Delirium

A game

The ride was silent until I finally broke the silence because we were finally far away enough and the street seemed perfectly empty to handle this.

»Stop.« I said and be looked at me, not understanding it. »Stop the f*****g car.« I added and he realized how serious I was. He slowed down and stopped on the right side of the long, dark and lonely road. 

I got off the car and walked behind it. It took him a while to do the same. I was inpatient and mad and about to lose it when he looked at me the same way he did yesterday. As if everything was fine, as if he had no feelings and didn’t care at all. I was tired of his poker face.

I opened my mouth several times to say something but I didn’t not how to start. I was too hysterical, trying to hold my emotions in place. I ran my hands over my face and started. 

»You asshole.« 

He didn’t seem affected. Just as I thought. 

»And I was asking myself when you were going to speak. Let it out.« he said and just kept looking at me. I wanted to slap him so bad but I didn’t want to mess with him physically. »Let it out? Are you okay? Is your mental health in place? Well, mine isn’t.« I said, losing my control. I could feel it. With every second that I let it all come to the surface I remembered everything that I’ve done. He just shrugged and I almost took a rock from the ground and hit it against his head. 

»You just put your fingers inside of me under the table, at a f*****g dinner, right next to your family!« I raised my voice but he still didn’t seem to care. Actually, I could see that he was trying to suppress his smile. »You make me sick.« I said and he finally cleared his throat to say something. »You opened your legs for me when I tapped on your inner thigh two times. You understood it.« his words made me feel so awful that I was about to have a panic attack. I’ve never regretted something so much. I wanted to cry. 

»Because I knew that you weren’t going to keep your mouth shut if I wasn’t going to do it!« I was about to tell him what I was really afraid of him but he decided to push me to the edge. »Oh, you’re right. Of course I would’ve told them every single detail about us.« I pressed my finger on my lips and shook my head. »There’s no ‘us’, shut up! Leave me alone. I’m serious. If you every touch me again, I will tell Xaviar everything. No. f**k that. I will cut your balls off and run you over with your own car!« I pointed at his car which lit the area up a little bit. It was really dark but not dark enough. I could still see his face. 

He slowly nodded. I noticed that he slightly furrowed his eyebrows. »You made me do things that I’ve never done before! You made me risk it all for nothing. You can do this with all your other girls but not with me! Go play with them! I’M NOT A GAME!« I shouted. He nodded again. »Of course you’re not a game.« he was serious. I heard it in his voice but I didn’t care. »You are the most disgusting person I’ve ever seen! I hate you. Not only because you brainwashed me with your words... mostly because you don’t even respect your brother enough to stay away from his girlfriend, seriously who does that?« I didn’t care if I was crossing a line or being too mean. He deserved it. He deserved it just as much as me. »Shut up.« he said, quietly and calmly as if he told me about the weather. I was scared that history was going to repeat itself and that he was going to lose it all of sudden again but I was going to keep going. »You don’t even care about his feelings. You don’t care about him at all. You don’t think of how disappointed he would be if he would know...« I continued and he furrowed his eyebrows. »But you do?« I clenched my jaw when he said that. I knew that I was the bad guy in this story. I was the one who wanted it to be like this. I let it all happen and now I was trying to blame him because it was easier and it was an explanation for my behavior, my desires, my thoughts and everything else that I couldn’t keep up with lately. 

»That’s not what it is about.« I was breathing really fast. »That’s exactly what it is about. You feel guilty because you enjoyed it and you hate me because I am doing what I’m doing.« he responded. »I feel guilty because I enjoyed it! Yes. God damn, yes! And I hate you because you are doing what you’re doing! I hate you because you are that bold to do stuff like that and I hate myself because I let you to touch me whenever you want and I gave you so much material to f**k my life up!« I’ve never been this honest with someone. There was so much I wanted to tell him. There was so much that we had to talk about but I was about to cry. 

»Fuck your life up? This is a game. You are the one who can end it. One game over and that’s it. I won’t talk to you, I won’t look at you, I won’t bother you in any way. Act like nothing happened. Don’t worry.« he was serious. He was totally serious. He was telling me that our moments were safe with him. I hated how sad it made me because I realized that this was really just a game to him. He didn’t care about it, it didn’t mean anything to him. It was just a game. He wanted one thing. Nothing more. 

I didn’t know how to respond to that, although I had a million things to say. I needed to get myself back together before he was going to make me soft or catch me crying. 

