Delirium

The first

I told Xaviar what Ezekiel wanted me to tell him but he seemed unbothered. I thought that he would be worried and leave immediately but he didn’t. He seemed distracted because he was probably thinking about it but he didn’t get worried enough to call him back. He said that he would go to see him later. I wasn’t sure what to think about it but that was probably his way to handle things. Calmly and patiently. 

We had breakfast together and mom really started to like him a lot. So did Graham. It annoyed me that he was talking to him about sports and other things like a real dad would do it. I wished he would’ve just stopped talking to him. He needed to accept and realize that he was never going to take my dad’s place. I wasn’t going to get used to him, he wasn’t going to take me on nice trips and teach me how to do things or buy me candy on the fair and I wasn’t going to thank him one day for being there for me when my dad wasn’t. These thoughts made me mad and realize how hurt I was. That’s why I was glad that Xaviar took me home with him. I didn’t tell mom about what we talked about yet but she knew that we spent the night in the living room together. I was sure that she was going to talk to me about it later. 

»Are you sure that it’s a good idea that I come with you? I’m sure he wants to be alone with you.« I said when we almost arrived. He shook his head. »It won’t take long. I’ll talk to him and then we’ll hang out.« he said when he parked in front of the garage. We got off the car and walked in. It was quiet. I was wondering where his parents were. I’ve never seen them before and he didn’t talk about them a lot. They must’ve been really busy. 

»Ezekiel!« he shouted, checking if he was home. The silence got worse, as if someone died. He wanted to shout for him again but he came right from the backyard. He was wearing a basketball jersey. Seeing his arms distracted me for a while. He was more muscular than I thought and his shoulders were perfect. I looked away for a second. 

»It’s f*****g 2pm. You don’t sleep that long.« his voice was deep. He was mad. I wanted to ask Xaviar if I should wait outside but he looked at me. That meant that he wanted me to stay. I took a step back and hoped they could act like I wasn’t there. I appreciated that he wanted me to be here but I didn’t want to bother them. 

»You’re right, I don’t. I took my time.« he answered. It seemed like he didn’t care. That was kind of cold but it must’ve had a reason. I was dying to find out what was going on but I promised myself I wouldn’t ask.

»Oh, you took your time?« his clean voice and his raised eyebrows showed that the real storm was coming. »You took your time while I-..« he didn’t continue his sentence. He took a deep breath and Xaviar took over. »I don’t wanna hear anything about it.« he said. There was something in his voice that seemed so strange to me. He looked like he wasn’t bothered but deep inside he must’ve cared. His voice gave it away.

»But you will. Don’t think that I‘ll let it be while you are relaxing.« Ezekiel was really pissed. Xaviar shook his head. »I’m relaxing? I told you that I don’t want to have anything to do with it! It’s not my business anymore!« he raised his voice. I’ve never witnessed that before. He was the calmest and friendliest person I’ve met and I knew that everybody hand a limit but somehow it was really awkward to see him like that but it was good because I wanted to see all of his sides. Actually I hoped that there was something more dangerous, rebellious and lively inside of him. I was asking myself what he would do if he would be really angry. Even thinking of that made me feel aroused. 

»Are you f*****g stupid? This is all about you!« Ezekiel took a step towards him and I was scared that it was going to escalate. »Guys... calm down..« I promised myself to not interfere but I had to break that promise. Although I knew that they wouldn’t kill each other because they were brothers, I still didn’t want them to fight. 

Xaviar’s mood changed. He was breathing heavily. Not because of what he said. It was because of the situation. »Valentina, wait for me in the backyard.« he said, impatiently. He wasn’t even looking at me but it was a good idea. I took a step forwards but Ezekiel stopped me. »No, no. Let her stay. Sending her away won’t save you from it. Why won’t you just tell her about it?« he said and I froze. I didn’t know who to listen to and I wanted to know what he was talking about. What was going on and what was Xaviar hiding? What did he want to tell me? 

»Valentina, please!« Xaviar shouted and I furrowed my eyebrows. He was obviously hiding something. I couldn’t recognize him. I knew that this was what I wished for but something was wrong and I wasn’t amused by it. Why was he stressed so much when he just acted like everything was fine this morning? Was he trying to prove his brother something? I wanted to go to the backyard because I decided that it would be the best but then Ezekiel said »Don’t raise your f*****g voice at her.« and that made my stomach drop. I looked at him and saw how he looked at Xaviar, who was really fed up. I didn’t know what was going on but I didn’t expect his next reaction. 

»Don’t come at me with this bullshit again. I’ll leave now.« he said and turned around. »Wait, where are you going?« I asked but he walked out without reacting to me. I couldn’t believe my ears and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t think he would be the type of person who would leave in a situation like this. It made me question him. Was it such a big deal that he had to leave now? Especially without me? That made bad memories come back but most importantly it got me angry.

