Delirium

God is watching

The next morning was very interesting. I helped my mom with making breakfast and in the middle of it she asked me »Who was the guy you talked to last night?« and I froze on my spot. I should’ve known that she knew. She probably also knew who it was and just wanted to test me. Graham also must’ve told her about what happened and I had to explain it. 

I cleared my throat and answered »Ezekiel.« but that wasn’t enough for her. »Why was he here? Was it so important that he couldn’t wait until the morning?« 

I hated that she always asked me so many questions. It really got me mad. Especially that she tried to control me, as if I was a little child.

»Yes, it was important. He needed to ask me something.« I answered, without looking at her. »Graham told me that he dropped you off yesterday.« she continued and I took a deep breath to calm down. I’ve never met someone so annoying. It was unbelievable. He must’ve told her everything in the finest details. »You’re seeing him very often these days.« she said and I felt that my body got warm. Especially my head. Was she suspicious? Did she know about him? About what was going on? »Sometimes.« I tried to act like I didn’t mind her questions. I tried to act like it was normal. 

»He’s different than Xaviar. Be careful.« she said and I rolled my eyes, clenching my jaw. She didn’t even know him. She just judged him by what Graham told her and I hated him even more for that. Ezekiel was way more different than Xaviar but she didn’t have to make it so negative. 

»Now hurry up, we’ll be late for church.« she said and I nodded. I didn’t waste any time with thinking about her or her questions too much. I just helped her with breakfast, set the table and ate with them. For a while I was glad that they didn’t ask me any more questions but on the way to church mom asked me »Does Xaviar go to church too?« 

I looked out of the window in the car and took a deep breath. I didn’t want her to judge him by his religious beliefs or actions. I didn’t want her to judge him at all. I didn’t want to change the imagine of him that she had in her head. That’s why I answered »I don’t know.«. Actually I really didn’t know. I never really asked him about it because I didn’t want it to be the most important aspect. I didn’t want to force it. 

We arrived and took our places in the front row. I gave myself some time and pushed all the thoughts away for a while so I would be free and peaceful. At least in god’s house. Maybe I was going to stop thinking so much and start feeling relieved if I was just going to find my way to god. It actually worked and I felt a lot better after. Not like the other times I felt pressed and bored. This time I actually needed it.

We walked out of church and I walked towards the car while mom and Graham talked to a few people. Before I got in the car I answered my ringing phone. It was Ezekiel. My stomach dropped but I didn’t assume the worst. It was just that typical feeling that I got whenever I saw him or thought of him. It made me lose my appetite, it got me excited, it made me nervous, it made me happy and anxious. Everything at the same time. 

I couldn’t even greet him because he was faster than me.

»The naughtiest women always sit in the front row in church...« 

My jaw dropped and I turned around so fast and almost got a heart attack. My body started shaking. I got goosebumps everywhere. Was he there? He must’ve been there. How else did he know about it? I looked around. I analyzed every person that was around. Even the ones with hats. Especially the ones with hats. Even the women. I checked everyone. I looked at the building in front of me.. he could’ve been hiding behind it but I was sure that he wasn’t. That would’ve been childish and not his way to do it. He would’ve approached me and said it right to my face, not caring about Graham or my mom. So I checked the parking cars around, even those who were passing. That all in seconds. 

»How?« I asked with a shaking voice. Was I paranoid? Was I too blind to see him because I was stressed and anxious? I didn’t know but I had to find out how he knew about it. He just laughed. He was making me crazy. I thought I felt free and comforted for a while but he got me again. »Ezekiel, how!« I raised my voice, forgetting that people were around. It made me mad that he didn’t answer. He was messing with me and I hated it. 

I got in the car so I could talk without having to make sure to be careful about what I was saying because some old ladies who knew my mom were around. 

»Shut up.« he was still laughing. He left me speechless. I ran my hand over my face. He needed to stop playing. »What-..« he didn’t let me finish my sentence. »I want to see you...« 

Goosebumps again. I couldn’t even swallow because the knot in my throat grew. »I can’t...« I answered. He got me shaking again. I couldn’t stand it. He laughed again but this time it sounded a little different. More serious. I was asking myself if he was drunk... but he didn’t seem like that. »Vale... I said... I want to see you.« he was really serious. My head was burning. My whole body was burning. I cleared my throat.. 

»I can’t. It’s Sunday... mom... wants me to stay at home.« that was the best excuse and truth at the same time. He wasn’t going to be able to force me to it when it was my mom who didn’t want it. »I’m sure you’ll find a way or an excuse.« he said. I furrowed my eyebrows. Was he serious? He really didn’t give a damn about it. He wanted me to do whatever he said, no matter what was going on. He was stubborn. Really stubborn. »I said I-...« he cut me off again. My heart was pounding so fast, I was about to collapse. »Baby... come here.« 

That’s it. That was it. He got me. I was totally fine. It was out of my control. His words and his voice killed me. It destroyed me. He was in charge. I wished I would’ve been stronger but I wasn’t. I was a weak little b***h. 

