Reclaiming Her Heart

Chapter 63 - Self Loathing

Song Inspo: "The Night We Met" by Lord Huron

Jadea

I'd forced the harrowing details of that night into the void of my mind shortly after it happened. Forcing myself to forget so I could survive, because I hated myself for what I'd been forced to do. The memories only shaken loose because I knew I was finally safe.

After killing him, Silas took me to the post and whipped me again for good measure because I hadn't listened the first time. He told me I had to listen to him. I couldn't ever question his direct orders, or else.

I'd wanted to ask him: or else what? But, the severe brutality of the whipping did not allow for any conversation and left me unconscious by the time he was done. When I woke up, I was so disoriented, I didn't know what day or time it was—

I don't know what snagged my attention. Instinctively, I brushed Adam's and Caden's minds, making sure they were okay. Knowing what they'd witnessed could have triggered them. Adam was okay.

But Caden was a different story.

Instantly, my mind was interconnected with his, trying to figure out what set him off.

"Jadea, stop!" he snapped, his mind slamming shut. But it was too late.

Within the depths of his mind, I realized who I'd killed.

Shit!

"Pineapple!" I screamed, instantly struggling against the restraints as my mind dove into the instant, inky darkness of despair for the second time that night.

No, no, no. No! NO!

This couldn't be!

Tears were instantly streaming down my face. "Get me out of here!" I commanded, the ropes suffocating. Holding me prisoner. They both actively worked to get me free.

Adam's confused mind merged with mine, trying to understand what set me off, but my mind was a jumbled mess.

The instant I was free, I turned to Caden my broken and apprehensive gaze searching his. I wanted to run to him. To beg him for forgiveness.

He stood still, his guarded gaze watching me.

I didn't know where to begin for this unforgivable sin.

I'd murdered one of Caden's pack mates: Cory.

I'd killed a friend.

An innocent.

I hadn't recognized him!

But that didn't matter! I knew I'd known him!

He'd helped me in my plight against the immortal trafficking rings. He'd even helped save Blade and Persephone...

And this was how I'd repaid him?

"Oh, f**k," Adam's muttered expletive ripped through the silence as he finally realized what set me off. As he recognized the wolf I'd been forced to kill.

"Caden," my agonized voice sounded so small in the confines of that room. "I didn't know. I'm so sorry," I sobbed, falling to my knees. Praying he could forgive me, because I knew I would never be able to forgive myself. Curling into myself, I gripped fistfuls of my own hair and screamed agonizingly. Hating Silas and Morgal. Hating myself even more because I gave into my own weakness. My own selfishness.

"Jadea," Caden's strong voice barely registered before his arms wrapped around me, hoisting me up against his chest. His mind melted into mine and in the depths, I knew he did not blame me for Cory's death.

"I... I need to get out of here," I wheezed, the walls closing in.

I was too far gone in my self-destruction, I couldn't fully comprehend what Caden was trying to relay to me.

When I tried to get up, Caden's hold tightened. "No. You need to listen to me," he growled. "You need to hear me, Jadea." His hands framed my face, forcefully making me look at him. "You. Are not to blame for this," he stated firmly. Evenly. "He was dead either way. He knew that. I do not resent you or blame you for his death."

This should have reassured me. Should have assuaged some of the pain. But it didn't.

I was spiraling.

"I want to run." I whispered, my throat thick, my tears trailing fiery paths down my skin. I squinted my eyes shut, so I didn't have to look upon him. My hands clung onto his, as his fingers held firm on either side of my face. I didn't deserve someone like him. Not after what I had done.

"You need to say your affirmations," Caden bargained, knowing I was not being kind to myself.

Shaking my head, I stated brokenly, "I will take the punishment."

"You will say them now," his alpha bore down on mine.

"I can't!" I exploded, finally breaking free from his hold. Landing hard on my ass, I stammered, "I can't say them because I don't believe them! I hate myself! I am weak because I allowed him to break me! I killed him," I wailed. Shouted. Screamed. "The world is not a better place because of me!" I raged beyond reason.

Shoving my way out of the room, I sprinted for the front door. Pausing at the threshold, I tearfully glanced at my pack as they all stared blankly at me—wondering what they were thinking but too afraid to know—before bounding out the door and shifting on the run. The beautiful baby doll outfit tearing to pieces as I tore through the dark, ominous night. Lightning lit the sky as thunder clashed above. The storm directly overhead. Rain pouring from the sky.

It mirrored my darkened mood.

And yet, it was also cleansing.

I thought about running just the perimeter, but I knew I would drive myself mad running in circles tonight. No. Tonight I couldn't stay here.

Everything inside was wound too tight. I was too broken. Too ... everything! I needed the ley lines! I had this feeling they were the only way I would be able to come back from this precipice of madness I found myself precariously balancing on.

Ley lines, to us primitive wolves, was a direct source to the earth's magic. They were healing. Soothing. And, allowed us to connect with our primitive powers easier.

I was hoping they ley lines would allow me to connect with my wolf.

My pack had reinstated their oaths—their bonds—and I had re-initiated my mate's bond with Adam. I wasn't sure what other bond needed to be mended other than the one with my primitive wolf. Maybe, the ley lines would help me re-connect with that most primal part of myself, and subsequently with my wolf.

"Agamemnon, I'm going to the ley lines." I stated, reaching out to him. I wasn't going to stop. I couldn't stop. I was on a rampage. I needed to run. To get as far away from everything as possible.

Right as I was about to step foot off the property, Agamemnon replied, "Constance gave direct orders not to set foot off the property. Not until she comes to speak with you."

Frustration, sharp and vengeful, crashed through me violently. The uncontrolled fury taking hold.

Right as I was about to disregard this direct order from Constance, Agamemnon teleported directly before me. Skidding to a stop, I snarled. "Get out of my way," I snapped, baring my teeth.

"No."

"I need to go to the ley lines."

"There is a full moon tonight, even if you can't see it," Agamemnon stated gently. "You do not need the ley lines."

"Yes I do!" I roared, panic rearing its ugly head. If I couldn't connect with my wolf... The only way I'd been able to connect so deeply with myself was when I was at the ley lines. Lucien taught me--

"No, you don't," he reiterated sternly. "Trust me. I can help you."