Delirium

Desires

I avoided Xaviar for a few periods on the next day at school. I was going to tell him everything about Ezekiel and me, even if it was going to destroy everything. I knew what I was risking but I was ready to risk it because I couldn’t start this relationship that I’ve wanted for so long with a lie. More lies. It was more than one lie. I just needed to prepare myself for it. I needed to get myself back together and think of a way to explain it to him. I was really nervous and irritated. The guilt that I felt was eating me from the inside. I wished I could’ve turned back in time to change things. I’ve never felt so dirty and weak but I was going to make it up. To him and to myself. 

Thinking about it for more than five minutes stressed me so much that I started sweating and it made me crazy. I needed to talk to him before I would lose it and scream it out. It was bothering me too much and I couldn’t carry it with me any longer. 

I waited for the next break and made my way to Xaviar after I told the girls that I would need to talk to him. I disappeared before they got to ask me any questions. I went to the spot where he used to hang out at with his friends. He was there, just like I expected him to be. I was walking really fast and the closer I got the better I could see his face. He was smiling but it obviously wasn’t a honest smile. He didn’t feel well either, especially not after leaving like that yesterday. I didn’t care about why and how he left or how it all went down or what the problem was. I had things that needed to get off my chest and that was all I cared about for now. 

When he saw me he seemed concerned and told his friends that he would be right back. I kept walking towards him but he started walking towards me. We met in the middle and I tried to stop breathing so heavily, as if I would have a panic attack. I couldn’t stand this feeling that was getting worse and killing me. I thought I prepared myself but I didn’t. Not a bit. 

»Valentina... I’m so sorry.« he said, gently grabbing both of my arms. I tried to find anger in his face but there was nothing. He seemed guilty too. It felt like I was looking into a mirror. My heart was racing. »Xaviar, I-..« he interrupted me. »No, please listen.« he said and I shook my head but he kept going. I didn’t want to hear what he was going to say, I only wanted to tell him everything. »I’m sorry for yesterday.« he started but I tried to change the subject because he was going to apologize for his behavior while I was trying to tell him that I betrayed him and did something bad. He was going to be the good one and I was going to be the dirty one again. I couldn’t let that happen. I promised myself I wouldn’t hurt him, I wouldn’t break his heart. 

»No, Xaviar. It’s okay. I need to tell you something.« I rushed but he didn’t mind. »Me first. I feel awful and I need to make it up.« he was serious. He wasn’t going to let me speak. I should’ve just screamed it out but we were at school. I needed to wait and let him speak first, although I didn’t like that very much. 

»I’m sorry for leaving. I should’ve stayed or taken you with me but my brain didn’t function. There are things I can’t explain to you yet but I will soon..« he continued. »You don’t need to explain anything... I-..« I tried again but it didn’t work. 

He took my hand and held it. I looked at our hands. »I do. If I want this to work out then I need to be honest with you.« hearing this from him broke my heart. He was right. That’s why I felt like s**t. I should’ve been honest with him since the first day that Ezekiel started talking to me. The first time he looked into my eyes and knew exactly that he was right with everything that he said. 

»That’s why I want to apologize for not texting or calling you after that. I wanted to be alone but now I don’t want that anymore...« he slowly shook his head. I felt the urge to cry. He was so honest, lovely, polite, careful and sweet... and I was a fake, stupid, disgusting coward. I was looking into his eyes, although I kissed his brother and let him touch me and look into my soul. I didn’t deserve Xaviar’s hand and his words or his kindness...

»Please don’t look at me like that... I’m really sorry. I will control myself next time and won’t leave you behind.« he felt bad for leaving me behind. He felt bad for leaving when he got angry. For running away from his problems but he wasn’t the only one. At least he was brave enough to face the truth and apologize. He was honest. I couldn’t even do that. I didn’t face my fears or the truth and I wasn’t honest. I was a coward. A big coward. 

»It’s okay. You don’t need to apologize for that.« I finally said something, even if it was so quiet that he almost didn’t hear me. My mouth was dry and I felt weak. I felt really small. It was me who lowered my value. It was me who destroyed it all and I didn’t even have the guts to say a word about it because I was scared that he would leave me, when I knew that I didn’t even deserve him in first place. 

His grip around my hand tightened and he smiled. He finally smiled and that made me feel at least a little bit better but then I remembered that I didn’t deserve that smile. 

»I just need to get used to the fact that there’s a person which I can’t leave behind. No matter what.« he added and kissed my hand. I melted, wishing I would fade away and disappear completely. He was serious. He was trying. I wasn’t. Wasn’t I the one who wanted this more than anything? Who waited patiently? 

»Xaviar, I...« the sudden strength and confidence gave me a boost to get over my fear and finally speak but then I looked into his eyes. The emptiness inside of me was so heavy. He was there, he liked me, he wanted me, he was perfect, he was all I wanted and I was the last thing that he deserved. I looked into his eyes and thought of everything that Ezekiel said. It was probably really bold of me to think of him in this situation but I couldn’t control it. I wished it would’ve been in my hand. 

