LOST TO LUST

How it started

"My name is Anna Barnes, I got married to the love of my life, Daniel Barnes at age 17, and my marriage is blessed with two beautiful kids. I work at a Marketing firm while my husband is a chef, he has his restaurant. His parents were also into the restaurant business so it was not a surprise when he told me of his decision to open his restaurant, "Barnes Cuisine".

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and the first ten years were so full of love and emotions, the last five years have been more of enduring him, I keep trying to call his attention to the barricade between us, but he sees nothing wrong with us... I paused at the gesture of my psychotherapist, Mr. Walter signaling me to stop, I've been so focused on the piece of art hanging on the wall while narrating my story to him, so I did not notice him at first when he asked me to stop.

"Sorry to interrupt you, Anna, but when exactly did you clock the 15 years mark?? Walter asked.

"Four months ago, we celebrated our anniversary exactly four months ago" I emphasized, looked away for a minute and I continued when Walter made a gesture to carry on while he jotted some things down.

"I've tried severally to talk to Daniel but he changes the topic each time, it is as if he doesn't see or hear me anymore. My husband is the only man I've ever been with my whole life, he is my first love and I never cheated on him, not once throughout our fifteen years…" a tear rolled down my eye as I made the last statement

"Use this" Walter handed a white handkerchief to me, he was seated across me and he had a pack of the towel on the wooden stool beside him, I guess he already knew it would always come to the tears...

"Take your time please, we could take a break too if you'd like to," he asked and he closed the jotter on his laps.

"Ohhh no no, I'm okay, I said with a forced smile on my face.

"you're a strong woman Anna, mistakes are what makes us human, no one is above it, but how we handle these mistakes is what defines us. You have realized your mistake and now making an effort to rectify and make things right, so don't feel ashamed or blame yourself for it...

"Can it ever be the same? I mean can things go back to how they were before with Daniel and me? I quickly chip in.

"We are responsible for our actions but we are not free from the results or consequences. Let us take it a step at a time, I believe things will definitely go back to how exactly you want it and even better than they were but you have to trust the process. Help me so that I can help you, how did you get here? What exactly happened within these four months after your anniversary? What are you so scared of? Give me answers to these questions and I would be able to help you, if you continue to hide the truth, then there is little or nothing I can do... Walter clarified as he opened his jotter again and started writing some things down.

"I'm not hiding the truth, you can not understand me, and you'd just judge me" the tears have now become more and I kept wiping my eyes but the tears were adamant, they kept coming…

"Anna, you have no business sitting here with me if you don't trust me, I hope you know that whatever you say here, stays in this room, and even your husband won't hear about it without your consent. The last thing I would do is judge you, I want you to see this session as though you are chatting with your best friend, feel free, let go and let those words flow like your tears." He smiled at me and I smiled back genuinely for the first time in weeks.

"How did you spend your anniversary this year? He finally went back to the real topic.

"We didn't do much, well, he had plans for the day, he already booked a photo session for later that day with the kids like we always do and dinner too but we had to cancel because I had a work dinner that same day. He wasn't too happy about it but I couldn't call off the dinner, I was meeting a big client and the company would not even have agreed…

"Are you sure that was the only reason you canceled on your husband? I mean you said earlier that he is the only man you have ever been with since you got into the "relationship world" he smiled again but I didn't this time, I only smirked. "Has it ever occurred to you that you got to this place because you wanted more from your marriage, something more than the usual robotic plans you followed each year? In a nutshell, I think you wanted to explore and try other or new things. Do you agree with me or do you still stand on the reason you gave yourself for skipping your anniversary plans? He asked with his eyes fixed on mine.

"I hate to admit it but you are right, I wanted something different..." I said with so much enthusiasm as I adjusted to the edge of my chair closing in on the distance between Walter and me. "Everything is just the same as they were fifteen years ago, we do the same thing each year, we go to the same places, take pictures in the same positions… heck! We make love the same way. My husband looked at me like I'm crazy the first time I tried to initiate some positions in bed. He called it "weird" and said they were only for young couples still dating… I'm just 32 years old, how can I be old this early…"

"Do you mind?" Walter handed another handkerchief to me which I quickly grabbed from him.

"How did you get here Anna? Don't keep those secrets bottled in, when exactly do you think you crossed the line?

"It all started that day, four months ago on our anniversary, during the work dinner. I crossed the line that night and it ruined me"...

Beep! Beep!! Beep!!! The alarm clock on the wall beeped. " oops, your time is up, but we can do another hour if that's what you want"

"Oh no, it's alright, I have some other things to attend to as well" I quickly picked up my bag and made for the door.

"Should I be expecting you on Friday Anna? Walter asked while still relaxed in his cushion chair.

I did not wait to answer him before I left, leaving his room was like going back to my misery, it was easy to forget all my troubles while with him.