imperfect

Chapter five

Varian laid in bed as his eyes were drying up. For him, it was weird that his

eyes were so dry after crying a lot. He barely got any sleep that night too, which didn’t help. He didn’t know what he was going to do. It seemed that the only thing that kept Evan away were bars, but he didn’t have the safety of believing in that anymore. He really didn’t want his past to get to him. The only thing he seemed to know was the fact he couldn’t run from his past any longer.

Varian got up, going over to the flowers and took them. He admired them one last time before he left the small apartment and threw them away. In that final moment with the flowers, he could feel a connection with the flowers. One that he also felt with Evan, but he knew he had to let go. He didn’t want the reminder that Evan was watching him, despite the fact he kept the note. That note was the only evidence he had that Evan was after him, and he knew where he was going to keep it.

He had a shoe box hidden under his bed filled with old writings from being trapped in a dimly lit room. The reason he had them was to make sure he knew where he came from, and to remember what he had felt in the moment. Evan, although very sick, was also rather thoughtful towards them. It was a twisted way to make them believe that he cared, when really he just used them for his own pleasure. There was an hour each day in which the boys would write down whatever they were feeling, and Evan would sit down and talk to them about it. Varian vowed a long time ago to get rid of them, but every time he tried, he couldn’t. He always felt like something bad was going to happen to him if he were to get rid of them.

As he went to put it into the box, he heard the door open. He froze, slipping the container under the bed and got up to check out the sound. He looked over to Alec’s bed, seeing it was empty. He couldn’t take the chance it wasn’t Alec, so instead he went over to the door and waited to see if the intruder would come in. When a black figure appeared, he turned on the lights and a very tired Alec groaned.

“Varian,” he muttered under his breath.

“Sorry, I was just making sure you--”

“It’s okay,” Alec started, looking concerned, “Why aren’t you asleep?”

“Um…”

“It’s because of that letter, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s just--” Varian was cut off as Alec went to the kitchen.

“I’m getting rid of it. I’m not going to have you sleepy while you’re cooking. You could burn the whole place down!”

“It’s already gone, Alec,” he lied, biting his lip nervously and staring at the floor.

“What?”

“I threw it away. Along with the papers.”

Alec slowly went over to Varian, giving him a short, but meaningful hug.

“I’m sorry you had to go through everything that you did, Varian.”

“It’s okay, can we stop talking about it?”

Alec nodded softly and moved away. The two agreed to try and get some sleep. Varian laid in his bed, facing the wall. He took deep breaths and managed to get some rest.

After sleeping for a few hours, it was time to wake up. Varian woke up to the sound of a shower. He slowly sat up and went to pick out a comfortable outfit. The Sugar Bean was closed today, due to Varian’s laziness, and it being a weekend. He waited for Alec to come out of the shower when the door was knocked. The startled male tensed, then went over to it. He opened a door, and there were the flowers from the day before with new note. Varian took only the note inside and put it in his shoe box as Alec left the shower.

Varian had to pretend like everything was fine when it wasn’t to avoid any questioning from Alec. It was weird to see Alec care so much about this. It was weird because he didn’t seem much like a caring person, though not entirely heartless. Varian ran a hand through his hair, then heard the door to the bathroom creak open.

Alec walked out in his work uniform as he glanced at the frightened male standing near the door.

“Oh, Varian, I didn’t know you were up,” he started, noticing Varian’s behavior was off, “Are you alright?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah, just gotta get clean,” he laughed nervously as he went into the bathroom before Alec could say anything else. He locked the door and sighed as he slowly slumped down onto the floor. He took a few deep breaths before getting up and turning the water on. He slowly started to take off his clothes, and as he did so, he looked at the mirror. He noticed all of the imperfections of his face. He watched as the mirror fogged up again and went into the shower. He washed himself and quickly got out after he was done. He dried himself and lazily put his clothes on then left the bathroom. He saw Alec staring at the flowers that somehow got into their apartment.