I cleared my throat and looked at my hand in his hand. Then I looked up into his eyes again and said »I won’t leave you behind either. No matter what.« with a shaky voice. I gave my promise while I had the perfect opportunity to confess the things that I’ve been carrying around with me for weeks.

He pulled me into a close hug and I tried my best to hug him back, although my arms felt really heavy. He didn’t notice it. That was good. I had to give my best to hide it and stay away from Ezekiel but this time for real. I needed to be consequent. 

 ⚡︎

After school I went to The Moon because I needed some coffee and distraction. The lack of energy and motivation was killing me and I needed to study for exams and other things. It was the only place that made me feel good, in every situation. The only place that made being alone feel less painful. 

I got my favorite coffee and sat in a quiet corner and decided to turn my phone off so I could actually concentrate on what I was doing. I texted mom before I did that so she wouldn’t worry. The girls knew where I was and what I was doing when my phone was turned off. 

For the first time in a while I finally got to finish some work and study for coming exams, without getting distracted by my phone or my thoughts because I swore myself that I would let it all be, at least for a hour or more. I needed a break from what was going on in my life in that moment. So much changed in such a short time and I couldn’t keep up with it. My odd life turned into a drama that I didn’t want to be a part of. 

After almost two hours I realized that my back started hurting and that I was exhausted but I felt great because I got a lot of things done. I was actually proud of myself. The Sun was going down and the atmosphere in the coffee shop was really pleasing. The quiet music in the background and the smell of coffee and donuts made me feel even more comfortable in this corner. I ordered another drink, but this time as a reward for my effort. I was going to relax and watch the people around me while drinking it. I took a deep breath and realized how good I felt. It seemed like some time alone with books cleared my head a little bit. I needed to do that more often again like I used to. 

I watched the baristas behind the counters and the couple that was sitting in front of the window. The man with glasses who was typing something in his laptop. I had to smile because he was a cliche. I could’ve sworn that he was wearing a hat in his free time. He was wearing a turtleneck. That was really attractive. I looked away because he looked up from his keyboard and I didn’t want to get caught by him. It would’ve been very embarrassing but being embarrassed like that would’ve been better than seeing Ezekiel on his way to me. My heart dropped and I stopped breathing for a second. Staying away from him didn’t work very well when he was wherever I was. It annoyed me because I didn’t want to share this place with him. Every other place was okay but not this place. I’ve already seen him here before but I didn’t want this to happen all the time. He couldn’t just destroy this place for me. I wasn’t going to let him do that. 

He stopped in front of me, behind the chair across from me. I didn’t want to look at him but that wasn’t going to work anyway. I looked up at him and saw how he looked at me. He smiled. Slightly and softly. He was holding a black cap in his hand. Wearing a white hoodie with black sweatpants beneath. I couldn’t see his shoes but I already knew that his shoe game was strong. 

»Can I... sit down.« he asked and slightly smirked. There were no bad intentions in that smirk so I nodded after giving me a few seconds to think about it. I couldn’t deny that he was confusing me because he seemed so kind and innocent most of the times when he was actually pretty naughty and scary sometimes. There was this damn honesty in his face, his actions and words that made me let my burdens down.

He sat down and I almost smiled when I saw that he was too huge for the petit, subtle chairs. 

»Studying, huh? Good girl.« he said, looking at the books on the table. I put my hair behind my ear and tried to ignore the feeling inside of me. »How is my babygirl doing?« he asked tilting his head and his voice reached that specific seductive level again. I rolled my eyes. I promised Xaviar and myself something. 

»You don’t really mean it. Say that to your other babygirls.« I said, not being rude at all. I didn’t want to act mad. I even smiled, trying to not turn this into an argument. 

I put my elbow on the table and leaned my chin on my fist. 

He looked around and shrugged. »It makes you smile and feel good, doesn’t it? I’m making pretty girls happy. What’s wrong with that?« he asked, smiling back the same way but I felt how my stomach dropped. I couldn’t say that I wasn’t a little bit hurt by what he said. It wasn’t like I was sure that he wasn’t a fuckboy but hearing him not deny it made me sad for some reason, although I shouldn’t have cared about it. It was probably because he made me feel so special and comfortable. Realizing that he was doing this with more girls at the same time made me feel sick and used. He was my first kiss and it was something huge for me while I was just another girl for him. That’s exactly why I didn’t want any of this. I was going to keep my distance because staying away from him was impossible. I also needed to get rid of this awful feeling that came with the thought of him with other girls. I couldn’t explain myself why it bothered me so much because there was literally no need to be jealous. What he was doing was none of my business. I wasn’t going to be one of the girls that he made happy. 

»Nothing.« I said and shook my head. I wasn’t going to discuss this with him anyway.  

He ordered something to drink and I watched him. From the outside he really didn’t look like somebody who was trying to destroy his brothers relationship with a girl that he just started to like. He didn’t seem like someone who wouldn’t respect his brother, who would pull the opposite and stab him in the back. Someone who betrayed his own brother was capable of doing anything. He probably had no limits. He just seemed like he did but at some point I was sure that he was careless. 

