Delirium

Don't leave marks

Lunch on the next day at school was interesting. 

I told the girls about what happened. Leah checked my head and my temple, although there was nothing. It wasn’t swollen or anything. It didn’t leave any marks. I survived it.

»That asshole really tried to kill you?!« Alex loved exaggerating. »Alex! He didn’t try to kill me. It wasn’t on purpose and I’m fine.« I said. »Habibti, you may be fine but we’ve seen that guy. A football in his hand can turn into a heavy rock.« Leah agreed to Alex. I sighed. Usually it would’ve triggered me as well but it didn’t... »Did he at least apologize to you? I swear if he didn’t... I’ll throw hands!« the fire in Alex’ eyes was real. »No, no! I mean, yes! He did...« he did more than that... he got me weak when he touched me but I couldn’t tell them about that. It was something simple but I just couldn’t say it out loud. 

I saw that Leah wanted to say something but she looked past me and stopped. I turned around to see what or who she was looking at and saw Xaviar coming towards us. I got goosebumps. I got a little excited to see him. Although we’ve already met a few times, talking at school in front of everyone was making me nervous. Some people already saw us leave together but this was something else. 

»Hi. What’s up?« he greeted us. The girls smiled. This was awkward for them as well. »Everything’s good. How about you?« Alex asked and I loved how natural this all was. As if we’ve done this a hundred times. 

»I’m fine.. I wanted to check on you.« he said and looked at me. I didn’t text him after he dropped me off at home yesterday and he didn’t either. 

»Uhm. We’ll get some coffee. See you in class.« Leah said and grabbed Alex’ wrist to make her come with her. I smiled and waved at them. It was cute that they wanted to leave us alone, although there was no need to. I appreciated them. 

He sat down next to me and smiled at me. For some reason he must’ve felt guilty. 

»I’m, uhm, I wanted to check on you.« he put his hands on his thigh. Was he nervous? I wasn’t sure but what I knew was that he was caring. »I’m totally fine. It’s no big deal.« I gave him a honest smile. »I just wanted to make sure. I felt awful yesterday. My brother loves embarrassing me and destroying my dates.« 

I got goosebumps when he said “dates”. He saw this as a date... it was a date. Kinda. I knew it but hearing him say it was extra special. But it also made me feel like I got punched right into my stomach. “Dates”. Who knew how many dates he already had... and what kind of dates these were... with what type of girls. I closed my eyes for a second to get rid of these unnecessary thoughts that were making me feel bad for no reason. I didn’t need to think of his past. 

»Did he say anything bad while I got the ice?« he asked when I didn’t say anything. I shivered when I thought of that moment. »No. No, he was actually...« I didn’t want to tell him what happened, although it was no big deal. I just wanted to keep it to myself. »He even apologized. It’s no big deal. Totally fine.« I tried to smile again and I was glad that he smiled back. I needed that. Seeing him smile felt good. Especially when it was because of me. It made me feel comfortable. I liked sitting there with him and watching him smile. It felt like all of my dreams came true. I’ve thought of this moment for so long and now it was real. 

»Hey, I have a match next Friday and I wanted to ask you if you would... like to come. Maybe.« he seemed shy. Was he shy? Was he as shy as me? Because of the same reason that I had? I held my breath for a second. He was playing soccer. I’ve watched him practice a few times, without him knowing. It would’ve been embarrassing if he would’ve known. He didn’t need to know that I was a stalker. I’ve never been to any of his games, I thought it would be awkward but now that he asked me it was something special. I didn’t know how to react since it felt like he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was something simple to him but very important to me. He wanted me to be there, watch him, support him...

»I would love to.« I shorty said and smiled at him. I was probably blushing but I couldn’t control it anyway. He smiled and looked right into my eyes... 

⚡︎

Two days were left to Xaviar’s game. I was excited and even thought of doing something special for him. Maybe some muffins or a small cake or anything else that was sweet. I was going to have a present for him if his team was going to win and something to cheer him up if they were going to lose. Wasn’t that a mom-move? I had to think of something else. 

I couldn’t even concentrate on my homework because of that. I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop with my maths homework in front of me and all I could think of was him.