»Okay.« I shivered. I was ashamed of it but I couldn’t control it. »Hurry...« he said and hung up. I looked at the screen of my phone for so long that I barely noticed that mom and Graham got in the car. I flinched when mom asked me if everything was alright. »Yes.« I lied. The truth was that I was nervous as hell. 

During the whole ride I kept asking myself why it was me... why he called me instead of someone else. Or were all of his hoes busy? It hurt to know that he only called me because he was horny but at the same time I was glad because I remembered that I got scared when s**t got real. As long as it was all about lust, it was easier. 

I texted him and told him that it was impossible if Xaviar was home but he told me that he wasn’t. What if he was testing me and they both were waiting there for me, hoping I would come, just so he could prove it all to Xaviar. I was paranoid again. I was going to see what was going to happen and even if it was going to be like that... I deserved it. 

We arrived back home and I changed my clothes really fast. I was thinking of putting something nice on but I didn’t want mom to get suspicious. Especially not on a Sunday, so I just wore black tights with a black oversized sweater on top. I looked lazy and effortless. That’s exactly what I wanted. It would’ve been easier if he wouldn’t have wanted me because he didn’t like me or the way I looked. That was another option. Making him get tired of me before it really started. 

I found an excuse to leave the house. I knew that mom was suspicious but I was going to handle that later. 

When I arrived I got shaky again. I was asking myself what was going to happen if I was going to ring the doorbell and see him.. I was asking myself why I was here. I had so many questions but I felt like none of them were going to be answered. 

He opened the door and bit his lower lip, trying to suppress his smile. He led me in without saying a word and closed the door behind me. I looked around. It was silent. 

»We’re alone.« his voice filled the whole house. I started breathing faster when he said that. We were alone.. why did it scare me? It wasn’t like I haven’t been alone with him before but this time it was different. 

We walked further in, towards the indoor pool. Did he want to go to the garden? Probably not... I turned around and looked at him. »Xaviar is with mom and dad is... somewhere...« it seemed like he didn’t know where his dad was and that he didn’t care about it. He was just glad that we were alone. »Uhm.. okay. You wanted to see me...« I said and swallowed. I was really nervous. I couldn’t even look at him. I was looking at the ground, at his chest, past him, at my hands, at the stairs, everything but not into his eyes. I didn’t know why it was so hard for me. Maybe because I was embarrassed. 

He took a step towards me. I felt his eyes on me... I couldn’t look up. I was afraid of what was going to happen if I was going to do that. »Turn around...« 

I got huge flashbacks when he said that. I had to remember the last time he told me to turn around and I didn’t understand why. He didn’t do anything. He just waited and told me to turn back around and I was asking myself if he was going to do the same thing again. There was only one way to find out. 

I slowly turned around. I took a deep breath and waited. I opened my mouth to say something but then I felt his hands on my hips. He was really close to me. I could feel his warmth. He slowly pulled my sweater up. Not too much. 

»These tights fit you so well...« he said. I got these mixed feelings again. The same feelings that I had whenever I saw him. This time it was worse. My stomach dropped. Especially when I felt his big hands around my butt... he grabbed and squeezed my cheeks like he’s been waiting for this moment for years. I closed my eyes. I was weak again. I loved his hands and how he touched me. 

I even loved how he gently slid his lips along my neck, up to my jawline. He started kissing me gently and went more passionate with time. I leaned my head back, on his shoulder and started breathing heavily...

But then he stopped and I opened my eyes again. »Turn around. I want to see your pretty face.« he said and I did what he said. My hands were shaking. That’s why I didn’t move. He didn’t need to see that I was a desperate virgin who always imagined and thought of these things but didn’t even know how to handle it. He didn’t need to know that he made me so nervous that I didn’t even know how to speak. 

»I called you because I thought of you...« he cupped my face with his hands. »I thought of your eyes that spit fire whenever I piss you off...« was he doing it on purpose? Pissing me off because it was fun? Or did he just like it when I got mad? »I thought of your lips...« he slid his thumb over my lips. I was whining.. »...around my dick.. these beautiful lips...« 

He was the first person who stimulated me with words. With his voice.. with his looks. He didn’t need to do much. »I couldn’t take it any longer. I needed you here.« he continued.

»Give me a taste of your lips.« 

He wanted me to kiss him. He didn’t do it by himself. He wanted me to do it. He was giving me the choice to do it or not... he wanted to see if I wanted it because it wouldn’t be fun enough if he would just do it by himself. He was waiting. 

