Alternatives

Chapter 4:Friends Part One

Alina,

I hope you know that, if mama gets gray hair and stomach ulcers, I'm holding you and your antics responsible. I must admit this one surprised even me, and I'm also holding you responsible for the chaos that ensued the week after your letter arrived.

That aside, I hope you're doing well in New York. I'm dying to know who this "trusted friend" is because I can smell your lies across the Atlantic. Just so you know if you get married in America and don't invite me, I will tell mama it was you who broke her window in 1881. And then you won't be allowed to come home even if you want to.

I hope you will find happiness and whatever else it is you're looking for in America. Remember to write often - I want to hear about what's happening!

Love,

Amelija.

P. S. I know about the hairpins. Don't play dumb.

"Well, at least someone is still talking to me", she said. "Amelija has always been more reasonable than the rest of us combined."

"What is it with those hairpins?" Erik asked.

"They're hers", Alina said, shrugging, as if it was self-explanatory.

"I gathered that much. They're just hairpins, though?"

"You don't have any siblings."

ooo

Erik quickly realized that if he wanted to sell the toys to other people to manufacture them, he would need to make proper plans and documents to explain how they are made. To make those, he would need to buy paper, ink, paraphernalia, and some authoritative-looking clothing for Alina so that she could go and have them look at it and be taken seriously, and even then they may not take her seriously.

If they wanted to sell the toys themselves they would need to find a place to make a proper store, so she wouldn't sell them on the street, he'd need better materials to make them with, and he'd need to pay all sorts of things to all sorts of people, and they'd need to make a profit fast enough not to bankrupt and lose what little they had.

It's frustrating how you need money to make money, Erik sighed. I sometimes miss living in a basement.

He could, of course, steal enough materials to not have to risk it. It's not something that would bother him very much; but he had a faint idea it would bother Alina very much, and since she already promised to do her part in all of it, he found himself unable to do something that might jeopardize their integrity, and by proximity, her future.

They decided to sell the toys themselves at first, so they put the last of their savings into getting proper materials and tools. Alina had a small sum saved for "even greater emergencies"; she gave it away with the rest, but it was still barely enough.

"If anything happens to us in the next month or two", she said adding it to the pile, "We are doomed."

"Do you want your money back? You don't have to do this, you know. You could maybe become a governess with your recommendations."

"No, that's not how we're going about this. If we're partners, we're partners in risk as well as profit. Even if it means I won't sleep soundly for a month or two." She frowned. "If we have to bankrupt, we'll bankrupt together, damn it. It's only fair."

"As you wish." That is strangely comforting.

"But we won't die, I think. We've been feeding and clothing ourselves with you doing odd jobs and my babysitting so far, so I'd say we can keep doing it, in case we fail at first."

"You can always sell your sister's hairpins." This whole running gag was becoming entertaining, even to him.

"And have her cursed all my descendants for centuries to come? You sell Amelija's hairpins if you dare."

In the end, they built a small stand (to be fair, Erik was the one that built it; Alina tried very hard to be of help, but in all honesty, she couldn't do anything right, and he had to ask her very patiently to please let him work alone, so he wouldn't have to bother taking her to a hospital when she hurt herself) on one of the populated streets. It surprised Erik that Coney Island, under the new mayor, was slowly becoming less, hah, crime-oriented and now tried to be more family-oriented. They could certainly make use of that. Erik asked Alina to go and check if they could be imprisoned for simply building a stand and putting it somewhere to sell things without asking for permission, and it turned out that, thankfully, they wouldn't. Everyone was doing it.

They both worked weekdays; Erik would still do solitary physical tasks and people grew accustomed to his presence enough not to outright gawk at him, but they still kept their distance. He was thankful for it – the odd looks were putting a significant strain on his patience and nerves. Alina was still teaching children English and babysitting younger ones, all for small money or other goods if the family didn't have much to offer. Neither of them got any quiet moments for several weeks as it took all of their weekends to build enough little mechanisms for the trinkets. Alina helped Erik as much as she could, bringing him food when he forgot to eat (which, as she kept reminding him, was all the time) and would take over when he'd lose his patience and his head started to hurt. They had less time to talk these days; and when they did, it was usually about work. Once they made enough little mechanisms, she started selling them over the weekends. It made a profit surprisingly quickly; the tourists seemed to like the trinkets and Alina made a lot of effort to attract people to come and look at them. Slowly, over the next weeks and months, they pulled themselves from the brink of bankruptcy and started making enough to support themselves; they'd even put a little on the side each week. They did not intend to live as refugees any longer than they needed to.

