Delirium

I always knew that I had a huge passion for several things that were really awkward for most of the people. Things that would make me look like a huge freak. Things that I kept to myself because I knew that nobody expected such thoughts and actions from me. I had no problem with keeping them to myself since some things lost their beauty as soon as they got discovered. »Yo, stop staring at him! You’re being too awkward!« Alexa turned my face towards her and made me look at her. She knew that I couldn’t stop myself from staring at Xaviar for too long.  Xaviar was the most beautiful guy on this planet... in my eyes. I knew that popular high school boys always hit different but Xaviar was interesting. He wasn’t mean or too confident. He wasn’t selfish or one of the athletic guys. He wasn’t a typical popular guy. He was just lovely... sympathetic... I’ve never seen anybody hate him. He was too polite and fine to be hated. It’s been a year since I had a crush on him. Since the day I bumped into him at lunch and almost spilled my juice on him. I remember how embarrassed I was at first but he comforted me with a smile, put his hand on my arm and said “be careful”. Everything went too fast and he disappeared with his clique. I thought he would be mad and tell me to get out of his way but he wasn’t that kind of guy..  »Alex, it’s not in my hand!«  »You’re a hopeless romantic.«  I shrugged and decided to glance over at him one last time. Checking him out during lunch was my favorite thing to do.  His bright hair was messy.. he was smiling, not only with his lips.. also with his eyes. It was obvious that he was a positive person. His lips seemed so kissable and his nose looked like god thought of perfection while creating it. He was a little taller than me.  We already talked a few times. Mostly when we had classes together. We were also following each other on social media. Most of the posts in my stories were for him. Okay. All of them. Unfortunately I never got his attention.  I couldn’t say that it was hard to get his attention because of all the girls around him. He wasn’t a fuckboy. That’s why it was so hard. He was interested in other things that boobs and butts and all that stuff. He was the guy who needed a girl with brain and humor. He needed me. I wish he would’ve known that.  »I heard his brother is throwing a party again. This weekend?! I don’t remember.« she tilted her head a little bit with furrowed eyebrows, trying to remember when it was. She got a little bit of my attention. »His brother?« I asked. She nodded and took a bite of her toast. »Yeah, I think he’s in college or something. Somehow everybody here knows him. I already told you about him, remember?« she explained, still chewing. I had to smile. »I remember. Totally forgot about him.« I shook my head. »Right. We know who the center of your attention is. If we manage to go to the party, you could try to be the center of his attention too.« I loved how she was always so optimistic and got me hyped about stuff that meant a lot to me, even when I couldn’t give her that energy. That didn’t mean that I was pessimistic or a lame person. I was just quiet. Had my own world. There was more about me than anybody else would’ve thought.  »How are we going to get an invitation to that party?« I asked. She snorted and leaned in. »V. In this century... people do not wait for invitations. They hear about a party and just go. There ain’t no "hey, I’m throwing a party on Friday! It would be amazing to see you there!"« she said it with a huge smile and the voice of a little child. I had to laugh.  »You’re stupid.« I laughed. »Come on let’s get up. I still want to get some air before I’m going to nap in ms. I-like-to-talk-slower-than-my-own-grandpa’s class.« I had to laugh again. She always made me laugh. Especially when she changed her voice. She was my own personal goof.  We stood up and left the table. »Isn’t ist crazy that she’s not married yet. She’s probable already a hundred years old.«  I wanted to say something but my eyes met Xaviar’s… And everything slowed down… He looked right at me and didn’t break the eye contact, although a few people walked past us and cut our sight for a second.  I couldn’t be the only one who was feeling it. I couldn’t be the only one who knew that this moment was really tiny and probably normal to others but really important. I couldn’t be the only one who got goosebumps and felt that special type of way.. I couldn’t be the only one… When we took a step outside I realized that Alexa was still talking. I couldn’t catch up with her so I just kept on listening… ⚡︎ I was helping mom with dinner when I thought of what Alex said.  If it was really his brother who was throwing the party then he was definitely going to be there and it was probably a really good opportunity to get to know him a little better. Parties made getting to know people better way easier.  »What are you thinking about?« she asked while I got the chicken out of the freezer.  Mom and I had a pretty good relationship. We started arguing less after dad left us five years ago. Probably because we were alone and needed to get along somehow. I’m glad it turned out that way.  Unfortunately it changed after her new boyfriend entered our life… her life. He didn’t get to reach mine yet, although he was living with us. He’s been with us for a year but somehow I couldn’t stand him. He was okay but he needed to stop trying. He was never going to be my stepdad, my buddy or something else. He was just her boyfriend and that’s all he was ever going to be.  