Second Life by Hirayawa

If the definition of work means staring into a screen that emits enough radiation to kill me gradually, then, I am counting my days by trying to earn a living. My back is killing me. These pair of eyes is kinda droopy. My black hair, well it's not messy yet. But one thing I know is that, this was not what I expected the moment I chose what I’m “passionate” about. Maybe, my imagination sucks and reality is just nothing to joke for. “Ellie…” There he goes. Another set of papers to rush, I guess. I never really miss his face at all. Like, my office life would be peaceful for once, as long as I don't see him. “Yes, Michael?” I tried to sound as pleasing as possible. I love my job, I swear. I need to be kind, but sometimes I wish I don't have to. “Boss, wants this by 5 pm and I have a date with a hot girl from the next building in an hour…” This guy. How many date has he been going into these past few months? I can’t even bother to eat out by myself and enjoy some free time, I don’t pity myself though. “Sure, no problem. I have nothing much to do anyway.” Liar. “You can go…” Bad liar. Yes, flash another fake smile. “You’re the best, Ellie. Really.” He said while barely tapping my shoulder. If only that was a sincere compliment, then I could have flashed him a genuine smile but you see, I have this gut feeling, this curse of not trusting a persons word and action easily. Is it a phobia? I don’t know. It just happened, like a sudden rain during a busy day and unluckily, even if you have an umbrella, you don’t have the energy to open it up and allow yourself to enjoy the rain without getting wet. Do I sound sad? Well, I am not, actually. I feel happy going to work everyday, especially on field. But someone keeps ruining my mood by pushing me around, and I just can’t say “no”. Sounds, shitty. Yeah, it does. You would have thought that I allowed myself to be manipulated by someone, but I think it's just difficult to neglect something you grew up doing and you promised to do. Be kind. Be friends with other people. Even if they're mean, treat them kindly. Promise me. And I just hate the fact that my heart was too obedient to honor a dead man's wish. --------------------------------------- “Sir, Michael asked me to give you these…” Though I’m nervous, I tried to hide it. Well most employee do get nervous when facing their boss but, in my case it’s not the same. These tense feelings does not come from an employee fearing her CEO but from someone who recognizes a person’s gaze, his smell, and even the coffee he likes to drink. “I never knew you would allow such a low person to bully you…” Without looking at me, he uttered those words like I’m just his normal subordinate. He’s done with me. He finally moved on. Right, you’re doing it just right. “I beg to disagree, he’s not bullying me... I helped him” I respondend still trying to calm myself as I place the folder on his table. “Helped? That’s kinda strange hearing from you.” He snickered as he lifted his eyes to my direction. We met each others gaze and for a nick of time, I knew. He’s no longer the Reiko I know. Or was I wrong? Do I really know him at all? “You see, people change Reiko, I mean Sir.” I caused you to change as I attempted to change myself. We both change but not for each other. I guess everything was a lie after all. How pathetic of me to love you, to believe you'll be with me. “Yeah, you did change, El.” Now he’s standing in front of me. I can smell his mint perfume. Stop it. “Maybe…” I took the courage to closely look at his eyes once more, they are still as blue as the sky. But they don’t speak to me anymore. It’s beautiful but I can’t see myself in its reflection. “ I have to go, Sir. The papers are done so, if you’ll excuse me.” I have to leave, he is no longer a part of me and I am accepting it now. "Wait," I halted as I felt his hand on my left arm. "Take this umbrella, looks like it will rain. " He murmured without lookingat me. I gave him a confuse look then took the umbrella from his hand. "Thanks, I think I should leave now." I uttered to signal him that he must let go of me. ---------------------------------------- “Why can’t they get the weather report right?!” Soaked in rain, the lady next to me on the shed has been complaining loudly. I can understand madam. The rain can either be a blessing or a curse. Each person has different perspective and I think it’s just wonderful. “I really like the rain, so take my umbrella madam.” Handing my already opened umbrella to her, I gave a bright smile and run out of the shed. It’s not a lie though. I like the rain, it made me feel like a child. Its little droplets tingles my skin like marshmallows hitting the roof of my mouth or cotton candies melting on the tip of my tounge. It made me happy, even though my tears are about to fall too. Now, as I run under such downpour, I can see odd looks from people in sheltered pathways. I can’t hear what they say but somehow I can feel the weight of their stares. If it was the young me, I would have confronted them, shout or curse at them, but I think I don’t even have the energy to do such thing anymore. Do I sound like an old lady? Well, maybe. My father was kinda right when he told me how age and “situations” would change a person. When you have problems, sometimes you will cry, but most of the time even crying becomes a luxury. Good thing for me, I can cry everytime it rains. No one would know, no one would notice. Whether it’s a raindrop or my tear, it’s perfectly covered. Cloaked by the cold rain, these tears just keeps watering my broken soul. So, please, let it rain, until the pain ends.