Monstrous

9

            She didn’t give me an answer. A simple goodnight was all she said before hanging up. It was so hard to read Autumn sometimes. I didn’t know if I was making the right moves with her. Autumn was the only thing I had in my dreams, and when I woke up getting ready for school she conquered over my thoughts. I was so distracted that when I stepped into my living room I didn’t realize my dad standing in the kitchen. I stopped abruptly and gripped onto the straps of my backpack. He just stared me down, I was afraid to move not knowing if it would set him off so i just held his gaze.

            “You talking to Autumn Tyler?” He asked leaning against the kitchen counter. He was fully dressed with his arms crossed over his chest. A strike of anger ignited, I hated the sound of her name on his lips, it made me question how he knew her existence but then again me and Autumn’s parents did go to high school together. He already had his answer so there was no point of lying to him.

            “I mean yeah, we’re friends, we share some of the same classes” I responded faintly, luckily he heard me and nodded his head. It was silent once again. I just wanted to get to school before I was late, I had a lot of work to catch up on.

            Suddenly the toaster popped up a few inches away from where my father stood, he pulled his eyes away from me and focused his eyes on the two freshly toasted waffles. Assuming he had nothing to say I took a single step towards the front door before he stopped me.

            “Sit down, I’m making breakfast” My father said with his back turned on me. My mouth opened to decline his food invitation but quickly my lips pressed shut not wanting to see his potential reaction to my rejection.

            My father only made one plate, and it was waffles smeared in peanut butter and glazed with hazelnut syrup. It was my favorite thing to eat growing up. I was sitting at our small kitchen table eating it up when my father took a seat in front of me. I was cautious of his actions, I never knew what was in store when it came to his abuse. I began to think that he poisoned me, immediately I stopped eating and placed the fork and knife onto the plate.

            “All grown up huh?” He said with a smirk and a scoff. I didn’t know if he was upset with something or just making a comment. I didn’t know what else to do, but I breathed out a hesitant laugh and nodded my head. Wanting nothing more but to escape this awkward moment between us I quickly finished up the divine breakfast.

            “Thanks for the breakfast, but I’ve got to head to school, it’s almost a thirty minute walk, and I don’t want to be late” I stood up from my chair offering him a soft smile. I was never able to read my father’s facial expressions, he just kept a straight face all the time.

            Unexpectedly, he father shot up from his chair and cleared his throat. He turned away from me grabbing his car keys off the kitchen counter.

            “I’ll give you a ride, come on” He already began to walk to the front door. I was confused on why he was being a decent human being. Of course I was hesitant, I stared down at my sneakers wanting to avoid any kind of situation where I would be in close proximity with my father. It’s like he completely forgets about the s**t he puts me through and expects me to lay nice when guilt ate him up faster than karma did. Markus branded fear in my soul and even though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I complied. I always thought about the repercussions of my actions when I refused to do something or got reckless with my words.

            To distract myself from the unbearable silence and tension in the car ride, I sent texts to Adam. Four of them were sent and I got no response. I hope he made it back home after the party. After clicking on Autumn’s name I was determined to text her, even though all I intended was to send a simple text my fingers nervously hovered the letters not daring to type anything. 

            “Your mom and Charlie, are they getting along just fine?” My father spoke up, I turned off my phone and stared at the road ahead of us. Barely holding back from a scoff I exhaled deeply, as if he gave f**k about them, his abuse drove them away. 

            “They’re fine,” I stated flatly. The last thing I wanted to do was disclose their whereabouts. They were doing just fine, happy even, and he had no right to try to ruin that. I threw my hoodie over my head and played with the drawstring of my sweatpants. We were only a few minutes away from the high school, all I wanted was to get away from him before his mood snapped.

            “Any plans for this weekend?” He asked, my head leaned against the window letting the cool glass ease my anxiety and throbbing headache. I don’t know why he was taking a sudden interest in my life when he has stated on multiple occasions that he didn’t claim me as a son. My body reacted in the worst ways whenever I was around him, my heart was racing a thousand miles in my chest and my fingers fidgeted nervously with the drawstring.

