Reclaiming Her Heart

Chapter 61 - Time

Jadea

I knew it was my mind playing tricks on me. Telling me I wasn't good enough.

Why was it so easy to believe the lies?

With every heartbeat that passed as I knelt while Caden prepped the scene, I took mental steps away from the ledge.

Suicide was not the answer!

Guilt was a cruel knife to the chest.

It was bad enough Adam and Caden were witnesses to my deplorable lows. My pack experiencing it was worse.

I was supposed to be their rock. Their safe space. Their alpha.

How could they trust me in such a condition? When I was so volatile I couldn't even trust myself?

"To be fair," Caden's voice interrupted my thoughts, coming to squat before me. Fingers caressing over my cheek and lips. "It has only been a couple of weeks since your return."

Was it only a couple of weeks? It felt like ages.

"You and Adam have unintentionally raised your healing expectations too quickly."

Grumbling, I kept my arguments to myself.

"Let me put it this way," he said thoughtfully. "Did you expect Derrick to learn to trust you and heal from his previous alpha's abuse within weeks of swearing his oath to you?"

"Well, no."

"Did it take months?"

I tried to keep the annoyance from my voice, knowing where he was going with this. "Yes."

"And did he have relapses in the years after?"

"Yes."

"Everyone heals at their own pace, kitten." He breathed, petting me again. "Stop placing a timeline on your healing. You are focusing so hard on reaching that goal, you aren't focusing on healing. It is going to cost you time in the long run if you continue on this path."

I really hated it when he was right.

As much as I wanted to rush my healing and my need to shove this into the past, it wasn't an easy thing to do. Rushing it would make for unpredictable flare-ups in the future. Ones that could have been avoided had I just taken the time now.

"It is okay for your pack to see you like this," Caden reassured. "It makes you more... Human."

I snorted at his explanation.

"While we wait for Adam, you're going to change into this." He held up the baby doll outfit. "And do a writing assignment."

The look I gave him set him off. He caught my chin, tilting my head back severely so I could stare deeply into his stern gaze. "Two writing assignments," he growled. "And, if you roll your eyes again, you will be standing in the corner."

My disgruntled hiss was my only response. "Yes, sir."

Tossing the lingerie in my arms, he went to retrieve writing supplies.

Once I was changed, Caden gave me the first prompt: Why do I feel I cannot show weakness in front of my pack?

Grating my teeth, I wrote down my thoughts. I knew these prompts were to help me reflect. To name my emotions. To face them and sit with them. To confront them in a way. As agreed upon, I wrote a five hundred word response.

Handing it to Caden, he passed me the second prompt: Why do you catastrophize?

This one was easier. I catastrophized as a coping mechanism. If I played out every scenario that could happen, I wouldn't be caught off guard. It was really helpful when confronting an enemy. It wasn't so helpful during everyday life. Because I tended to focus on the worst case scenarios. I didn't leave room for all the positive possibilities. I never asked: What would happen if it all went right?

Right as I handed over the second response, the door crashed open, and a fierce Adam stood in the doorway. He was a ball of pent-up rage and energy.

He was pissed.

But not for the reasons I thought he would be.

***

Adam

I went to Aidan and Anika, knowing they would need me.

Hell! Who was I kidding? I went needing to make sure they were okay. I needed to lay eyes on them. To hold them. Breathe in their familiar scents and allow it to help chase away the terror of the night.

Ginny, Persephone and the kids were all shaken, but okay when I pulled them out of the safe room within the cabin. I'd wrapped them all in my fierce embrace, holding them as they broke down. Knowing just how close they all came to a fate worse than death. Well, Aidan and Anika didn't know the extent. They just knew there had been trouble.

A half hour later, Ty returned, announcing Keb's pack was long gone.

While I was relieved everyone was safe, I was shaken by how easily Keb's pack snuck past the perimeter without triggering an alarm.

I'd pulled Ty aside and asked if the four of them could stay in his cabin until Jadea and I returned with our pack. I would feel more comfortable with them closer to the heart of the compound. Ty agreed, and helped settle them into the spare bedrooms. He also set up guards directly outside his cabin, to ensure their safety.