I came here very often. Actually almost every day. Getting things done for school here was way easier than at home. Being home wasn’t that bad but I didn’t want to see Graham and mom together all the time. At the beginning I came here because I couldn’t stand it at all but after a while it turned into a routine and I didn’t care about them as much as before. It didn’t make me angry or sad. I just didn’t want to get used to it, although I was sure that Graham wasn’t going to leave us anyway. 

The Moon was a place where I could disappear for a while. It was peaceful because it wasn’t that close to school and I could hang out without having to see anyone from school here. That was probably the main reason why I enjoyed it. 

The soft lights, the dark furniture, grey walls and wooden tables were just the bonus.   

I checked my phone. I was already distracted and knew that my homework would have to wait. I checked out the group chat. It seemed like the girls were busy. I wish I would’ve been busy too. Really busy. 

I looked up from my phone and ran my hands over my face. I started looking around and watched the people who walked in and out. 

I wanted to turn back to my homework for another try but then I saw someone I knew. And he saw me... I got goosebumps when our eyes met. That annoyed me. Why couldn’t my body just react normal to eye contact with him? Was it always going to be like this? 

He came with some friends. Why were they even here? Did them come here very often? Even if, I wouldn’t have known because I didn’t know him before I bumped into him at his own party. 

He smirked and rubbed his chin while he was still looking at me. He said something to his friends and walked towards me. I started panicking on the inside. Grabbing my stuff and running straight out of the door would’ve made me look very stupid. There was no need to do that. I just needed to act normal.

He sat down across from me, not even asking if I would be fine with that. I looked surprised because he didn’t even hesitate. He was confident. Maybe a little too much but I liked it because it was real confidence. He wasn’t trying to prove anybody anything or catch peoples attention. 

»I assume that this seat isn’t taken.« he said with a playful smile. I swallowed and cleared my throat. »It’s not.« I said and tried to smile friendly. At the end of the day he was Xaviar’s brother and I had to get along with him if I wanted to get closer to him. 

»How’s your head doing?« he asked. He checked on me. That was really nice. I appreciated it. I was already asking myself what he wanted from me. Somehow I didn’t think he would be this caring. »Good. Very good. It’s no big deal. Thank you for asking.« I said and gave him a honest smile. He licked his lips and that distracted me for a second. »It was my fault. My carelessness hurt you. I’m sorry about that, again. I hope Xaviar doesn’t hate me now.« he laughed. His laugh was cute. 

I was positively surprised. He looked like a typical bad boy or a mafia guy but it seemed like he was none of that. His appearance didn’t fit his kind words. 

I wanted to touch the tattoos on his face..

»I don’t think that he hates you.« I slowly shook my head and realized that I got shy. I got nervous, in a different kind of way. Not like earlier where I was panicking. 

»Lucky me.« he said and stood up. He kept his crooked smile and looked down at me. I looked up at him. I felt a little bit disappointed because I wished the conversation would’ve lasted longer. I wished he would’ve said more. I didn’t want him to leave. Was that stupid? It probably was because I needed someone’s company. Not especially his. I just didn’t want to be alone. That’s all. 

Suddenly something changed. He wanted to turn away and leave but there was something that he wanted to say. I wanted to hear it. I was really curious. Probably because I already hoped that there would be more. 

»I’m sad it didn’t leave a mark.« he said quietly. I held my breath for a second because I didn’t know if I heard right. I expected him to say something else. What was he trying to tell me? Why would someone be sad about something like this? This sentence didn’t fit the things he said just a few seconds ago. 

My jaw dropped softly because I didn’t know what to say or how to react or what to do at all. I wanted to say something but my brain froze. He enjoyed that he left me speechless. He looked at me like he knew about the tingles I got in my lower abdomen... 

He left the table after he winked at me. 

What was that? What just happened and why did it happen? His last sentence pushed me into a black hole. I was going to ask myself what he meant for the rest of the day. 

Maybe he was more complicated than I thought. But wasn’t that obvious?

I watched him, how he walked back to his friends. He didn’t turn back around to take one last look at me, although I wished he would’ve. 

⚡︎

I decided to bring brownies to the game. That was probably a huge mom-move but he I was sure that he was going to be hungry after running around on the field for so long. I was pretty excited because this was going to be the first game that I got to watch with an official invitation. I couldn’t wait. 

