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Chapter 2:Goodbyes Part Two

Except whenever he looked at Antoinette, he felt a familiar tug of sadness. He needed to tell her some things. She deserved to hear them. He tried writing them down, but it all sounded ridiculous to him; he would have to improvise.

They got up well before dawn so that they could get on the ship while it was still dark. They were not the only ones; aside from being a cargo ship, this one also took passengers with low enough standards who wished to get to New York cheaply. A dozen or so people, aside from the sailor crew, seemed to be traveling with them.

„Oh, I almost forgot. I've told them your brother and sister", Antoinette said. „It'll make them less suspicious. You also get a little space under the deck to sleep. Not very proper, and not very luxurious, but you'll get some privacy. The entire ship is quite improper and cramped. This is the best I can do."

„That is more than I was hoping for", Alina said. „The ship is rather small, but it looks safe."

Antoinette stayed for a moment to tell her goodbyes; Alina pulled a letter out of her pocket.

„Can you please send this to me? It's for my mother. I'd rather she got it after I've already sailed."

„Of course."

„And, teta Giry, thank you for everything." She walked up to her and embraced her. „I will miss you terribly. I'll write you a letter every week, so many letters you'll grow sick of them."

„Be sure to write at least once. I'd like to know you're safe."

She nodded, looking at Erik and then at Antoinette again.

„I'll, uh, go on to leave my things and find that room. I'll wait for you there", she said and hurried to climb onto the ship.

They were alone now.

Erik's mind was blank as he turned to her and opened his mouth. Antoinette looked at him with a smile.

„It's alright, my boy."

„No, I want to tell you-" he started to panic quietly.

„It is alright. I know."

„NO! I want to say this!" three people turned to look at them, and he remembered to lower his voice. „I want to say it before we leave because I won't be returning", he took a deep breath. „Antoinette, you deserve to be made into a saint. I owe you everything. You have been- " Why is it suddenly harder to speak? „ – you have been like a mother to me. It's because of you that I'm alive, and it's because of you that I have come to somewhat resemble a human being. I'll never forget it. I'll never be able to repay you for this, and I'll spend my life trying to earn it."

She embraced him for a moment. „I love you too, my dear." Erik could do nothing but stare at the floor.

„You need to go now", she said, letting go. Erik nodded, turning towards the ship.

„And, Erik?"

„Yes?"

„Take care of Alina for me, will you? She's not as tough as she likes to think."

He nodded once again. „Alright."

Alina was already standing on the deck, pretending to look in an opposite direction.

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Alina somehow adapted to life on the ship, but Erik couldn't sleep for the entire first week. He would sometimes drift off, but couldn't get a full night – everything around him had him on edge. This wouldn't have been a huge problem, but he couldn't walk either, because the ship swayed so much it made him sick. He stayed in the tiny cabin, reading and drawing by candlelight and sometimes humming strange tunes Alina had never heard before. She would bring him food, as he seemed absolutely against the prospect of going to eat meals with everyone else; but he was still mostly sick and rarely accepted it. He seemed to her downright miserable. I feel like I'm intruding just by being on the same vessel, Alina thought. She was not entirely sure how to start conversations with Erik, because he looked like he would much rather be left alone, but something in her made it very hard to leave someone alone who looked so miserable. She talked very little at first and would drop the subject if he kept quiet. Erik made no real effort to strike a conversation with her, distracted and withdrawn, but it seemed that now and then something she said would spark interest in him, and he'd say a few sentences before drifting away again.

„Do you like Poe?" Alina asked one day, sitting on the floor a few feet away from him, taking out an orange she brought with her from the land and some half-dry bread and cheese. He was nearly finished with Poe, and she couldn't wait for him to finish each new book, so they would have something to talk about – seeing as he was so adamant not to discuss anything from his own life, and never asked her anything about hers.

„I do."

„What's your favorite story so far?" she asked, peeling the orange.

„The one where the rich nobles all died of the plague1", he said truthfully.

Alina looked at him silently for a moment before letting out a surprised laugh. „That's... that's one way to put it, yes. Hah. My English teacher would have loved you." She snickered a bit more, and Erik felt himself relax slightly.

„Maybe you'll read Pride and prejudice next?" she asked when he didn't elaborate further. She was dying to hear what he'd have to say about that one.

„No." He wouldn't - he read it years ago in French, but she didn't need to know that.