It was obvious that I had problems with letting new people in. Or letting anybody in at all. I appreciated that the relationship between mom and me was so strong that I could tell her everything but since Graham entered her life, she seemed more distracted with him. It’s not like I was a little child who needed her attention. I wanted her to be happy again. I genuinely cared about her feelings and it made me happy to see that she was able to love again but that didn’t mean that I needed to love him too. I wasn’t the girl with daddy issues. I was able to love and trust too. I wasn’t the girl who was depressed and anxious. I was proud to say that I handled all the arguments, divorce and endless fights very very well. I was glad that it was over and that both of them finally got to live their own lives, separated from each other. I was sad. But if that was going to make them happy again… then it was the right thing. I was just really specific, careful and distant when it came to men who decided to spend time with my mom and in my eyes that’s pretty normal.  I was respecting Graham. I was polite and never did more than I had to. None of them could’ve expected more from me. »Are you thinking of Xaviar?« her crooked smile told me that she already knew it. I had to smile. Of course she knew about my crush. It took me a while to understand that several secrets just kept pushing us away from each other and I didn’t need that during the whole divorce phase. I was just used to telling her everything. It made me feel more comfortable and safe. As a very calm but fun person, I didn’t need any drama between my mom and I or with anybody else.  I nodded. »His brother is throwing a party this weekend. Alex said we should go but I’m not sure about it.« I explained and grabbed a bowl. She was busy with cutting onions.  »That sounds fun. You should go! Socializing a little won’t hurt you know.«  I rolled my eyes.  »Mom, I am not antisocial. I’m just picky with people.«  She laughed. I loved how she laughed. »Well, that’s a great excuse. I’m just thinking that you’re being so quiet lately. Go out and have some fun with your friends.«  It was interesting to see that she always kept an eye out on me. I thought she was too busy with Graham.  »God, mom. I’m fine. See, I’m happy. My simple activities with Alex and Leah are enough and I always have fun in my room. Don’t worry about me. I’m totally fine!« I gave her a honest smile and she shrugged. »I just think you should go and try new things more often. Go and live your life... stay safe tho.«  I sighed and grabbed a knife.  She was right. I wasn’t afraid to go there. I didn’t feel uncomfortable with the thought of me at a party, yet I couldn’t imagine myself as a really social person. I kept my sweet circle small and I was fine like that. I had a lot of ways to have fun. Nobody knew about most of them.  »Oh, can I help you both?« Although I heard Graham’s question I didn’t react. But mom did. »Thanks, honey. You could help Valentina with seasoning the chicken.«  That’s what I meant. One of the things. They both were trying a little too hard.  »No, thank you. I can handle it.« I tried to give him a smile. Making him feel sad or left out wasn’t my goal. All I needed was some space. I was treating him like a normal person. There was nothing wrong with it.  »Albright. I’ll set the table.«  He walked towards mom and kissed her head. I heard her giggle and that made me smile, although I didn’t want to. As long as she was happy, I was happy.  ⚡︎ »Ouch! You’re so harsh!« I pulled away and looked at Alex through my mirror. »Your pain tolerance is really low, huh? You really need to get your s**t together if you want to look pretty tonight.« she was holding onto her comb really tightly. »No, it’s not low! You’re just way too harsh. God, just like my mom back in the days. Soon I’ll hear "stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry for" from you.«  She snorted and grabbed my shoulders. »Don’t be f*****g rude!« she started pushing and pulling me. I had to laugh. It was reference to that Kim Kardashian vine. »Sorry, I can’t handle your curly hair as good as you!«  »You should wear a hijab. It would make it all a lot easier.«  We both turned around to Leah who walked in with a plate of fruits that mom probably gave her. »Leah! There are amazing snacks at the party. You won’t want to miss them. Put that plate away.« Alex loved snacks. »But who knows if they are halal?«  I snorted and gave her a high five.  Alex sighed.  »Alright V, at this point I think you’re good with a messy bun.«  She was fed up and had enough of my messy hair. She loved trying new things with my hair but it was very hard to keep these curls under control.  »Yes, oh my god. The black sweatpants and my cropped hoodie have to make it too.« I stoop up and walked to my wardrobe before she could stop me but she still tried. »Oh, no. This is a party! Not a sleepover! You’re going to impress Xaviar, not scare him.«  It was interesting to see how this was almost more important to her than to me. I appreciated how much she was trying to help me.  »Let her be comfortable for once!« Leah snapped. I started to get dressed while they were about to have their little argument.  »For once? I’m just trying to help her!« Alex fired back. »I appreciate it!« I said with my face under my sweater. »Leah, are your parents really comfortable with letting you go to this party? It’s okay if-...« I continued but she cut me off before I could even complete my sentence.  »Totally. They trust me. Everything’s good.