When you say Goodbye

Second Kiss

The days turned into weeks. The weeks turned into months. Before they know it was already April. Dhruv and Ditiya were under the blanket, curled together on the couch.

He jammed the bottle gingerly between his knees, leaned over Ditiya, and ran a finger down her cheek. The night was very quiet outside as compared with the nights in the spring. Just a lone cricket was half-heartedly chirping somewhere. They were curling closer, he could see Ditiya's breath dance across his lips. He could not feel it though. Between the alcohol and Ditiya - mainly Ditiya - A chill ran through his spine like his belly was dropping the temperature, cooling him from the inside out, skin prickling.

Dhruv had thought about this before; has since they had laid next to each other, fully clothed, just after Ditiya had poured her heart out to him about all of her insecurities, he was a good listener but Ditiya was left all vulnerable, uncovered, exposed to his will. And when she fell asleep she looked so peaceful, so innocent. It was at that moment that he thought he had never, and would never; see anyone more beautiful than Ditiya. And at the same time, he doubted his feelings for Shreya; did he ever felt the same about her: if he had loved her before, did he still love her? Dhruv didn't cope well, and if he were being honest, he still doesn't. He had become good at compartmentalizing though - and lying, and pretending, and most importantly telling himself he cannot and he would not ever let the new foolish feeling come between him and Shreya.

Now, at present Dhruv was very scared nothing like this had ever happened to him before it was like a test and he was failing miserably because now Ditiya's lips parted as his thumb traced the outline of her lips. He could feel her breath, quick and warm on his hand. Her cheeks were flushed. He blamed the alcohol for it, he shouldn't have drunk so much wine and at least not with Ditiya.

Now all he could see, taste and breath were Ditiya and selfishly he allows it.

Dhruv wanted to go out and party but Ditiya had to show him the bottle of wine... A gift from an America admirer. He quickly felt a burn of jealousy and couldn't say no to share it. And that's the problem nowadays he rarely could say no to Ditiya. Dhruv was supposed to be strong, but Ditiya was the fire for his mouth. Sometimes that scared him so much that he wanted to run away, so f*****g far away, and he had a few times, but he could never get far. The other problem was the last thing Dhruv ever wanted to do was rely on someone to breathe, and break the promises he made to Shreya back home.

Then suddenly they were closer than ever before, Ditiya's chest against his, knees dug into his hips, tongue in his mouth. Dhruv would never say he felt fireworks, or that Ditiya's fingers were giving electric shock on his neck. Dhruv would never admit that all he wanted to do was take her to his room, hide under his warm blanket, and kiss her until their mouths are raw until they swear their breaths are one.

"Dhruv," Ditiya murmured into his mouth, and Dhruv kisses the words away. He didn't have any idea about how long they have been kissing, whether it had been minutes or hours. Dhruv could hear his breathing getting heavier and more pronounced like he ran a marathon.

Suddenly Ditiya shifted awkwardly and his p***s throbbed against her thigh, hard and hot, but it was only for a moment before awareness comes screaming out of his brain. Control was hanging by a thread, his conscience started bothering him, and he thought probably will never be able to look into Shreya's eye again. Ditiya didn't make it any easier, mouth blindly following every time Dhruv tried to break away. He had to reach for her jaw, saying her name twice or thrice before she opened her eyes slowly as if awakening from a dream. For a moment Dhruv felt like reality hitting them as harsh as the wind outside.

"Hey," he said, softly.

Ditiya blinked, once, twice, eyes dark and hooded, filled with something Dhruv had seen before. Love and lust and fear have become so intertwined that Dhruv was not sure which one it was that pools in his chest. "Hi."

He leaned forward, and brushed a kiss above her eyebrow, allowing it to linger no more than a second.

Dhruv woke up the next morning to the sound of his alarm. He hit the snooze button but he couldn't go back to sleep though he was fully clothed and was sleeping alone on his bed. His muscles were aching and stiff but now that his mind was conscious his mind played back the scenes from last night. He laid there letting his mind wander and slowly stretching out his muscles until the alarm went off a second time. He was initially tempted to just eat and then go straight to work since he was still in his clothes, but he quickly changed his mind. He dragged himself through his morning routine, taking a shower, shaving, and getting dressed at a much slower pace than usual.

He sat down to breakfast and ate slowly while he found time to give a glance at his phone. Some unwanted w******p groups, silly jokes. It kept his mind occupied and somewhat awake. He then gathered the last few things he would need for the day, poured a cup of coffee into his snap seal mug and headed down the stairs of his house to his car.

He started the car and then pulled out onto the road immediately. The car responded sluggishly at first as usual, but then it kicked in and carried him swiftly along the road. He sipped at his coffee and let his mind wander from Ditiya's bright smile that would light up his day to what he had to do at work.