Erik made one extra little music box and set it aside. He had no intention of actually giving it to her, but he couldn't bring himself to just let it go for now.

Yana would often come over to help or just to have some company. She found work in a small cake and ice-cream shop as a dishwasher and when she wasn't home, Alina would take Pjotr outside with her and the other children. Yana told them she only started working there because she was hoping for another position – she was very good at cooking and baking and hoped to find work as a baker. The problem was that she still spoke little English, so Alina put in some extra effort to help her with it. They spent a lot of time together, and Yana's English started to get better.

"Your spoken English is improving fast", Alina told her one day as they sat down to have a chat. Erik was just leaving to take a walk, bundling up in his scarf, hat, and other necessary layers.

"Yes. People talk at me all the time, so I just listen", she shrugged. "And it stays."

"Can you read and write?" Alina asked carefully. "Maybe it would be useful."

"Yes. But it doesn't help me here. It's all different." She puffed in annoyance.

"Really? Erik asked through his scarf. "How did you learn? Is this something villagers in Russia normally do?"

"No. But my mother knows. She had a book with – cooking recipes, and I learned from there. Mikita also had a lot of books."

"Ah." He paused. "What do you mean it's all different? How do you write in Russia?"

"Exactly as you speak", Yana replied indifferently.

"Huh?" he blinked. "I don't understand. Can you show me?" he looked around for a piece of paper and a pencil. "I don't know how to spell your name. Can you write it for me?"

"Of course", she said, taking the pencil and paper. She scribbled on it for a few seconds before showing it to them. On the paper, in simple handwriting, stood:

Яна Петровна Чаркашина

„See? Exactly as you speak", Yana said.

Erik stared at the paper in confusion.

Alina nodded. „That's about right", she looked at him and started to laugh. „I don't know what to tell you. She wrote it exactly as she says it."

ooo

For a while they all got so caught up in all the work that Alina forgot to write letters to Antoinette, and so did Erik, since he didn't write them as often, and it never became a habit. It didn't even occur to him how stretched thin they were until it started to show in obvious ways. Erik would get increasingly tired and at the same time unable to sleep; a lot of things that he hadn't noticed before now started to irritate him. Alina had dark circles around her eyes and had trouble focusing. But she didn't complain at all until she'd had too much.

The next letter that arrived was from Antoinette, and the tone was much different from the previous ones. She wanted to know why they hadn't been writing for several weeks. It was clear from her letter that she was worried something had happened to them. Alina read it out loud and when she was finished she hid her face in her hands and stayed like that for a while.

"What is it?" Erik wasn't sure what to do about that sudden display of emotion, and it made him uncomfortable.

She shook her head. "It doesn't matter."

"You are upset."

She uncovered her face to look in front of her. Her eyes were very, very tired, and surprisingly… red.

"Whatever I do, however hard I try, I forget something important. There is no way I can do everything I need to for us to succeed. There is no way someone won't be disappointed, no matter how hard I try. It's becoming too much. I can't do anything right anymore, I'm simply too tired all the time. But I have to", Alina sighed. This was weighing down on her. She had become something of an expert for different kinds of tiredness in her life, and this was the kind of tiredness one felt after walking on a very high tightrope for too long.

The rant caught him by surprise. He was also surprised by how much of that he could relate to.

"It's not really about the letter, is it?" he asked.

"Not just the letter. But I promised to write, and I forgot to write for so long that she's now half convinced that we're dead. By the time my next letter reaches her, she could lose her mind worrying about us." She sighed. "I forget a lot of things these days. Yesterday I almost forgot which child I had to take care of. I was halfway to the wrong house when I realized. And they don't like governesses being late, I can tell you that."

Huh. "I don't know what to tell you. I work just as much. I can't make it easier for you." But you can, if you leave this hellhole and find your luck. Why are you ignoring that option?

Alina felt even more miserable now. "I know, I know! I'll try to get a hold of myself."

Erik realized he was not exactly comforting her, despite his best efforts. He was not accustomed to this; he was fine with working on something until his body gave out and didn't pay any mind to anybody's expectations but his own; but as Antoinette told him long ago, most people were not the same. What glorious life you have to offer. Are you going to press this woman too until she breaks? Or until she starts to resent you? It's inevitable, you -

"I agree. We can't do this for long", he said. "When we have enough money, we'll look for better prospects. I'll make more of these", he gestured at the toys, "and we'll just sell the plans and patents as soon as we can to other establishments and ask for a share in profits. You won't have to do anything once the deal is made. It'll be better."

She nodded. "I know. It'll be alright. Thank you." She didn't look better.