“Varian,” he said with a disappointed sigh.

“Y-yes?” Varian asked as he slowly moved closer, his hair dripping a little bit.

“Why was this outside, huh?”

“I...I threw it away. I swear.” There was a pause, then Alec went to leave for work, leaving Varian alone. He waited a bit before taking the flowers out of the vase and put them in the kitchen sink. He then went to put the vase back into the dumpster, making sure it was smashed and shattered. He started to walk back when he heard something. He checked, but when he saw nothing, he went back into the apartment. It was time to read the second letter.

Varian shook a little as the letter was in his hand. He forced himself to start reading it.

Dear little forget-me-not,

I guess you don’t want the flowers? I thought you’d like them. They are just as delicate as you. Oh well, I’ll just send more little gifts. For now, I want you to keep the flowers. Keep it just for me. And don’t think twice about it. If I find them in the dumpster again, I’ll have to give them to you in person. Now, how does that sound?

Love,

Evan

Varian breathed out slowly. He made the right choice by keeping the flowers. He knew Evan well enough to know what he wanted, and what he wanted was to remind Varian of every little thing he ever experienced in that crusty household. Varian was quick to get the flowers from the sink. He didn’t exactly have a vase, but he did have a cup. He filled it with water, feeling a certain sting of fear he hadn’t felt in the longest time. He fidgeted with his hands as he went to grab his wallet. He wanted to get a proper vase so it wouldn’t look so sad.

As Varian began his journey to the store, he called his brother, David. When David never picked up the phone, Varian began to panic a little. What if something had happened to him? What if he was the first victim of Evan? His mind was speeding with all the possible outcomes as to why his older brother didn’t call him. He also tried to think of reasonable things, such as work or maybe he was just shopping, but something didn’t sit well with him. He just tried to play it off once he got to the floral shop.

Varian walked to the vases, looking at them when he heard a low chuckle. He turned around, seeing it was just an old man with a name tag. He read it, and then with a smile, he greeted him.

“Good morning, Greg,” his voice was slightly shaky as he held his own hand behind his back. The other simply nodded.

“I suppose it is a good morning, huh?” He looked around the store, then back at Varian. “What’re you here for?”

“Oh, I just needed a vase,” the younger male turned back to the vases and glanced at them all.

“Oh, well, may I recommend one, sir?”

“Yes please,” Varian muttered under his breath. The older man went to grab a vase, and the moment it was spotted by the other, he tensed.

“How ‘bout this one? It’s a favorite. A guy was just in here to get this one,” Greg spoke as he gave the vase to Varian, who didn’t want it.

“Uh, I...I don’t really..um...thank you for the offer, but I can’t.” He handed it back, and Greg shrugged putting it back. They both searched for the perfect vase, and once they did, Varian paid and left the store.

He went to call his brother again, but he didn’t pick up. David moved a lot, which meant Varian didn’t know where he was. Things were so much easier when they were together, but they weren’t anymore. It’s just Varian now, and that meant he had a lot of things going on.

The male went to call his therapist, and the moment she picked up, he started to ball. Emotions flooded out as he told her what happened with the flowers, and how unsafe he felt. Jessica wanted him to come down to her office, but he had to put the flowers in the vas. They settled on a time, and once they did, Varian rushed back to the apartment.

He saw everything was still there, letting him take a small deep breath as he then went to put the flowers in the vase. He stared at the roses, then traveled his eyes down to the actual Forget-Me-Nots. Roses were always a favourite, and the Forget-Me-Nots were a clear sign of his motives, though Varian began to let his mind wonder.

What if Evan didn’t want to hurt him? What if prison had actually changed him, and he just wanted to be nice to Varian? Then his mind changed to much darker thoughts. What if it’s all just a joke? What if it’s not Evan, but instead someone else?