            “No” I wanted my answers to be short as possible, I didn’t want to dive into deep conversation with him, not if he was going to spit in my face and make me feel worthless again.

            Fortunately his car came to a slow stop in front of the high school and a breath of relief escaped my lips. I reached for the door handle but my father stopped me with his words.

            “I,uh, I got you something-” With curiosity I turned in my seat and watched him reach into the backseat. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, because I did everytime and I was only met with disappointment and hatred. There was a faint smile on his face when he revealed a black leather jacket to me.

            “Cost around six hundred bucks-” He motioned the leather jacket over to me and I took it with caution. The price tag hung from the sleeve confirming the price to be six hundred and fifty dollars. My father would never buy something this expensive, a least not for me. My fingers ran along the smooth shiny leather, it must be authentic if it was this much money. The interior was cotton with a large hoodie just wanting to be worn.

            “Ever since you were a kid, you loved leather jackets. I was at the store and figured you should have a real one of your own” At last my eyes met his, maybe I was foolish but I saw a completely different man. He didn’t look at me with shame or disgust, maybe just maybe I still had a chance to have a father.

            “Thanks dad..” He nodded with a smile seeing that I was pleased with his gift. I felt my eyes swell up but before I could show a hint of a tear I turned away from him. Neither one of us was good with discussing our emotions. 

            “I have a game next Friday, if you aren’t doing anything-” I just wanted to start fresh, and have someone to call a dad. I was tired of intruding on the lives of other people, I wanted to have a family I could call my own.

            “I’ll be there, I’ve heard people talk about you all around town, how you lead the team to victory” He said with a bit of a smile on his lips. I knew that he also played football while he was in high school. I guess it was the main reason why I joined the football team. I wanted him to look forward to seeing me on the field. My father gripped onto the steering wheel and took in a deep sigh before speaking once more.

            “Have a good day at school” He breathed, there was nothing more that could be said. We exchanged smiles one last time before I stepped out of his car. I shut the door behind me and immediately he took off. I stood there on the curb frozen, I wanted to fully savor the moment I had with him hoping it would be the last and that this day was the start of something. Healing.

            The halls were silent but filled with people. I had realized everyone staring at me as I put the leather jacket on. I caught people’s stares and saw them whisper to people that were close by. Was there another vile rumor being spread around? My hand dug into the pocket of my sweatpants and pulled out my phone. Instead of texting just Adam, I texted the group chat consisting of Hunter, Me, Adam, Brooklyn, Maddie, Jacob, and a few other individuals I didn’t care for. I made my way down the hall in the direction of my locker while keeping my attention on my phone. It took a few moments but everyone in the chat saw my message but not one person responded. Did something happen that I was not aware of? Not wanting to indulge in any potential drama or the trouble I could be in I shoved my phone back into my pocket. I just needed to get a few of my notes and textbooks from my locker before heading to class. As my body turned the corner I was met with a startling surprise.

            “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” A large crowd screamed, I jumped back with shock as the air was suddenly polluted with blue and white confetti. My eyes traveled along the filled hall in awe, the football team, the cheerleading team, groups of friends all stood at my locker and the surrounding area with confetti poppers in their hands and party horns in their mouths. 

            There was no way I actually forgot my birthday, my mind has been so preoccupied with other things and I thought with time moving so fast that it had passed already. Adam, who was of course the leader of this, emerged from the crowd and pulled me into a hug.

            “Happy 17th Nile..” He mumbled into my ear, I held him in a tight embrace with a wide grin. Eventually he pulled away but kept an arm snaked around my shoulder, he escorted me to my locker that was decorated from top to bottom of pictures of me throughout the tears of my life. Pictures of me when I was a kid with Maddie, my first football practice with the boys, Jacob’s dad was in the picture holding me, Jacob, Hunter, and Adam tightly. A picture of Roxy and I during her first treatments in the hospital, a picture of me, Charlie, and Caroline. Those still photos made me relive times I would never get back. I smiled at the scene barely being able to fight back the tears.

