When You Left

Chapter 7 Depressed

Chapter 7

Depressed

Time flashes like how your favorite movie end. Feeling mo, ang bilis. Yung tipong akala mo hindi pa naman umaabot sa trenta minutos yung palabas, matatapos na pala. Just like a blink of an eye, you'll realize... time passes by... just like that.

Sa loob ng dalawang buwan na nagdaan, this is my first morning that I don't need to think an inspiration to get out of bed. Kahit mahirap may galak parin sa puso ko para tumayo sa araw na ito. Not like the other months... it's been hell.

Nagising ako sa isang puting kwarto sa pangalawang pagkakataon sa buwan na iyon. Hindi ko na kailangang magulat dahil mukhang alam ko na ang nangyari.

"Anak, you're awake..." mahinang sabi sa akin mommy habang paimpit na naiiyak sa gilid ko.

Bahagya ko namang liningon si daddy na nasa likod niya.

"Krizhia, what you're doing is worrying us to death! You cannot go on like this!" Dad roared, mahina naman siyang pinigilan ni mommy gamit ang kamay.

"Dad, I just want to sleep peacefully..." napapaos man ay nahanap ko ang boses para mag salita.

"By taking all your sleeping pills?" Sagot naman nito sa akin sa marahang boses ngayon. "Anak, you are making this worst..."

"This is already worst..."

My mom caress my hair and I find it soothing. She smiled at me. For the past weeks, after that incident with Jam hirap na akong makatulog. Wala akong gana sa kahit na ano. My mind is clouded with so many things and everytime I closed my eyes it just repeat in my head over and over again!

How Jam looked inside that car with her own blood clothing her. If I just try to listened to her it surely won't be like this...

Sa araw na iyon maraming sinabi ang doktor, kilala ko na siya sa mukha dahil siya palagi ang tumitingin sa akin nitong nagdaang aksidente. Hindi ko na inalaman ang pangalan niya dahil wala naman akong pakialam.

"You can't go home for a while..." he huskily said while looking at me.

My parents are there too, listening to what this doctor says. Napakunot ang noo ko at noon ko lang siya hinarap.

"Why?" I asked agressively. Ayoko dito!

"We need to monitor you for your current situation-"

"No! I don't want to be here!" I yelled as I look at him sharply.

Bakit ako mananatili dito? Wala naman akong sakit kaya uuwi ako!

"You need to, Krizhia. You're condition can get worst if we let you go on like this."

Lalong nag init ang ulo ko sa sinabi niya. Sino ba siya at akala niya alam niya ang nangyayari sa akin? Ang mga nasa ospital lang ay iyong may malalang sakit!

"I am not ill! Ayoko dito! Uuwi ako!"

"Calm down... you will be safe here... no one can harm you..." he said softly.

"Don't treat me like that! I am not ill or anything! Ayoko nga dito!" Halos lumabas ang ugat ko sa leeg kakasigaw.

Ang kamay naman ni mommy ay nasa braso ko pero wala naman sa akin iyon. Naiinis ako sa lalaking nasa harap ko kasi mapapel siya! Who do he think he is?

I was about to snatch out my dextrose but he immediately held my hand. Natigilan ako doon. He held it softly sa paraang makakalma ako. My tears pooled and ready to flow pero pinigilan ko. Halos habulin ko rin ang aking hininga.

I looked up at him, the doctor.

"It's okay. You can cry..."

Nag alab ang puso ko sa emosyon. Sino siya para sabihin na pwede akong umiyak?! I tried to maintain my menacing face... to look angry... I tried to pull out my hand from his grasp but he won't let me.

Hindi ako iiyak! For weeks, I didn't cry kaya bakit ngayon iiyak ako? I don't have the rights to shed any tears anymore! My dear friend died and I am ashamed when I found myself mourning for her! I am the reason why I'm in this situation so why will I cry!

A tear fell and I pulled out my hands from him so I can wipe it away immediately. Nagtuloy tuloy iyon na halos humagulgol ako. I hate it. I hate this! Yakap ni mommy ang umalo sa akin sa oras na iyon.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras ang lumipas na nakasandal lang ako sa kaniya habang umiiyak. Nakaupo siya sa kama ko habang yakap ako.

