The Last Denial

They should have let me win. I was leading the pack for most of the marathon until the other runners caught up with me. I blame the shoes. My achilles scrubbed against the back of them for two miles before I stopped to adjust. With my skin turned raw I fought to finish. Third place still gave me a trophy, but no cash, which I desperately need. Tina chuckled as she passed me, tilting her head to the side like an animal, forming her fingers like claws when she broke the tape. It was ugly. Although I was upset, Richard made me smile, giving himself a hug as I came through the finish line. Too many times I've been in this position. Almost there..never quite enough to hit the bank. I'd promised myself this would be the last race of the year, whether I won or not. "So what about that job application?" He teased me as I rolled about on my back stretching. Sunday marked the begining of a new year, so I was sure it'd be easy to find work. It is desperately disappointing though. Being a part of the rat-race is far from my dream. Plans for the new year include booze and visiting the parade. I'd told Rick not to get too wasted. He kept a gentle nature about himself, but was a wicked drunk. The last time we partied he tore my wig off and waved it in the air yelling again and again, "Any takers?" I blacked out before he had s*x with the other woman, but at least she was decent enough to leave before I woke up. The lipstick stains on his trousers said it all. We never spoke of it. "How's about a cupcake champ? Don't let it get you down, they'll be more races." He put his arm over my shoulders as we headed to the car. "Yeah, but you know I needed this one." "I don't understand you. What's so hard about clocking in? I do it nearly every day." I frowned. Up the steps to our trailer the carpet was damp as a leak finally took its' toll. He'd vowed to fix it months ago but like so many other endeavors, it never got done. We stepped over the bucket and let ourselves in. The couch engulfed me like a cocoon and sleep came soon. Richard wasn't much of a comfort. In fact, he picked at me so much I often told myself I should call it quits. After seven years he proposed. Taking me to visit his cousin he told me not to speak until the lights went off. Before I could question it we stepped into this woman's candlelit house. Popping a bottle of champagne as she smiled at me, he went on bended knee. The ring was impressive. It was twelve carats and too small for my finger. I love the way his forehead wrinkled up when he tried to force it on. But it fit on my pinky finger. Two months later we sold it at the pawn shop to pay rent. Richard wasn't much of a comforter. He woke me up with a sheepish grin and sausage, saying: "You know you want it." I growled, snatching th covers back over my head. Soon after, the television began blaring sportscasts. It felt like I'd only slept a few minutes. Tiptoing to the bathroom agitated my ankle. He winked at me when I tripped on the recliner. Something changed from when we met. I supposed all relationships have a honeymoon phase. Whatever difference there was, I can't place. But our dynamic was eerie. It was like we'd suddenly became movie stars and no one noticed. All the amenities minus the cash. Sarah knocked on the door as I stumbled back towards the couch. "Terrars here!" He yelped twisting his head back. After I named his friend 'Bob the Snob', she became 'Sarah the Terror'. It was our secret, although I think she'd heard him. Figuring it was his way of calling her a nerd, I never explained it to her. She pranced grinning from ear to ear, traipsing about the house like a mime. "Sorry about the race 'Chickadee'. Michelle told me you placed third. How's your leg?" She sat on arm of the couch. Taking a moment to respond, I raised up from beneath the covers like a corpse. "What do you care? You never show up anyway!" I barked. "Yeah, but I wanted you to win. Jeez, girl..don't you think it's time for an upgrade?" Shooting up out of the recliner, Richard waved his finger at us, pretending to forbid the banter.There was little assurance without some quarrel, but he knew it was good-natured. She always pushed like some kind of drunken mentor. "Not today please honey. I need some rest. Did you want something?" "Well yeah I know it's bad timing, but I wanted to tell you about a job that just opened up at the hospital. They call it 'Sterile Processing'. Pays good money and the training is easy. What do you say?" "I guess..I do need a job. When can I start?" I stared at her blankly. "That's why I rushed over here. James just quit so if you come by tomorrow I'm sure they'll put you on. Shall I give them your number?" "If it involves me getting back to sleep soon you can give them my leg!" She chuckled. "I'll take that as a yes. OK girl. Be there tomorrow 8am sharp and I'll make sure they put you on." "Fine. Goodbye." She left. As my conscience blurred, restlessness overcame my urge to sleep. Somewhere in our single-wide paradise there should be something to do besides dishes. I settled for toying with the tarot deck. This pastime had been an obsession of mine for a while. That was until I nearly drowned after performing a reading. I'd told the client the cards suggested they they stop searching for a lover and find content with themselves..being alone. After hearing this his immediate response was: "That means, me and you are meant to be together!" He smiled wide with glassy eyes. This made me gentle. Telling the Doe over and over again as many ways as I could explain, that's not what I meant. It made no difference to me as I was being paid by the minute to serve him. Too bad I lost my cool. Twenty minutes into this volley I was so agitated that I slammed shut the laptop and left, still grumbling when I jumped into the pool. Slipping against the edge of the pavement, panic didn't set in until I saw blood. I felt a foot upon my head as I fought to climb from the water. She kicked about madly, using my shoulders to reach above me. The girl seemed to appear out of nowhere, thrashing about like a poor beast. Deep within the confines of the mind there lingers a gap between safety and pain. A force of nature. The suspension of time as life flashes before your eyes. The purest element of the soul becomes exposed and loses guard the method that had once obtained it. Stuck between parallels, my heart skipped as I edged toward the surface. This reading would fate my new career path. I'm not sure what I hoped to gain from it, but I enjoyed the pastime. The cards revealed that I would face some hidden adversities and should be careful with whom I associate. I couldn't get the vision of the hanged man out of my mind. He dangled from the tree with perfect posture. I told myself I'd have to be an acrobat to keep up on the job. Although I hadnt started yet, somehow I knew it would be a challenge.