I walked through the cars on the parking lot, straight towards the field, after I got off the car. Mom had work to get done in the city so she dropped me off. I kept her updated on the situation between Xaviar and me. This past week brought us forward. I got more comfortable around him with every text message, every call and every time we met. I never thought things like these would work out so well and easily or fast. Seemed like the world got faster while I was on standby the entire year that I chased him. At least I was on a good way to reach my goal. 

He was so nice towards me. We already had our insiders and other simple things that made this all feel even more special. It was so easy that it felt like we were made for each other. No awkward moments, no difficulties, no arguments. Sometimes it was hard to believe that this all was real. Sometimes it scared me because I was afraid of something bad that could come towards us and destroy everything. Even the thought of it made me sad. I needed to think of something else because I didn’t plan on destroying my mood before the game.

It seemed like I was one of the last ones who arrived so I started walking faster until I saw Ezekiel who just arrived as well. I took a deep breath and wanted to act like I didn’t see him but it was way too late for that. He walked towards me. He was wearing a black baseball jersey that looked very good on him. Especially the chains around his neck... and the Jordan’s on his feet... and the black sweatpants. I looked away. I needed to stop looking at him. 

I didn’t hear anything of him or got to see him since he confused me with that one sentence in the coffee shop. I thought about it, it was always somewhere in my mind but Xaviar distracted me very well from thinking of him. 

»I thought you’d only like footballs.« he said and I looked at the ground for a second because I didn’t want to laugh and show him that I actually thought it was funny. I shouldn’t have laughed but I couldn’t control it. I wasn’t sure if he was mocking me or just trying to be funny but it worked in both ways. I looked up again, straight into his eyes. »You picked the wrong jersey.« I said, looking down at his chest. He shrugged. He was so calm and confident that it was almost hypnotic. There was something about him... 

»Fuck that.« he smiled and I got that weird feeling in my chest that got followed by a shiver that ran down my spine. Was it because he said ‘f**k’ or because he smiled? Or because of both? 

He took another step towards me and that made that feeling even heavier. 

I was asking myself if I should ask him about what he said in the coffee shop. It was no big deal but it just got stuck in my mind and I wanted to clear my head. At the end of the day he could’ve been a psychopath who wanted to hurt me and just acted like it was an accident and that he was sorry. He could’ve been anything. Maybe every impression that I had was wrong and he was actually in a gang or some kind of mafia. 

One thing was sure. He needed to stop looking at me because otherwise these goosebumps that I had all over my body were never going to disappear and it started to annoy me a lot. I didn’t want to feel this certain way around him no matter if it was positive or negative. It should’ve been neutral. 

»So.. Uhm... are you in a baseball team or something?« I asked because the closer he got the less I could fight against the tingles and I needed to find something to talk about. 

»Do I really look like that? Nah. Wrong guess. It’s MMA.« he answered and I had to try so hard to not let my jaw drop. He shouldn’t have said that. It made him hotter than he already was. I couldn’t control my thoughts. I couldn’t stop imagining him shirtless, with blood all over his face and sweat going down his body. I cleared my throat and nodded. I needed to shake these thoughts off. 

»That’s nice.« I said and tried to smile. He nodded towards the stands with his head and I nodded again. I was glad that he changed the subject like that and that I was finally going watch Xaviar instead of talking to his brother. Too much conversation wasn’t good. I hoped that he would sit down next to some of his friends instead of me because I wasn’t sure if I could survive that.

It seemed like we weren’t as late as I thought. We had to make our way through the crowds of teens. I made sure to not bump into anyone but it was a little hard to go through the group of guys who were standing there and talking about something. 

»Excuse me...« I heard Ezekiel say. He was close behind me. The guys looked at us and before I could turn around and look at him too I felt his hand on my lower waist. For a second I froze but I didn’t have enough time to let my body react to it. He led me through them without taking his hand off my waist for a second. I could’ve sworn that he felt the shiver that went down my spine with his gentle touch. I held my breath the entire time until he let go and we got to our seats. I knew that sitting next to him wasn’t a good idea. Especially not since I couldn’t get the though of his touch out of my head. These few seconds felt like they were going to last forever. I could’ve sworn that a print of his hand burnt though my clothes and left a mark on my body.. just like he wanted it.

I needed to think of something else because thinking too much about it and the fact that we ended up sitting next to each other without even planning it already stressed me enough and that wasn’t healthy for me. There was nothing behind this all. It was totally normal...