"She can't take care of herself, she doesn't like to eat so my say to this is for her to really stay here for a while..." narinig kong sabi ng doctor. Siguro ay kausap si daddy.

"Then so be it. I can't stand seeing her like this..."

Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng kapit sa akin ni moomy hanggang sa makatulog ako sa araw na iyon. Kapag nagigising ay tulala lang. Wala rin akong kinakausap dahil bukod sa madalang ang punta nila mommy dito dahil iyon ang sabi ng doktor, wala naman akong sasabihin sa kanila.

"Your phone is with me... ang daming texts ni Basty at isang beses ko lang nireplyan. Hindi ko sinabi ang nangyayari sa'yo dahil sabi mo ayaw mo..." sabi sa akin ni mommy isang hapon ng dumalaw siya dito.

Wala si dad dahil may tinatapos daw na trabaho. Kahina pa nagk'kwento si mommy pero hindi naman ako nag r'react. Ngayon palang.

"Don't tell him anything." I coldly said.

I can feel the beating of my heart. Then I feel my anger... towards myself. This is the man whom I deeply love and because of that love someone had died. I cannot forgive myself.

"Hindi mo pa sinabi ang tungkol kay Jam, paano kung sa iba niya pa malaman?" Dugtong pa ni mommy pero hindi ko na siya pinansin.

Ayoko nang isipin pa iyon. Lumipas ang mga araw at linggo na ganoon ang routine ng buhay ko. The doctor said eventually I will be fine. Hindi ako pwede sa bahay dahil hindi naman daw ako makakatulog doon. I will just take all of my sleeping pills again to sleep, then ma'ooverdose ako.

Gaya nalang ng nangyari nitong buwan. He said, I will be more comfortable here and I can sleep peacefully. Naalu ako sa ganoon, what he said is true though. Each passing day he would tell my progress. Napapansin ko rin naman iyon sa sarili ko.

"By the next day you can already go home..." marahan niyang sabi sa akin isang beses nang mag rounds siya sa araw na iyon.

I smiled weakly and nodded, "Thank you..." I finally said.

After almost a month, ngayon lang ako nag pasalamat sa kaniya. And it means for all things. Sa pasensya niya sakin, sa pag aalaga dito. Hindi maganda ang kalagayan ko noong dinala ako dito, now I know that. And I know too, na sanay naman na siya sa ganito but I just wanted to tell him how grateful I am.

Baka magsisi pa ako kapag hindi ko sinabi iyon. One regret is enough for one lifetime. Two is much heavier to bear.

He nodded at me while smiling, "I hope not to see you again," napataas ang kilay ko doon, he chuckled, "In this state... I mean. I wish you well, Kri... Remember what I told you?"

I nodded. "We create our own demons so, we are the one who's responsible for their judgment..." I said. Remembering how many times did he said that before I finally understood.

Nag ayos ako para kaharapin ang isang panibagong araw. My parents are so happy after I went home that day from the hospital. Sana daw ay hindi na maulit ang nangyari.

I am happy for myself too. Somehow, I understand my act. I get depressed so I act that way. I don't know what to do with my life, I guess that's my turning point.

Lahat naman tayo ay ganoong phase sa buhay. Kung saan nalulugmok tayo, thinking, why do we end up here? Bakit ito kailangang mangyari? Why us? It is too much to bear so why it happened?

What I realized while I am in that hospital is, asking is too much. Sa bawat tanong natin lagi lang nadadagdagan yung bigat na dala dala natin. That instead of make a way for us to prosper, we are making bunch of questions that can lead us into our self-destruction. Mahirap, pero posible.

We asked, bakit sa atin pa nangyari ito? What do we mean by that, it is much better if other people experience that? Do we must wanted that? No. I never wish anything bad happen to other people kahit na masama ang ugali ko. But by simply asking that myself, I realized it is what my mind is telling me. Na sana sa iba nalang nangyari at hindi sa akin.

