Delirium

The sky

A week later Ezekiel threw another party. This time I really didn’t want to go. Every inch of me was against it. I wanted to stay home and lay in my bed and think about things, although Xaviar wanted me to come so we could hang out. My thoughts already kept me busy enough the whole time. A party wasn’t the right thing in that moment.

My wound was healing but the feeling never disappeared. It was like he still had his hand around my neck... I could still feel how cold the knife was. It was like it happened over and over again, but just in my head. 

I explained it to mom just like Ezekiel explained it to Xaviar and it seemed like she started getting less suspicious about it all because she understood how much he meant to me and that I was going to spend more time with him from now on. I wasn’t always going to be home, even if it was a Sunday. I just wished it would’ve been Xaviar who I spent most of my time with. 

I turned my head around when my phone rang. Alex was calling. I sighed. I wasn’t sure if I had the energy to talk to her. All I did was lay in my bed and think of Ezekiel and what he did. I thought of all the things we did and what happened between us. I thought of how he licked my blood and how it felt. I was running in circles around these thoughts and feelings. They didn’t want to go away and I slowly started to like it. That’s why I was between feeling uncomfortable about it and finding it incredibly pleasant. That’s why I felt even worse because I knew that it was something that shouldn’t be romanticized or feel good. He hurt me. He really hurt me and I wanted to hate him for that and give him what he deserved but I couldn’t do any of that because deep down I felt different about it. I didn’t know what to think of it. Most of my time passed with thinking anyway. I didn’t like what he was doing to me but I couldn’t do anything against it because it didn’t bother me as much as it should’ve. It should’ve looked differently but it woke something up inside of me and I didn’t like that at all but I was ready for it. 

»V, where you at?« she asked and I flinched because I forgot that I answered the call. I was zoning out a lot. »At home.« I answered shortly. »What are you doing at home? You sound sick.« she responded and the music in the background got quieter. She must’ve went outside to hear me better. »I’m alright. Didn’t want to go this time.« I was honest. A little bit. I wasn’t alright. My mind got f****d up.

»You should get your ass over here because we miss you. It’s not the same without you and you didn’t hear this from me but... there are some really pretty girls over here, around Xaviar.« she just said that to convince me and I actually had to laugh a little bit because she got me. I knew that he wouldn’t cheat on me, especially not with girls on a party but the thought of it made me feel a little uncomfortable... yet it was stupid because I did him worse. I was horrible. 

»I don’t know...« I said and heard how upset she was about it. »Come on. Please. Do it for us. It’s not the same without you.« she wasn’t going to give up. I knew her too well. I sighed and got out of my bed, feeling like a heavy piece of meat. Actually I felt like a brick. 

»I’m on my way.« I said and hung up. It was lovely that they didn’t want to party without me. I appreciate how they thought of me and begged me to come. They were the only people on this planet who I trusted without hesitation. They were everything to me. 

I put some clothes on that didn’t make it look like I spent the past days in bed with ice cream, sweets, energy drinks and Netflix on. 

A white hoodie and bright blue jeans with classic white Nike, Air Force had to do it since I didn’t have the energy to get all dressed up or look really nice. I didn’t feel well and knowing that I looked the way I looked made it all worse but I skipped the part of thinking about that.  

I got goosebumps when I arrived because I thought of what happened the last time when I was there. I touched the wound on my neck that barely healed. I wasn’t sure if that wound was going to stay but the feeling of it was going the be there until death was going to tear us apart. He was right with every word that he said last time. He was always going to be there, always on my mind, always in my head and now even always in my blood. Even if he was going to leave me one day, I was never going to get rid of him. He was always going to be there. 

I bumped into someone when I walked in. »Oh, sorry.« I quickly apologized to the blonde girl and kept walking. I tried to find the girls and thought of texting them but then I saw them around the pool. I walked up to them, trying to keep my eyes on them instead of looking for someone. Alex waved at me when she saw me. 