»What are you doing?« I asked Ezekiel. He seemed offended by my question. »Excuse me? What I’m doing? I didn’t do anything. He’ll be back when he’ll calm down. Don’t worry about him.« he said and wanted to leave too but I stopped him. I walked towards him and asked »What’s your problem? Why didn’t you just leave him alone?«. He turned around and looked down at me. »Because he has to man up and face his problems.« he answered. I was confused, especially because of the night before but I was sure that he was exaggerating. »You are the one who is causing problems! He told you that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with it!« I snapped and tried to calm down but he triggered me. »You don’t know s**t. He can’t expect me to clean up after him!« he took a step towards me but I didn’t let him do this again. »Then let his problem be his problem and don’t make everything hard for him!« I furrowed my eyebrows. »Are you f*****g kidding me? I’m working my ass off to make his problems disappear. You don’t know what this is about.«. I was going crazy to find out what it was about, especially because Xaviar was so nervous about it and Ezekiel made it seem like it was about me when he told him to tell me about it but I couldn’t ask him. It was okay because everyone was hiding something at some point but this one didn’t want to let me go. 

»I don’t even want to know. He’ll tell me if he feels ready and stressing him won’t help! You keep saying that you’re helping him but you’re pushing him! You’re getting on his nerves and I feel like this isn’t happening way too often!« I was about to let all the poison out. »You should shut up. Now.« he lowered his voice. I kinda started to understand that it wasn’t a good sign whenever he did that. It was worse than when he raised his voice. »Why? Because you can’t stand the fact that you’re a huge egoist?« I asked looking right into his eyes. I wasn’t challenging him, I just wanted to figure it out. 

I will never be able to explain the way I felt when he suddenly grabbed my neck with one hand and came so close that his lips were only inches away from mine. His grip was so tight that I couldn’t breathe. He took choking to another level. I couldn’t even move. For a second I actually thought that he was going to kill me but his eyes told me that he wasn’t going to hurt me. Not in a bad way. I didn’t know where to look... his eyes or his lips.. 

»Stop calling me an egoist.«

I obviously got on his nerves way too much. Otherwise he wouldn’t have almost killed me. I thought he was going to let go when I nodded because I didn’t want to die but he didn’t. His fingers moves but he didn’t let go. He closed the few inches between us. He kissed me so passionately and roughly that I couldn’t react. I froze. I was paralyzed. All my thoughts, memories, feelings, dreams and everything else about me, my name, my identity, my dna, everything disappeared. I didn’t exist anymore. He wasn’t kissing me anymore. He was alone. 

I pushed him away as soon as I felt how cold my body went and how the weight on my shoulders got so heavy that I almost dropped to the ground. I was shaking and felt how my eyes started to burn. 

»You i***t!« I said, almost screaming. I put both of my hands on his chest and pushed him away. He seemed irritated about the whole situation, as if he didn’t expect himself to do this either. I was furious. I felt the urge to cry and I wanted to punch him. »You... you are my first kiss!« I pushed him again but it didn’t make it better. Nothing was going to make it better. I’ve always wanted my first kiss to be with Xaviar. I’ve waited for so long and he destroyed it. He took it away from me and I was never going to take it back. How was I supposed to explain that to Xaviar? It was over. I had to accept it. It was over. 

»I hate you.« I said with a shaking voice and I could see that he felt guilty. He wasn’t happy about it. At least he wasn’t that rude to laugh at me or anything similar to that. He seemed surprised but not as surprised as me.

»I don’t... I’m so-...« he wanted to say something but I didn’t let him finish. I kissed him back. For a second he didn’t move but when he realized what was going on he grabbed my waist and closed the gap between us. His hands were warm, just like his tongue.  

I moaned into his mouth when he squeezed my waist and wrapped my arms around his neck. He started kissing my neck. My head was spinning and I wasn’t thinking about stopping him. My body was burning. I didn’t think about what I was doing because thinking would’ve destroyed it all. It felt so unreal that I wanted to make sure it was real. The feeling that I got all over my body was a feeling that I’ve never felt before and I didn’t want this feeling to go away. This was the first time that I was making out with somebody and it felt delusional. I didn’t even know if I was doing good but I didn’t waste a thought about that because it felt natural.

»Babygirl...« he groaned and slid one hand under my oversized shirt. I shivered and backed off an inch. »It’s okay. We’ll go slow. No need to get nervous.« he whispered. Leaning his forehead against mine. I was breathing heavily. I nodded. He said that we would go slow... that meant there was going to be more... I didn’t know how to handle that. He cupped my face and kissed my nose. Why was he doing that? What made him desire me so much? Not even Xaviar touched me like this. Why did a guy that I couldn’t even talk to properly this close to me? He could’ve done this with any other girl but he was doing it with me and that confused me. I let him do it. Especially right after Xaviar and I decided to try this whole dating thing. The guilt that followed after this amazing feeling was bigger than I could’ve expected. It felt like someone gave me a heavy backpack that I had to carry for the rest of my life. Coming to my senses took way too long. I made a huge mistake and I was confused. 