            “Oh the weekend we have planned for you birthday boy” Maddie grabbed a hold on my arm with a smirk, but she too indulged in the moment of reliving our childhood memories. Was that why my father was so nice to me today? He actually remembered my birthday? Everything seemed to be falling into place, and maybe I still had a chance at a good life.

            After receiving a ton of happy birthdays, the crowd soon dispersed and only a few people stuck around to help clean up the mess we made in the hall, but Adam wanted there to be more privacy when he gave my next surprise.  

            “Nilly!” His voice brought me peace and comfort, he reminded me of the person I wanted to be, gentle and kind. He loved me for who I was and accepted me for all my flaws, I knew he was still just a child but Charlie was the best person in this world.

            Charlie and my mom appeared from around the corner, he had his arms lifted up in the air with a blinding smile on his face. It’s been too long since I felt his embrace. Once in arm’s length I scooped him up from the ground. His small arms wrapped around my neck, from a far I watched my mother with crossed arms look at me with a grin. 

            “Happy Birthday Nilly” Charlie brought his small palms to my cheeks, it was like time hadn’t passed, as if we had just seen each other yesterday. It seemed everyone around me had remembered my birthday except me. Last year I didn’t do much except drink with a small group of friends. My mom came and embraced me, she had burning questions and I could feel her disappointment but she put that aside. I was excited to see what my friends had planned for me this weekend.

                                                                              Autumn Marie Tyler

            I was sitting at my lab bench waiting for class to commence. Roxy didn’t come to our first period class. I assumed she was with Nile, everyone was. He failed to tell me that it was his birthday. I really did like Nile, but why do I feel a fear in my stomach whenever I admit that? Why am I attracted to some who has hurt me in the past? Who’s to say he won't do it again?

            “Hey-” Knocking me out of my thoughts, Roxy crashed down in the stool next to mine. Something was noticeably different about her. Instead of a wig the top of her head was filled with light brown wavy curls in a pixie cut. Roxy cleared her throat and looked at me, I was inspired by her strength. I don’t think I have ever seen her natural hair, she was so gorgeous.

            “Roxy, you are absolutely stunning” I said, instantly her cheek flared up. She tried dismissing my words by rolling her eyes but she was actually touched. I could tell she was nervous, by the way she was scanning the classroom to see if anyone was staring at her. Her face was cleared of any makeup, she looked her actual young age. 

            “Well f**k me Roxanne!” Both me and Roxy looked up and saw Nile and Adam standing in the doorway. They also caught the attention of a few scattered students who were settling themselves in their seats. 

            “Stop..” Roxy said shyly, she tried to hide herself away from the attention, it was Nle that was giving it to her. There was a headband on his head that said ‘birthday boy’ and a few blue beaded necklaces hanging from his neck.

            “Look at you!” Nile’s voice boomed throughout the classroom and Adam was only egging him on. They pushed themselves out from the doorframe and quickly approached Roxy. She tried to keep her head down and I acted as if everything was fine, I don’t know, was it?

            “Roxanne darling you are perfection-” Adam said with a high pitched voice, he pulled Roxy into a hug and she let out a laugh not able to hold himself back anymore.

            “I don’t know, I just wanted to try something different, especially after what Stella said. Maybe it’s time for a change” Roxy said with a faint voice, I absolutely hated how Roxy let Stella get to her. She was such an amazing person and didn't deserve that at all.

            “Stella can go f**k herself Rox, please don’t listen to a word she says. You have always been and forever will be breathtaking” Nile ruffled up Roxy’s hair and she groaned playfully. I was able to avoid their conversation without getting pulled into it. 