After reaching the office, the morning went fast for Dhruv as after three or four meetings and many edits later he had a well-prepared presentation on a product that he wanted to present it to the board of directors, next day.

Suddenly Dhruv heard his phone buzz. He pulled open his phone and saw two messages. The first message he read was from Shreya asking "Hey, You didn't call last night and I didn't hear from you all day. Hope everything's okay. I guess you went out with your friends to enjoy. Please give me a call when you have time."The text ended with a smiley face kissing emoji.

"Sorry darling will call u as soon as I reach home," Dhruv replied and he smiled to himself. He checked the screen for the second message. His heart skipped a beat when he saw that the message was from—Ditiya.

The text read: Promise we won't be awkward about this?

He knew what she was talking about, how could she ask for nothing to be awkward, when everything was already messed up with him? At least she remembered it this time!

He sighed and hit the reply key to send a quick return post: About what?

Dhruv, don't. Ditiya's text came back at whiplash speed.

He thought why I can't just forget last night, I should have forgotten as I was so drunk. Nonsense, it made us better friends.

Dhruv, you PROMISE you won't be awkward about this?

He replied back with a simple, promise. But he was definitely going to be awkward.

Dhruv got home at about 7 that evening, the air seemed heavy and moist, and as he opened the front door emptiness ran through him. Inside seemed darker and colder than the outside.

Ditiya wasn't home yet, which was usual. Dhruv turned few lights on.

Though his eyes were open, Dhruv found himself daydreaming, but what he was seeing wasn't daydreams. They were memories like flashbacks form yesterday nights; he brushed her lips softly, tracing a path from her mouth to her ear. In another time, Dhruv would have made two cups of tea for them but today, one cup of tea would help him to avoid awkwardness.

David woke tip the next morning to the sound of his alarm. He hit the snooze button but he couldn't go back to sleep. His muscles were aching and stiff but now that his mind was conscious it was not ready to go back. He lay there letting his mind wander and slowly stretching out his muscles until the alarm went off a second time. He was initially tempted to just eat and then go straight to work since he was still in his clothes, but he quickly changed his mind. He dragged himself through his morning routine, taking a shower, shaving, and getting dressed at a much slower pace than usual. He sat down to breakfast and ate slowly while he read some pointless junk mail that happened to be sitting on the table. It kept his mind occupied and somewhat awake. He then gathered the last few things he would need for the day, poured a cup of coffee into his commuter's mug and headed down the stairs of his apartment to his car.

He started the car and then pulled out onto the road immediately. It was an older car and he knew he should let it warm up for a few minutes before driving, but he'd never had the patience to just sit in his car and wait when he knew he could be on the road. The car responded sluggishly at first as usual, but then it kicked in and carried him swiftly along the road. He sipped at his coffee and let his mind wander from to daydreams of varied assortments. He kept coming back to the one question that had been plaguing him for days now.

Dhruv planned to ignore Ditiya had hit a snag sometimes -how was he supposed to they shared the same kitchen, same bathroom and practically the same space and air whenever they were at home. He wasn't totally happy with the situation but it was okay.

Next morning at breakfast, Dhruv didn't say a word as he sat at the kitchen table and began eating his cereal and egg. Ditiya sat down across the table from him and he could feel her staring at him as he ate. "You promised not to make things awkward," she said quietly, staring into the coffee she had been holding in her hand. The entire time.

"It's not awkward," he mumbled, and then lifted his head and looked at her pleadingly.

But other than that, they had hardly spoken to each for the rest of the week. He even managed to complete his project; he had been working in next twelve days, a full month prior to target. The emptiness was settled between them, Ditiya had been on her computer most of the time, anyway. Not that she'd been paying attention.

Ditiya wasn't taking hints very well, though for some reason she kept trying to talk to him after during the breakfasts or dinners. Every time she tried, he darted away, afraid.

Ditiya looked drained. He heard her enter the front entryway and stroll down the passage to the kitchen. He could hear water running and thought 'she is making tea.' He knew they would, in the long run, need to confront each other and talk. He couldn't stow away for eternity. In any case, he walked up and down to his room, as he understood he would not like to confront her in any case not today. Overpowered with weariness, he moved into his bed, wrapped himself in his covers.

Ditiya sat and tasted some tea. It wasn't half as great as the masala tea Dhruv used to make for me it looked like slop, possessed a flavor like s**t to her. She should have rather made coffee for herself. She ascended from the sofa and strolled back to the kitchen. Remaining at the stove, she watched out the window at the porch and afterward her eyes fell on the refrigerator and the photograph above it. The photograph of Dhruv and Shreya. She lifted it up and looked down at it, she had a feeling that she needed to see her in the place of Shreya. She felt truly regretful for feeling that way. She felt regretful like she was harming somebody; she set it back and strolled up the entry to Dhruv's room. She tapped on his entryway however there was no answer.

