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Chapter 5:Monsters Part Two

Does that matter? "You can ask Antoinette if you don't believe me."

"Do you think if I ask her who Erik is she will tell me he's a freak she stole from a cage once?"

He had no answer to that.

"Because I've spoken to her about you, and she didn't tell me this story. You want to know what she told me?"

Do I? "What?"

"She said you were her boy and asked me to take care of you."

"That's kind of her", he shrugged, feeling somewhat calmer against his own will, "but it's beside the point. The point is that you think I'm a maniac, so you might as well know why that is."

„Do I? Because that's not what I said. There's a whole world between „impulsive and aggressive at times" and „maniac". If I thought you were a maniac, I'd be smart enough not to have this conversation with you. Have you noticed yet that I'm perfect at avoiding dangerous people?"

Erik suddenly realized why he wanted to tell Alina what he was going to do. He wanted her to talk him out of it. Even more, he wanted her to know the things he thought about and wanted to do so she could argue with him, and he could see if she thought he was a monster. But now he had given away much more than he had intended to - she knew so much about him, he felt like he was losing his ground. The more she knew, the more likely she was to see the simple truth of it.

„I'm a monster. You just haven't noticed that yet."

She took a moment to think, slowly lowering herself down in one of the chairs.

„This seems to be a recurring theme with you", she said burying her face in her hands.

„No one knows that as well as I do."

„I have to admit I have no idea how to solve this problem."

„I agree with that too." He prepared himself for the blow.

„No, I mean, the problem of you having dysfunctional ingrained ideas about yourself and others which I only now found out have been beaten into you with an actual whip. I have no idea what to tell you because nothing I tell you will erase it." She sighed. „I can tell you're not a monster, that people who put children in cages are real monsters, but it won't matter if you don't believe me, because you can always tell yourself I'm just delusional."

But I want to believe her so badly. Can't she reassure me some more?

„What would help is that you try to tell yourself the same things I told you", said Alina, the professional. I'd prefer to have Alina the friend back. I'll be lucky to see that one again.

„I know more about me than you do. It's not convincing."

„Well, the logical conclusion would be that you tell me everything that bothers you then, and I can make an informed decision about your humanity", she said. He decided to ignore the sarcasm.

„I can't do that."

„Why not?"

Because if you decide what I think you will, you'll be gone. And I couldn't stand that. I don't want to be alone again. He was still not entirely certain the blow wouldn't come right now.

„I just can't."

She shrugged. „As you wish. But I wish you would think about what I said. Maybe in time some of it could even get through your thick skull."

„Please. So far not even a wooden bat could get through my thick skull."

A sudden burst of loud laughter erupted from Alina in the middle of that cursed mess of a conversation. Erik was glad to see her back being herself, if only for this moment.

ooo

Alina was at her wit's end for weeks. She felt as if she had aged a decade.

Erik was... not himself, she thought, but at the same time he was; ever since she found him in that alley. It was all very random and confusing, and even though she could understand why he'd act like this, it still bothered her. He scared her just a little, but she knew that if she so much as the thought that too loudly, he'd get even worse. So she pretended with all of her heart that it didn't bother her, and tried to reassure him that everything was fine.

He was moody and hard to talk to. He would get irritated easily when she was around, but when she was away for a while and came back he would be irrationally nervous, scared, and often angry; but the explanations for why he was like that or what was wrong sounded like nonsense to her. Alina felt as if every time she left the house he expected her not to ever come back, and then when she was back he would sometimes act like she meant to leave but changed her mind at the last moment. He found offense and accusation in the most innocent things she said, and then she could barely convince him that he misunderstood her – even though he misunderstood her all the time! It would get worse when he was alone or had nothing to do, and then better again after she was home for a while. He never voiced his thoughts openly, but Alina could read between lines – not to mention she had quite a lot of experience in noticing other people's anxiety and agitation. She noticed his nightmares getting worse again as well. She could sometimes hear him waking up and pacing around his room in the middle of the night. She realized his movements had that strange, ghostly feel about them as they did when she first met him – she hadn't even noticed when it stopped, but she noticed now that it was back.

