The Girl I shouldn't Like

Take your time

~Clara~

Once again, I opened my mouth, attempting to say something, but the words refused to come out. My mind kept wandering back to everything that had happened, to the chain of events that had somehow brought me to this exact moment.

How had my life become so complicated in such a short period of time?

“Baby girl,” my father’s cracked voice came again from the other side of the phone.

Something about the way he said those words made my chest tighten even more. It reminded me that he knew me better than anyone else. He could hear the difference in my voice. He could sense the things I was trying so desperately to hide.

That was what made everything more difficult.

Dad had always been my safe place. He was the person I ran to whenever something happened, whether it was something big or something small. I had told him about my dreams, my fears, my disappointments, and even the things that embarrassed me.

He was my best friend.

Yet now, at the moment when I needed him the most, I found myself unable to tell him the truth.

Not because I didn't trust him.

But because I was afraid of what the truth would change.

“Do you mind sharing what exactly the problem is?” he asked.

His voice was calmer now, quieter. There was no pressure in it, no demand for answers. Just a father who was worried about his daughter and wanted to understand what was hurting her.

A sharp pain of guilt moved through me.

Dad had spent his entire life protecting me. He had always been there whenever I needed him, and now I was standing here, hiding something important from him.

“I don't know if there is a problem,” I whispered.

Even as I said it, I knew it was a lie.

There was a problem.

A very big one.

And it wasn't something I could simply ignore until it disappeared.

“You don't have to pretend with me, Clara.”

I closed my eyes.

Of course he knew.

He always knew.

“I’m fine, Dad,” I said softly. “Everything will be okay.”

The words sounded convincing enough, but deep inside, I knew they were nothing more than another lie I was telling myself.

I wanted to believe that everything would eventually return to normal. I wanted to believe that this was just a moment of confusion, something that had happened because I was overwhelmed, because I was tired, because I had allowed myself to get caught up in emotions I didn't understand.

I wanted to believe that tomorrow I would wake up and everything would feel the way it used to.

But a part of me already knew that wasn't true.

Silence filled the call.

Dad didn't immediately respond.

He never did when he knew I wasn't being honest.

Instead, he gave me the space to find the courage to say what I needed to say. He had always been that kind of person. He never forced things out of me. He never made me feel trapped.

He simply waited.

And somehow, that made my guilt even worse.

“Baby girl,” he finally said, his voice warm but filled with concern, “you know you don't have to hide anything from me, right?”

My fingers tightened around the phone.

“You know I will always be here for you, no matter what happens.”

My throat tightened.

Those words should have comforted me.

Instead, they made me feel worse.

Because I knew I was choosing silence when I had someone who would have listened.

Someone who would have understood.

Someone who loved me enough to stand beside me even when I made mistakes.

But how could I explain something I didn't even understand myself?

How could I tell my father that I was questioning feelings I had never expected to have?

How could I admit that another woman's presence had somehow managed to shake everything I thought I knew about myself?

I had no answer.

And because I had no answer, I remained quiet.

“I understand,” Dad finally said after a moment.

I could hear the disappointment hidden beneath his calm voice, even though he tried to hide it.

“I won't force you to tell me anything before you're ready.”

I swallowed hard.

“But don't ever forget that you don't have to carry everything alone.”

A painful ache settled inside my chest.

“I know, Dad,” I whispered.

There was a brief pause before he continued.

“Whatever is troubling you, we will handle it together when you're ready.”

His words stayed with me.

Together.

That was the one thing I had always been able to count on.

My family.

The people who had always stood by me.

And yet here I was, keeping something from them.

“Alright,” he finally said, letting out a slow breath. “I’ll leave you to handle whatever is wrong.”

My eyes stung slightly.

“But don't forget that we, your family, are here for you like we have always been.”

I didn't trust my voice enough to answer.

So I remained silent.

A few seconds later, the call ended.

I lowered the phone slowly and continued staring at the screen as though I expected another call to come immediately.

As though maybe Dad would call back and somehow convince me to tell him everything.

But the phone remained silent.

And somehow, that silence felt heavier than anything else.

My heart refused to settle.

Guilt washed over me from every direction.

It wasn't just one thing making me feel this way.

It was everything.

I felt like I had betrayed everyone around me.

My father, who trusted me.

My family, who loved me.

Alexei, who had spent years believing that I was the person he would spend his future with.

And even Hyacinth.

Because even though I couldn't explain what was happening between us, I knew one thing.

It was wrong.

Everything about it was complicated.

She was my assistant.

I was her employer.

She was supposed to be someone I guided professionally, someone I supported in her career.

Not someone who made my heart race with a single look.

Not someone whose absence I felt almost immediately.

Not someone whose message could break me apart in the middle of my own engagement party.

I tried to push those thoughts away, but they refused to disappear.

I slowly moved to stand up, wanting to get away from the bed and do something, anything, that would stop my mind from replaying every moment.

But the moment I tried, my legs betrayed me.

They felt weak.

Heavy.

As though my body had finally caught up with everything my mind had been trying to ignore.

I sat back down.

A deep breath escaped me.

I didn't know what was happening to me anymore.

I only knew that I was tired.

Tired of pretending.

Tired of lying.

Tired of feeling like I was constantly fighting against myself.

Before I could gather my thoughts, my phone started vibrating again.

The sound immediately pulled me back into reality.

My heart jumped.

For a brief second, I thought it might be her.

That thought alone terrified me.

But when I looked at the screen, another name appeared.

Alexei.

My chest tightened.

Of course.

I hadn't even sent him a message.

I hadn't called him.

I hadn't explained why I had been distant.

Once again, guilt rushed through me.

I stared at his name glowing on the screen.

The man who loved me.

The man who had never given me a reason to doubt him.

The man who had looked at me last night with nothing but concern while I stood there unable to give him the honesty he deserved.

My finger hovered near the screen.

Part of me wanted to answer.

Part of me felt like I didn't deserve to.

“Do you still love Alexei?”

Dad's question echoed through my mind again.

The question I had avoided.

The question I couldn't answer.

The phone continued vibrating.

My breathing became uneven.

What was I supposed to say if I answered?

How could I pretend everything was fine when even I knew it wasn't?

The ringing continued for a few more seconds before finally stopping.

Relief washed over me.

But it didn't last long.

The guilt remained.

This time, I didn't hesitate.

I switched off my phone completely.

The darkness of the screen reflected my own exhaustion back at me.

I placed it beside me and leaned back against the pillows.

My mind was racing.

Too many thoughts.

Too many questions.

Too many emotions I couldn't control.

I needed to fix this.

I needed to understand what was happening before I destroyed everything I had built.

Before I hurt the people who loved me.

Before I lost myself completely.

Slowly, I fell back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling.

For the first time in years, I had no idea what my next step should be.

And that scared me more than anything.

Because I had always been someone who knew what she wanted.

Someone who had a plan.

Someone who could face any challenge placed in front of her.

But now.....

Now I was facing something I couldn't solve with determination or hard work.

I was facing my own heart.

And I had no idea how to control it.