»Glad to see you here, babe.« Leah said and kissed both of my cheeks. I smiled and said »I had no other choice.«. Alex seemed offended. »Hey! You needed to leave your damn house.«  she said and took a sip of whatever she had in her cup. When she caught me looking at it she asked »Want some?« and I quickly shook my head. My mom would’ve killed me if I would’ve went back home with the smell of alcohol on me. She really would’ve sent me to hell and I wasn’t in for that. »No, thanks.« I answered and wanted to continue but the person that came out of nowhere and wrapped their arms around me from behind scared me so much that I flinched and gasped. Then I turned around and saw that it was Xaviar. That made me feel better. I wasn’t sure why I thought that it would be someone else... that it would be Ezekiel. He would’ve never done it in public, right in front of everybody’s eyes. 

»You came. I thought you didn’t feel well. You look good tho.« he looked down at me and smiled. Although I still didn’t feel fell, his compliments made me feel better. I appreciated him. »The girls convinced me.« I said and he smiled at them. »I’m glad they did. I missed you.« he said and gave me a kiss. »How is your wound doing?« he asked, looking at my neck. I got goosebumps and when he tried to touch it I gently pushed his hand away. I didn’t want anybody to touch it. »It’s healing.« I answered. He opened his mouth to say something but a guy came and said »Dude, you gotta look at this!« and pulled him away. He turned around to look at me and said »I’ll be right back, don’t move!«. I sighed because our conversation was too short but that was okay because I was going to talk to the girls. 

»Ugh, I really wanna play beer pong but I don’t wanna get home drunk.« Alex said and made Leah roll her eyes. I laughed and said »Go and have fun, I’ll take care of you after.« because I wanted to give something back for caring about me so much. »I love you, mom. Thank you.« she wrapped her arm around my neck and kissed my cheek. Then she left and Leah said »I don’t want to miss this.« and followed her. I watched them leave and smiled because they made me really happy. I could’ve been mad because she made me come here just to leave me alone but that wasn’t the point. She wanted me to leave my bed and see them. I wished I could’ve shared all my thoughts with them. I knew that they weren’t going to judge me, yet I still couldn’t do it. 

I slowly walked out to the backyard and watched the people. Xaviar told me to wait there but the music got too loud and I couldn’t stand it. I needed air and seeing the colorful lights and people who were leaning on trees was cheering me up. The grass tickled my ankles and that made me smile. 

»Cute.« I heard a voice and looked up. My smile faded when I saw Ezekiel. I cleared my throat. Somehow I didn’t expect to see him at his own party, although I was looking for him. Sometimes it just seemed like he was a dream. As if he only existed in my mind. I wished it would’ve been like that. 

»Huh?« 

»Your smile was really cute.« 

I blushed, hoping he wouldn’t notice in the dark. »What’s up? You good?« he asked tilting his head a little bit. I swallowed and nodded. He took a step towards me and my heart dropped to my ass because I was afraid that he would come too close in public. 

»Yeah. Everything’s good. How about you?« I tried to sound as normal and chill as possible but I should’ve known that I didn’t even need to make any effort. »Don’t play with me. You don’t look good. What’s wrong?« he said and I knew that he didn’t want to offend me. He didn’t mean my physical appearance. I was a little surprised because he recognized it so well when Xaviar just told me that I looked good. Ezekiel wanted to get the truth out of me and that made me feel... I wasn’t sure what it made me feel. 

»Just been thinking a lot lately.« I said and looked away but turned my head back around when he said »Didn’t I tell you to stop thinking so much? Your thoughts aren’t real. They can’t hurt you. Overthinking will just stop you from living your life at its fullest.« his soft voice made me feel a little more comfortable. Actually way more comfortable than I did before I came here. I wasn’t sure why it was like this but he was the one who stressed me the most, yet I felt the most comfortable next to him. It was toxic. I needed to get away from him but every inch of me wanted to stay with him. 