Aidan and Anika begged me to stay, fear still lingering.

I'd stayed until they were fast asleep, and then asked Jupiter to teleport me back to Jadea.

I'd been away for hours. Had time to stew over everything that happened earlier. I was upset by how the pack responded so hotheadedly to Agamemnon. I understood the underlying trauma and how it made everyone a bit volatile. It was messy because everyone was dealing with their own demons. Having Jadea ripped so harshly from our lives, only to have her so abruptly dropped back into our lives—and with so much trauma and baggage... It was aggravating everyone's mentality to cope.

Regardless, they shouldn't have allowed it to get so far out of hand.

I was also upset Jadea didn't listen to my direct orders. Yet, if she had listened... I didn't want to think what Keb would have done to our children. Or what would have happened to Ginny and Persephone. I doubt he would have spared the women.

Right now, I wanted to move everyone back to Ty's. It didn't matter Jadea's memories were missing. It didn't matter if her wolf was still MIA. We were stronger and safer when we were together. Split, like this, put a larger target on our backs and made it easier for the enemy.

As I stormed toward the cabin, I saw Garret morph from the shadows. He looked miserable. Good! He was the main instigator.

"I wanted to formally apologize to you, alpha," he stated, holding my gaze. "I did not realize how ... Delicate this whole situation was. I didn't know she was fighting so many demons." While I wanted to quickly accept his apology and charge into the cabin where Jadea was, I knew there was more Garret wanted to say. Taking a deep breath, I faced him. Waiting. "She was always the strong one. Always so calm and collected. I thought she would bounce back from this like everything else. Not taking into consideration everything else. I am sorry for the unspoken pressures I placed on her unintentionally."

Gripping his shoulder, I assured, "It will be alright. It's going to take some time."

Time.

She hadn't even been back but a couple of weeks.

We were all guilty of placing unspoken expectations on her. Expecting her to just bounce back from this like everything else.

Yet, this time, it wasn't that simple. "I forgive you," I stated, knowing he needed that more than anything else. The tension eased from him. "Where are the others?"

"In the meadow over. Caden sent them away."

I knew there was more to it, but let it go. "Go to them. I'll call you all back when we are ready."

Bounding into the cabin, I stalked toward the scene room and crashed in. The instant my gaze landed on hers, everything I was carrying melted away.

She was okay.

Safe.

Alive.

Kneeling before her, I gently pushed the soft material of the lingerie down to her sternum where I saw the nearly healed pin-prick.

So many emotions crashed through me.

I'd almost lost her today.

Our gazes clashed. Hers timid and guarded.

Curling one hand around the base of her head, I pulled her into a bruising kiss. Pouring every last ounce of myself into her mind. The tension bled out of her at our continued embrace, her heavy sigh telling.

She'd needed this as much as I had.

Pressing my forehead against hers, I asked, "Are you ready, baby girl?"

"Yes sir," she breathed into the space between us.

Good. Standing up, I ordered her to bend over the bed with her ass up in the air. Tossing ropes to Caden, I told him to secure her wrists to the headboard. Taking up the spreader bar, I secured her ankles to it. Stepping back, I admired our work. She couldn't move.

"Use this." Caden handed me a baton. It would give a good stinging sensation. "Aim more for the upper thighs with this one," he instructed, slipping the wireless headphones over her ears before turning on her song. Once it was playing, I swung. And kept swinging. Alternating sides and angles. I wasn't at all gentle. Within my chest, I felt the rage from earlier surge, egging me on.

Small whimpers escaped as she counted.

It hurt.

Yet, in a satisfying way.

My swings became more violent. Closer together. I felt Caden's concern, yet he didn't interfere because Jadea was working through her own release of feelings. This intense pain breaking loose and tearing apart that need to self-harm.

The moment the song was over, I felt exhaustion take hold. Sweat beaded my skin. My body vibrating from the exertion. Taking a step closer to her, I collapsed. My hands fisting in the comforter on either side of her, holding myself up so I wouldn't hurt her. Panting, I stared down at her beautiful expression. Eyes closed. Lost in serenity.

Warmth and satisfaction swirled within my chest, knowing I had done that for her.