Monstrous

11

                                                                           Autumn Marie Tyler

            On the outside, it looked like an old-fashioned, run-down cabin but don’t let the looks deceive you about the inside. The cabin was two floors and it was completely modernized, with chic furniture, up-to-date appliances, and internet with a flatscreen mounted on the wall. This was not the kind of cabin I grew accustomed to when I went camping.

            Nile and I didn’t speak when we got inside, I got settled in the living room, while he went to take a shower. I sat down and took a look around, the sofas were a chestnut brown with decorative flannel blankets hanging off the back. They were arranged around the electronic fireplace. I kicked off my sneakers and curled up on the couch, I wasn’t mad at Nile, I was just scared. What if it was just about s*x? I began to fidget nervously with my fingers. I started to develop serious feelings for Nile and what if it wasn’t reciprocated?

            For a while I sat on the couch alone watching an action movie, it held my attention until Nile came out of nowhere crashing down on the couch next to me. He had on grey sweatpants and a short sleeve black shirt. Secretly, I loved being able to see his tattoos. When I focused my attention on him, it looked like he had something serious he wanted to talk about, so I took the remote and muted the television before turning my body to face him.

            “Why did you bring me up here?” I thought I knew what his intentions were but it's crazy how things could be blurred in the matter of seconds. Nile turned his head and sighed deeply.

            “Why did you agree? It’s not like I dragged you up here..” I sensed a bit of hostility, something was going on in his mind, his eyes were narrowed and his jaw was tightened up. Maybe this was the time to tell him how I truly felt.

            “Because I like you. I came up here to tell you how I feel about you, about us..” The words felt so weird to be spoken, but we were secluded with absolutely nothing in the world that could harm us. Nile’s face softened, he looked at me with wide eyes filled with shock. Gently, he breathed out a laugh and looked away from me.

            “I care about you, and I know after everything I’ve done, I have no right to be in any part of your life, but I’m falling for you, so f*****g hard and I don’t know what to do..” My face burned a thousand degrees and my heart did cartwheels in my chest. I couldn’t comprehend what this feeling was because this was the first time anyone has ever made me feel like this. I got up from my spot on the couch and shuffled my way over to him, I had no other words that I could speak. Nile looked at me with confusion as I settled myself into his lap. His hands cupped both sides of my waist and I settled my palms on his neck. His skin was so dangerously enticing, my body jumped every time we came into contact. We didn’t say anything else, we just enjoyed each other’s touch with the truth of our emotions out there. We didn’t kiss, all we needed was for our foreheads to touch and we felt all the affection in the world. We had feelings for each other, the question is, where do we go from here?

            I don’t know how but we fell asleep on the couch, entangled in a tight embrace. The sun poured through the porch windows, the exposure of sunlight woke the both of us. We let out deep yawns before greeting each other.

            “Hey..” He said first, it felt so weird being in his arms like this but it honestly felt like the only place in the world where I belonged. His warm smile greeted me. I bit my bottom lip and smiled back.

            “Hi..” I responded, and Nile let out a small laugh. I loved this view of him, tiredness still lingered in his eyes but he looked so harmless and tender.

            “Let me get started on breakfast..” Nile broke the hold our eyes held on each other. I sat up and stood up off the couch and he followed. We went our separate ways. I couldn’t help but have a smile on my face, being here with him made up for all the lost time.

                                                                                Nile Cale

            While I finalized prepping breakfast Autumn emerged from the top of the stairs with wet hair and different clothing from before. She had on a long sleeve midnight blue sweater dress with matching fuzzy socks. She let her hair fall messily on her shoulders, the sight of her took my breath away.

            “What’s for breakfast chef?” Autumn asked approaching me in the kitchen, she leaned against the kitchen island eyeing the food on the two separate plates, it was almost adorable how she didn’t know how to cook.

            “Nothing fancy, just an omelet with hash browns on the side” Autumn was practically drooling at the plate, not wasting another second I placed a fork in her hand. Instead of making her way over to the small dining room, Autumn climbed up onto the island and sat on it while keeping her plate of food in her lap.