„You should. It's quite good." Alina split the orange and offered him half, „These grow in my homeland. They're very sweet."

He shook his head at her, refusing. Someone else might have felt inclined to ask where that homeland was, he realized a little too late.

„I strongly suggest you eat something", Alina smiled, eating the other half. „I wouldn't want you to die of starvation before we arrive. Or, you know, scurvy. Hence, the oranges."

„I don't actually like eating", he managed through his teeth, looking at his book in an attempt not to seem too annoyed. „Especially not in front of others."

She blinked. „Well, what a coincidence", she said, wiping her hands and getting up. „I was just heading for a short walk, so you can have all the privacy you'd like. I'll be back soon."

She passed him, leaving quickly through the door. The room seemed somehow colder suddenly.

Erik stared stubbornly at one half of an orange and the sandwiches she left suspiciously close to him, before sighing and taking some.

She wasn't lying, he thought. They are very sweet.

The sea was not being very kind to them. Alina had been on her fair share of ships by now, so it bothered her less. On the worst days, she would just stay in bed and not even try to do anything. On the better days, like this one, she tried to get out and read or stare at the sea – to at least get some fresh air and stretch her legs. She sat on her favorite spot on the deck and looked at the waves. The sea seemed to her very scary and captivating. It made her feel very small and very alone.

A few days later, and after a few failed attempts to talk him into reading Pride and Prejudice, Alina decided to give Erik her precious, treasured copy of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. It was smart and funny, deep, and all around the most beautiful book Alina possessed. She'd had it for several years now, and it was worn with repeated reading. She could tell that he loved it. He read it twice from cover to cover before returning it.

„Did you like it?"

„I did. There's something special about it." He thought about it some more. „It's... I don't know, one just feels glad to be alive, reading it."

„I agree." She gave him the widest, most genuine smile he'd ever seen on her. He wondered for a second if he could maybe make her do that again.

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„What's the strangest feeling you've ever felt?" Alina asked one very stormy day. The ship was swaying too much for them to climb on the bunk beds, so they lay on the floor hoping for a swift death.

He didn't answer.

„Are you so ill you can't talk or do you just refuse to answer the question?"

„No, I can talk."

„Fair enough. But I'll answer it myself because I'm bored and scared of this storm and I like the sound of my voice."

„Certainly."

She took her time to think about it. She had no idea what the strangest feeling she'd ever felt was. All of her feelings were befuddling to her. But she wanted to offer something to make the situation seem more like a trip and less like a dungeon.

„I, uh, alright. So some time ago, I realized I was soon to be one-quarter of a century old. And I always had this idea of how, how my life would look when I turned 25. It's a nice, round year, like a milestone. And I realized that my life looked nothing like what I had imagined. And that my parents, my friends, almost everyone thinks I'm incredibly strange. Even though they all have conflicting views on what „strange" and „normal" means, they probably all agree I'm strange. So I got drunk off of rum."

He turned his head to her. „That's it?"

„No, no. When I got drunk, I realized I wasn't sad about being a disappointment anymore. I mean, I felt this sadness because I had given up on pleasing them, but only because I thought I should feel it, like an anchor in life. I was happy that I'm living a very strange life because it's my own and I feel freer than before. All of my mistakes are my own, and I'm not constrained by expectations like I've been most of my life. And I don't even believe in their conceptions of strange and normal anymore, nor do I care. I'll die alone with seventeen cats and having raised a hundred thousand orphans. I don't care. Everyone should live their lives as they please, as long as they're not harming anybody.

That's it. It's a strangely comforting feeling."

She couldn't tell what he was thinking through the damned mask.

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Erik started sleeping around that time. It was not a great improvement. He would wake up often, looking shaken and disoriented, and then couldn't go back to sleep. Sometimes he would gasp for air or kick in his sleep. Alina remembered she saw this once before, back when she worked in the hospital, with some man who lost his legs in a war. She decided to say nothing to him and pretend it didn't wake her up. He deserved his privacy.

Up until one time when it did wake her up quite obviously. He jolted awake with a full-blown scream; breathing heavily, he stared into the ceiling completely bewildered with his hands over his always-masked face. The sound startled Alina, and she sat up, groggy and confused.

She turned to the bottom bunk bed where he slept and said,

„Hey, are you alright? It was just a dream."

It took him a second to focus on her through the gaps between his fingers. He looked terrified. Alina realized she'd never seen him scared before; she realized she couldn't even imagine it until now. What the hell could he be dreaming that scares him so much?