So she opened the door a little, through the shadow she could see he was in the bed. Supposing him snoozing, she was going to close the entryway when she heard him saying tediously "Ditiya?"

She inclined her shoulder against the door jamb and let his look drench her up, "Well," Dhruv stated, ending the hush between them.

"Hello," After a minute she said ungracefully.

"Yeah hello there,"

"Some of my companions are coming round later," Dhruv's heart jumps at the trace of hesitation in her voice.

"Yeah okay... great,"

"You don't, um..." Ditiya jabbed her head in and took a gander at Dhruv, clearing her throat. "You don't mind if we take over the living room, do you?"

"No, no. Let it all out." He gave a veritable grin.

"You're welcome to join us if you want. Obviously, we're just gonna watch some films, have some pizza, that kind of thing." One of her thin fingers was playing with the chain she generally wore around her neck.

"I may, thanks."

..........

Dhruv watched her for long a time, always intrigued by the way Ditiya keeps talking continuously with her friends and colleagues like a bird who never stop twittering. Until They started talking about the movie they had seen and all of a sudden one of her friend asked curiously, turning toward Ditiya, " How long would you stay here before moving back to Hammond?"

That was all, eyes were on her; Dhruv's the heaviest of them all.

Ditiya nearly had to shift her entire body to avoid his heavy gaze. It was slightly intimidating, the way he was staring at her as if daring her to say something he won't like.

"Well, my project is done here, so yes, I will be moving back to Hammond. I need to go back next month and settle down before starting my job again."

.................

Dhruv flicked the overhead light on and sat down heavily in a dining table's chair. He lit a cigarette and sat back. He inhaled deeply and drew the smoke out of his nose. Ditiya was throwing away cups and cleaning up after the get-together. It was well past two in the morning and the party had just wrapped up.

He inhaled and held the cigarette in, then exhaled a large volume of smoke before he finally spoke up, "So you are going back then?" He always knew this was only a temporary stay for some officials works, but hearing going back was confirmed definitely hurt. This was ridiculous. They weren't together, and he was in a relationship with someone else. He had been fighting with his own emotions. Trying not to allow such feelings to overtake him, to confuse him and make him lose control.

Ditiya looked at him. "Ah, there it is," she said. "I was waiting to see how long it would take to get it out of you."

He rolled his lips together. His eyes looked sad. Sadder than melodramatic leads of Hindi movies. Smoothing her raw lip with her tongue she continued. 'I had planned on it. I still have things I need to do in Chicago. But I just feel like I'd be abandoning Di. I came here to stay with her, I'm not sure she'll be able to handle living in that house alone." She was scared. He could see that. And while part of him wanted to run after her and beg her to stay or to just get on and go with her, wherever and whenever she goes. A bigger part of him just wanted to let her go. There was no point in dredging it up right now. It would accomplish absolutely nothing.

'I wish I could tell you what to do and make you stay. But that's a decision you have to make for yourself. Only you can decide where you need to be. 'Dhruv said. Sounding way stronger than he actually was.

Ditiya's lips quirked into a half smile. 'Wow. When did you get so deep?" She joked. He laughed.

'You have no idea how deep I've become," he teased back. Though he wished he could take back his words when he saw Ditiya's face fall.

'No, I guess I don't know how we feel about each other anymore, Now that you stopped talking to me?" she sounded so sad and Dhruv hated it. He grabbed her hand and held it between his. His thumb slowly rubbed her skin in purposeful circles.

"I also don't know myself these days but I have always been an open book to you," he said firmly. Needing her to believe that. As though he couldn't help himself. Dhruv dropped his head to her shoulder and pressed his nose into her hair.

Her heart began to beat wildly in her chest but there was nothing s****l in this. It was just two people who loved each other. Trying to make some sense in a world where there was none.

She felt the wetness of his tears on her neck as he moved his face farther into her hair. Ditiya lifted her arm and wrapped it around his back. His body shook with silent sobs and she just held him.

They did not say anything else. They really did not need to. But after a while, she realized it was growing late as a pale morning light spread through the room.

'I think we should go and take some rest," Dhruv said softly. Rubbing the back of her head. letting her hair slide between his fingers, perhaps for the last time.

Ditiya reluctantly sat up and rubbed at her face with her hands. 'Thank you. Dhruv. For letting me stay here for so long?" She touched his face and his eyes dropping to her mouth as if by compulsion. He wondered briefly if she would try and kiss him. And If she did would he let him?

Turned out he did not have to think about that too much, because without another word. Ditiya got to her feet and left the room. He sat there not sure what to do. After sharing such an intense moment together again after so long it felt strange for him to go. But Ditiya leaving him alone

Spoke volumes. He turned off the light and walked to his bedroom, closed door behind him, allowing him to get some of his lost sleep.