            “He’s handsome, knows how to cook, and is a star player on the football team, popular among the town. What more can Nile Cale ask for?” She said, popping a hash brown into her mouth, I laughed, I walked up beside her shaking my head as I quietly cut into my omelet. There were a lot of things that I wished for, a normal family, the absence of my many issues, and having people see the real me.

            “So much, you have no idea,” My response wasn’t meant to be heard but once it was Autumn looked at me with a curious eye. Seriousness replaced her foolishness, I didn’t want to get into it. The last thing I needed was for my life and the s**t I’ve done in the past to taint my relationship with Autumn.

            “Nothing, I was thinking about money, cars, buying the moon, all that nonsense” I looked down into my plate and then back at Autumn who was swallowing a piece of the omelet.

            “You know it's just us here? You don’t have to pretend with me..” Before her blue eyes could put me in a trance I brought my attention back down to food and ate a hash brown. When I brought Autumn up to this cabin, I wanted to get close with her, to hang out, I didn’t think she would break down the barriers I’ve had up for years.

            “You dislike the guy in front of you so much that you’ve fully convinced yourself that I’m faking it or pretending? What if the guy you’ve known for weeks is who I am” Autumn didn’t like the tone of voice I decided to take with her, it was harsh but whenever I got a hint of someone trying to break into my head, I went on defense.

            “The guy who has belittled me? Who made me feel like s**t and made sure my confidence was diminished? If that's the case, then I want nothing to do with you. I won’t let another guy ruin me” The conversation went south in a matter of seconds and it was frustrating. Autumn jumped off the kitchen counter and tossed her plate into the sink along with the food. Watching her walk away hurt but I did not fight for me to stop her. I’ve tried, with Roxy, with Maddie, with Bella, even with Stella, with many girls, and now Autumn. I just couldn’t open up the way I wanted to, I was afraid that the image I’ve built up for years would be taken away because I decided to tell the truth. I wasn’t made to be loved or to love, and maybe it’s time I came to terms with that, this reality.

                                                                    Autumn Marie Tyler

            What was I doing here? Anxiously I ran my fingers through my hair. I was gathering my thoughts in one of the rooms on the second level, for a while I paced around the large room, rolled around the queen-sized bed, stared out the window. I needed to call my mom, I needed to get out of here. I shuffled around my duffle bag for my phone that I discarded when I went to take a shower. I had no clue what was going on with Nile but I couldn’t be around the guy who once had the agenda to make me miserable.

I began to text my mother, notifying her that I would be home early and that I would be ordering a ride home. Was I foolish to think that I could be his..girlfriend? That we could make each other happy? How f*****g naive can I be?

            Mid text, I felt his presence, immediately I turned off my phone and shot up from the bed. Nile appeared in the door frame of the room and leaned against it. He had taken a shower, his cologne was stronger than usual and his wet stuck to his forehead. He wore black jeans with a white long sleeve shirt and army lace-up boots.

            “I’m leaving,” I said, breaking the silence motioning over to my bag, Nile faintly nodded his head as I sat down on the edge of the bed zipping up my bag. I didn’t bother changing, my sneakers were by the front door. It felt horrible with eyes branding on my skin, eventually, he walked into the room and did the weirdest thing, he sat down on the floor in the middle of the room in front of me. There was something in his mind, when he looked away from me I could just see the fight in his eyes. My mouth opened but before I could speak Nile cut me off.

            “There was this mug my dad used to drink out of, he got it when he went to watch his favorite football team live in the stadium..” He began, sorrow completely took over his face. I didn’t move, I didn’t think about leaving. I simply listened.

            “We used to do that, watch football games together, my father loved sports and I loved being able to bond with him..-” Nile coughed out a laugh shaking his head, he kept his attention on the wall behind me.

            “When I was a kid, maybe six or seven, my dad told me to get a bowl of nachos from the kitchen. The game was about to get started so I was hurrying-” I placed my phone onto the bed and leaned forward intrigued with his story.

            “I was running, my foot caught on something and I fell. I dropped the bowl and my body collided with the coffee table that held his favorite mug. It slid and fell to the ground. My dad was silent for a few moments before he shot up from his chair and kicked me in my face-” I didn’t expect for the story to take such a horrid turn, but it did and I saw the effect it had on Nile. He wouldn’t look at me, he was reluctant to.