»You’re right.« I shortly replied because I didn’t know what else to say. There was nothing I could say. Actually there was so much to say but the knot in my throat made it impossible for me to speak to him about it. 

»You can always go up to my room when you feel overwhelmed here.« he said, quietly, out of nowhere and made my heart skip a beat. He wasn’t trying to set a trap to get me in his room. He was genuinely caring about me. He was really seeing me. He was seeing me, my feelings, my soul. He could see that I was having a hard time with myself and my surrounding and offered me a safe place. It made me feel good. Really good. It woke up the urge in me to hug him. Especially the way he was looking at me made me feel even more comfortable. 

»Thank you.« I whispered but he heard me. He was always going to hear me. He rubbed his chin and said »Look at the sky.«. It totally confused me. I wasn’t sure why he wanted me to do that or what he expected me to see in the sky but I did what he wanted from me. I looked up at the sky and all I saw was darkness... a few clouds. It was really hard to see the stars. 

»It’s healing. Looks good.« he whispered as well. I slowly looked back down at him and finally realized why he wanted me to look at the sky. He wanted to take a look at my wound without having to touch me because he knew he couldn’t do it in front of everybody. He wanted to know how it was. The smile on his lips told me that he was glad it was healing. 

»It is.« I said. 

»Please smile again.« I wasn’t sure why he said that but he wasn’t going to let me wait for the explanation because he saw that I was confused. He was always irritating me. 

»A few minutes ago when I watched you walk out here... you smiled because the grass tickled your ankles. Smile like that again. Always smile like that.« he continued, noticing something that even I haven’t noticed. I stopped smiling when I saw him and got nervous again. I got quiet and anxious and even tho he comforted me, I still had a hard time with getting way from that feeling. He noticed how my face and my feeling changed and he didn’t want it to change. He didn’t want him to be the reason for my negative thoughts. I wasn’t sure if he was doing it for himself or for me. 

One simple sentence of him had a huge effect on me. 

I gave my best to smile. He tilted his head and closed one eye. »A little more.«

That made me smile automatically. I couldn’t control it because the way he treated me was just too sweet. It made me shy and silent but comfortable. It made me feel a lot. He didn’t want to see me sad. He cared and he created soft little moments between a lot of tension.

I had to giggle quietly because I couldn’t hold it in anymore and he seemed to like that. 

»Perfect. Just like that.« he smiled at me, totally satisfied and I hated the universe because it didn’t let this moment last any longer because Xaviar came back and brought me back to reality. 

He looked at us and smiled. »Glad to see you two together. Let’s grab something to drink.« he said and I glanced over to Ezekiel and he glanced over to me. We both knew that hanging out together wasn’t a good idea and that one of us would feel comfortable. Well Xaviar would’ve been the only one who would feel comfortable. I couldn’t imagine us three doing something together and it seemed like Ezekiel couldn’t do that either. 

»I should go back to the others. Have fun you two.« Ezekiel said, slightly smiling. Xaviar smiled back and we watched him leave. I sighed in silence and tried to stop acting like a depressed brat. I needed to get myself back together and enjoy the night. I needed to enjoy my life. I needed to stop overthinking. It’s just that I was always too afraid of what I would be capable of if I would just stop thinking and let lose.

We stayed outside for a while and talked to people that crossed our way before we went back in. Then we got some drinks and I made sure that there wasn’t any alcohol in my cup. Xaviar was mocking me but I didn’t let that get to me. 

»I’d take the blame if your mom would go nuts.« he said offering me his cup. I laughed and shook my head. »You wouldn’t survive it.« I replied and he acted like he was shocked. »So it’s a blessing that you can come to these parties.« he continued. »Totally. I can only be here because of you. Thanks for that.« 

That was true. She trusted him and knew that I would be safe with him. She has never liked teenage, high school or college parties. Parties in general weren’t her favorites but at least she let me have some fun. She knew that I had to make my own experiences and she trusted me enough. She knew that I wouldn’t come back home totally drunk and announce a pregnancy weeks later. 

