Delirium

One reason to not

This time I decided to be the one who was going to surprise Xaviar. I needed to do something that would make me feel less bad and let him know how much I appreciated him. He was the most polite person I’ve ever met and he needed to know how amazed I was by that. 

I bought a puzzle because I thought it would be a great date idea. I‘ve seen it on the internet. It was going to be nice to talk while making a puzzle together.

I rang the doorbell and waited for him to open. I was pretty nervous because I hoped that Ezekiel wouldn’t be at home. I wanted to avoid him for a while, although that didn’t work very well in the past two days. We got more comfortable with the pictures and videos. He didn’t force me to do anything. That’s why I hated myself even more because I wasn’t able to control myself. If he would’ve forced me or threatened me I could’ve at least tried to give him the fault but that’s not how it was. It was all my own choice because I loved how it felt. I loved how it felt when he gave me compliments and appreciated me and told me how he liked it when I did diverse things. I tried to stop it, I tried to be cold and keep myself busy with different things to tell him that I didn’t have time for that but it didn’t work. I got weak. Now the question was why I didn’t leave Xaviar to be with Ezekiel when I liked the feeling Ezekiel gave me. That was never going to happen. I wanted the be with Xaviar. Leaving him to have fun with his brother would’ve been the stupidest thing ever. I already felt like a weak whore... I didn’t want to hurt Xaviar, I didn’t want to betray him, I didn’t want to get weak for Ezekiel. I was going to find my way. I was going to control my mood swings soon. 

He finally opened the door and seemed irritated when he saw me. »Hey. It’s my turn to make a surprise.« I smiled. He smiled back but something was wrong. Something was bothering him. »I’m glad you came.« he said, trying to show off that I was right with my thoughts. »My dad is home.« he added and I finally got why he was so confused. I felt the same when he told me that his dad was home. »Oh, should I-..« I couldn’t finish my sentence because he interrupted me. »Please come in. I want you to meet him.« he said and got me so nervous that I almost let the puzzle box in my hand fall. I wasn’t ready for this. I was ready. I wanted it but I didn’t expect it. I wasn’t prepared but the fact that he wanted it gave me enough confidence and a good feeling. »Are you sure?« I asked and he nodded. This time his smile was real. »Definitely.« he answered and grabbed my hand. I was extremely nervous and thought of what to say or how to act but at the end it all was going to happen naturally. 

The living room was empty. I put the box on the table and looked at Xaviar. That’s when Ezekiel walked down the stairs and caught my attention. I held my breath for a second. It was the first time I saw him after our whole dirty talk sessions on Snapchat. My heart was racing and I was getting anxious. Probably because I was scared that he would tell Xaviar everything or show that we were getting along better than he expected but if he would’ve wanted that he would’ve already told him everything or even shown him everything. Maybe Xaviar already knew about everything and was testing me to see if I was going to tell him the truth. His dad probably wasn’t even there and he just wanted to see if I was going to admit everything when s**t was getting real. 

I shook my head, trying to get rid of these stupid thoughts. I was too damn paranoid. It was ridiculous. 

I also knew that they both were on good terms again after their last argument. Of course they were. They were brothers. Nothing was going to make them hate each other. Nothing could make them split. Blood was thicker than water. That’s what I needed to remind myself of. I was going to lose. They were going to stay. 

»Hi.« Ezekiel said, walking past me. I froze for a second. I couldn’t tell what he was feeling because of his empty facial expression. He seemed like he didn’t care at all but he still greeted me. I didn’t know how to feel about that. »Hi.« I said back with a quiet voice. As if nothing happened. As if everything was the way it should’ve been. His presence made me even more nervous. He was wearing a black hoodie with grey sweatpants but I needed to keep my eyes off him. The weather was really warm. I was asking myself if he wasn’t sweating in that hoodie but I gave Xaviar my attention. 

He wanted to say something but then a man came in from the backyard. His dad. He was wearing a dark blue shirt and black pants. He had gloves. He must’ve been working in the garden. He was really tall and muscular. Ezekiel looked just like him but he was wearing glasses. He looked like an architect and seemed like a positive person. 