            “I remember waking up in the same spot the next day with bruises all over my body. I remember being in so much pain that I didn’t even want to cry because it would hurt. It wasn’t the first time he hit me, it wasn’t the last either..” Nile took a deep sigh, while his eyes watered his hands trembled violently. I couldn’t process what he was telling me correctly, I was shocked and afraid for him. All this time? He showed up to school with bruises and he was able to easily lie about it, and I believed him, everyone did.

            “It was systematic and deliberate. Every time I came home, from school, from practice, from a friend's house. He was just waiting, physically, emotionally, he always found a way to hurt me” I wanted him to look at me so badly but when he did I was taken back from the tears strolling down his cheeks and the pain I saw in his eyes, the brokenness, the desperation. I was so wrong about him.

            “Ever since I could remember, he has hated me. I’m f****d up and I know this isn’t an excuse or a reason for how I act, but I’m sorry, a-and I-I’m trying t-to better, p-please-” I don’t know what broke me the most, seeing Nile beg for redemption or seeing him lose all self-control. He exploded with tears choking on his words, his entire body began to tremble as he brought himself to his knees. I wanted him to open up to me but never did I think in a million years that Nile was harboring all this pain and trauma.

            “No, no stop, Nile..” I couldn’t take it anymore, I grabbed Nile’s trembling hands and pulled him closer to me until my arms trapped him in a hug. Everything else he said was inaudible, he clawed at my dress and wept until his tears soaked through the fabric, touching my skin.

            “I’m here, I’m right here,” I said, with that Nile wrapped his arms around my body tightly. Underneath his coldness, his monstrous demeanor was a boy who had endured years of abuse. The facade he kept up not to protect himself from the world but to protect the world from him. Nile truly saw himself as broken and unloveable, that he turned into the wretched beast people feared, but not me. For the very first time, I saw him, the real him, the one that wept into my arms and told me terrifying details of every instance where his father abused and tortured him, told me of his mother abandoning him, of his sister’s disappearance. I saw someone who just wanted to be loved.

            We were in bed, my back was against the headboard while Nile kept his head in my lap. I caressed the back of his head gently, giving him the safe haven he needed to reveal his dark past. His hand kept a firm grip on my thigh, afraid that if he were to let go that I would leave him. I needed the time to recollect my thoughts, I kept on envisioning Nile and the scenes he described to me where his father beat him. It was a nightmare in my head, but I could only imagine what he had to go through. Unexpectedly, Nile lifted his head from my lap and inched towards the edge of the bed, where he just sat. He had his back towards me with his head hanging low.

            “You are not broken or f****d up. You are not a monster, you are not loveless, you are not worthless, you are not anything your father has said to you..” A part of me felt guilty because I once called him these names to his face, I once implied that he was a disappointment, I spoke about his life and family without knowing the full story. I tried reaching over to him but he stood up from the bed before I could. I didn’t pursue him, I just watched him pace around the room pushing his hair back away from his face.

            “I don’t want to talk about it anymore..” He mumbled looking up at me. His arms dropped back down at his sides and I crawled across the bed until I reached the end of it.

            “Okay, we don’t have to talk about it. It’s still bright outside, we could go on a hike, or we could watch a movie-” I said forcing a smile on my lips, he gave me so much of him and I couldn’t ask for more until he was truly ready. I stepped off the bed and cupped his face in my hands wiping his cheeks free of tears with my thumbs. He needed to know that I was here for him and I wasn’t going anywhere.

            “Let’s watch a comedy, yeah? Cuddle on the couch and eat some junk food” I recommended, Nile’s attention wasn’t on me, I wanted desperately to know what was going on in his mind. After a few moments of silence, he caught my eye and nodded faintly.

            That's what we did, I gathered up all the junk food I could find and placed it on the coffee table. Nile was off in the kitchen, I wanted to give him a bit of space before trapping him in my arms once again. Once I gathered a few blankets for us then crashed down onto the couch. It took a while for Nile to join me in the living room but when he did, he came back with a bottle of vodka. It was halfway finished but still contained enough alcohol to get him buzzed, not on my watch though.