»Tell me, how is it going.« he said and I was confused for a second. »It’s good.« I nodded and he took a sip of his coffee. Was he really going to have small talk with me? »You know what I mean.« he said and I told myself “I told you”. I knew that this was going to take another turn. »Actually, no.« I lied. I didn’t know why. Maybe because I wanted to hear it from him because I liked it when he talked. »How is it going with your interests... desires.. the burdens that you can’t let down.« he seemed pretty interested in all these things. I slightly furrowed my eyebrows. What did he expect? That I really sat at home and worked on it? I wasn’t sure I was really going to talk to him about this. Thinking of being able to talk about a subject like this with somebody was exciting but it was the wrong person. 

He sighed and leaned back. »You’re so uptight. And boring.« he said and I actually felt attacked, although it shouldn’t have affected me. It was just that I knew that it was the opposite and couldn’t show him. I wanted to show him, talk to him about it, listen to his opinion on it and so much more but it just wasn’t right. He wasn’t the right person to discuss it with. 

I leaned back and crossed my arms in front of my chest. »If you say so.« I said. This time I was challenging him. »So you want to tell me otherwise?« he asked, leaning back in, totally curiously. He leaned his elbows on the table and looked straight into my eyes. I hated how comfortable I felt next to him. I was a little nervous but comfortable. »I’m not going to say anything.« I said and suppressed my smile. I should’ve been ashamed of having to smile, although everything that I’ve promised myself but it was obvious that he couldn’t leave me alone either. Of course he knew that I didn’t tell Xaviar anything. Otherwise he wouldn’t have been sitting in front of me so casually. 

»Hmm. Would you kidnap someone, murder him, cut his throat open, cover yourself in his blood, rip his face off and wear it as a mask with me?« he asked, lowering his voice. He was almost whispering. His voice reached every inch of my body. His words reached every corner of my soul. I had to swallow the feelings that were coming up and suppress the goosebumps that these thoughts gave me. He said things that I wished for so deeply... No one has ever said these things to me... no one has ever said the things that I wanted to hear so badly... no one has ever imagined the same as me and said it out loud. He did.... it must’ve been a dream. I always thought that I was the only one who has these scenarios in her head and actually enjoyed it. The only one who thought it was exciting, attractive and arousing. Deep down I prayed that he wasn’t testing me to find out how crazy I was. I wanted this to be real so much. 

Either I’ll lose everything now or win.

I slowly leaned in, just like he did. There were only inches left between our faces. He looked into my eyes. I looked into his eyes. Neither of us looked away. He was waiting for my answer and so was I. My heart was pounding really hard. 

»Yes.« I whispered. 

»How about giving someone permanent scars of your choice and cutting their tongue off to watch them panic and try to talk, knowing they’ll never be able to do it again. Watch them struggle...« he continued. One more example and I was going to fall in love with him. None of us had any facial expression, yet we knew exactly what the other one was feeling. 

»Yes.« I whispered again. 

»Marry me.« he whispered back. 

My heart stopped for a second. 

»Are you serious?« he asked when I didn’t say a word. He was really serious. There was nothing in his voice or his facial expression that told me that he was playing. I nodded, although I was afraid of giving an answer. »Where have you been all my life?« he asked and my heart dropped to my ass. I couldn’t explain the way I felt when he said things like these but it was like time stopped and only we existed. »I’d love to get to know you.« he continued and I loved how he filled the gaps that I created with not saying a word. I was too surprised. Just like him. »You already know me better than everyone else.« I admitted. Still so quietly that almost only I could hear me. 

What I said wasn’t a lie. 

»I’m glad I do but not enough yet.« he said, still looking into my eyes. I bit my lower lip. I got nervous because of all the feelings and thoughts that came towards me. I was afraid of what I was going to do. I took a deep breath and realized that I was slightly shaking. I opened my mouth to say something but in that moment his ringing phone saved me. He slowly backed off and looked at the screen of his phone. Then he answered the call. 

»Supp Red Hood?« he asked. For some reason I loved the way he talked. His voice was really pleasing. He kept looking into my eyes during the call. He smiled and I tried to smile back.

»I’m on my way, don’t s**t your pants.« he said and laughed. Again, I felt sad because I knew that he had to leave and I was asking myself where he was going. I thought he was coming from somewhere and on his way home but it seemed like his day just began. »Alright.« he said and hung up. He took a deep breath and said »I gotta go.«. I was sad that our moment didn’t last any longer. »Oh, okay. Where?« I asked and tried to make it sound like a normal question, as if I wasn’t curious as hell. Obviously I succeeded because he answered. »Practice.« and slowly stood up. I slowly nodded and tried to smile again. I didn’t even know how to say goodbye. He was always the one who left and made it easy. 

He looked around and bit his lower lip. 

»Wanna come with me?« he asked. 

I rubbed my neck and finally smiled.