Apparently for too long. Suddenly he grabbed me by my neck and closed the gap between us. His tight grip almost killed me. I couldn’t breathe and he knew that. He liked it... but he knew that I did too because otherwise I would’ve done something about it. His face was only inches away from mine. His mood changed again. His eyes were spitting fire.

»I said... kiss me. Give me a taste of your f*****g lips before I get impatient and f**k you until you really can’t breathe...« his deep voice already f****d me. It f****d my brain, my thoughts, my body, my soul. Everything. He wanted me to obey him. »You wouldn’t...« I said, barely being able to get the words out. I gasped when his grip tightened. »Don’t test me...« he leaned his forehead against mine, still looking into my eyes. 

»Do it.« I said, shortly, gasping for air. For a second he just looked at me. He must’ve been trying to figure out if I meant it. »What? Say it.« he said. I put my hands on his hands around my neck and looked right into his eyes. His grip loosened a little bit. Enough for me to breathe and talk. It took me a second »Fuck me until I can’t breathe.« 

He made me walk backwards again when he approached me more and more. »I’ll get you pregnant if you keep talking like that.« he said, breathing heavily. I had to smirk. I couldn’t control it. 

I grabbed his hands and pushed them off my neck. He got me in the mood. The trap was set and I walked in without hesitation. It was over. He let me go and after I caught my breath, I kissed him right before I tiptoed to whisper in his ear. »To make that happen, you have to c*m inside me...« I was really brave for saying that. It was the first time that I said something like that out loud and saying that I wasn’t nervous would’ve meant that I was lying. He seemed to like what I said.. »Get wet and watch how easy I’ll c*m in you.« he said and did something unexpected. He pushed me and I thought he wanted to see me on the ground but I fell into the pool. I didn’t even realize that we were so close to it. It wasn’t too cold but it shocked me. I got a lot of water in my nose but it was okay. He jumped in as well, while I got back on the surface and tried to get my hair out of my face. Before I could catch my breath he grabbed me by my waist and closed the gap between us. 

»I like you better when you’re wet.« he leaned his forehead against mine again. My heart was pounding so fast but I wasn’t nervous anymore. Not in a bad way at least. I didn’t even want to know what I looked like, all wet but he didn’t seem to care. Seeing how the water was dripping from his nose and his chin left me speechless. Even his wet lashes made his eyes look more beautiful. 

He slid his hands under my sweater, up my body.. »Kiss me one more time...« he whispered and this time I didn’t wait. I kissed him and he smiled. »Give me one more.« he said. He was enjoying it. I gave him another one but he didn’t seem to get enough. »One more.« he was happy... and so was I. I had to giggle before I gave him another kiss. All these mixed feelings got replaced with happiness within minutes. 

»What else do you want me to do?« I asked. Instead of answering me he kissed me. He held me close and his kisses went down to my neck. He wanted to keep going down but my sweater made it impossible. That’s probably why he said »Let’s get out of this pool so I can show you want I want.« and that got me excited again. I felt like s**t was getting real... 

We got out and for a second I didn’t know what to do, totally wet, dripping on the floor. 

»Come on.« he walked towards the stairs and I followed him. I hesitated for a second but I had no other choice. I didn’t want to stand there and look stupid. 

It was the first time that I got to see the second floor and I was probably going to see his room too. How iconic and ironic. I haven’t even seen Xaviar’s room before.... 

It was a wide hallway that ended with an open balcony. Four doors. Two on each side. 

I followed him to the second door on the left side. I was really curious and excited to see his room because I’ve already asked myself before what his room looked like. If he had any posters and pictures on the walls, if he had any books on his shelves, if his room was clean or not, if he had a lot of stuff or if he liked it minimalistic. All of these questions got answered when he opened the door. 

Grey walls. Thick, red curtains that went from the ceiling to the ground. He didn’t have any posters or anything else on his walls. Not even shelves. Nothing. It was all blanc and clean. The whole room was clean. Neat. Everything. He didn’t have a lot of stuff. 

His bed was huge. He had another door that probably led to his walk-in wardrobe. I couldn’t even see any clothes that were laying around. That’s why I asked myself if they had a cleaning woman. Probably not. Xaviar has never mentioned anything like that... well.. it’s not like we talked a lot. 

Even his desk was clean. There was only a note on it. He also had a tv and sofa. It smelled very good in there and looking at myself in the huge standing mirror got me embarrassed because I looked like a wet dog. 

»Don’t worry, I’ll give you something to wear...« he smiled. I looked at him and smiled back. He disappeared in his wardrobe and came back with a huge T-shirt and boxers. I had to laugh. »You want me to wear your boxers?« I asked and he tilted his head. »They’re clean but you don’t have to...« his smirk said enough. »Where should I put them...?« I pointed at my wet clothes. I didn’t want to make a mess. »Give them to me, I’ll handle that.« he said and I raised my eyebrows. »Now?« I asked and he nodded impatiently. »Ah... not in front of you.« I said and he tilted his head again, as if he wanted to say ‘oh come on’. I sighed. »Turn around!« 

He just laughed. »I’ll see you naked anyway... sooner or later...« he was totally sure about it. So confident. »You wish!« I said and he raised a brow. »What was that? Want me to remind you of what you said downstairs?« when he said that, I gasped. »Shut up!« I blushed. I thought we came here for something else and I wasn’t sure if I was hoping for it to happen or not but I was confused. 

