Written by the Moon

31~ PAGMAMAHAL SA KAPAREHA

Tatlong araw ko nang kinulong ang sarili sa aking silid. Nang malaman na napadalas na ang pagbibisita ni Forest dito, nawawalan lang ako ng gana na lumabas ka kuwarto. After what the Goddess has responded to me, I know what the right thing to do is. And that is to distance myself from Forest.

It took for me to realize what I feel for Forest. I guess I was blinded because of my mission. Pero sa totoo lang, sana nagbulagbulagan nalang ako. Sana gano’n nalang para hindi na humantong sa ganito. Mas lalo lang humirap ang sitwasyon ko. Namin ni Forest.

I glanced at my window. Explosions of warm colors invaded the morning sky. I blinked with my sleepy eyes as I looked at my window. Nasa likuran ko naman, ang balcony. Simula noong nagrespond ang Diyosa sa akin, malimit na akong tumitingin sa balcony kung saan natatanaw ko palagi ang buwan.

Natatakot siguro ako. Maybe because I sinned.

I closed my eyes again when I felt the tight pain in my heart. Matapos kong mapagtanto na my nararamdaman naman pala ako kay Forest, mas lalo kong pinapakinggan ang aking puso. I hve been more attentive of it. Nangyari ang lahat na ito dahil hindi ko man lang pinapakinggan ang aking puso.

Pero ngayon, sana hindi nalang ako nakinig. Mas lalo ko lang nasasaktan ang sarili. Sino nga naman ako? Who am I to feel this pain? I am not the mate here. I laughed without humor.

I guess, we love each other yet we can’t be together. It’s a sin. To the eyes of the Goddess and a crime to the laws of Athanatoss. How tragic. And what’s more tragic, I hold the destiny of Forest and Zafeya. If I can’t do my mission correctly, I’ll die.

If I let my heart speak, I’ll die. Not just me. Even Forest will suffer and die. So, is it worth it? No.

I have been reflecting these days. I have to admit. I once thought about running with Forest. Nanaginip ako na nagtanan kami. Namuhay ng masaya at nagmamahalan pero napakalabong mangyari. I smiled as I looked at the ceiling.

Why would my fate be like this? Was I destined to love him? Tadhana ba ‘to? Or is the Goddess testing my love and faith? I curled on my bed when I got tired thinking. These days, all I ever did was to think. Thinking about me and Forest.

Thinking about us. I sighed.

I heard a knock and I already knew who it is. The door opened and Christiana appeared. She had a tray with her for my breakfast. Nakangiti itong sumalubong sa akin ngunti mahihimigan ang lungkot sa mata. Siya lang naman ang nakakaalam tungkol sa nangyari sa akin. I still don’t have the strength to tell Mark everything. Ayoko siyang madamay.

I sat on my bed and rested my back. She still has her smile on. I rolled my eyes when I sensed that she wants to comfort me. Tatlong araw nan ang walang tigil siyang pagcomfort sa akin. I am not hating it. It’s just weird seeing her so concerned about me. I’m not used to it.

“Stop smiling, Tiana. It is not working,”

Her smile faded bitterly as she placed the tray on my bed. She sighed when she still sensed the heavy atmosphere in my room. I shook my head and looked at my breakfast. Pinaalam ni Tiana kay Mark at sa iba na may sakit ako. It’s her excuse and I hope it’s working.

“Lalabas na ako ngayon,” I drank on the glass of water.

Tumango ito at naghihintay pa sa susunod kong sasabihin ngunit nagpatuloy na ako sa pagkain. Nakakaumay din dito sa loob.

“I told Forest to not visit for a while?”

Tumaas ang kilay ko.

“For a while? Dapat hindi na talaga,”

She sighed. I may talk like this but trust me I’m crushing inside. I never knew that it would be this hard. I swallowed hard.

“That’s a good mindset.”

Napatingin ako sa kan’ya pabalik. She looks like she trusts me with this yet I am already having second thoughts. I am already thinking about running away with Forest. Binalik ko ang titig sa pagkain nang maramdaman ang titig nito.

“I’ll focus more on writing in the next days.”

“Mabuti ‘yan. Just don’t follow your heart. Don’t listen to it. If you have to abandon it, do it,” nahihimigan ko ang takot sa tinig ni Tiana. Ramdam ko ‘yon. Kung sa bagay, nadaanan na niya ito. Naranasan na niya ang mamatayan kaya baka ayaw niya maramdaman iyon ulit. Ang sakit na mawalan.

I nodded as I ate my breakfast.

“It’s not that hard,” I said just to fill the silence in my room.

There was a pause until I felt Tiana’s hand on my shoulder. She had this comforting yet concerned look. I eyed her as she sighed. Nag-aalinlangan pa itong magsalita.