            Class started, as time ticked, I avoided any kind of communication with Nile. It's not like it was hard for him, he was getting bathed in attention by his fellow classmates. By the time class ended me and Roxy said our goodbyes then I darted straight for the door. My least favorite thing about high school was the halls in between classes, the change of the environment made me anxious about all kinds of people having differing opinions about you. I held my books close to my chest and kept a fast pace to my next class. 

            "Hey-" Halting my movements a hand gripped around my upper arm and turned me around. I wasn't prepared at all to speak with him. My lips pressed firmly together and locked eyes with Nile.

            "Happy birthday" I motioned to his headband, Nile breathed out a laugh. He looked around our surroundings. It wasn't the most ideal place to have a conversation, nor did we have the time. 

            "Thanks, I actually forgot.." Nile responded, it would explain why he hadn't brought it up. He had been through a lot of things this past week. 

            "I can't talk much, but this weekend Adam is throwing my birthday party at his parents' snow lodge, I was wondering if you'd want to come" Nile took a step closer to me prompting me to take a step back. I didn't know how else to react, in a hall filled with people, so exposed. I didn't have the same luxury as Nile being able to be with any and every girl he wanted and being met with praise. I was still being called a slut in hushed whispers. He looked at me with a confused expression on his face. 

            "No, it won't be my kind of scene but have fun. Um, I should get to class" I didn't wait for a response or to catch a glimpse of his facial expression. I was so confused, and I didn't know how else to react. I needed someone to talk to, someone to help me understand these feelings.

            After school ended I decided to catch up with a friend who could probably give me some insight with my dilemma with Nile. The two of us had just finished ordering, once we handed our menus back to the waitress we dove deep into conversation.

            “So, you and Nile huh?” Bisa asked me, I hadn't seen her since the football game but we would text each other every once and a while. I groaned gently leaning back against the booth and nodded my head.

            “It’s so complicated Bisa, I can’t talk about it with my friends because I feel like I’m betraying them because they once had feelings for Nile, my parents absolutely hate Nile, and I just feel so alone. I’ve never been this conflicted about a guy” I responded, she looked at me with risen eyebrows. Nile revealed that he and Bisa had gotten together while she was in a relationship with someone else. Maybe she could help me understand why I’m willing to put my heat at risk for a guy who’s known for giving me hell.

            “It’s always complicated when it comes to the opposite s*x” She responded sighing deeply, I could feel her frustration radiate off her skin.

            “Nile and I grew up in the same neighborhood. It definitely wasn’t easy for either of us. Eventually my parents moved out of the dangers of my old neighborhood and into the suburbs in the town next to you. Nile is complicated-” Bisa’s hands ran over her face and she shrugged.

            “One week he is a drug addict, the other he has raging anger issues, next thing you know he is drinking his ass off, there are days where he completely shuts himself off from the world. There are parts of Nile he has yet to show you. Autumn, I’m not here to tell you what to do, but you need to know what you’re getting involved with” My face dropped with my nerves weighing it down. I knew the monstrous parts of Nile before I saw the sweet and kind, but which side was more dominant?

            “But he can also be a great guy. He just has a lot of demons to fight and I’ll admit I was one of those people who weren’t willing to stay and help him fight. You’re young Autumn, we all are, and love is going to hurt like a b***h no matter what we do, so just go for it. Have fun and be reckless” I brought my eyes up to meet Bisa, she offered me a smile which I took graciously. After everything that’s happened to me, I wanted to be young, I wanted to be reckless, I wanted to fall for someone without fearing what was to come next. I wanted to be stupid and impulsive, and I wanted that with him. 

            “Now, it’s time for some gossip” Bisa said interrupting my thoughts, although Nile took up most of my mind, I decided to put that aside for now and exchange gossip with my friend. We talked and laughed over some milkshakes and burgers. It didn’t stop there, after we finished with our meals we proceeded back to my house. It was the first time Bisa was at my place, so I gave her the grand tour and I needed her to help me pack for this weekend. Changing my mind very last minute was ridiculous  but I wanted to tell Nile how I felt, I also wanted to tell him that I just didn’t want to be friends with him. There was something more between us and I know he’s noticed it too.