He handed me the basket that was standing next to his desk, for my clothes. »I’ll get some towels.« he said and left the room. I took the chance to undress myself and put the T-shirt on. I put my wet clothes in the basket and thought of what I should do about my underwear. I took my bra off as well but kept my panties on but I didn’t like that felling and I didn’t want to catch a cold, so I took them off as well and wrapped them into my sweater that I had on before. I didn’t want it to be the first thing that he would see when he looked into the basked. He came back and I pulled the T-shirt a little more down although it already came to my knees. He was shirtless and he was wearing black sweatpants... he changed... seeing him shirtless gave me goosebumps and I hoped so bad that he wouldn’t notice. He handed me a towel and I hoped that he wouldn’t notice that I wasn’t wearing any underwear. I was going to put my clothes back on as soon as they dried. 

»Thank you.« 

I walked to his mirror and tried to dry my hair at least enough to not look like a wet dog anymore and I felt way better. I was glad that the floor in his room wasn’t completely wet. Just a few drops. He didn’t seem to mind. 

I wanted to ask him for a comb since I needed to handle my hair as fast as possible but just when I wanted to open my mouth he approached me from behind and said »Your ass looks nice in my clothes...« 

I looked at him in the mirror. He was standing right behind me. So close... I liked it when he was standing behind me. My body was burning again. Especially my cheeks. I was embarrassed. 

I was looking for something to say while he slid his hands under the shirt... slowly... he didn’t pull it up... he just touched my hips and whispered into my ear »Just as I thought...«. He sounded impatient. I knew what he was talking about... he checked if I was naked beneath it. 

I looked away because I was way too embarrassed but I looked at him again when he gently lifted the shirt up. I was panicking so much that I let the towel fall and grabbed both of his wrists. I didn’t want him to see me naked... he was going to see parts of me that no one else has seen before. No one except me. I wasn’t ready for it. Actually I wanted it but I was too embarrassed... something like this has never happened before. No one got to see my bare body.. especially my lower body...

»Hands away..« he whispered. I let his wrists go. My hands were shaking again. I started breathing heavier with every inch that he lifted the shirt... I looked at us in the mirror... watched him and his hands move... how he looked at me... at my private parts.. I was going crazy. I wanted to know what was going on in his mind. What he thought, what he wanted... everything. I was about to die from embarrassment. Especially with every second that he kept looking at me. What did he think of it? Why did his opinion on my body even matter? I wasn’t sure but it did. 

»So beautiful...« he looked into my eyes through the mirror..

Did he just compliment my-... 

I couldn’t even open my mouth to say a word. My ability to move was completely blocked. As if I’ve never learned how to move. At least I could breathe. I gasped when he touched me. Was he really going to do it in front of the mirror? I watched his hand and how it fit there perfectly. He was touching me as if he’s already done it a hundred times... he was stroking me. I watched him, as if I couldn’t believe what was going on. Probably because it was hard to believe my eyes. It must’ve been a dream. I must’ve been hallucinating... unfortunately I realized that it was real when I felt how he inserted two fingers in me... again. I gasped again and looked away because I was too embarrassed to look at myself and my facial expressions.. or to look at him, how he was looking at me and how his hand was moving. I wasn’t used to this. 

With his other hand he grabbed my face tightly and made me look in the mirror again. »Look at you... get used to it.« his raspy voice made it all worse. It was pleasing. Way too pleasing. I took a deep breath when I felt him against my butt... »Look at yourself... your legs..« he was so close... he kissed my neck when I moaned. »Look at your pretty face.. it’s in my hand, isn’t it?« he was right. My face was still in his hand. »You are in my hand... you are mine.« his words gave me goosebumps.. no. They gave me butterflies. 

»My baby... moan for me.« 

I did what he wanted me to do. I tried to hold my moans back anyway but there was no chance to keep them in anymore. I put both of my hands on the mirror, trying to keep myself up. I was breathing really fast... my legs were shaking. He was doing this all to me. He was the reason. He was the cause of it all.

»Please...« I was whining... I couldn’t take it anymore. »’Please’ what? ‘Please go faster’ or ‘Please f**k me’?« his voice was doing something to me that I couldn’t explain. I had to moan again. »Both..« I answered in a rush, feeling the knot in my lower abdomen. He went faster and slid his nose along my neck. 

»I’ll f**k you later... first you gotta c*m for me...«