Reclaiming Her Heart

Chapter 8 - Rock Bottom

Jadea

After he was done, Silas left me tied to the post. The temperature dropped. Insects and other critters were drawn to the blood oozing from my wounds and dripping onto the ground. There was no moon in the night sky. Only an endless blanket of stars.

I stared up at them, tears silently leaking down my face. A comet shot by, and I wished I could be back at Lucien's. Safe. Loved. Accepted. Wanted. Lucien had taken me in after Hans, my father, abandoned me. Hans stripped me of my ability to have children, then tossed me into the wilderness with a threat he would kill me himself if I ever came back. Lucien found me on his lands months later, more wolf than human, and taken me in. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do at that moment to be safe in his arms once again.

I wasn't sure why I hadn't tried to reach out to him before now. Maybe, it was because I knew it would be futile due to the mind fog from the toxin. Maybe, it was my own way of trying not to be a burden. Or, maybe, I didn't want to hurt him, like I hurt everyone else around me.

Or, I couldn't accept it if he was as disappointed in me as everyone else seemed to be. It would break me in ways I couldn't even begin to describe if I had done something so profound to lose his love.

But, in that moment of weakness, when I was broken and beaten down, wanting nothing more than to be surrounded by the love of my family, I reached out into the void, praying I could brush his mind. To let him know I was alive and okay. That I needed help.

Emptiness was the only thing that greeted me. It almost felt like he was no longer alive, or the pathway to his mind had been severed by whatever trauma my mind had gone through.

Sobs wracked my body then as I longed for safety. For home.

***

I was left on the post for two days. Silas did come out and rub a salve on my back to make sure it didn't get infected or leave marks as it healed. At the beginning of the third day, Silas let me loose and had me go through my usual day—training, chores, etc—without replenishment. It was grueling and degrading. I held my head high through it all, never allowing myself to break. Never allowing Silas to see just how deeply he'd hurt me.

He couldn't know leaving me on that post without any type of sustenance proved I wasn't crazy. The mind fog cleared after the first twenty-four hours.

On the fourth day, when I was allowed to break my fast, the mind fog came back. And I had my answer.

I was on a downward spiral from there.

My mind, heart and soul were an emotional wreck. Everything seemed bleak and hopeless.

I knew it was the demon's blood toxin that was making me feel this way. However, until it wasn't being administered to me anymore, I would continue to feel its negative side effects. It was really a terrible cycle.

And so, I started taking to the perimeter every night. I ran. I ran and ran and ran until my paws were raw and bleeding. And I kept running. The ground beneath my paws was relaxing. I could lose myself in the monotony of it. Of the intense burning I felt in my lungs and body as I ran for hours. It was the one thing I had control over.

One day during training, I overheard Lucien's name and instantly zeroed in on the conversation. Silas's beta and another wolf were gossiping about how Harley, my blood brother, had been the one to off Lucien. They were taking bets on how he accomplished that task, since they knew he could shape shift into anyone or anything. They wondered if Harley had shown up to Lucien as me, or as Ty.

I was instantly sick to my stomach and I turned tail and sprinted into the house, looking for Silas. To the only being on that damned compound I felt comfortable with. Tears threatened to fall. My heart was barely holding it together. I could barely breathe, praying what they said wasn't true. I barged in on Silas in his study. "Is it true!?" I shouted, the tears leaking down my face. There was no way I could remain calm and composed.

Silas seemed a bit taken aback by my outburst. "Is what true?" he asked, instantly in motion. He stepped towards me, as if to take me into his arms and comfort me. I shook my head and backed away. Confused. Why was he acting like he cared? He hurt me! Why was I even here?

He paused.

I fought the bile in my throat and said a little more calmly, "Is it true that Lucien is dead?"

"Lucien Knight?" he asked for clarification.

I nodded, praying to God whatever Silas said wouldn't shatter me.

"Yes, he is."

I lost it. A heartbreaking wail left my chest as I fell to the floor on my knees. "No!" I screamed. This couldn't be true!

Silas, as much as I didn't want his consolation, knelt down and held me through the storm. Once I calmed down, he sat on the floor with his back to the wall and pulled me more securely to his side, comforting me as a father would comfort a child. I didn't have the energy to fight him, to disengage from him. "Why are you so upset by this, child?" he asked.

Child. I hated how he called me that. It was almost like a tactic to keep me in a submissive mindset. As much as I didn't want to speak to him, the words came spilling out anyway. I told him my life's story. Or at least what I could remember. I told him how Hans treated me. How he stripped me of one of the most sacred rights and left me for dead. I explained in great detail how Lucien found me, how he adopted me and treated me as his own daughter. I told him about my time in Dante's cavern of death and how we survived. More stories kept spilling out and I couldn't stop them. I had to wonder, as I fell silent, if Silas would punish me for such an outburst of emotion.

The injuries I suffered, the memory loss that was still prevalent, robbed me of the last, precious moments I'd had with him. They had been stolen from me. And I think that was one of the hardest, most frustrating things I'd ever had to face. To accept.

Silas's heavy sigh made me tense. I was waiting for the gavel to come down. "I am sorry for your loss, Jadea," he started. And then he went into his own story, of what he heard of Lucien's death. It wasn't at all like the chatter and gossip his wolves were going on about. Lucien passed because he had been on a fool's errand for Constance. An errand I, myself, was supposed to be a part of. He passed because I had not gotten there in time.

The revelation I had failed my only father figure destroyed me.

I receded into myself and asked if I could be excused for the rest of the day. Silas agreed and I drug myself into my room. Instead of lying on the bed, I tucked myself into a corner and stared at the knife in my hand.

I could have ended this pain easily. I knew where to cut to inflict the most damage with the least amount of pain. I could have slid into the arms of death peacefully without anyone knowing the wiser. However, I didn't deserve such an easy and painless way to go. No. I deserved to feel pain. To be so entrenched in it, I could atone for my sins. For all the pain and suffering I had caused to so many.

I was the problem, the weak link.

I had failed my pack.

I had failed Lucien.

And I was certain I somehow failed my mate.

It all led back to me.

I kicked my pants off and traced my inner thighs with the blade, feeling the sharp edge cut into flesh. The pain was almost therapeutic in a way.

As I sat there, a broken shell of a woman, of a wolf, I felt my resolve weakening. I felt my very soul fracture. I wasn't sure I would ever be able to ever recover from this. And I didn't know if I wanted to. If I had the will to pull myself out of this dark hole I was spiraling into.

Deep within me, I felt my wolf's essence seep into my mind. She had been quiet, distant. Which wasn't normal for us. We were usually enmeshed in one another, co-existing. But something had happened. Something so tragic had taken place, our harmony had been lost.

We will find it again, she whispered, strength in her voice and spirit. We will survive this, just like we have survived everything else.

As much as I loved her vote of confidence, I wasn't so sure.

Sleep, she insisted, forcing me into a healing sleep.