„Hey", she said, reaching down to lightly tap his shoulder with her fingers. „Wake up."

He finally snapped out of it, wincing and slapping her hand off of him.

„Let me go!"

„Alright."

„And stop staring at me!"

„I'm not - "

„Damn it, woman! You think I can't tell by now when someone's staring at me?"

Fair enough, she realized, I should have left him alone. But she was getting angry now, and was not awake enough yet to put a filter on her mouth.

„What is your problem? I'm just asking if you're alright!"

„I don't need your precious sympathy nor your pompous self-righteousness! Leave me the hell alone!"

That, Alina felt, was uncalled-for. She slid off the bed and got her coat, deciding it was time to get out of there.

„You think I can't tell by now when someone's yelling at me for no good reason? I'll leave you alone if you want, but there's no need to treat me like garbage when I try to help! Bigger and scarier men than you have screamed worse things at me, and I've just about had enough! Have a nice night with the whole room to yourself!"

She slammed the door behind her, starting to cry as soon as she got outside, fully aware of why she was upset and why it only partially had to do with him. I did not handle this well.

They avoided each other for the next couple of days.

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The youngest of the sailors, called Desmond, spoke with a thick Liverpool accent, and Alina would eat her hat if he was a day over seventeen. She stayed away from the other ones because she didn't trust them or the looks they gave her when she was alone. But Desmond didn't ogle he liked to whistle to himself while he worked and one day he whistled next to Alina as she sat on a bench and ate the last of the dry cookies left over from her birthday. She asked him if he wanted some. She was bored and craved company, but whenever she wanted to talk to Erik she would remember his angry eyes and bitter words, so she decided against it.

„Yeah, I want cookies. Who doesn't?"

A sweet young fellow, all blonde hair and freckles and laughter.

„So sit. There's plenty for both."

They talked about life for some time. Desmond had a girl, or rather, used to have one. It seemed like she hadn't spoken to him in a while. Alina thought he looked sad about it in a very pure, innocent way, although he laughed it off.

„I'm in a bit of a pickle myself."

„Trouble with your brother?"

„My... oh. Yeah. We argued."

„What happened?"

„He's been jumpy since he came home from war", she lied without missing a beat.

„Seems like that kinda fellow."

„Yeah. I'm jumpy myself, though. He yelled at me and I didn't take it well."

„That's a bad combination."

„I know."

He thought about it for a bit.

„My pop's the same. Been jumpy for years since he came home from one too many sea storms."

„I'm sorry."

„No, I mean, my point is, mum almost left him, drove her crazy, yeah? She says something, he starts to yell, she starts to yell, everything goes to s**t. They both hate each other later. Pop hates himself, too."

„You think that'll happen to us too?" Alina asked, growing upset.

„No, no, listen. One day pop says, Mary, listen, I admit I'm a bit of an a*s, alright? But sometimes I lose myself. And these fights aren't normal. You know I never lost myself before.

And she says, well what do you want me to do? And he says, just don't scream because it messes with me alright? And she says, but you scream first, and he says yea but if you don't scream back and startle me, Mary, I promise I'll gather myself and stop. And so they try that."

„Does it work?"

„Yeah, it works. Because they love each other something terrible and they both try and be patient. And they don't let each other hate themselves. Wouldn't work if they weren't both like that."

Alina bit her lip, feeling guilty again. „But what if your dad didn't back down? Just kept yelling after she gave in?"

„Well, then it wouldn't be the same thing, yeah? Then he'd be an asshole. Some people are like that; the better you treat them, the worse they get. But not my pop. If he was like that, I'd tell her to leave him myself."

Truth be told, she couldn't leave for a few more weeks.

„Your brother doesn't seem like the asshole kind. But I don't know."

„So you think I should go talk to him?" she raised her eyebrows.

„Not a chance. I think you should stay here first and help me with my girl troubles."

I adore this kid, Alina decided.

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Erik noticed Alina avoiding him for the next couple of days. It made him angry at first; he couldn't believe she'd humiliate him like that and then just draw him into herself – no, he actually could because everything about this situation felt familiar somehow.

After the initial wave of anger passed, he tried to think about it. He had to do something about this. He couldn't keep going in the same circles all his life. He tried to think about it objectively.

I can't think about it objectively. If I try, I just hate myself.

This woman doesn't know me. She has no idea who she's dealing with.