»I hate you and your game. I hate that I can’t look into Xaviar’s eyes sometimes because I think of you! You destroyed everything, you i***t!« I was getting loud again. How was he so calm? »Do you understand how awful it made me feel?« he knew exactly what I was talking about. »You had your fingers inside of me... while my boyfriend was sitting across from me. Do you understand how hard this is for me? This is not normal, this is not okay. Don’t do that ever again. I’m a w***e. Because of you.« that’s how I felt. He looked into my eyes for a few second and then he shook his head. »You’re not.« he said and I covered my face with my hands. I was about to let the tears roll down my face soon but I looked back up at him and said »You are the last one who could make it better. f**k off. I wish I would’ve never talked to you.« my assaults didn’t seem to bother him either. »You get scared when s**t gets real.« he said and I nodded. »I do. Obviously I do because this was a little too real.« I admitted. Everything seemed easier when we were just messing around but when he started doing what he said he would do, it got complicated. 

»Don’t blame me for this. You enjoyed it.« he said and I almost ripped my hair off my scalp. »Does that even matter? What you did was not right!« I snapped, close to attack him. »Of course it matters and what you did was right? Look at you.« I could feel that he was getting angry. Finally a piece of emotion that made me feel less lonely with this conversation and situation. »You keep blaming me, yet you were the one who let me do it all. You didn’t stop me. You may tried but if you would’ve really wanted to stop me, it would’ve looked differently. You keep blaming me to feel less bad but you’re as guilty as me.« he added and I looked at him eyes widened. Was he really going to hit me like a brick with the truth? Definitely. That’s what I was afraid of. Being guilty and judged but it was my own fault. 

»You’re the most disgusting person I’ve met. Don’t talk to me ever again.« I kept insulting him and obviously he wasn’t that patient anymore because he shrugged again and said »You’re just mad because I didn’t let you finish.«.

That’s when I slapped him. I couldn’t hold myself back. His words hit me so hard. I was pouring my heart out because of the regret I had about my mistakes and he didn’t even listen and kept acting like an asshole. I couldn’t believe him. I didn’t expect him to be this heartless and disgusting during such a conversation. I expected a little empathy. How did he change his mind and his mood so fast. Just earlier he told me that I didn’t need to worry and now he was embarrassing me. His disgusting behavior came to the surface again and I was so done with him. 

It was obvious that I crossed a line because he grabbed my wrist so tightly that I literally screamed and he didn’t even move. He was too focused, as if his hand got stuck like that. He got closer and looked deep into my eyes, with his jaw clenched. I could see that he was shaking. I didn’t expect this to trigger him so badly. He got in the ring and fought with guys like himself all the time, why did this affect him? He couldn’t have told me that it hurt. He already almost choked me to death but this time he was really aggressive and it actually scared me to death because I realized that messing with him was dangerous. There was this dangerous thin line that I needed to make sure to not cross. I couldn’t trust him. He could’ve hit me or killed me and hid me in the trunk of his car, which was big enough for me.

I was waiting for his next big move while I could feel that the blood in my wrist stopped flowing to my hand. I actually felt how my hand went numb and it scared me. It was probably the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I looked down, hoping he would let go and he did. He let me go roughly and got back in the car without giving me another look. He was really pissed. That’s why I hurried to get in the car as well, in case he would drive away without me. 

We didn’t talk during the ride again but he drove really fast. Way faster than he should. So fast that it scared me to death again because he went faster and faster. I thought he just wanted to mess with me and show me how he pissed me off but it seemed like he was actually busy with his thoughts because that’s what his furrowed eyebrows made it look like but he was really trying to kill us. I was afraid to speak because I thought it would make him even angrier. I closed my eyes and prayed that we wouldn’t crash into another car or a wall or a tree or anything else. 

That was the same man who told me to not worry about the problems I created in my head. He wanted to tell me that he wasn’t going to talk to anybody about it as long as I didn’t want that. That he would keep it to himself and act like it never happened if I would just say “game over”. That my secrets were safe with him but I didn’t believe it. Not anymore. He was dangerous and problematic. He changed his mind faster than his moods and that was scary. In the first second he was nice and in the second he was crazy. I couldn’t rely on him. I couldn’t trust him or his words. He wasn’t the type of guy to hesitate. He didn’t have any mercy or even a heart. He was acting like he was kind and polite to make me weak but he was the opposite. I knew what his intentions were and it was scary. It was scary that I let myself go like this and let it all happen. He was right when he said that I tried to put the blame on him. I tried to talk myself out of it but it wasn’t going to work. 

I opened my eyes and realized that we almost arrived and when we did he didn’t say a word. He just stopped and kept looking at the road. He didn’t look at me or say a word. He acted like I wasn’t there and there was the emptiness in his face again. I was terrified. I was shaking but this time I could show it off or I just thought that I was good at it.