When he saw me he stopped for a second and looked confused. But then he smiled and seemed positively surprised. He walked towards me and took his gloves off at the same time. »Hello, Mr. Jordan.« I greeted him, shaking his hand that he reached me. I smiled as well. It was obvious that he was the cool type of dad. »Hello! You must be Ezekiel’s girlfriend!« he said and my heart dropped to my ass. I froze for a second and turned around to look at Ezekiel. He looked at us with his jaw slightly dropped. I could see that he was just as shocked as me... and Xaviar obviously. He came towards us. »No, dad. She is my girlfriend.« he said, smiling. He wasn’t mad about it or as shocked as Ezekiel and I. »Oh Lord, I’m so sorry! I should’ve known, Ezekiel never introduces anybody to us.« he wanted to throw shade at Ezekiel but exposed Xaviar a little bit. I looked at him.. he must’ve brought every girlfriend of his here. He must’ve introduced every girlfriend that he had to his parents... why did it make me feel bad? 

»Her name is Valentina.« Xaviar said and I tried to make the bad feelings fade. It was just unnecessary jealousy that I had of his past. Everyone had a past. I needed to stop thinking of it. 

»I’m glad to meet you, Valentina.« he said, still smiling. His voice was deep and loud. His smile was contagious. He was just as positive as I thought. »The pleasure is mine.« I said and he told us that he would join us after putting the gloves back. I took the chance to glance over at Ezekiel. He was on his phone. Totally distracted. I noticed the smirk on his lips. I was dying to find out who he was texting. Probably one of the girls he had. He said it by himself. He didn’t deny anything that I said last time. He said that he loved making girls or women happy.. I wasn’t the only one. That was fair. I had no right reason to be jealous. 

When their dad came back he said »I’m leaving.« and put his phone away. »Where you going?« Mr. Jordan asked.»No questions.« he said, smirking, not answering his questions. »Alright. Have fun.« he knew where he was going. We all knew where he was going but I was the only one who felt the heat of rage and jealousy all over her body. I was the only one who was bothered but I couldn’t show it.

He left without looking back or saying anything else. He didn’t even get ready. He didn’t want to waste any time. I was glad that he didn’t show them that we were close but the distance did bother me. 

We sat down in the living room and talked a little bit. We got to know each other so I answered questions about school, myself, my family, hobbies and other things. I found out that he was actually an architect. I was right with my thoughts and I was amazed. He was really cool and extremely funny. Xaviar said that his jokes were classic dad jokes but they weren’t. I actually liked him and felt comfortable. I thought I would be really nervous but he made it easy for me. We talked for more than a hour and then he said he would leave to meet some friends and get some things done but it was obvious that he just wanted to leave us alone. Before he left he told me that he would love it to have me over for dinner the next day.

»He’s so cute and so funny! You have the best dad!« I said and Xaviar seemed to agree. He nodded and grabbed the puzzle box. »He is. He’s pretty good.« he said. »You sound like you’re trying to not brag.« I laughed and so did he. »Probably because I am.« he admitted and I had to laugh even more. 

»How did you think of this?« he asked, emptying the box on the table and sat back down next to me. He pulled the table closer and I answered »I saw it on i********: and thought it would be nice.«. He looked at me with a smile. He looked deep into my eyes and I felt the butterflies again. I missed them. »It is nice. More than that.« he said and I took a shaky breath. 

We started to puzzle and talked about the world, food, protests, annoying kids, shopping malls, books, furniture, people. About everything. For hours. We almost finished the puzzle. It was better than I thought it was going to be. It was amazing and a lot of fun. I wished I would’ve came up with that earlier.

»Ugh, can we take a break?« he leaned back. He seemed exhausted. »Are you exhausted? From puzzling?« I asked and he let his head fall back. »Puzzling is exhausting!« he said loudly, as if he was done with the world. It was a big puzzle so I accepted it. I had to laugh again. Then he looked at me. I looked at him too, waiting for him to say something but he didn’t say a word. He just smiled at me. »What?« I asked and he slowly shook his head. Instead of answered he grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards himself. Everything happened so fast that I didn’t even notice how I ended up on him. My blood pressure got higher and I tried to concentrate on him. He put one hand on my cheek and kept his other hand around my wrist. He kissed me without any warning and I loved it. I kissed him back and we started making out. He wanted me to get on top of him and I didn’t let him repeat himself. I loved how he started breathing heavier and heavier with every minute that passed. He placed his hands on my hips and pulled me even closer to himself. I couldn’t figure out what I was feeling. It was all I’ve been waiting for, all I’ve imagined, it was everything, yet it didn’t feel the way I expected it to feel but I wasn’t going to stop. I put my hand on his shoulders and kept going... it went like this for hours.

