Written by the Moon

32~ NO FINISH LINE

Pati si Tiana nabigla nalang din nang makita sa Forest sa hapagkainan. Tahimik na lamang ako habang lumalalim na ang kanilang usapan. I didn’t have to question why he’s here. It’ll only make the others curious. Magtataka naman sila kung bakit hindi ko nagustuhan ang presensya ni Forest.

Alam nila na nasa aking kamay ang tadhana ni Forest kaya tama lang na isipin nila na civil kami. I wished I’d just simply say no all the time but the hawk-like eyes of Mark just stopped me from doing anything. He has been vey attentive of my very actions these days.

Ngayon ko lang din ‘yon napansin. I sighed as I looked at them having a good conversation. It even got more uncomfortable when Jedi opened up about Forest’s relationship with Zafeya. I looked at him as he did the same. Like he was waiting for my approval.

It felt disgusting. Parang kabit lang ako. I swallowed hard how this situation I have with Forest is just so forbidden in the eyes of everyone. I looked away when I couldn’t stand his eyes. Napatingin nalang tuloy ako kay Tiana na napansin ang galawan namin ni Forest. Umiling ito ng bahagya sa akin. Tumango nalang ako bilang tugon.

Parang ako lang ata nahihirapan sa aming sitwasyon. Why does it seem to easy for him? Parang wala lang sa kan’ya ang lahat na nangyari. Mas lalo lang akong naiinis dito. Oo, naganahan ako nang makita siya kanina. That’s one thing so hard to deny.

I just want him out of my sight or I’ll be tempted. Umiiwas ako para magawa ko ang trabaho nang maayos pero heto siya, palaging nakasunod sa akin. Gusto ko man pero napakadelikado. Nanatili na lamang akong tahimik. The least I can do is to just don’t interact. And that’s also the least he can do ngunit kahit gano’n man, nahihirapan ata siyang gawin ‘yon.

“Have you recovered, Nav?” he asked as everyone focused on me.

Tiana eyed me that I just want to roll my eyes at her. I swallowed hard before answering him with my sarcastic smile. I hope he gets that I am not liking how he is enjoying every minute here.

“You must be blind then to not see me.”

He smirked. I felt the tingle in my stomach.

“Fortunately, I can see how you beautifully compliment your dress.”

My sarcastic smile faded with his line. I felt even more uncomfortable! Napakalandi! I looked at the others. I sighed in relief as I saw them laugh. They must have thought that Forest joked. Mas mabuti na ‘yon. Lumingon ako kay Tiana at nakita na nhihirapan pang sumabay sa kanilang tawa. Napailing na lamang ako.

I wanted to laugh sarcastically yet I couldn’t do it. I was affected by what he said. He said I’m beautiful. It’s the first time I’ve heard that my smile couldn’t contain. Forest just has his ways through his words. I just wish I won’t ever get swayed.

“Edi sana hindi kana nagtanong,”

“I want to know if you’re doing okay,” he carefully asked with his attentive eyes on me. Like he’s pertaining to a different thing.

“Do I look like I’m dying?”

He smiled, stifling a laugh.

“No, Nav.”

“Then that’s the answer.”

Nakatitig lang ito sa akin. I shifted from my seat when I felt his eyes so burning deep within me. I looked away and drank a cup of milk. I pursed my lips as I noticed he has looked away too and focused more on his conversation with the others.

I stood up and excused myself when I couldn’t stand breathing in the same air with Forest. I could smell him. And he smells so good. Nakakaliyo ang kan’yang bango. Ngayon ko lang ‘to napansin. I never knew that I’d go crazy with just a scent. I had to leave or else I’ll be smitten with him.

I walked to my bedroom and even before I could open the door to my bedroom. I noticed a letter peeking outside of my door. At kahit hindi ko na buksan ang sulat alam ko na kanina galling ito. Forest scent is all over the paper.

I licked my lips as I picked up the paper. I breathed heavily as I opened the letter. I can’t believe this. Umalis ako sa lamesa para hindi maramdaman ang kan’yang presenya ngunit heto ako. Langhap na langhap ang bango ni Forest.

The worst part is I’m enjoying every bit of this. Damn!

I know you don’t want to see me. I just can’t help it. Don’t worry, I will choose Zafeya just as you want. Just let me love you freely as it lasts.

                                                                                                     Forest

I stared at the letter for a while. I sat on my bed as I digested all the words in his letter. I listened to my heartbeat. My breathing fastened. Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman sa sulat na ito. I felt the pain in my chest but my mind also felt relieved after reading the letter. And when the heart and mind just do not agree with each other, everything just falls out of place.