She spent a lot of time with Yana that month. They would go out on walks, talk about life or sit at home and try to relax. They both still worked nearly all the time; the moments of leisure they got to spend together were precious to them, and so they tried to talk about happy things; they both avoided mentioning the obvious problem looming like a dark cloud over the head until several weeks later when Alina finally decided she could not handle this alone. She had no idea what to do, so she decided to ask Yana one day what she thought about the whole situation, while they were walking around with Pjotr.

„Have you noticed Erik being rather... uhh lately..."

„Possessed by a demon?" Yana raised her eyebrows at her.

„Exactly. What do you make of it?"

She thought about it silently for a while. Yana is a precious treasure in my life, Alina thought for the thousandth time that year. Beneath the shyness and timid demeanor were a sharp mind and a brave heart. Alina had no doubt she would have a clever insight into the situation.

„He looks through me when I talk. Keeps looking around the room. Whatever I say without thinking, he finds something bad in it. Thinks I'm laughing at him. Always nervous."

„Yes, I've noticed that too. Among other things." She told her about the nightmares and the bizarre ideas.

„Hmm." Yana furrowed her brows. „He thinks they're still attacking him. Who were they?"

„I don't know. Neither does he. Says he doesn't remember their faces."

„Oh." Yana looked at her friend sadly. „Then it can be everyone. In his head it is everyone."

„That sounds horrifying", Alina admitted. „I have also noticed he's not entirely – decided is not the right word – he feels like he deserved it, I think. But not because of something he did. He just thinks he deserves these things, or that they're meant to happen to him regardless. But it makes him even angrier. He doesn't even consider that what he does has any outcome in these situations. He thinks it happens because of what he is. He thinks he's a monster, or something similar."

Yana took one more moment to think while Pjotr showed her a peculiar bug he'd found. She talked to him in Russian, and Alina could barely understand so much to gather what they talked about most times.

Yana herself had noticed the same change in their friend, and she could understand it rather well. She, however, had somewhat more limited resources when it came to patience compared to Alina; she had her work and was a small child and was altogether the kind of person who avoided extreme situations and emotions, thank you very much. Her recent talks with Erik often ended with her rolling her eyes and going home, silently fuming to herself. She still came back every day, but Erik was so frustrating and Yana, having grown up with the notion that dramatics was a luxury people like her could never afford, hadn't stopped to think about what made him that way. Yana's good behavior was taught to her by her strict but loving upbringing and the expectations of people around her – it followed that this man had to live completely isolated from people and any expectations to be acting like this, and Yana realized she could not imagine someone living like that at all, let alone living happily.

She turned to Alina again.

„And you tried to help him so much. But every day he's less happy about it. Even angry. Yes?"

Alina swallowed something hard in her throat. „Yes. I thought it was just pride. But it's not that simple."

Yana shook her head. „Pride, but not just pride. If you say he thinks he deserves beating then he doesn't deserve... care? I think. But he wants it. But thinks it's a... trick." That... that's such a simple explanation, Alina thought. But genius. She figured it out.

„That's downright tragic", she said.

„Yes. Maybe that's why he's so angry. Doesn't know what is true. Good or bad", Yana replied.

„What should I do? What can I even do?"

„I don't know."

Alina thought she might cry, just a bit, after all.

„You think he's good? Not a monster?" Yana asked.

„Definitely."

„I think so too. But you're scared. He's strange. And looks dangerous when angry."

„Yes. But he's never actually harmed me. He's just rude. Undeservedly."

Yana sighed. „I don't know. It's hard. We'll wait and be nice. We can talk to him when it's over."

Yana was right, Alina realized. Whatever they may want to discuss with him would have to wait until he stopped acting like the sky would fall on his head at any moment. Their best bet was to act normal and try to be patient. Keep being nice and reassuring. He couldn't be like this forever. I hope.

„Thank you, Yana."

„It's nothing."

Alina had to think about this, but she couldn't think about it at home. She needed to walk around and get some distance between herself and this bizarre situation, but first, she needed to go home, so she wouldn't just disappear for an entire day. She quickened her pace.

Auntie Giry, I wish you could help me now.

It didn't take her long to reach their little house, and when she opened the door she saw Erik standing by the window, looking outside in deep thought.

„Hello, Erik. I was outside with Yana. How are you?"

He gave her a small shrug with his one good shoulder, still looking at the window.