« she smiled and I blew a kiss towards her. I knew that being a Muslim wasn’t easy sometimes and that she had to go without things sometimes but that was alright because we adapted to her many times since we didn’t want her to feel left out. She was a great friend. Making sacrifices for her was always worth it.  I put my favorite anklet on. It was gold and tiny thunderbolts. I also grabbed a chain and asked Alex if she could put it on me.  »Alright, we should leave before the damn party is over.«  I nodded. Alex was right. We took way too long to get ready. If you would’ve asked her she would’ve said that it was because of my hair. »I’ll drive.« they both said it at the same time. I rolled my eyes at them. We left my room and I grabbed the keys in case I was going to come back home later than I expected. Alexa got to drive. She was a chaotic driver but it was okay. As soon as we arrived I realized how nervous I actually was. Seeing him outside of school made the butterflies in my stomach even stronger. Especially at a party.. it wasn’t my first party.. but it was my first party at his house. I knew that going to his house under these conditions wasn’t very spectacular because a bunch of other people also got to do the same but I was going to get to know the place he was living i.. the rooms he was moving in. The place he called home. The air he was breathing. All of it. We walked towards the house where the loud music came from. It was a really big house. With two garages. It was modern but it didn’t seem as cold, plain and simple as other modern buildings these days. It had big windows that let us have a look inside. There were a lot of people in the front yard.  I fixed my hair a little bit to not make it look like I just got out of bed and decided to come here. I started chewing on my lips and thought about how I could greet him or how I could make him talk to me. He didn’t have to be the one to make the first move but I was too shy to actually hit him up with a cool pick up line. I also didn’t believe that pick up lines were going to help me at all. He shouldn’t see how desperate I was. It was already embarrassing enough.  As soon as we walked in I started looking out for him. I was a little nervous and hoped that my outfit wasn’t too bad, like Alex said. The most girls here seemed like they spent a lot of time with picking their outfit and doing their makeup. I also noticed that a lot of these people here were a little older than us. Not from our school.. that made me feel a little uncomfortable but I felt better when I saw faces that I already knew.. »Don’t make it obvious, V« I smirked at what Alex said. »Nobody knows who I’m looking for.«  Even if. I wouldn’t mind. The only thing on my mind and the only business I had to mind was him.  We walked further in and found a few friends. That made me feel more comfortable since it felt like most of these people here were from college or something. »I’ll be over there if you need me!« Leah pointed at a group of people that we also knew from school. I smiled at her and nodded. I liked how the volume of the music was so perfect that we could talk without screaming at each other. It started to get more and more comfortable with every minute that passed but  I still didn’t see Xaviar.. that made me a little inpatient and I started to overthink.  What if he was with a girl? Or more girls? No. He was probably with his group of friends.. even if he would’ve been with a girl.. or more girls.. that was none of my business. I knew that I had no right to get jealous or feel a certain pain in my chest with this thought... but I still did. I was nonexistent for him.. yet.  Alex and I joined a few people who were playing beer pong. She decided to play and I watched her and the others. I didn’t feel like drinking. I still had to keep an eye out on somebody. Unfortunately I didn’t get to see him yet... »Yes!« Alex shouted. I turned around to her. »Huh?« I was too focused on something else. That’s why I missed what happened. »I won!« she threw her hands in the air and waited for a high-five. I tiptoed and gave her the high-fives she deserved.  I was a little short but not that short. She was just a little tall. »Oh! There’s Parker! I’ll be right back!« she sounded really excited. I didn’t stop her... although I was alone after she left. I decided to walk around a little bit, hoping to find Leah somewhere. I didn’t want to be alone. Being between all these people on my own made me feel lonely. There was no one that I wanted to talk to. Most of them were busy with dancing, playing games or doing others things anyway.. and I still couldn’t find Xaviar. He probably wasn’t even there... I walked to the kitchen to get something to drink.  It felt like I came for nothing. What was I even here for? Did I really think that I could get closer to him at a party? I didn’t even know how to get his attention. I didn’t know what amazed him, what he liked and what not, what would get his attention and what not. Unfortunately I didn’t know a lot about him. He wasn’t the person who loved sharing every moment on social media. He was too undercover... or I was a really bad stalker. Probably both of it.  I turned around when I heard someone scream. I sighed. Sounded like these people had fun. I wished I would’ve had someone to have fun with too. I wasn’t mad at the girls for leaving me alone. I probably just didn’t know how to handle walking around on my own at a party. I should’ve tried to get to know some other people and socialize more, just like mom wanted it.    Just when I turned around I bumped into someone. »Ouch.