I wanted this but it was wrong. He was attractive and the s****l tension between us was extreme but that was all I could find between us and that was already too much. I felt like a w***e. This all was making me feel uncomfortable because that was my whole problem. I wanted more, I wanted it worse but I couldn’t act the way I wanted because it would’ve destroyed everything. I couldn’t f**k around or live my unholy thoughts with the perfect guy that was in front of me because that was not how it worked in my world. I couldn’t just not give a f**k about things and live my desire. Even the fact that I was doing this behind Xaviar’s back without saying a word to him about it f****d me up. I was a w***e. I cheated on him before we even got to start our relationship properly. I wanted to hit my head against the wall. 

I was totally irritated. I needed to calm down and take a step back to look at the things from another angle before making more mistakes that would destroy everything, although I was sure that I already did. My head started to burn. It was getting warmer and I wanted to disappear. 

»Vale... are you okay?« he asked. He was out of breath too. He needed to stop doing this. He called me “Vale” in such a beautiful tone. No one has ever called me like that before. He needed to stop doing things that made the butterflies in my stomach fly for him. He needed to stop doing all these tiny special things that made me nervous around him. 

»I need to tell Xaviar about this. I’m going to tell Xaviar about this.« I said, looking straight into his eyes. I was nervous and speaking too fast. His eyes widened but he didn’t seem to panic. »Do it if it makes you feel better, but know that it won’t help you.« he said calmly. He didn’t seem mad about it or as if he wouldn’t like this idea. It wasn’t bothering him... or at least that’s what I thought. 

»What do you mean?« I asked. I was the one who was panicking. »Xaviar has a big heart. He would forgive you but he wouldn’t be able to give you this.« he explained and I knew exactly what he meant but I wanted him to keep talking. »How would you know?« I asked and he rubbed his chin. »He’s not into it. He didn’t even kiss you yet. He wouldn’t understand the desire you have. He’ll never touch you or kiss you like this and you know that.« he answered. I shook my head. »Probably because he isn’t such a douchebag! He’s waiting! Ezekiel... even I don’t understand the desire I have.« I admitted. I felt sick. 

»He isn’t a douchebag? So... you are not the one who’s dying for him to stop “waiting”?« he raised a brow. I clenched my yaw. »You’re not the one who wants to get f****d like a w***e until you can’t feel your legs? A virgin with the mentality of a whore...« he said and I snorted. »I just said that I don’t understand it! Leave me alone!« I snapped and he took a step towards me. »Then let me help you to understand it.« he said softly and I felt my blood pressure get higher again. »So you want me to do what? Leave Xaviar’s side to... find out what I want with you?« I was getting nervous. I could barely look into his eyes. I was really embarrassed. 

»Nobody said you would have to leave his side. I just think that it’s sad how you can’t embrace yourself because of some stupid standards.« he said and I looked away. I needed to stop listening to him. I wasn’t going to let him wash my brain. He was literally offering me something that I could never accept. He was tricking me with his words because he knew exactly how to use them. 

»So, it’s all about lust?« I looked back at him again. He shrugged after thinking about my question for a few seconds. »It’s all about lust.« he answered and I felt a weird feeling in my chest. I took a deep breath. This embarrassing was way too much at once. I’ve never talked to anybody about these kind of things. Neither with my mom, nor with the girls. That was another thing... I seemed so innocent to them that talking about things like these was awkward but if they would’ve only known... did I mention that my mother was strictly religious? She would’ve killed me if she would’ve found out about this or my unholy thoughts or other things... she would’ve been disappointed and it would’ve been more than embarrassing. The girls wouldn’t have thought of me like that anyway because I was so shy on the outside and not really outgoing. I was an introvert and I was proud.

I hated myself. I hated myself so much. Xaviar wanted to hang out after talking to Ezekiel but he left and instead of following him I made out with his brother. I stayed and betrayed him. He couldn’t trust me. I couldn’t even trust myself. He was gone for less than ten minutes and I did this all. I destroyed everything before it began. I’ve never seen anybody like me. I’ve always hated girls who were like this and now I was one of them but I wasn’t going to let that happen. It needed to stop here. 

»I don’t want anything like “friends with benefits” with you and I’m going to tell Xaviar about this because otherwise I won’t be able to sleep at night and I’ll hate myself forever!« I said and wanted to turn around to leave but he roughly grabbed my arm and pulled me back to himself. I tried to free myself immediately but he didn’t let me go so I gave up to listen to what he had to say, promising myself that I would punch him if he would try to kiss me 

»Don’t hate yourself for what you desire the most.« he quietly said and let me go. He backed off and took a few steps backwards to show me the big space between us. I was free to go...