Maybe she was just trying to help.

Maybe. But does she have to be so nosy and reckless?

And I am so controlled and dependable?

I don't go around poking in her own business!

Because I don't give a damn what happens to anybody but myself.

But she apparently does. When was the last time I gave a damn about anybody but myself? How did that feel? Exposed? Vulnerable? Like tapping in the dark, not knowing what I'm doing?

That was different. She doesn't care personally. She just has a deal with Antoinette.

Then why is she acting like this? She just has to make sure I get there alive. Everything else she does is because...

Because of what? What would I think if this were about someone else?

That she's trying to be my friend?

Ridiculous.

...is it?

Besides, she insulted me too.

I insulted her first. She was hurt. She's not that good of an actress.

That's not yet certain.

He remembered Antoinette's parting words. Cursing under his breath, he went looking for her.

He found her talking to the young sailor boy, the one with the pretty face that couldn't whistle in tune to save his soul.

That was new. They were talking, occasionally bursting into cheerful laughter.

„No, no, no! See, when she says she doesn't care, but she's all angry like that, she cares! You don't go telling her something like that! You tell her that you DO love her instead!" Alina waved one of her hands in the air while leaning her face on the other, half-frustrated and half-amused.

„But you can't keep a lass if you're so clingy!" Desmond replied, pointing his finger at her.

„Not clingy, no! But you can't keep a lass if you're so distant and unemotional, either! You have to be on equal ground, not with one of you always one foot out the door! She'll just find someone else if she thinks you don't like her enough, at least if she respects herself in the slightest!"

„If you're so smart, why don't you write her a letter instead of me? With those fancy words?" He started to laugh.

„Do you want me to? I bet I'd write her such an amazing letter she'd marry you right away!" She leaned toward him, laughing as well. „I bet I can woo your lady, Desmond!"

„Woo, maybe, but you still don't have one thing I have that she likes-"

They were both roaring with laughter now. The scene was adorable, Erik had to admit. He felt like he was seeing something he was not supposed to see.

But then she looked up and noticed him, her face getting serious again. Desmond saved him, the clever little s**t.

„Oy, tall man, big brother, I need your advice too! How does one woo a lass? Your sister here has some outrageous ideas!"

„I agree with Desmond. You're talking nonsense."

„Yeah, it's two against one! The people have spoken!" Desmond spread out his arms.

„Lass-wooing is a science, you idiots, not a democracy!" She started laughing again.

Desmond winked at Erik, and he started to smile against his will as well. This was ridiculous.

„Well, if you'll excuse me now, ladies and gentlemen. The captain will have my head if I don't go to work right this instant", he gave them a mock salute and promptly left.

I'm starting to like this kid, Erik decided.

Alina was still giggling when he sat next to her.

„I've been meaning to talk to you", he started slowly, looking ahead of him.

„Same", she admitted.

„Ladies first?" he offered.

„Do you take me for an i***t?"

Erik knew a rhetorical question when he heard one.

„Very well. I shouted at you, but you were just trying to help", he offered slowly.

„That you did. But I was irrational too, I think. I shouldn't have said those things. I'm sorry", she said all in one quick breath. She seemed honest.

„Me too", he nodded.

„We both hate when people shout at us, don't we?" she said. „And we hate being caught off guard. Let's just agree not to do that from now on. Just, to be more careful."

„I agree."

Erik could swear he could feel Desmond winking again somewhere.

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Desmond finds it fun to pretend he is shallow and silly, but he is neither of those things, not in the slightest.

These people were not siblings, clear as day. Desmond had two brothers and two sisters and he knew how siblings were supposed to act; this was something different entirely. He didn't care at first what they were; the rest of the crew believed them and he's generally very good at minding his own business, which was how he'd survived on this ship so far as the youngest one among occasionally very nervous sailors.

The lady, Alena or whatever, was nice. Desmond liked the way she talked without that stuck-up attitude he despised about other old people. She listened to his girl problems (which bothered him much more than he'd like to admit to himself) and joked with him, and that was enough for him to call her a friend. The tall man with the mask didn't move as he'd been in a war; he moved like an escaped slave and it bothered Desmond that he couldn't tell much about him. He was one frightening fellow. Desmond winked at him a few times, though, and the man smiled at him. Good enough. He winked at Miss Alina once too, for good measure. Just to see the masked man twitch. He didn't disappoint.