We stopped when we heard Ezekiel arrive. It was already pretty late. We got carried away and none of us complained. That was probably the best way to spend time together. He backed off and I wiped the corners of my mouth, hoping that my makeup was still in place. He got me totally excited but I needed to calm down. We got ourselves back together until Ezekiel walked in. Xaviar fixed his hair and I put mine in a bun. 

»What’s up?« Xaviar asked him, as if nothing happened, trying to look normal. I had to smile because I was blushing. It was cute how nervous he was. I enjoyed watching him trying to act like we were just chilling. 

Ezekiel seemed suspicious but he couldn’t care less. »Classic.« he answered and I didn’t understand it but Xaviar seemed to understand. I took a deep breath and we all Heard- Xaviar’s phone ring. He grabbed it and looked at Ezekiel. »It’s mom.« he said and something happened but I couldn’t figure out what. The air got tense. It looked like they wanted to say something but both of them chose silence until Xaviar said »I’ll be right back.« he walked out to the backyard and answered the call on the way. I didn’t follow him because it was obvious that he wanted privacy. I hoped that everything was fine. 

»Wanna drink something?« Ezekiel asked. I looked at him and nodded. There was this bad feeling I had about the phone call and it didn’t want to let me go. I’ve seen Xaviar’s face when he saw that it was his mom who was calling him and Ezekiel’s face. They both weren’t amused about it.

I followed him to the kitchen while he gave me something to drink. He seemed exhausted. I wanted to ask him where he’s been and what he’s been doing so bad because I felt like he was with a girl but I should’ve known that he had superpowers and could read my mind. »Yes, I was with a girl.« he answered, taking a sip of his orange juice. My heart got heavy but I showed it off. I took a sip of my juice too, to act like I didn’t care. »If you’re asking yourself if we f****d, we did.« he really didn’t care. He was talking like he was numb. He didn’t care about telling me about it in details. He wasn’t even trying to keep it to himself. Probably because he knew that I wanted to know it. »Damn... I f****d her real good.« he added and I took a deep breath. I clenched my jaw because I was so pissed about it and the fact that I shouldn’t be pissed. Why was he saying that? I didn’t need to know that. Knowing where he’s been was enough but how it was, was none of my business. 

Yet I was asking myself if he really enjoyed it. If he liked her, if she meant something to him, who she was and where they were. If they met at her place or somewhere else. If they had a real date or just wanted to f**k and if he left right after or if they cuddled and every other possible questions that crossed my mind. 

»You ain’t got no right to be mad. You were here, making out with X.« he put his glass on the kitchen counter and and looked straight into my eyes. My jaw dropped. »How would you know?« I was asking him that too often. I should’ve known that he wasn’t stupid. He was more experienced than me. Way more. »Plump lips... this behavior...« he kept looking into my eyes and I wanted to ask him what behavior but I decided to not. I didn’t want to hear how he knew everything better. 

I crossed my arms in front of my chest and turned around but then he asked »Did you enjoy it?« and I almost lost it for some reason. I turned back around really fast and answered »Of course!« a little angrier than planned. He licked his lips. He still didn’t show any emotion. I wanted to slap him so he would show me at least something. »Then why aren’t you wet?« he asked and I held my breath. My chin started shaking out of rage. If he wouldn’t have been on the other side of the cooking island I would’ve slapped him. I wanted to punch him for being so right with every word he said. Was he god or how did he know every single s**t? How was he this right? That was unfair. The fact that I really wasn’t wet annoyed me enough but there he was, mocking me. 

»Want me to f**k you, so you’re not frustrated anymore?« he asked and I furrowed my eyebrows. He used to be polite and soft. What happened? His mood swings were worse than mine. »Frustrated? And are you offering me to have s*x with you?« I asked, totally offended. It was offending that he was acting like he knew everything. He did but he didn’t need to act like this. »Yeah. You need some d**k and I’m offering you to get f****d by me.« he said and finished his juice. I couldn’t believe my ears. I put my glass on the kitchen counter as well and approached him. »Shut up. I’m totally fine like this.« I was about to choke him so he would shut up. 

This all wasn’t anything like our conversations in the past days. We didn’t even talk about it but not mentioning it was probably better. 