And it's scary.

I always hear the quote that everything happens for reason. Kaya nangyari iyon dahil may dahilan, maybe may mas magandang bagay na mangyayari kaya ganoon. I call fudge on that. I need a deeper meaning on that text and I found it. In me. In my heart.

Everything happens for a reason. And the reason why it happen to me is because I did something that I shoudn't. It was the result of my acts that's why it happened. People just tend to manipulate the meaning of everything for their own good and comfortation. I cannot take that in my own.

Bumaba ako sa hagdan para sa agahan namin. The smile on my face can't just seem to fade away. Sinalubong naman din ako ng ngiti ng aking magulang.

I seat in front of my mom at si daddy ay sa kabisera.

"The permit for your building is done. The construction will begin tomorrow..." dad said the moment I sat.

Masaya ko naman siyang hinawakan sa kamay niyang nakapatong sa mesa.

"Really, dad? Thank you!" He chuckled on my respond.

I wanted to have my own restaurant that's why I asked them for this. Sabi ko ay babayaran ko sila kapag naging successful ako and they said it's fine and I don't need to. But I want that so I'll still probably do that.

Natapos ko ang college but sad to say, hindi ako naka punta noong graduation dahil sa naging kondisyon ko. Masakit na tanggapin iyon pero masaya naman ako ngayon. But thinking how much I imagine myself finally walking in that stage with my diploma still make my heart ache.

"Pupuntahan ko si Engr. Zarino kung ganoon, daddy. To tell him that the construction will start the next day..." I said soflty kahit na excited na excited na ako.

"Yeah, you should do that..."

"I'm happy for you, anak..." my mom said.

Agad naman akong napatingin sa kaniya. I smiled at her.

"I'm happy too, mommy..."

Hindi na ako nag tagal pa sa bahay at dumiretso na sa napagusapan naming restaurant noong engineer. Hinatid ako ni manong. Hindi na kasi ako makapag drive. Everytime I try, I can't seem to function.

And sabi, trauma daw iyon at ma'oovercome ko pa. It's fine anyway, mas mabuti na ata sa akin iyon.

"Goodmorning Engr. Zarino, sorry for the short notice..." I gladly shook his hand as we seat in a restaurant.

Umiling naman ito sa akin, "No problem, Ms. Marin. Nasabi mo na naman sa akin ito kaya walang problema. So, the designs of your architect, iyong pinakita mo sa akin, that's final, then?" Baritonong boses na tanong nito.

"Yes..."

Tumango siya. Hindi rin naman nag tagal ang aming pag uusap dahil finalizing nalang iyon. I very much appreciate him for this favor. Maliit na proyekto lang kasi ito kumpara sa mga kinukuha niya. I know he is under Z.Corp, which have chain of hotels, as an engineer.

Si daddy ang kumausap sa kaniya because my dad knows his dad and he is very smooth to work with.

Nang nakauwi ako sa bahay ay agad akong nag palit ng mas komportableng damit. Nang makaupo sa kama ay tumunog ang aking cellphone sa hindi inaasang tawag.

Sebastian's calling. Sa gulat ay halos hindi ako huminga habang nakatitig doon. For past two months, puro text ang pinapadala niya sa akin. Hindi siya tumawag kahit minsan. Dahil kung oo ay sasabihin sa akin ni mommy iyon dahil siya ang may hawak ng cellphone ko noong mga panahon na nasa ospital ako.

I understand it, he's mad at me. I even think that we broke up, hindi ba? At kaya lang siya nag t'text ay dahil nakasanayan na niya at dahil may pinagsamahan naman kami?

Bago pa mamatay ang tawag ay sinagot ko iyon. It's not a videocall. Thank God.

"Hello?" I greeted.

Hindi siya sumagot agad. Akala ko ay wala na ang tawag pero nag salita siya.

"Kri..." his voice is husky. Gabi sa kaniya ngayon kung hindi ako nagkakamali.

"Bakit?"

I heard him sighed, "How are you?" Magaspang ngunit mahinanon niyang tanong.