I got off the car without saying a word either. I held my breath and walked in as fast as I could, although my hands were shaking and it took me a while to open the door with the keys but as soon as I closed the door behind me I bursted out in tears. Silently. I heard how he left. He still waited until I walked in. I covered my mouth with my hand and tried to walk into my room without getting mom’s or Graham’s attention. I wasn’t able to answer any questions and she was going to make something big out of it. I needed time for myself, especially because I was extremely ashamed and embarrassed. I didn’t even want to look into the mirror. 

I walked into my room and locked the door. I almost ripped my dress off my body and wiped all the makeup off my face, still crying. It was eating me from the inside and it was my own fault. 

⚡︎

I skipped school on the next day and went to The Moon. I spent my whole day there in a hoodie and sweatpants. I put my headphones on and listened to music while studying, although I didn’t need to. I just wanted to distract myself and think of something else. I didn’t feel like talking to anybody so I just told the girls and Xaviar that I was sick and would sleep and stay in bed all day. I felt like disappearing. It got worse with every moment because at first I didn’t give these thoughts any space but they got stronger than me and now they were in control. 

I didn’t sleep well or enough because I cried the whole night but after a while I got tired and fell asleep. I left in the morning before mom saw me and got the chance to ask any questions. 

The baristas already knew me very well and refilled my coffee whenever they saw that I didn’t have anything to drink anymore. I even got friends with some of them. Ivy for example. She asked me if I was okay and I told her that everything was finde but she still gave me advice, as if she knew exactly what happened and I really needed that. She was kind and not shy. She reminded me of Alex. Just a little more mature and crazy. She was one year older than me. That’s probably why I felt so connected to her. 

She went back to work and I leaned back and closed my eyes for a few second to get myself back together and when I opened them again I had to witness something. I saw how Ezekiel walked in and he wasn’t alone again. He was with his friends. Some of them were girls.. and for some reason it made me feel like I got punched right into my stomach. It made me feel awful. 

He seemed happy. He was having a great time. He didn’t seem like he cared about what happened last night or at least like it didn’t affect him as much as it did me or as much as I thought. He didn’t care. It wasn’t important to him. Maybe in that moment but he closed that chapter right after it. It hurt me. I hated to admit that it hurt me but it did. I felt pain. I’ve never felt like this before. 

I was sitting here, busy with my thoughts and he was there with his friends and these girls. Probably because this all was nothing new to him. He was the only one who I was with like this but I was just one of many to him. What else did I expect? Why was I hurt like this? I knew this when I started talking to him, that’s why I didn’t need to be surprised. I should’ve expected it. I should’ve known that this was going to happen. That I was going to see him with other girls and that he was going to keep going like that. What else could I’ve expected? I had no right to have expectations or be jealous. I shouldn’t have been jealous. I had someone I needed to think of and it wasn’t him. 

I watched him and how he got his coffee and talked to the others. I wanted to hit my head against the table for feeling this stupid pain. It was jealousy, not pain. That’s what I needed to tell myself, although it wasn’t making it better. 

They walked towards the door after they all got their coffees and I was actually glad because he didn’t notice me. I didn’t want him to see me like that. I looked dead and tired while he was glowing and having fun with his friends. He obviously had a better way to handle these kind of things. It was better for him to leave without noticing me. Better for both of us but when I wanted to look away because he was leaving anyway he looked right into my direction. His mood changed within seconds. I could’ve sworn that I saw it in slow motion. He kept walking but his smile slowly faded and he slightly furrowed his eyebrows. I almost didn’t notice how he let his shoulders fall. It seemed like he didn’t waste a thought of me and seeing me now reminded him of what happened. He didn’t seem happy about it. He looked at me like he was trying to say “look at what you’re missing.. you could’ve been with me now too but I don’t care.” and it made me want to crawl in a corner and hide there. 

I held my breath and looked away. I couldn’t stand watching him look at me like that. I already knew that I wasn’t a part of him and I needed to remind myself that I didn’t even want it. I didn’t want him to think of me, sympathize with me, look at me or speak to me. I didn’t want any of that. 

I glanced over, out of the big windows, looking for him but I couldn’t see much from the place I was sitting at so I looked back at my phone and changed the song to Psycho! from MASN. I put my phone on the table and looked at my hands which were resting in my lap. I felt exhausted and tired. I should’ve went home but instead I repeated the lyrics in my head. 

I’m so clueless, saying this is old news.

But you’re not new, you’re old news.

I might just go psycho.

Too many drunk white hoes.

I might just go psycho. 

I looked up when a big shadow fell on me. Ezekiel. 

I might just go psycho. 

Too many drunk white hoes.

Said I won’t, but I might though.

My heart stopped for a second but then it started beating a little faster than normally. I pulled my headphones out...