He couldn't tell what they were because they kept tiptoeing around each other like strangers, but the way they spent afternoons together discussing some books or whatever else they discussed made him think they did have some past together. They would be a fun puzzle, at least, and four weeks on the sea can be hard to survive without something to occupy him.

But he had more pressing things to do, such as writing that problematic letter that Miss Alina had offered to help him with. He tried to do it on his own first, but the words wouldn't come out; even though she made it sound so simple. He swallowed his pride and sought her out again in their little cabin on the lower deck.

"Of course, I'll help you with it! I'm coming right away!" she said as she left the room. She didn't mock him this time and instead spent an entire afternoon composing the stupid letter with him until every word is carefully chosen and placed. She might be right about Vanessa marrying him immediately after she reads it. If he were her, he'd have married himself already, although that'd be impossible because neither of Desmonds in that scenario would want to propose first.

The trip was approaching its long-awaited end when Desmond heard something that made him get out of his position as a comfortable observer.

He heard other sailors say how they had to stop at Ellis Island so that the police could search the cargo and passengers. Already? He thought they had more time. Are we ahead of schedule for once?

"Your little lady friend doesn't have to worry, Desmond, they're sure to let her in", one of the other sailors told him. "But I'm not so sure about that eerie masked fellow hiding in the lower deck."

There was only one eerie masked fellow on the ship and Desmond had already started seeing him and his lady friend as his pets. He didn't want them to get separated and sent away, and he'd much prefer if she wasn't crying all alone in a foreign land the last time he saw her.

That's alright. He was much better at conspiracies and mischief than writing love letters.

He went to seek her out again, and found her outside this time, staring at the sea as she often did. People get so wonky on these trips. She was not nearly the first one that he's found doing that.

"Your brother, why does he wear that mask?" He asked quietly, sitting next to her.

She looked at him in pure horror, opened her mouth, and closed it again.

"It's alright; I know he's not your brother. But we're stopping at Ellis Island tomorrow. They'll sort you all out, but they send back people they don't like. Criminals, sick people, disabled, disfigured. That kind of thing."

Is she going to cry now, he wondered and continued.

"I like you a lot, and you have yourself helped me a great deal, so I'll try to help you. I can get you past Ellis Island on a lifeboat tonight. But I can't guarantee where we'll end up exactly, and you have to do exactly as I say, or you'll get caught and I'll be dead meat. Can you do that?"

She nodded. "We can."

"Great. I'll tell you the plan now, and we have to do it when that old man Tim gets the night watch because he always falls asleep at the same time. Tell your brother. Pack up before, but try to do it so it's not suspicious."

She went to tell the masked man, but they couldn't find him, and even though she went mad with worry, they wouldn't find him until nightfall.

And after nightfall, they found the absolute madman trying to jump over the ship fence with nothing but an old life belt to better his chances. In Atlantic. In the middle of February.

Alina panicked; she couldn't react in time. But Desmond was a sailor, he was strong and fast and afraid of next to nothing so he ran and grabbed the man around his chest from behind, unceremoniously throwing him onto the ship again.

The fellow got back up remarkably fast, Desmond noticed. There was murder in his eyes when he looked at Desmond, and Desmond thought there might be some things left in this world he was, in fact, afraid of.

"Sorry! Sorry! Didn't mean to do that! I just didn't want you to die! Even if you survive the fall, the sea is freezing!" Desmond explained, panicking.

What followed was one of the strangest conversations he had ever witnessed.

The masked man turned to Alina.

"We had a deal! You promised!" He hissed, pointing a finger at her.

"I was trying to fulfill that promise just before I found you breaking yours!" She was whispering frantically, waving her hands in obvious distress.

"The ship is going to get searched tomorrow, and do you know what they're going to find? Can you guess who's not going to pass their inspection? It's alright that you've found a way to take care of yourself, but I'll do it too, and you can't stop me! I meant what I said!" This was the most Desmond had ever heard him speak. He looked really upset.

"I was trying to" she started, but Desmond knew how to talk to people like him and so he interrupted, talking as calmly as possible, with his hands up in a very peaceful gesture.

"We've made a plan for you to escape. Both of you. Your sister doesn't have to, but she's decided to follow you anyway. We wanted to tell you all day, but you disappeared."

The fellow looked at her like he was shocked when Desmond said she was going with him willingly. Alina still looked hurt and afraid. Brother and sister. Right.

"Well, hurry already! Get your things, we have a boat to borrow before they catch us!"