« I quickly inhaled in pain since my nose almost broke on that persons hard chest. The black hoodie that he was wearing was really soft but not soft enough to not make my nose hurt. He was so tall that I had to look up to see his face.   His curly black hair matched perfect with his short beard that gave his angular face better definitions. His jaw was sharp and even his nose was almost perfect. His eyebrows seemed so perfect.. even the cut in his left eyebrow... he probably didn’t have it because of the trend. It seemed like it came from a scar... He had tattoos on the corners of his eyes. That was kind of brave.. I held my breath when I saw his eyes.. they were dark. Really dark. I almost saw my own reflection in them. Actually I did. I was so small.. There was no emotion in his face. He didn’t seem angry, surprised or affected in any way. His look was empty, yet so powerful and intimidating. I’ve never seen him in my life but it seemed like I’ve already seen him like a hundred times. Even his smell... he smelled really good... I almost got nervous because he kept staring at me. He just stared at me... it was getting so warm..  »Are you going to get out of my way by your own or do I have to make you?« the depth of his voice actually shocked me for a second. So did his words. It was clean.. sounded like satin... It took me a while to realize what he said. I didn’t know how to react and couldn’t even move. Why are you looking at me like that? Please stop looking at me like that... I opened my mouth to say something but he grabbed me by my arms and pulled me to the side... he wasn’t rough but not gentle either. He didn’t hesitate. The real problem was that the way he simply touched me with his big hands made me gasp and gave me goosebumps that lasted until he walked past me, while I was still trying to realize what was going on. Why did this encounter with a strange male get me so irritated?  I blushed when I thought of how awkward I was acting. As if I’ve never seen a black guy that looked like he was in a gang. He was just another jerk that had too much confidence and thought he was a big guy. He was tall.. but that didn’t mean he was in charge.  »Damn. I apologize in his name. He can be a cold douche sometimes but I promise he’s actually got a heart.« I turned around when I heard another male voice behind me. My heart stopped beating when I saw that it was Xaviar.. I should’ve recognized his voice.  The butterflies in my stomach were back. They were faster than ever. There he was.. standing in front of me.. looking straight into my eyes.. with a soft smile.  The basketball jersey he was wearing fit him perfectly..  »My brother. Ezekiel.« he continued when he saw that I was still confused. I had to realize what was happening. He caught me off guard but I needed to get myself back together. I needed to concentrate. This moment was real. It was no illusion...  I tried to hide my confusion. The guy earlier was his brother.. why was it so hard to believe it? They didn’t look like each other at all and I was sure that their behavior wasn’t the same either. It was obvious. Xaviar was way more sympathetic. »Yeah... I know. We don’t look alike. Our dad is African American.« he laughed and rubbed his neck. It took me a while to understand what he was trying to tell me with that but then I got it. Xaviar’s skin wasn’t as dark as Ezekiel’s. He must’ve thought that I was confused because of that.  I looked at him with widened eyes and shook my head. »No, I-... that’s not why I was confused. He just seemed a little different.« I tried to smile the embarrassment away. He took a step towards me and leaned against the fridge. »He definitely is different. I swear.. if he wouldn’t be my brother...« he just shook his head instead of continuing his sentence. I had to laugh.  I enjoyed the warm feeling that I got while being around him... I got more comfortable with every second. He was so chill and kind that talking to him didn’t feel as awkward as I imagined.  I could get used to this feeling... »I can see that you’re one of those who like it comfortable too.« he pointed at my outfit with his eyes. I looked down at myself, as if I didn’t already know what I was wearing. I looked back into his eyes and saw that he was still smiling... my heart started racing. I wanted to scream. He was so sweet...  »Yes. I really thought I was underdressed.« was that too honest? I didn’t want to seem awkward. »What? No. I think it’s good that you choose to be comfortable. Other than some of those who think this is New York’s fashion week and not another boring party of my brother.«  He made me laugh again. I didn’t know that he was so talkative. At least one of us was, since I was too taciturn sometimes. Especially when I was talking to him... but talking to him seemed easier than I thought..  »It’s not really boring at all.. seems like his parties are kinda... okay..« I shrugged and he laughed. I actually made him laugh. I had to tell the others about this.. but first I had to focus on him. »Kinda okay. Right. High standards when it comes to parties?« he tilted his head and raised his brow. I shook my head. »No, not really. I’m not a party monster.« I said and smiled.  »How rude of me. Would you like to trink something?« he asked and first I wanted to say no but then I decided to nod because I didn’t want to seem so prudish.. he got us something to drink and I tried to hide my smile.  I took a deep breath and hoped that we were going to have an amazing conversation and that I wasn’t going to say or do something embarrassing...