            "Can we not involve liquor please?" I said standing up from the couch, I snatched the bottle from his grasp. He didn't put up a fight, he looked mentally exhausted. I'm guessing he wanted to numb out his emotions but I'm here now.

            "We agreed on cuddling, eating junk food, and watching movies." I tossed the bottle onto the armrest and smiled at Nile, who had begun to warm up to me again. I sat down on the couch and pulled him down with me.

            It took some time and a few movies but eventually Nile let out a chuckle after hearing a corny joke. Our bodies were jumping with sugar, serotonin and buried underneath the blankets, we sat side by side stealing glances at each other. Nile kept me close with his arm tightly wrapped around my shoulders. There we were in a cabin secluded from the world, enjoying the most vulnerable parts of each other.

                                                                           Nile Cale

            After indulging in a long time of comedy movies, Autumn and I took to our separate bedrooms and said goodnight. I was laying in bed staring up at the ceiling going over the events of today. I wasn't planning on telling her, I planned on watching her walk about the door and just find a random girl to have fun with, but I couldn't. I couldn't let her go and the minute I started to speak, it all just came out of me and she listened. The years of pain I've had to endure from my father were given time to finally heal and that was her doing. She didn't call me a liar, she didn't see me as weak, she saw me and that's more than I could ever ask for. That's all I wanted in a person.

            Deep in my thoughts in the late night, there was a knock on my door, I knew who it was. I jumped out of bed and opened the door hurriedly. She bit her lip at the sight of me and smiled.

            "I know it's late, but-" Autumn started, she inched into my room and I couldn't hold myself back from kissing her. It's all I've been wanting to do since we got on this trip, but I wanted to be a gentleman and I didn't want her thinking that I would take advantage of her. Autumn pulled away from me, already I began to mourn the absence of her lips on mine.

            "I was wondering if I could stay here with you?" Autumn was already in the room and she knew all I wanted was to be around her. I closed the door behind her and nodded.

            "Of course.." I smirked, taking her hand gently and leading her back to the bed. When we got situated underneath the covers staring at each other.

            "I know you said that you wouldn't want to talk about anything until tomorrow but know that I won't leave your side, no matter how hard things get" Autumn offered me a smile, sincerity shined bright in her eyes. Even after how I treated her I don't get how she could want to stay with me, support me. Autumn sat up and so did I follow her lead. She cleared her throat and pushed the covers off her body.

            "I see you and want you to see me too" My eyebrows lifted with confusion and I smiled at her not knowing where she was heading with that. I feel like I already knew so much about her.

            Autumn took a deep sigh closing her eyes before grabbing a hold of the hem of her sweater dress and lifted it. Before her body came into my sight I turned my head away giving her an ounce of privacy while still sharing the same bed. I was taken by complete surprise, I heard her dress drop down on the floor.

            "W-what are you doing? Put your clothes back on" I said nervously, Autumn didn't say anything nor did she respond. I could hear her light breathing filling up the room.

            "It was before my sister died when I started cutting, I just needed a place to hide the self-harm so I did it on my upper thighs first. I tried to pretend to my family, my boyfriend, and my friends that I was okay and perfect but inside I felt like this ugly battered girl whose world would come crashing down even harder…" Her voice trembled, every time she revealed a piece of her past to me, it broke me. I felt her pain and wanted to rid her of that.

            "Can you please look at me?" I was reluctant, I felt like I was violating her but I didn't want her thinking that I was hesitant to look at her because I thought lowly of her appearance so I looked at her. She almost took my breath away, the room had no lighting except for the moonlight pouring into the room radiating her skin. Her hair fell effortlessly on her shoulders. She wore this dark blue lace bralette with matching pantied that did wonders for her eyes. Yes, she had scars and blemishes all over her skin, for the first time I was able to see her scars up close news jagged lines crossed over old and faded ones. It didn't take away from her beauty, it only served as a reminder that she was this fierce warrior who has gone through hell and back.