            Once in my bedroom Bisa jumped onto my bed and flashed me with a wicked grin. I wondered what she thought of all this.

            “So this is where Nile did his s****l act, I’m surprised he didn’t do more with you” She said, making me shake my head with a smirk, I was too surprised. It made me regret even more what Paul did to me,

            “Well I wanted to, but he refused” I responded, Bisa sat up on my bed. Her draw had dropped down to the duvet. 

            “What?! Nile hardly ever holds himself back, why did he?” Bisa asked, it was more of a question to herself but my words flowed effortless out from my lips and I gave a dark answer to her question.

            “Because I told him my ex-boyfriend r***d me, then he kinda just held off-” My arms crossed over my chest as I shrugged my shoulders. Sorrow quickly replaced Bisa’s shocked expression as she slowly slid off the bed. I wasn’t expecting her to react like this, maybe i shouldn’t have said anything.

            “Autumn, I’m so sorry” Bisa said approaching me, with open arms. I tried shooting her down with a smile to reassure her that I was okay but it didn’t work. I was soon pulled into her embrace and instead of fighting it I wrapped my arms around her frame.

            “I’m okay..I promise” I breathed, Bisa nodded but she didn’t release me. I found comfort in her embrace and we just stayed like that for a while. I definitely would want to spend more time with Bisa after today, she was such a cool down to earth girl, I didn’t feel the need to hide anything from her. 

            “Autumn, honey, I’m home..” Me and Bisa were on my bed discussing what I should bring to the snow lodge and somehow we stumbled across my bras and panties, thankfully my mother interrupted us preventing me from experiencing that kind of humiliation. My mother stood in my door frame and she was shocked to see Bisa in my company.

            “Hey mom! You’re back, this is my friend Bisa” I shuffled off my bed and went up to her. I planted a kiss on her cheek, she was wearing more makeup than usual. Bisa rose from the bed and gave a slight wave to my mother.

            “It’s so nice to meet you, you have a lovely home” My mother nodded eyeing Bisa from head to toe without saying a single word. Bisa shifted uncomfortably at the inspection before my mother finally spoke up.

            “It’s nice to meet you Bisa, excuse me for my sluggish behavior. I'm quite exhausted, and hungry” I turned my attention back to my mother who looked like she could barely stand on her two feet, she was overworking herself to the point of exhaustion. 

            “I know where your kitchen is, let me fix you something to eat, I’m a great cook-” Bisa offered shocking both me and my mother. What’s with everyone knowing how to cook beside me? It’s getting embarrassing. My mother shook her head vigorously to object, but Bisa waved her hand at us.

            “Nonsense, I already know what I’m going to make! Autumn you should get her to bed” In agreement, I watched as Bisa moved past us and disappeared down the hall. I took the bags out from my mother’s hands and made sure to lean her against my body as I guided her to her bedroom.

            “You are pregnant mom, you can’t be overworking yourself like this.” After taking off my mother’s heels I laid her flatly in bed and made sure the covers were draped over her body. There was something on her mind, she could barely look at me and her face was drowning in regret. I hope this wasn’t about the divorce. 

            “I was going to ask you if I could take the weekend to go up into the mountains with the girls but you obviously need me here or else you’ll neglect-” My mother snapped her head back at me with her eyes widened, she made me flinch at her sudden movements.

            “No, you should go. Autumn, I need to be alone and you need to be a kid. Go have fun..” My eyes narrowed, it was like she was pushing for me to be there, like she wanted me to be out of the house. I wanted to ask her what was going on with her but she taught me at a young age never to pry into grown folk business. So I simply nodded at her words.

            It would be another thirty minutes before we saw Bisa again, she had whipped up a quick bowl of spaghetti drowning in this delicious sauce that melted on the tip of my tongue. The three of us ate and carried light conversation but in the back of my mind I knew that there was something wrong with my mother, something she wasn’t telling me.