I sat in the far corner of my room. Sitting here still thinking of the letter. Nandito parin sa akin kamay. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko ito pinapakalawan at pauli-ulit ang pagbabasa ko dito. Natawa ako. Parang sinasaktan ko lang ang aking sarili. Ganito na ba kababaw ang gagawin ko sa aking sarili?

Paulit-ulit nalang ba ang sakit? I swallowed hard. Napakahirap pala. Sinarado ko naang sulat at napatingin na lamang sa kisame. Kakalimutan na niya ako. Tama iyon pero tutol ang puso ko. Okay lang naman sa akin pero ayaw ng puso ko. Gusto rin nito sumaya.

I have the Goddess with me and Forest has Zafeya. So, we both won’t lose. It is just funny how destiny played with me. I mean, it could have been somebody else and not me. I can’t handle the pain. The pain of losing him when I once held his arm and he held mine.

We could have made it. But it’s just impossible.

We can’t make it.

The next days were school. And because I had three absents, I had a lot to catch up to. nagpasalamat na rin ako na gano’n. It kept me busy. The hustle made me forget about him. I focused more on school. It was a way to convert my attention.  Just to keep Forest away from my eyes and heart. And if I even saw him coming, I’d just easily dodge and remember about my school works.

But of course, that was only temporary. As soon as I was able to catch up with the lessons, my schedule loosened. I noticed him more. Palagi niyang kasama si Zafeya ngunit ang mga mata nito ay nasa akin. Is he even making efforts on forgetting about me?

Hindi ko alam kung sincere ba siya kay Zafeya. I don’t like the way he’s using her if he really is using her. It won’t sit right to me. It made me guilty and disgusted with myself. Forest is secretly making me his mistress emotionally. I just shook my head and ate my lunch in this suffocating cafeteria.

The next days were still the same. He kept on following Zafeya but secretly looked for me. Well, he did say he’d love me until it last. If this is his way, maybe, I’ll just let him be. I won’t look for his eyes. Kung kakalimutan na niya ako, mas mabuti din na kalimutan ko narin siya.

Hindi naman pwede na ako lang maghihirap sa aming dalawa. Kailangan ko ding kalimutan siya. Dahil sa simula palang, hindi na kami pwede. Tanggap na niya iyon kaya tanggapin ko nalang din. Lumingon ako sa kan’yang direksyon. He laughed with Zafeya’s group of friends. He looked happy.

But, then he slightly looked in my direction and our eyes met. He smiled warmly. He’s moving on. At masaya siyang ginagawa iyon. Mabuti kung gano’n. I looked away as Zafeya called him and whispered at him. I swallowed hard. He’s moving on happily yet I can’t still put in my mind to move on and free myself from this.

Why does it seem so easy with him yet just the thought of letting my love go for him is dying? I’m just so close to him. He’s reachable but impossible. We love each other but just can’t be together. It’s like he’s so close but just far enough for me to not reach him.

And now that he’s finally letting go, why does it seem so unfair? Bakit parng laro lang ito? Parang ginawa lang akong laruan ng tadahana. Nakakatawa. What did I ever do wrong for destiny to fool me? To the point that I get badly hurt. Letting him go is already hard to do. How will I ever move on?

I sighed as I attended the next class. Mabuti nalang nagagawa kong kalimutan si Forest pansamantala kapag nasa klase ako pero kapag tapos naman ang klase, doon na naman siya kakatok sa isip ko, naghihintay na tanggapin ng aking isipan.

I went to the parking lot after the class. Gusto ko nalang talagang umuwi. Nakakapagod din kapag pinipilit mo ang sarili na kalimutan ang isang tao na malaki ang epekto sayo. I waited at the parking lot pero wala parin ang iba. Tiningnan ko ang orasan sa aking cellphone at nakita ang isang text ni Sham.

Sham:

We went home first. Sorry!

May kasunod naman itong text.

Sham:

Si Forest na hahatid sayo. Ingat!

My shoulders dropped as I looked at the last text message. The heck. No way! I raised my head back to search for Tiana’s car but instead of Tiana’s car, I saw Forest with his car waiting for me. This got to be a joke.

“I’ll take you home,” there it is again, his warm smile. The smile he shows me.

I sighed. What am I gonna do now? The mansion has a long way to go. It’s a thirty-minute drive there. Napalunok na lamang ako at pumasok na sa kan’yang sasakyan.

Tahimik ang buong biyahe. Hindi ako nagsasalita at ganoon din siya. Nagpasalamat ako doon. I just want a peaceful drive back to the mansion. But damn, his scent is not making this drive back home peaceful. I can’t even sleep because of a freaking smell!

To be continued…