»Really? I’m sure that you want my dick.« he was testing me. He was messing with me. While I was about to explode, he still seemed like he was talking to me about a book or something else that wasn’t this inappropriate. »You’re wrong!« I approached him even more, until I was close to him. My hands were shaking. Mostly because I wanted to hit his head against the cooking island but I was trying to control myself. I expected him to keep talking s**t but what I didn’t expect was that he would get behind me and grab me by my neck so fast that I couldn’t even react. He wrapped his other arm around my stomach to keep me in place, pressed against him. His grip was so tight that I couldn’t breathe. I put my hands on his hand around my neck to show him that I couldn’t breathe but he didn’t care. It wasn’t s****l choking, he was serious. 

I could feel his warm breath in my neck. His lips were close to my ear. »Give me one reason to not f**k you right here, right now. One reason to not bend you over this counter and f**k you hard, right in front of Xaviar’s eyes.« he whispered.

A million thoughts went through my head. What I felt was something that was a mixture of many things that I’ve pushed back for years. It was too much to handle. That’s why I felt paralyzed. My blood was pumping right in my head and my heart was about to jump out of my chest and it was not because I couldn’t breathe. His words and his touch made me shiver. He got me weak. I should’ve hated him for what he said and did but I loved it and that’s what I hated myself for. It was like ecstasy.. he was like ecstasy. He made me anxious but excited at the same time because I knew that he was serious. He wasn’t kidding or trying to prove me something. He was deadass serious. 

»Ez... I can’t-...« I wanted to tell him that I was running out of air but he already understood. He let my neck go and grabbed my hair. It hurt because I put it in a tight bun earlier and he was about to rip it out. He pushed me down and made me bend over. I put my hands on the flat surface and tried to get a grip but I couldn’t. I couldn’t hold my moan in when he pulled my hair, one hand still on my hip. I caught my breath and swallowed, feeling like I ran a marathon. I was whining. 

On one hand I was scared that Xaviar was going to walk in and on the other hand I was getting inpatient. I wanted it. I needed to admit it to myself. I wanted it too bad. I couldn’t give him a reason to not do what he listed. It was the opposite. It was all I’ve been thinking about. 

I almost went crazy when he squeezed and rubbed my butt with his other hand. »Please...« I whispered and he pressed himself against me. I clenched my fists and heard how he whispered »Are you going to finger yourself when you’re back home if I won’t give it to you tonight?« his words made it all worse. His words were like cocaine. He pulled my hair even harder and said »Answer, f*****g whore.« I held my scream in and answered »Yes.« but he wasn’t satisfied, although it was the truth. I didn’t just say it to please him. »”Yes” what?« he asked and I could hear that he wanted it more than me. »Yes, daddy.« I knew that it was what he wanted to hear. »Good girl.« he said and I almost screamed. »Think of me when you cum.« he whispered and let me go so roughly that it hurt. 

He let me go because Xaviar was coming. I tried to catch my breath as fast as possible but I couldn’t get myself back together that quickly. I rubbed my eyes before he approached us. 

»What did she say?« Ezekiel asked him. He was leaning against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed in front of his chest. My jaw dropped at how he was so good in acting like nothing happened. He looked just the way he did when he arrived. No emotions, no worries, nothing. Was it all fake? Was he always acting like that while he actually had a beast inside of him? That was the calm before the storm. I understood it. Was this how it was going to be? 

»She... wanted to talk. She sounded hurt.« he answered and I realized that I needed to get myself back together if I wanted or not. It was important. Xaviar probably needed me and I still felt like I was on a trip. I cleared my throat and listened to them because I didn’t want to interfere. It must’ve been really important. I was already asking myself where his mom was, realizing that she still didn’t come home and now that I heard that she seemed hurt I started worrying. Ezekiel needed to teach me how to calm down so fast and make it look like we had a normal conversation or have I been hallucinating? 

Ezekiel took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair. »Whatever.« it was bothering him and this time he couldn’t hide it, although he tried it. »Yeah. You two...« Xaviar changed the subject and my heart dropped to my ass. I looked at Ezekiel and he looked at me but of course he wasn’t bothered at all. How was he doing that? 

»I’m having this feeling for a while now and I don’t like it. I feel like you both have a problem. Whenever I leave you alone and come back you both seem pretty pissed.« he continued and the weight that fell off my chest saved me. »You both mean a lot to me and I want you to get along well. You don’t have to like each other, at least act like it.« he added. 

If he would’ve known how well we got along...