Varian shook out his thoughts, no longer wanting to be in them as he had already thought too deeply. He rubbed his thumb against his palm to calm himself down, which actually somewhat worked. He glanced at the time, taking a moment to read it before scurrying off to Jessica’s office. He played some happy music to help him, but he barely even listened to it. He didn’t want to listen to it. He wanted to think of why he was being targeted, and why it just had to be him. He already went through enough, or did he? Varian wasn’t abused as much as David, or the others. He was treated much better, which gave him a sense of guilt. He parked in the parking lot and pondered. What if he didn’t need therapy after all? What if he didn’t need it as much as someone else, and he’s just taking time out of Jessica’s day that could be spent on someone else?

Varian’s breathing picked up as thoughts seemed to darken more than he had ever thought before. What of he just took someone else’s emergency appointment, and that they needed it more? He dug his thumb nail into his palm the more he thought as a way to get out of said thoughts. He didn’t want to be trapped in his mind, but yet, here he was. He was stuck, and he didn’t know how long he was going to be. He then put his arms around his stomach, holding on as he felt a huge hole was there. He put his head on the wheel as he tried to focus on breathing, though, every time he did, his thoughts went back to why did he need to breath in the first place. He started to cry more as he shook. He heard someone calling him, and once he saw it was David, he wiped his tears and picked up the phone.

“Hey, sorry I missed your call,” his brother began, “I was out with some friends. What did you call me for?”

“Uh,” his voice was still wavy as he tried to make it seem like he hadn’t just had a panic attack, “I was just checking on you.”

“Oh, well, I’m fine. I heard that he got out though, is that true?”

“Uh, yeah, that’s why um...I wanted to check in...with you,” Varian stuttered out as he tried to calm himself down.

“Okay. Well, I’m perfectly fine. As for you, you should see what’s her name. You sound awful,” David spoke plainly, barely an ounce of worry in his voice.

“I...I will. Talk later?”

“I have plans, but I’ll see what I can do. Bye,” and just like that, Varian was alone with his thoughts again. The only difference being that he had the strength to get out of the car and into the small office.

As he sat in the waiting room, Varian’s leg moved and the male felt sweat dripping. He was still fidgeting, but he tried to hold it in. When he heard his name being called, he stood up and went with Jessica back to her office.

“How’re you feeling today?”

“On edge. He could be anywhere. What if he followed me?”

“Calm down,” she started as she then put a hand on his shoulder and sat down with him, “breathe with me, okay?” Jessica began to breathe deeply and slowly, and Varian tried his best to breathe with her. When he was breathing fine by himself, she went to go put on some calming music. “Close your eyes and imagine your on a beach with the waves crashing down, and the breeze hitting your face.”

Varian did as he was told, slowly falling into a deep trance-like state. His mind was becoming clearer, though it was still clouded with his anxious thoughts. Time seemed to slow down, however, the next time his eyes were open, Jessica was telling him the session was over. He rose a brow, but left the office and went back to the apartment. He was trying to think back to the therapy appointment, and when he did, he realized he wanted to use that in his morning routine before he had work. He wanted to put his mind at ease just like in that moment.

In the apartment he found Alec furiously cleaning the counter. Varian was a little fearful, and checked to make sure the flowers were there. They were. He let out a relieved breath, then focused his attention on his seemingly angry roommate.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Alec spat out, putting a dish down and went to clean another one. Feeling obligated, Varian went to put the freshly cleaned dish away. The two continued to clean the dishes until they were done. Alec then looked at Varian.

“A shoebox, huh?” Varian felt himself freeze, his face going red and suddenly the thoughts flew around in his head like a bunch of birds leaving a tree all at once. He couldn’t speak, so instead he looked away in shame. Alec didn’t say another word as he grabbed his coat and left. Varian went to his room, laying in bed and feeling the need to cry. However, good or not, there were no tears that left his tired eyes.

He was just left there, feeling horrible. He could feel himself tense with anger towards himself, but he just stayed there. He didn’t move a muscle. He couldn’t move a muscle. All he could do was think, and thinking trapped him from reality.