"I'm... okay," sagot ko. It took him minutes again to reply. Akala siguro niya ay may sasabihin pa ako.

Wala naman akong maisip na sabihin? Ngayon lang siya ulit tumawag at nab'blanko ang isip ko ngayon. Noong graduation ay tinext niya lang ako. Congratulating me and I didn't even reply to that.

"You... didn't... tell me about Jam," mababa at mabagal niyang sabi.

Napakurap kurap ako. I swallowed hard. Halos bumalik sa akin lahat ng nangyari but I remain my composed self. The last time we've talked, is the night Jam died.

Huminga ako ng malalim. "Who told you?"

"Wala ka ngang balak sabihin sa akin?"

Hindi ako nakasagot, actually, simula noong lumabas ako sa ospital ay nawala na iyon sa isip ko. Dinadalaw ko si Jam but I didn't even think of telling me him about it. Kahit nag t'text siya sa akin. Feeling ko kasi, parang cycle nalang rin iyon. Routine.

"I saw Tom here earlier. They have a vacation here at nabanggit niya sa akin kung ayos ka na daw ba. Hindi ka na daw kasi nag paramdam simula noong nangyari kay Jam, and imagine my horror, Kri!" Frustrated niyang sabi.

Hindi ko naman alam ang sasabihin ko o ang irereact. Damn, I miss his voice and it pinch my heart that it aches!

"I... I'm sorry..." I uttered. The last time we've talked, ito lang din ang nasabi ko.

"Kri..."

"H-Hindi ko nasabi kasi, diba, galit ka? I... I thought, we broke up?" Naginginig kong sabi. The tears beside my eyes is ready to fall but I manage not to.

"Broke up? Walang mag hihiwalay sa atin Kri! Ano bang sinasabi mo? I finish my units here, earlier than possible so that I can go home already and surprise you. Hindi pa ako nakaka uwi, nasorpresa na ako?"

Gusto kong ngumiti sa narinig ko sa kaniya. Pero hindi ko nagawa. Kahit gaano ako kasaya sa sinabi niya feeling ko, hindi ko parin kayang maging tunay na masaya. I think being too much happy is f*******n. I am happy in my condition right know, but not too much.

"Sorry..." muli kong sabi.

"I am worried about you... so much worried..." ang malamig na boses niya ay pumapasok sa sistema ko.

My heart hurts so much because of joy. Pwede ba iyon? Hindi iyon pwede.

"Okay lang ako..." sagot ko sa kaniya.

Alam ko na ito, kapag may problema ako, mas problemado pa siya sa akin. Kasi alam niya hindi ko kayang mag isa. He's with me through everything kaya noong nawala siya, look where it got me.

"Uuwi na ako," napaayos ako ng upo sa sinabi niya. Bakit siya uuwi?

"Hindi pa tapos ang course mo?"

"Tapos na. I graduated grade twelve kaya apat na taon lang ay natapos ko na iyong course ko. Matagal ko nang alam but I decided not to tell you to suprise you," bahagya siyang tumigil, "But you surprise me instead... my mind is on chaos because of what I've heard. Mag uusap tayo pag uwi ko..."

Nang gabing iyon hindi ako makatulog. Hindi dahil marami akong iniisip, isa lang naman. Siya lang naman. Hindi pa ako ready na makita siya! Masyado akong nabigla.

He reminded me of so many things that I did, at hindi ko gusto iyon. He reminded me of Jam's death. Ayoko noon. Wala siyang kasalanan kaya dapat hindi ko nararamdaman iyon.

I still need to fix myself and I cannot let him know about that. I am a mess and he don't deserve to be with me. All this time, he's the good one, I am always the one who needs the saving. Kaya kung uuwi siya at malalaman ang mga nangyari, mapapatunayan lang na hindi ko talaga kaya kapag wala siya.

Atleast, kung sa susunod na taon pa siya uuwi, may narating na ako kahit paano. Pero ngayon? When did my heart change? Last time, I wanted him to be with me instead of going away, now, I don't want to see him yet.