            "You are breathtaking Autumn, you are far from battered and ugly. You have so much to you that makes you this incredible human being and everyone sees that. I will never forgive myself for not seeing that when we first met" My hand reached out to caress her cheek, she smiled leaning into my touch. It was something I had never seen in her eyes before, they were wide and filled with this positive energy that radiated off of her.

            "Come here.." I pulled Autumn into my lap and her face became a bright shade of red. With her permission, I laid my hands on her waist and the feeling on her skin was divine. Our foreheads pressed against each other, she had her arms wrapped around my neck and she had this big wide smile on her lips. We just sat there for eternity, my hands roamed her skin respectfully making sure not to cross any lines.

            "Nile?" Autumn broke the silence and pulled her forehead away from mine. Her hands cupped the side of my neck, I caressed her thighs gently and ran my hands over her scars.

            "I want to, tonight.." At first, I didn't know what she was implying until her eyes gave it away. Down from the look in her eyes to how her body reacted with me, that she was ready.

            "Autumn, are you sure?" There wasn’t any excuse I could use to talk her out of it, she wasn’t driven by guilt, pity, or fear. She was comfortable with giving me that side of her. Autumn nodded and without a second to waste she crashed her lips down onto mine. Never in a million years did I think I would be this intimate with her.

            There wasn’t any hesitancy or second-guessing. She wanted to feel me, eager for my skin to touch hers. Autumn brought my shirt over my heat and trailed her fingers all over my back and tattoos. My lips left hers, ventured along her jawline, and down her neck. The electricity that ran through my body was enough to light up an entire city. I rolled Autumn onto her back, snaked myself in between her legs, and looked down at her, our heavy breathing filled the room.

            “I never thought we would end up like this,” Autumn said as I hovered over her. The smirk on her face made me laugh. I felt her hands travel down my back until they reached the waistband of my sweatpants. For some reason I was more nervous than her, so I began to question my ability to perform. All the while Autumn shimmied my sweatpants halfway down my legs before I pushed them down my ankles, so little fabric separated us it was nerve-wracking.

            “This is f*****g me up” I mumbled against her lips, she combed her fingers through my hair while looking at me with curiosity in her eyes.

            “Are you not attracted to me?” She asked not to be sure of herself anymore, insecurity glinted in her eyes. My jaw tightened and I brushed the thought away. My hands trailed down her waist, traced over her waist then down to the back of her thighs making sure they hugged my waist securely.

            “That's not it. I just don’t want to mess things up with you..” There was no turning back from this, we were so far away from the day we first met and it is scary how much things have changed.

            “You won’t, there is nothing else in this world that I want more than being here with you..” Autumn reassured me with a kiss, when I pulled away I pressed my forehead tightly against hers. I stayed in my head for a minute before fully losing my nerves.

            My lips ravaged hers unapologetically, with every kiss, every pant, every moan, we left the past behind and started a future filled with endless possibilities of just me and her. Autumn’s fingertips explored my skin, she didn’t know she healed all of my mental scars.

            “Do you have a condom?" She asked in between kisses, unintentionally I smiled widely against her lips recalling getting mad at Adam for giving me condoms and throwing them back at him.

            “I didn’t pack any because I hadn’t intended on having s*x with you, respectfully. I could go get one-” Before I could finish Autumn shook her head at the possibility of me leaving her, she kissed me passionately not intending to let me go any time soon.

            “Can we just not use one, and worry about the consequences later?” She asked faintly, at this time I would stop and take several steps away from the situation before I could make a grave mistake. Autumn shot me down with her ocean eyes filled with nothing but lust and trust, it gave me no sense of control or common sense.

            No more words needed to be spoken after that, we were reassured with the trust we gave each other and it drove our passion. A small whimper escaped her lips and her nails dug into my back with her panties pulled over to the side. I gently eased myself into her p***y, I grunted feeling her tightness. We melted into each other, sharing moans and kisses. It ached in my chest, unpredictable, reckless, wholesome, affection, it was a whirlwind of emotions that I felt for this one girl.

            The world around us didn’t matter, I knew it wasn’t her first time, it was most definitely not my first time. But this was the first time I felt this for a girl, the first time where I knew I was falling in love.