“Makinig ka, maraming uri ng pagmamahal. Sa mundong ito, merong pagmamahal sa Diyosa ng Buwan, pagmamahal sa kapwa, at ang pagmamahal sa kapareha. Sa ating mundo, isa lang. Ang pagmamahal sa Diyosa ng Buwan. Hindi ko kailanman naramdaman ang ibang pagmahahal kundi ang pagmamahal lamang sa Diyosa ng Buwan. Hindi ko alam kung anong meron sa pagmamahal sa kapareha pero nakita ko ito noon. It’s strong and wielding. Natatakot ako para sa’yo pero may tiwala ako. Makakaya mo ang lahat ng ito, Nav.”

Its strong and wielding. Tama siya. Ang nararamdaman ko ngayon ay unting-unti akong kinukumbinsi na sumunod na lamang sa aking puso at huwag na sundin ang iba pa. That the love Forest and I have can conquer all the waves when it cannot. Yes, it can wield the waves but the Goddess controls the waves. So, how? Paano kami mabubuhay na nagmamahalan sa mundong ito?

“I need time, Tiana. But I will give Forest what he deserves and leave this place with a successful mission. That is my promise to myself.”

No matter how much I love him, he has Zafeya to run to. The Goddess is still there to embrace me. So, we wouldn’t lose everything. We still have something to run to. I had to let go or else it’s dangerous for me and Forest. And I need to let him understand that we can’t be together. He might know that by now but I need to slap him with the reality.

I took a cold bath. I covered myself with cold water because this is the only treatment I can give Forest. Kailangan kong maging malamig sa kan’ya. Masakit, oo. Pero para lamang ito sa kan’ya. Para ito sa kan’ya.

I went out of my room with the warmest hug from Mark. I smiled sadly. This man trusts me so much yet I can’t give him that back. Each day, I know I am hurting him secretly. One day, when the situation is fixed, I can finally tell him everything. I just need the perfect timing. Not now when I might risk him.

“I was worried.”

The hug tightened and loosened. I smiled at him as I saw the relief on his face.

“I have recovered now,”

Tumatango ito habang tinitingnan ang aking kabuuan. He pouted as he surveyed.

“Forest was really worried about you, you know?” he asked casually.

I sighed and my smile faded. I tried to bring it back but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t when my heart is broken. I couldn’t with the thought that he is killing himself when he worried about me, even visiting me.

I nodded.

“Silang Sham? Michelle at Jedi?” iniba ko ang usapan.

“They were worried too. They’re in the kitchen preparing something for you.”

I pouted, trying to hide a smile.

“I didn’t know that they’ll be worried,” I started walking to the kitchen.

“Oh, don’t tell them they’re preparing something for you.”

My brows furrowed.

“Bakit naman?”

He chuckled.

“It’s supposed to be a secret. Just act surprised.”

I nodded as I laughed with him. I smiled realizing I can’t fully laugh and smile without him. he has been my companion for years. He’s now a friend and a brother.

As soon as I arrived at the kitchen, the smell of cookies invaded the area. my tummy grumbled as I entered. I heard annoyed groans as we entered the kitchen. Mark only laughed as Sham tried punching her but Mark was able to avoid her punches. Michelle pouted. I smiled as I saw Jedi mouthed a warning to Mark.

I shook my head as I searched for the newly baked cookies. I am not seeing them anywhere in the kitchen. Only its mouth-watering smell. Lumingon ako kay Mark at nakitang nagbabardagulan pa sila. Mark already started to ask for help but I only shrugged my shoulders at him.

“Nav! Help me,” he tried to dodge Sham’s punch but failed this time resulting in cheers for the girls.

My eyes wanted to look for the cookies but they were so fun to look at that they stole my attention.

“I got you!” Sham exclaimed as she punched Mark on his chest for the third time now.

“Where are the cookies?”

Jedi laughed at me. I am trying to be patient now.

“Turned around,” sabi ni Michelle at kinuha na ang isang pistel na gatas.

Umiling ako sa kanila at lumingon sa aking likuran. I smiled thinking about the cookies. Matagal na rin noong huling kain ko nito. I excitedly turned around but my smile never lasted.

My smile dropped as I saw the man standing in front of me. With his warm smile yet brooding eyes he held the tray of the cookies. I listened to my heart attentively this time. It’s going haywire. Napalunok ako nang lumapit ito sa counter, malapit sa akin.

Pinakinggan ko ng maigi ang puso. Sabik na sabik. Sabik ito sa kan’ya. Masaya ito na nakita siya ngayon. Ang sakit? Biglang nawala at naglaho? Pinakiramdaman ko ulit ang sarili at kahit kirot, wala. Lumuwag ang puso ko nang masilayan siya. Ganito pala.

Seeing him is peace. Why did I realize that now? So, this is how it feels then when you let your heart free.

Ganito pala ang sinasabi ni Tiana. Ang pagmamahal sa kapareha. Nakakatuwa lang na hindi ko naman siya kapareha ngunit nararamdaman ko ito sa kan’ya at siya rin… nakaramdaman ng ganito sa akin. Isang misteryo. Isang misteryo ang pag-ibig namin.

To be continued…