»I feel.. honored.« he was totally flattered. I laughed and turned around when I heard some noises. A few guys where losing it about something and it made me curious. They caught Xaviar’s attention as well. We both tried to see what was going on, especially because a lot of people seemed to be amused about it. When a few people stepped aside we could finally see what was going on. 

Ezekiel was standing in the middle of the crowd with two girls who were shirtless. They were just standing there with their bras. One of them was brunette and the other one was blonde. The blonde one was wearing white, high waisted jeans that gave everybody a sneak peek of her red underwear and the brunette one was wearing a skirt. I held my breath while I tried to understand what was going on but I didn’t have to wait too long. I watched how Ezekiel grabbed both of their necks and made them kiss each other. I got goosebumps. For some reason my stomach dropped, especially when I saw the smirk on his face and the smile on the girls lips’ while they were kissing each other... I froze.

Was he doing that with everybody? Of course. I was just one of fifty. Maybe a hundred. I was just one of them. While he was the only one that I did this stuff with, I was just one of many to him. 

My heart stopped when the brunette girl let the blonde girl go and kissed Ezekiel. It felt like someone placed a rock on my chest and left it there. I looked at this face. He seemed surprised at first but he was totally in. It wasn’t bothering him. It wasn’t important to him but it almost took my ability to breathe. Watching it made me feel sick. All I could do was just stand there and watch them, although I felt like letting myself fall on the ground. I wanted to lay on the ground and don’t move. It didn’t have to hit that hard but it did. I already knew that I wasn’t the only one, why did it shock me so much? No. Why did it hurt me so much? Did I expect or hope to be THE one? Did I want him so much that I couldn’t share him? I knew that it wasn’t love between us, so why did I feel this way? Because I wanted to be the only one? My head was standing in flames.

»Idiot. That’s so typical.« Xaviar said, right next to me. I looked at him and realized that my chin was shaking. My hands were shaking as well. I felt heavy and tired. I wanted to go home because I was tired of feeling sick while being surrounded by so many people. »Fuck.« I said, more to myself than to him because I realized that I couldn’t leave. I told Alex I would take care of her. I had to stay until she wanted to leave or until she was going to be so wasted that we had to leave. I couldn’t leave it all to Leah. 

»What? You barely use that word.« Xaviar was surprised and so was I. »I just remembered something.« I was honest. He wanted to say something but in that moment a guy came from the backyard with a huge water gun and made everyone in that crowd wet. That’s how Ezekiel and that girl stopped kissing. I was actually thankful that the random guy interrupted them. They all got wet and that was my chance to get lost too. 

»Excuse me. I’ll look after the girls.« 

Xaviar 

I followed Ezekiel up to his room. He was changing his shirt when I walked in. I could’ve sworn that he was stressed. 

»What the hell was that?« I asked, laughing. I leaned against his desk and watched him. He grabbed a towel and laughed as well. »What? Didn’t enjoy the show?« he asked and rubbed his head with the towel. »Come on, don’t embarrass me. At least not in front of my girlfriend.« I tried to not laugh because I wanted to show him that I was serious but he was just so stupid that I had to laugh. He always made me laugh with his childish behavior. He was acting just like a college guy should act. Stupid, silly, playful and disgusting. 

He froze for a second and his smile faded. »You both saw it?« he asked more surprised than he should’ve been. I almost believed that he was concerned because he got quiet but I didn’t think he would care about what Valentina thought of him but it was really important to me and he needed to remember that when he was acting like a fool.  

»Everyone saw it.« I shrugged. »I don’t want her to think that I’m like you when she’s not around.« I added and he looked away. There was something about him that I couldn’t figure out. He looked like I broke his heart with my words. That wasn’t typical for him. He cleared his throat and folded the towel. Sometimes I really couldn’t stand how neat and tidy he was. Like a woman. 