"Besides," he tried again, really frustrated by the success of his attempts at consolation, "we have enough money that we won't be ruined if you miss one day. I'll send word to your people that you're sick today. The children will survive. Stay home and sleep, I'll take over with this", he waved his hand at his papers.

That certainly surprised her, Erik thought. Is it so uncharacteristic for me to show some understanding? Yes, it probably is.

"That's… very kind of you", she replied. "But what about you? You look just as tired as I am."

"I'm fine. I don't ever look very healthy in general, as you may have noticed", he shrugged.

She stared at him guiltily for a second before starting to laugh. "I'm sorry, it's just… I never expect these, you're so serious one moment and then just… it's a complete turn, and your voice doesn't even change, it's so deadpan, I'm sorry…" she kept laughing, and Erik felt himself relaxing. He realized he hadn't heard that sound in a while.

"Actually," she said once she'd calmed down, do me a favor, let's just rest today. The world will hang on until tomorrow. Let's drink a gallon of tea, take a walk on that strangely deserted beach and then fall asleep for fourteen hours."

"I don't-"

"Oh, please! It'll be more fun with you." She smiled.

"As you wish." That is probably untrue, but very hard to resist. She nodded and went to get her coat.

Alina waited for Erik to put on his various layers – unfortunately, it's soon going to be too hot for these. I'm not looking forward to it – and they strolled out Erik leading through the less-populated streets until they got to the shore, and the rocky deserted beaches. He felt more comfortable walking around there; people rarely had any business there as they preferred the more welcoming, sandy ones.

There was something he needed to ask her; he had been waiting for the right moment for a while now and the moment might be this one. Alina and Erik had been cohabiting relatively peacefully for several months, and he'd gotten used to it. It seemed to him she was used to it as well. He'd say they were friends by now, but seeing as he had no experience with this sort of thing he could hardly tell if there was some other reason for her to act like this. He had been preparing the conversation in his head for several days, and now he had a chance to finally ask her.

"Why did Antoinette send you with me?"

"I was half-decided to move on my own by then. She came with the right idea at the right time, I suppose."

Fair enough. But it was not actually what he wanted to know.

"What I meant was that debt she mentioned. I've known her for close to twelve years. She doesn't keep tabs on debts to use against people. What is it?"

"Against me? She didn't use it against me. That was not the nature of what I promised in the first place." She looked to the side thoughtfully. "Alright, it's not a secret. It's pretty boring. Here's what happened.

As I said, when I was a child my parents argued a lot with everybody because they're difficult people – less so now than they were then. We used to travel a lot, and sometimes I'd get sick of them, so I'd wander off. It was a stupid thing to do, but I was sometimes insufferably willful when I was a kid.

Once I wandered off in the middle of Paris when I was eight years old. I couldn't speak French at all, only a bit of German and a tiny bit of English and I got lost. Auntie Giry found me crying in the street and tracked down my parents even though she didn't speak that much English at the time either. I got scared and didn't want to go back, because I knew they'd be furious, and I'd be in very deep trouble, and the punishment would be severe. She understood me, so she lied to them saying – I don't even remember, she made up some brilliantly believable story about how it wasn't my fault because someone wanted to kidnap me and something – and they believed her, it was amazing, and I got away with it. I told her – in horrible German – that I owe her forever for getting me out of it. It started like that as some silly oath kids make."

"You're not the first person I heard such a story from. Does Antoinette routinely pick up lost children and casually raise them as her own on the side?"

"Please", she smirked. "I'd be surprised if there weren't at least fifty of us all across the world. But there's more. So, I gave her my address and she gave me hers and I started writing to her. I learned enough English to at least have some way to talk to her, and we sent each other letters for years. She encouraged me to pursue my wishes and go to London, find a job, and so on, but whenever I wanted to do something rash and impulsive she'd forbid me, saying that I owe her, and now I can't throw everything away doing stupid things when I could be patient and in time get my way. She also told me that I have to pass good deeds on to other people, that I can't repay her but to remember it, so I can get others out of trouble one day as she got me. That was one of the reasons I started working with orphans."

"And I am one of those orphans?" he asked, amused. That sounded like Antoinette.

"No, I think the point of this was to protect both of us. Traveling alone is not very safe for a young woman with limited options to defend herself. You would get accepted more easily because you're with me, but I would be safer with you in case somebody threatens me. So we'd balance each other out. That was her idea."

"Someone being safer with me is a very stupid notion."

"It works, though, doesn't it?" she looked at him with an expression he couldn't figure out. What is going on? "I mean, we're as safe as we can be in this situation, and we're going to work together on getting a decent living here. It's not so bad." She made another, longer pause, and when she spoke again it was suddenly very quiet:

"Besides, I'm glad this happened, because you're my friend now."

