are carrying a lot on your shoulders," he noted. "And you haven't given yourself time to recover and digest everything that has happened. Why don't we set a schedule for the next few weeks so we can make sure you give yourself time to start working through it?"

As much as I didn't want to give up any more of my time with her, I knew it was important I kept my mental health in check. Otherwise, it could lead to more stress and problems. Or mistakes that could further harm our bond.

After setting a schedule, I wished Dr. Andrew a goodnight, and then focused inward. Falling into myself, I came face to face with my wolf.

We were usually so in tune, it was hard to accept and comprehend the rift between us now.

I can't lose her. He began, speaking about her wolf. What the enemy did ... It scared him to his very core that they could break her bond with her wolf so hard she could simply disappear. He had to keep her safe. He couldn't allow them the opportunity to take her again, and break her. He wasn't sure she would be able to survive a second time.

I'm afraid too, I responded, showing him my fears as well. But, that doesn't excuse our behavior. We do not get to stoop to such deplorable lows because we are afraid. We are better than that.

You wanted it too, he accused on a growl, feeling as though I was placing all the blame on his shoulders.

Yes. But it was something I was going to approach in time. To see if we couldn't find a compromise. Not force her into an agreement she would resent us for.

I'm afraid now, he admitted hesitantly. He hated the taste of fear on his tongue. Hated how it made him feel weak. He wasn't weak. And it made him more volatile.

I am afraid too, I soothed, trying to remain the calm in the storm. My persistence finally won.

I'm afraid I hurt her too deeply. That I pushed her too far.

We will face the consequences together, I assured.

No matter what they were, I refused to lose her again. We had already faced the unknown with her once. We gained her trust when she had every right not to trust us. While we didn't have to fight for it as hard or as long this second time around, I was willing to fight for as long and as hard as needed. I didn't care if it took years. A full lifetime. Though, I could hope it didn't truly take that long. It would test every part of our willpower if that were to happen.

***

A couple hours passed and my wolf and I had once again synchronized. We were sitting with ourselves, allowing each other time and comfort because being thusly connected with no distractions was ... Healing.

Suddenly, Caden's mind brushed ours.

"May I have permission to touch her?" he asked gently, tiredly.

I touched his mind, at first opposed to this. But, I wanted to know why.

"She asked to be tied up. She's feeling ... Broken. And she's spiraling. The fastest way I know to stop it..." He trailed off, his mind showing me exactly what he wanted to do. "She didn't ask. She's trying to handle this on her own."

Like she always does, I mused to myself. My heart breaking, knowing I was responsible for this. "Stay connected with me," I told him. I wanted to see and feel everything. Being a part of it like this would ease the sting and wouldn't make it feel as though a line was being crossed.

If this was something she needed, then I would willingly give it.