»You‘re not me. I’m sure she won’t think like that. Don’t worry, I’ll be more careful next time.« his voice was deeper than a few seconds ago. He was acting really weird but I didn’t mind that because I never knew what was going on in his mind. Leaving it all to him was better because otherwise we were going to argue like always. 

»Thank you.«

I pushed myself from the desk and noticed something. 

»What is that?« I asked pointing at his mirror. I walked towards it to take a closer look at it. I looked at him through the mirror and saw that he was already looking at me eyes wide open. He was panicking. He was hiding something. That made my jaw drop. »Are these handprints?« I asked and that made him panic even more. »Oh my god, Ezekiel. A girl?« I asked, already laughing. He grabbed me by my arm and pulled me away from the mirror. His clenched yaw showed me that he wasn’t having fun. I couldn’t hold myself back and almost laughed myself to death. »You did it. In front of the mirror? Seriously? Damn.« I added when he was about to throw me out of his room. It was awkward to see him embarrassed about something like this. It didn’t suit him. He was a player. »Shut the f**k up.« he was breathing heavily. Why was he so nervous? »You didn’t even clean it up, as if you wanted to keep them as a memory. I thought you wouldn’t let girls enter your room. Sheesh, make sure that you don’t catch feelings.« I kept messing with him when he already threw me out of his room. It seemed like I went to far because he slammed the door right at my face. I kept laughing, hoping that he would hear it. He was always mocking me. It was my turn. I was enjoying every second of it and I was going to use it against him for at least another decade. 

Valentina 

After I checked Leah and Alex I waited for Xaviar at the end of the stairs while the party was slowly coming to an end and I realized that I’ve never seen Xaviar’s room. It was a little bizarre to me, thinking of how Ezekiel offered me his room and how we already spent time in there. Xaviar’s room was a mystery to me. I didn’t know why I never got to see it. I was sure that he wasn’t hiding it from me on purpose. The time probably hasn’t come yet. How ironic. Now I was asking myself if Ezekiel let other girls enter his room as well... if he was doing what he did with me with them as well in there. If he told them to go up there if they felt uncomfortable. These thoughts messed with my brain. It got me so messed up that I even started keeping an eye out on the two girls that I started hating more than anybody else but they got lost in the crowd.

»I am... see me? I am the queen of beer pong, ladies and gentlemen!« I turned around when I heard Alex talk loudly about her victory. She was totally drunk and she was wearing a paper card crown. Leah was following her with their purses in her hand. She already seemed annoyed. Alex loved to talk a lot when she got drunk. It was unbearable and I already knew that the drive back home was going to be anything else than funny.

»V, look! A guy handed me this crown because I was the best!« she pointed at her crown and leaned against me. I held her up. »No, he just wanted more from you.« Leah said. She was way too realistic. »No. he was just mesmerized by my skills.« Alex replied. »Yeah. Totally. Beer pong skills.« Leah made me laugh because she didn’t even take her serious. »Alright come on, let’s leave.« I was rushing a little bit because I wanted to get away from there as fast as possible. I couldn’t stand the heavy feeling that was on me. 

»Wait!« Xaviar came down the stairs, almost running. I stopped and waited for him. »Are you leaving?« he asked, out of breath. I asked myself what happened up there. 

I pointed at Alex. »Yes. Look at her.« I answered and Alex just waved with an extra smile. Xaviar laughed. »Need any help? I can drop you off.« it was so nice of him to offer me help, although the situation was under control. It made me smile. He was the only good guy in my life at that moment. The only one who wasn’t going to disappoint me. The only one who I could trust blindly. »No, thank you. I’ll call you when I get home.« I replied and hugged him. He didn’t always have to be the first one to make the first step. He hugged me back tightly and whispered »Please do. I’m missing you a lot these days.«

It made me melt and feel guilty. I was an awful girlfriend and person in general. I didn’t give him enough attention. 

I looked at him. He seemed happy. I kissed him before I left and that seemed to make him even happier.