I am? It was stupid to pretend this was not exactly what he was hoping for, but hearing it out loud still filled him with surprise and excitement. Erik suddenly realized he was smiling to himself like a fool and turned toward her.

She was looking at him still somewhat unsure as if expecting something. Oh. He cleared his throat realizing she was expecting him to say something in return. The sudden realization that she was bothered by whether he thought they were friends made him smile even wider as he replied.

"Huh? Oh. Yes, of course, we're friends. I think so, too."

ooo

Yana came one day while Alina was working to inform Erik that Easter, by the Orthodox calendar, was in a week. He was sketching out something new, so he absentmindedly offered her tea while she sat down at the table, then returned to his work. She kept looking at him in silence. Am I supposed to do something in particular now?

"Uh… alright. That probably means more tourists." I am not ready.

"No, that means you come over for dinner."

"I'll tell her."

"I mean, you two come over for dinner." he could see in his peripheral vision she was eyeing him with annoyance now. He wasn't even aware her face could do that.

"No, but thank you." One of the reasons Erik had gotten along so well with Yana thus far was that she understood his need to not socialize any more than necessary. He had a blast spending time with her, not talking much and usually leaving after a short while.

This time, though, she had other plans.

"I mean it. You have to come. There will be cake."

"Why do people feel the need to feed me all the time? Does it look like I'm dying?"

"Yes."

He finally looked up from his blueprints, too shocked by the matter-of-fact certainty and lack of shame in her voice to respond right away.

"You need to eat more. Too thin", she concluded with authority.

"How does that concern you? I haven't died yet, and I've been alive much longer than you."

"You're my friend. Alina is my friend. You spend holidays with family and friends."

"I spend holidays playing disgustingly melancholic music and drinking until I lose consciousness, and that's how I prefer it. I don't care how skeletal you find me. You can celebrate whatever religious nonsense amongst yourselves."

She was looking at him in a way Antoinette would sometimes look at him, and he could already tell the next thing she said was going to be, so motherly he might need to punch a wall-

"God was cruel to you, but he didn't forget you."

Ah, yes, there it is. He sighed very, very deeply and brought his fingers up to rub his temples, already feeling the birth of a headache.

"And you're here to grant me his forgiveness? I assure you, I don't need it. I'm doing rather well on my own. Or I was before we started this discussion."

"Listen", she started, suddenly straightening up in her seat, with a glint in her eyes he hadn't seen before. "I know well what you do, and I do it too. You say: I don't need anybody. I can do everything alone. I'll stay here where it's safe. And you won't go and be happy, because if it's gone, you'd be too sad. So you do nothing. And you think, I did this good. Nothing can hurt me. But I did that too, and it still hurt me, and I had to come to this insane land to forget. Just like you. So don't do the same again. Do better this time. Understand?"

"Celebrating Easter is going to save me?" We were getting along so well before you became so annoyingly… like this, you traitor.

"God has nothing to do with it if you want. You come to see us, and be happy with us." She nodded at him thoughtfully. "Alina wants you to come too, but she doesn't want to say."

"Why? She sees me every day."

"Afraid you'll say no. If you tell her I said this, I'll have your head. Trust me."

Erik had half a mind to tell Alina just to see what this tiny quiet woman planned to do in that case. Something told him it would be worth seeing.

"I might come by. I like cake."

She gave him a very sharp smile. "I knew you can be smart when you need to."

ooo

Unsurprising to people around her, Alina had always been very invested in holidays and celebrations. It could've been the fact that, when one works with children, such occasions were interesting excuses to break from everyday routine and teach them something new, try out different activities, and change the dynamic from time to time. However, it was more likely that she simply liked cake and decorations, and was one of those children herself.

So it followed that she was delighted to accept Yana's offer to spend Easter Sunday with her and her son; while they didn't go to the same churches and shared very few Easter traditions (starting with the date of Easter) – well, Alina didn't care. The sentiment was the same. And she would enjoy spending a Sunday with her friend. Not to mention she blatantly missed properly celebrating real – uh, Catholic – Easter for the first time this year due to the overwhelming amount of work and the absence of her mother who took holidays with many more Christian feelings of duty and dedication than Alina could personally muster.

But that was beside the point. The point was, it was Easter, they'd be together, there would be cake and Alina will get to dress nicely for a change. If there is a God, I'd like to think he'll approve of that.

"I'm going to Yana's this afternoon", she informed Erik that morning. He gave her something resembling a frown beneath the mask.

"Yes, I know. I was under the impression we were both going."