This man's penchant for drama will never cease to amaze me.

Is that so bad? She thought suddenly. There's something very honest and powerful about it. I don't go around expressing myself as he does. Most of the time I'm concerned with how people will interpret everything I do.

Maybe it would be better if I acted more spontaneously. Some folks are like that. Maybe he'd be more inclined to believe my intentions if I seemed less calculated since he can always find some fault in the words themselves.

It was counterintuitive, but certainly worth trying, even though it didn't come easy to her lately. But she would prefer to get some time alone first.

„Erik, I had a lot to do these past weeks... If you don't need anything I'd like to grab a book and read alone on the beach for a short while. Is that alright?"

He shrugged again, still looking out the window. It bothered her; it was completely different from before, and he was now unreadable. It was incredibly unnerving.

Alina grabbed her book and got ready to go. Erik was still silent.

„Alright, then. I'll see you later, I'll come back before sundown," she turned towards the door.

„Wait." If it was any quieter, she would not have heard it at all.

Surprised, she turned around, still holding the door knob. „Yes?"

He was turned towards her now, and she realized he was not nervous, angry, or agitated. He looked sad.

„I... I don't know. Enjoy your afternoon."

Is that it? She nodded. „Thanks, you too." This is very awkward. What is going on with us?

She wanted to just leave and go think to herself, but something told her that what she said at that moment before she had the time to think about every word carefully, might be very important. She felt an incredible pull to say something.

„Erik, I..."

„Alina, I..." he started at the same time, and then stopped, looking uncomfortable.

Oh. „Ahem. You first?" I'm still a coward, yes.

But so was he. He shook his head. „Not a chance. You this time."

„Alright. I just wanted to say I've noticed you're not feeling well, and I don't fully understand it, but I want to understand. And I'm here if you need me. I am. I'm not going anywhere."

„I was just going to", he stated, „I just wanted to say I know I've been... I'm sorry, that you had to put up with me. I don't know why you did. But I have something for you." He took a tiny, simple box out and handed it to her. It was the size of her finger, with a little handle on the side and etched flowers on the top. Alina took it in her hands with extreme care. It's a music box. He's made dozens of them by now, but this one looks different.

„You can play it later when you're reading", he said. He'd prefer it if she didn't play it now.

„Uh – what...? It looks so sweet! It's adorable!" Alina couldn't help but smile at the tiny thing like some impressionable little girl. It is something special. „I love it! Thank you!"

„It's nothing. I just thought you might like it. I'll see you later." He got up and left to his room. Little steps, little victories. Alina thought. He'll come back to us soon.

Alina left for the beach and sat down, not even attempting to read. The music box played a melody so sweet and romantic when wound up that she couldn't help but play it over and over again. It had to be something he composed. She'd never heard it before, but something in it rang like Erik. Not the brooding, strange Erik she'd seen lately. The other Erik played with Piotr and walked along the island looking for hidden beaches with her. Erik stole Yana's cookies one time because she told him there was no way he'd be able to find them and Erik sometimes spent hours on end playing hauntingly beautiful compositions on his violin. Erik noticed much more than he let on and came forward with surprisingly caring moments when one least expected him to.

That Erik still existed, she would just have to wait for him a little longer.

She couldn't fully imagine how he was feeling. It was probably true what Yana said; from what she knows about him – what he'd told her - it seemed he'd never had any friends or family save for auntie Giry. He may have escaped France, but horrible people were everywhere and this was the kind of thing that happened to him a lot. It was entirely possible, then, that he was waiting for them too to turn on him any day now. If Alina were in his place, she'd be suspicious if some people suddenly started acting completely different from what she'd known all her life. Thinking of her as their friend when all she'd been in was some caged freak and whatever else he's been in his life. How does a child know what he is? His parents tell him. This is your name. This is your age. You are a boy. You are our son. What have people told this man to make him believe these insane things?

Well, even if he doesn't think himself human, I do. I'll think it so obviously and so loudly he'll have no choice but to believe me eventually. I'll be so overt in my belief in his goodness that he will feel inclined not to disappoint me; I'll be so adamant that all of God's angels will hear me if need be and redeem this strange, deformed, wonderful man. I hope that will work. I have nothing else to try.

Alina felt ready to go back, just in time. The sun was starting to set.